My own comes, and goes. Another day, following its usual beat. I am thirty one years old, suddenly, quietly, with little fanfare or celebration.
That’s OK. I like it that way. Birthdays scare me. There’s little I can do about anyone else’s birthday– and so help me, the last thing I will do is allow my own fear to mess with and make light of the normal childhood my children deserve– but I can spend my own birthday, sadly if I wish.
And I do. I retreat, seek comfort and solace in myself and my TinyTrainHouse and miss my husband with a fierceness I did not know was possible. We have takeaway for dinner and blow out candles on a supermarket mud cake and I smile. My mum takes photos on her phone and I almost can’t stand it, I almost tell her to stop, because it just aches far too much- it feels like a dangerous copy, a silly naive thing to do. It feels as though those photos will come out just as blurred and desperate and resentful as the ones I took on Tony’s birthday were, the ones I took just before the After- the last photos anyone took of him.
I will never be OK with birthdays again. I do will do them, not only for my own sake but for that of my children. We will have cake and we will sing and blow out candles; but its far more for them than it is for me.
It’s not birthdays, of course.
It’s the day after birthdays that I’m afraid of.
In honour of me now being classified as ‘early thirties’ instead of just ‘thirty’, have this photo, taken at the #PBEvent recently.
It kind of just sums up the last year or so, yes…? I think so. And I love it.
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
Love the photo, Lori!! Happy Day and many more happy days with your gorgeous kidlets. ((XX))
That is the BEST photo of you. I just love it and it just reeks of your personality.
Birthdays are just awkward end of story. Much less in your case.
Hey Lori,
I get the not being a fan of birthdays, personally, mine is just another day of the year for me, one that reminds me of some unhappiness of long long ago. Good for you for still taking the time to mark them though.
Love and hugs,
Trisha
May you and your beautiful babies make lovely memories on your special day.
Much love to you amazing lady.xx
I just had my 32nd birthday. I was holding back tears all day. Deleted my facebook and meetup accounts because it all just felt so fake and with each new happy birthday post I just felt worse because they don't even fucking know me. My work put up a big huge awful fucking sign announcing that it was my birthday which I turned around. Cried all the way home, couldn't stop it. Went straight to bed. I couldn't handle any kindness towards me. But my son's birthday I made sure was a happy great day. I hope he can stay somewhat sheltered and have a happy life.
Happy birthday Lori. Be kind to yourself. Lots of love from me.
First – Happy Birthday, love the photo.
Second – I had never thought of birthdays like that, and its confronting to me. As someone in cancer remission, birthdays remind me that I am alive and that I am getting older – I had never thought that others would be unhappy with their own or others birthday. Thank you for a different perspective.
Happy birthday Lori. That is a most excellent photo.
Even though you don't like them, I hope there was some sort of happy in there. Love to you brave girl xxxxxx