Today.

by Lori Dwyer on January 14, 2011 · 116 comments

It is 10:09pm on the night I buried my husband.

Funerals are so fucking ugly. This one was as ‘nice’ as a funeral can be, but funerals are atill ugly things, tight and hot and they take your breath away.

I remember attending a funeral, with Tony, for a friends son, when our own child was only a few months old. Weeping, my breasts overflowing with milk, weeping too, wanting to be back at my baby’s side.

Then, I had my husband by my side.

And I couldn’t imagine this kind of pain.

It’s not a matter of I ‘can’ do it. People keep saying that, you’can’ do this. It’s not like I have a fucking choice. I know I can do this.

I am fucking already doing this. I’m in the middle of it right now.

I’m 29, and I buried my husband today.

What the fuck, God? What the fuck is this?

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{ 116 comments… read them below or add one }

Katii Lessick July 9, 2011 at 5:44 pm

This post, and the post before it, make perfect sense to me. When my mom died (I was 24) I had to plan her funeral (which was on my birthday). When people would say "I'm sorry" or "you'll be okay" or "it'll get better" I wanted to punch them in the face. Of course now I know they were saying the only things they could think of… but I get it.

Losing my mom sucked… but everyone realizes that eventually their parents will pass away. I didn't expect to lose her that soon, but still. I'm looking at my husband, and I can't imagine losing him. Our husbands are supposed to be around forever… or AT LEAST 80.

What I'm trying to say is I know 1/3 of what you felt…. and you said it best. "What the fuck"

I think you are superhuman for writing about your pain. I think you are amazing for breathing. I know you have to but that doesn't make it any less amazing. ♥ Email me if you ever want to vent, cry, yell, or just type FUCK over and over.

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Jen January 17, 2011 at 12:11 am

Thought of you so often on this day and everyday. It is fucked and it is not fair and God..you have really dropped the ball on this one! xoxoxo

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Autumn Surprise January 16, 2011 at 3:48 pm

I am really so sorry for all of this. You're right… it isn't supposed to go down like this. And even those that have travelled this road before you are at a loss for words. One day at a time… Sending lots of love and strength to you.

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Anonymous January 16, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Your right, this is all pretty damn Fucked Up. Shouldnt have happened. Is there a god after all? After this week I'm thinking No Fucking way.

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learncreatedo January 16, 2011 at 3:34 pm

thinking of you every day Lori. {{{hugs}}}

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Anonymous January 16, 2011 at 2:16 pm

My mum buried my dad when she was not yet 28.

And yet I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling right now.

I am very sorry for your loss.

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MaidInAustralia January 16, 2011 at 1:38 pm

One day at a time honey. You're doing it, you're getting through xo

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Julia January 16, 2011 at 10:53 am

I am new to your blog – sent over from BabyMac. How could I read what's happened and not send you a comment of support? I haven't lost my husband but I know grief. I remember that each morning I'd wake up and for a few seconds life was normal. By the time my feet hit the carpet to get up, that sinking, heavy, stomach turning sadness would hit and I'd remember that I'd lost him and all was not okay in my world. I'm sure this is your life every day right now. I send you my love and prayers at this time. x

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Michelle Twin Mum January 16, 2011 at 10:27 am

((((((Lori)))))) Nothing I can say helps, I know that but I care and am praying for you and it is awfully unfair.

Mich xx

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x0xJ January 16, 2011 at 9:32 am

*hugs* *hugs* *hugs*
I heard your speech on Friday was really moving.
What i wouldn't giveto take your pain away right now and give you your man back.

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Pam January 16, 2011 at 9:14 am

I am so sorry Lori.

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Karen January 16, 2011 at 7:53 am

The other day, for some reason, actually, probably cuz you've been in my thoughts and subconscious so much this week, I thought how I would feel if my Dear Husband died before me. I decided one of my reactions would be, like you, anger at God. And I'm 58 and have loved him for 40 years. I'm also a lifelong Christian. I say I believe in Him. I believe, too, that He is big enough to take my anger and loving enough to still comfort me in spite of it. Praying He sends someone-maybe me!-to listen to and empathize with your anger. And in doing so, remind you by actions, that He loves you and your children and is still willing and able to comfort you all. *hugs*

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Barbara January 16, 2011 at 7:53 am

(((((hugs))))) and (((((anything else that I can give you virtually that would help)))))

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Allison January 16, 2011 at 6:16 am

I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your children.

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Kate Takes 5 January 16, 2011 at 5:49 am

Comments seem so inadequate. Just know there are hundreds of people around the world thinking of you and sending you love. x

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OHN January 16, 2011 at 5:10 am

My friend Eden told me of your horrible loss. I just wanted you to know that even way over here in the US, you are in peoples thoughts and prayers.

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Kimberly January 16, 2011 at 3:11 am

None of what you are going through is fair.
Warm warm hugs my friend.

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Anonymous January 16, 2011 at 2:10 am

Ahh baby girl. ….'What the fuck is this?..' barely even begins to describe the pain, the emptiness, the heart ache & the anquish you are feeling…. It IS fucked up, it IS TOTALLY unfair… FEEL the anger, FEEL the pain, feel your loss. scream when you need to scream!
You know you have no other choice but to survive, BUT, FUCK IT! You are totally entitled to feel ripped off & totally pissed off by what has happened!!
Feel all of it, don't deny your pain. Let it consume you. Grieve. Cry. Scream.
…Then, when you can't possibly scream anymore,stop.
Take a VERY deep breath, in & then,breathe out… Slowly, let it all go…..
Though right now it seem so totally impossible & so very far away (..Possibly in some other life time!!!)
…You will be free. You will smile again. You will be happy. You will never forget.
One day, the world will, once again, be a very good place to be….
Love, Inga.xxx

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Louisa January 16, 2011 at 1:54 am

I was so unbelievably sorry to hear your news today – you and your family are in my thoughts and I wish you the peace, love, strength, time and support to help you heal. xxx

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Tracy January 15, 2011 at 11:18 pm

I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts xo

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Maxabella January 15, 2011 at 10:03 pm

There is nothing to say, Lori. Words are no comfort. No joy. Time is all that can heal right now. x

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JallieDaddy January 15, 2011 at 9:20 pm

It's totally fucked up. I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling

I wish there was more I could do

I can only add what's helped me on times if loss:

1) Things don't happen by design or for a reason: they just happen. When I stopped trying to figure out reasons or some grand scheme behind bad things happening I was able to fond them less difficult. Might be just a personal thing.

2) cliched but true: time heals. You don't want to hear it now but it's true. It may be a lot of time, & he'll always be with you, but you will gradually heal.

Love & peace to you x

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toushka January 15, 2011 at 8:52 pm

yeah fuck that. I'm so angry for you Lori.
((Big Hugs))

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Sharnanigans January 15, 2011 at 8:37 pm

xx

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Andrea January 15, 2011 at 7:22 pm

Lori, I've never posted on your blog before but have lurked a few times via Diminishing Lucy. You sound like an amazing woman and am glad you have kept up your writing during this most shitty of times – your rawness is as captivating as your humour! You will get through this and I send much love to youand your family.

Andrea

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Trish@Show and Tell January 15, 2011 at 6:22 pm

Lori

Words are not enough to cover the magnitude of a loss like yours. I do not know you, yet your pain resonates deep in every fibre of my being. I am at a loss for words to say anything that would be of any real comfort to you right now. Just know that you are surrounded by a world of people thinking of you and sending you love.

We will not leave your side in the months ahead. Keep posting….and we will be here.

x0x0x0x

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Kathy January 15, 2011 at 5:39 pm

Lori, you have people all over the world walking with you right now. I'm in So. California – found your blog through Moments of Whimsy. I lost my 18 year old son 2 years ago unexpectedly and know the shock and disbelief you are feeling right now. Hope you feel all the love coming to you from all over the world. Don't try to make sense of anything, just walk, just like you are doing. One foot in front of the other. Sending warm hugs from CA. xoxo

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Lisa January 15, 2011 at 4:18 pm

Lori, I have been thinking of you and your family all week xxx

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Ms Styling You January 15, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Life sucks very, very hard. And my heart goes out to you that you are on the receiving end. It's simply not fair. Sending you love xxx

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KJ January 15, 2011 at 3:38 pm

I wish I had the words to soothe your pain. I don't. Hugs. x

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Karen Whittal January 15, 2011 at 2:53 pm

I am so sorry for you loss, no one promised that life would be fair, what God did promise he would not put anything in our paths, that he did not give us the strength to get through, and that we could be sure, he would be with us every step of the way, this is not God's doing he is a God of love, this is life happening. You are in my prayers, and I can tell you are surrounded by people who love you, this is the comfort that God promises.

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Tara January 15, 2011 at 2:00 pm

Oh my God, I am so sorry. I wish you all the strength in the world.

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Anonymous January 15, 2011 at 1:13 pm

I wish I could take all your pain away.

CheezelMonster from BB

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DaniV January 15, 2011 at 12:43 pm

It fucking sucks that you have to 'do' this. It's wrong and it's not fair. Hugs.

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Voluptacon January 15, 2011 at 10:36 pm

Fuck xoxo

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Emily Turkalj January 15, 2011 at 11:30 am

You are in our thoughts Lori.

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Hear Mum Roar January 15, 2011 at 11:10 am

((HUG)) again, and always:) You're right, it doesn't make sense at all.

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Aussiemumbecc January 15, 2011 at 10:35 am

oh hun..dont know what to say except to let you know we are here, listening. xx

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Stella January 15, 2011 at 10:25 am

Dear Lori
I'm on the other side of the world and just about to go to bed, but before I do, I just want to send you so much love and kind caring thoughts. It's little enough, I know, but I have no words to ease your pain, only love
God bless

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Cate January 15, 2011 at 9:51 am

I don't know what to say, other than it stinks, and you are loved.

xxx

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Taryn January 15, 2011 at 9:48 am

Yep seriously fucked is right on the money. Life can be cruel, this is one of those moments. Thought lots of you today and how cruel this all is. Remember you have your beautiful babies and they have you. Xxxxxxxxxxx

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Melissa January 15, 2011 at 9:39 am

My entire day was spent thinking of you. I can't imagine the feeling of burying the love of my life.

I don't know what to say, Lori. There are no words that will even start to make you feel better. There is no 'better' yet.

My love to you.

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Caitlyn Nicholas January 15, 2011 at 9:26 am

Just hugs.

Cait

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Miscellaneous-Mum January 15, 2011 at 8:51 am

I was thinking of you all yesterday. xxx Take care of you, speak your words xx

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Clarinda January 15, 2011 at 8:34 am

Just because you can do it doesn't mean it's easy.

Go gently my friend xxxx

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Donna January 15, 2011 at 7:34 am

You are right, there is nothing else to say but it is fucked. Royally fucked. This community who loves you will carry you and let you cry, vent, scream, curse – whatever you need – and will never stop hoping we can somehow make it a little easier for you x

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Being Me January 15, 2011 at 7:24 am

Incomprehensible grief, unanswerable questions of "What now?" There's no avoiding going through it, it's happened and the shock wave will continue to hit because of it, but how I WISH with everything in me that I could do these hardest first weeks for you, take it all off you and give it back when it's not such a crushing, debilitatingly painful process.

It's. Just. Fucked. That this has happened to you.

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Amy xxoo January 15, 2011 at 7:22 am

As others have said – there are no words for the kind of comforting you need. However, i'm leaving a comment so that you know you can add my name to the list of others that you can turn when you dont need words, but ears to listen and shoulders to cry on…

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Teacher Mommy January 15, 2011 at 7:04 am

I have no idea. No reasons and no words.

Tears for you.

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thepixiechick January 15, 2011 at 7:04 am

This is some seriously fucked up shit.
Keep writing it down, if you can.
love xoxoxoxo

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Caz (The Truth About Mummy) January 15, 2011 at 7:02 am

I think I speak for everyone when I say we're all here for you. It's not really much incomparision to what you've lost – but it's real and many many people are thinking, praying and caring for you and your beautiful little ones (((hugs))).

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Kristy January 15, 2011 at 6:56 am

It is almost infuriating the way life goes on around you no matter what. Sometimes you want to shout, Wait a second! Hold on here! I'm not ready to go on yet. But you have to. Put one foot in front of the other. Sometimes kicking and screaming the whole way, but eventually, you get somewhere.

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WendyCarole January 15, 2011 at 6:54 am

Sending hugs

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kateab January 15, 2011 at 6:32 am

I am sorry you are having to go through this. I won't give you platitudes but I know what you are feeling is entirely normal. Grief is not one emotion but a series of them. xx

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Grace January 15, 2011 at 6:00 am

Lori, I had only just recently joined AMB when I had heard of your terrible news. You asked for some love, so here it is.

Thinking of you and praying for you…

xoxoxo

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Heres a gem January 15, 2011 at 4:27 am

You're right, you can do this… you ARE doing this. One step at a time. This was a huge step. You won't have to take that step again, it's on to the next one.

And you're right – this is fucked. There's no justification for this. It's fucked. Plain and simple. One of these days, one of your steps will land on something that's not fucked and that will be a good thing. One thing is for certain – everything always changes.

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Karen January 15, 2011 at 3:43 am

Anger, good, let it out! I'd be angry as hell too. I'd want someone to take care of me and let me sleep and sleep to escape reality, tending to my lil ones….I'd probably end up suicidal. You seem to be one helluva spunky woman and all my best thoughts and love are with you. xx

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In Real Life January 15, 2011 at 3:35 am

*HUGS*

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Lavender Hearts January 15, 2011 at 3:06 am

Sending you as much love as a stranger from the other side of the globe can. x

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Colleen January 15, 2011 at 2:55 am

I am so truly sorry. My heart just breaks for you. :(

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Wanderlust January 15, 2011 at 2:46 am

Lori, people say to me every day "you're so strong, you're coping so well," because I get out of bed and get my kids to school and go to work and file another police report. And I think really? REALLY? What's my fucking alternative?

There is no alternative. This is life and I'm so, so sorry this is your life. All I can say is that what makes it bearable is the love we have around us. You are loved by so many. I am here for you. Soon I will be there for you. Together we will walk down these paths we never dreamed we'd be walking.

Sometimes life sucks hard. But there is always love and friendship, and there is always hope. xo

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mummabear1970 January 15, 2011 at 2:40 am

Lori, I also thought of you today, as I have the past few days. And wondered why the hell something so painful had to happen to you and your family. My life continues on whilst yours has been turned upside down. No, it's not fair. Not one bit. I just wanted you to know that I am one of the many who are thinking of you and sending you strength to help you get through each day. xx

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Jean January 15, 2011 at 1:35 am

All my love to you. XXX

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Michele January 15, 2011 at 1:09 am

prayers and hugs

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Erica January 15, 2011 at 1:07 am

Im so very sorry for your loss….i cant say anything to make you feel better but my thoughts and prayers are with you. My friend was 24 (3 yrs ago) and lost her husband in a car crash right after they had a fight ….she had 3 kids 6, 4 and 1 and she was utterly devastated…..i couldnt make her feel better ….no one could …..however i can assure you that every day is a new day….some will be good and some will be bad but you just keep going…somehow god pushes you through it. Vent and curse and do whatever to let it out hun! It's very fucked up what you are going through !

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Megs January 15, 2011 at 12:58 am

Nothing to say, can't imagine the pain. So fucked up….x

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A Country Wife January 15, 2011 at 12:50 am

Thinking of you Lori xx

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Claire January 15, 2011 at 12:34 am

I'm lost for words. I'm sending love and prayers.

Cxx

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Naturly January 15, 2011 at 12:26 am

That sucks… That really, really sucks..

words fail..

Take care.

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Abby January 15, 2011 at 12:04 am

That's right Lori, you don't have a choice.. You will do it, because that is the only option for you and your kids.. Grief sux.. I'm sorry this happened to you. I am sending so much love and strength your way honey..

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Leesa January 14, 2011 at 11:50 pm

Thinking of you xxx

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Lucy January 14, 2011 at 11:34 pm

My brother once asked me, "Will you be able to cope? How will you cope?" To which I replied "Of course I'll cope. I have no fucking choice but to cope."

Doesn't make it any easier though.

xxx

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River January 14, 2011 at 11:27 pm

I thought about you so much today as I went about my routine.
Another friend of mine was also buried today after a 3 year battle with cancer. She also leaves behind 2 children.
Death is unfair when it comes to those so young.

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MultipleMum January 14, 2011 at 11:24 pm

Lori, it is completely surreal to us that this is happening to you so I can only imagine how it feels from your angle. I hope that you weather the storms and find it in yourself to laugh and smile and enjoy life again without your Tony in it :(

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Fiona January 14, 2011 at 11:20 pm

Do it. you don't have to. It is a choice, and one you will make for yourself and your children.

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Karla January 14, 2011 at 11:19 pm

(((hugs)))

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Sunshineshelle January 14, 2011 at 11:17 pm

So sorry, he made you happy, he was a great father… I don't know what happened… I am selfish and wish I didn't read your blog, because I prayed, and your soulmate still died… I want to say something else, I remember when I was young at school & my dad died, my mother had 5 children and said she didn't want to live anymore, that she couldn't get out of bed… but she kept getting up, she found the strength, kept making our breakfast, she kept a roof over our heads god knows how… but she functioned for us and I believe for my dad in her grief.
Lori, this is heartbreaking, but I know your wonderful Tony knows he has left his children in the best care and he will live on through them and the stories you tell & be there when the laughter returns (it will) and in the future his grandchildren will delight in the recollections of the grandad they didn't meet but survives through the people who pass on stories and memories of a life well lived & a person well loved.
I am so sorry, I wish you strength, a day at a time.
Take care x

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MomAgain@40 January 14, 2011 at 11:11 pm

*wordless* LOVE to you!

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ClaireyH January 14, 2011 at 11:07 pm

You are so right, course you can do it, does not mean you wanted to be tested to see if you could. This is totally crap for you and I feel words are so useless simply because you have to do this no matter what. You have to find a way to crawl through the horrible grief and loss anyway you can.

I just hope that you never ever feel that you are all alone in having to cope, there is a community here to help you through.

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Katie January 14, 2011 at 10:45 pm

Lori, I can't even imagine the pain you're feeling and I wish I had some way to lessen it for you. The only thing I can do is tell you that we are here. We will be strong when you can't. And we will be here every step of the way.
Xx

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Johanna January 14, 2011 at 10:42 pm

We all feel your pain, wish we could take it for you, and make it all go away. Hugs, and yes it is truly FUCKED!!!!

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Kristina Hughes January 14, 2011 at 10:41 pm

So sad for you, Lori. You're right, of course – you are doing it but it's a matter of letting it be done to you. There's a cycle of grief and a lot of emotions to deal with. Just try to keep eating, sleeping and riding it out. It will get better. Thinking of you. xx

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Lisa Walton January 14, 2011 at 10:41 pm

Sending love and strength….

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Fiona at Inner Pickle January 14, 2011 at 10:39 pm

I can't imagine. Sending love, Lori.

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Brenda January 14, 2011 at 10:39 pm

I have no words. Just know that we are here for you. We're here. Just here.xxxxxx

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Sunshineshelle January 14, 2011 at 10:38 pm

: (

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Farmers Wifey January 14, 2011 at 10:37 pm

It is.simply.not.fair.xxxxxxx

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Anonymous January 14, 2011 at 10:31 pm

Big Hugs to you Lori! I was 28 when I attended my husbands funeral, turned 29 the day after! Great birthday present!

Tomorrow is another day, where you will wake up and for a split second think "shit I had the worst nightmare last night", then realise it wasn't a nightmare, it's real.

Hugs to you and to your children on this really really hard road you are travelling down. xx

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Tenille @ Help!Mum January 14, 2011 at 10:30 pm

It's fucked up.

We buried my brother-in-law just before christmas. I had no words for the pain that I saw his wife struggle with. Or the pain that I saw my husband try to ignore.

I have no words for you that will help. Other than it's fucked up.

You're still in my thoughts xox

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Kim at allconsuming January 14, 2011 at 10:29 pm

This is about as shitty, as unfair, as brutal and as ugly as it gets.

I'd cyber hug you but those things give me the absolute shits.

Of course you can do this, as if you have any choice in the matter. Know that there will be days almost normal and days when even opening your eyesis too hard. You will laugh and smile, you will cry and howl. You may be so fucking angry you can't breath. But you will do it.

And we will be there. Beside you. Every step of the way.

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Mummy McTavish January 14, 2011 at 10:29 pm

There are no words, but I give you these…
Love.
Hugs.
Tears.

Praying for you and your kids tonight.

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Blocks and Knocks January 14, 2011 at 10:28 pm

Very unfair and just plain shitty. Big hugz to you and your family xx

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Danielle January 14, 2011 at 10:27 pm

((HUGS)) babe xxxxxxxxx no words

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Thea January 14, 2011 at 10:25 pm

Lori!Love!Hugs!!

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Naomi @ Under the Yardarm January 14, 2011 at 10:23 pm

I have no words.

Nothing I say can change a single thing.

I can send you love. So that's what I'll do.

xox

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Melissa *Suger Coat It* January 14, 2011 at 10:23 pm

Love to you all.
xoxox

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Becky January 14, 2011 at 10:23 pm

xoxo – that is all. There are no words. xoxo

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Curvaceous Queen January 14, 2011 at 10:22 pm

I wish I could magically right the wrongs and make it all better. All I have to offer is (((hugs)))

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Mama Mogantosh January 14, 2011 at 10:21 pm

All love and my most healing wishes to you today Lori. Burying your husband – nightmare almost beyond imagining. One foot in front of the other. Hope you can get some sleep. x

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Veronica January 14, 2011 at 10:20 pm

What the fuck is about right. This is shit, that's the only thing for it.

(((hugs)))

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deardarl January 14, 2011 at 10:19 pm

Hugs.
There is no choice in this. It is what it is and you and I (and our collective children) just get to live it every day.

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Stylish Mummy January 14, 2011 at 10:19 pm

Oh hun… I seriously dont know what to say, It is just so unfair :( huge hugs xx

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Caroline B January 15, 2011 at 9:18 am

No words just lots of love & hugs
Our thoughts are with you & your family

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MadCow January 14, 2011 at 10:17 pm

I have no words.

I love you. You're absolutely right.

xox

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MotorbikesLady January 14, 2011 at 10:15 pm

When your greiving like this words may not help but hopfully these will

(((( Hugs )))) XXXX Kisses XXXX

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life and the little things… January 15, 2011 at 6:11 am

*HUGS*

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Madmother January 15, 2011 at 5:03 am

No words. Just here. xx

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Good Golly Miss Holly! January 15, 2011 at 3:08 am

I have no wise words for you. This is fucked. A tragedy that no one should have to endure. Love to you and the babes, Lori – It's all I can offer you x0

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Mrs Woog January 15, 2011 at 1:44 am

What the Fuck God. What the fuck is this. Ditto.
Nothing else from me but love xo.

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Denyse Whelan January 15, 2011 at 12:28 am

None of us, unless we have suffered the unimaginable loss you have, can EVER tell you what to do, think, say …
But we CAN read, hug, listen, cry, cook, share, swear, and ANYTHING which can help in anyway to enable you,
Lori, to love and care for yourself & two wonderful babies you made with Tony.

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Tat January 14, 2011 at 11:42 pm

Hugs xxx

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Mumstrosity January 14, 2011 at 11:05 pm

{{Much Love}}xo

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Toni January 14, 2011 at 10:48 pm

A lot of people think the funeral is the worst bit. It's not. The worst bit is trying to live the rest of your life without someone who should be with you.
You're going to have some very dark days ahead. And we're all here, listening when you need us.

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MrsB January 14, 2011 at 10:38 pm

Lori, I have always thought it odd to say to someone 'you can do this', because it's not like you have a choice. I mean, who would CHOOSE this pain and heartache?

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Mummahh January 14, 2011 at 10:22 pm

Very unfair Hun ..sending strength xxx

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Susan @ Reading Upside Down January 14, 2011 at 10:20 pm

There are no words. I wish there was something I could say that would help this to make sense, but I know there isn't.

I am so terribly sorry for your loss and your heartbreak.

(((HUGS)))

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