I recorded this last night, mid anxiety attack,in a friend’s bathroom in the ‘burbs. Why? I’m not quite sure.I guess it’s just more of this ‘telling the truth’ crap I rave on about.
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{ 67 comments… read them below or add one }
"When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth"
Lori this song is one of my favourites and every time i read your blog it plays in my head. i wish to god /i ould fix you and take away your pain. xx
You.are.amazing. To share your self – your actual self, not just your words – when you are in such a vulnerable place just floors me. You are in hell, yes indeed. But I think that because you are willing to share this hell, you will make it out much quicker than others would. Keep doing what you're doing Lori. There is a whole world of support for you here. xxx
There isn't anything I can say – but know that I'm trying
((HUGS)) I just want to squeeze you… I have been there and those have been words out of my mouth "I don't want to die, I just want to sleep (until it gets easier, better, less painful)" It's a horrible place to be and I wish I could take you away from it xox
Moodi Mumma
I haven't lived your life or loss, but I have said exactly what you have said (mostly word for word) in those lonely hours where I feel despair. I don't feel that anyone I know realises the pain I go through every single day and night, just to be here. But I will be here and stay here, because I have my kids, and without me, they have no chance.
But I do understand what it's like to feel completely hopeless and helpless and to wonder how the fuck this has happened to you.
I can't do anything to help you but to say to hang in there. xo
Oh Lori <3 xxxx Big squishy hugs to you . I was crying watching that just now you stay strong like you are and the day will come where you will say my gosh i made it to see the sighn of hope it is there 🙂 xxxxxxxxxx
My husband has come close to dying 5 times ,the last time was just last month in hospital the did cpr on him as they were doing it i said (must call lori for some help
I am in a class right now that is all about spiritual awakening. (Gosh, I hope that doesn't scare you to ignore this post!) Anyway, we sometimes get homework to read things and write our responses to them.
The latest homework was an article by a woman named Miriam Greenspan. She, in basic, talks about all emotions having value – even the dark, "bad" ones and when we embrace them and allow ourselves to feel them, we move through and become more than we were. Even if they are heartwretchingly hard.
She has a book called "Healing through the Dark Emotions: the Wisdom of Grief, Fear and Despair". Based on the article I read and the things she had to say in it, this might be a book worth looking into.
Sending you lots of love and light to make it through such a dark time in your life.
You were probably recording also to connect to something larger than yourself? So that you don't feel so alone? I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. I'm so sorry. Luv to you.
Oh Lori I too wish I could hug you.
That video could have been straight from my mouth 12 years ago. If not for my son I don't think I would have been able to keep going. The only thing that ever helped me at those moments was to bring my mind back to making it through hour by hour. To gain some satisfaction that I had made it another hour, then another.
You are so so early in this horrible grief journey and I hope you realise that and have people around you that understand that too. 6 months is no time at all though society seems to think it is.
I wish you peace and understanding as you continue on this grief rollercoaster.
xx
Oh Lori.
I would fix you. We would all fix you, if we could.
If it is any comfort at all, know that we are all here for you.
Oh dear Lori. Hang in there. As someone who's familiar with anxiety attacks, I know it's awful. Just hang in, do the best you can. You are amazing, even though this totally sucks.
Oh Lori, my heart breaks for you . . . this is not the life that wanted, that you deserve . . . it just makes sense that you would not want to keep living it.
You are loved, by so many and we are here to help in any way we can.
Jenn
Your pain is still so raw and fresh. I wish like everyone else there was something I could say or do. Thinking of you, and praying strength and peace over you.
Lori.. what everyone else says. I can't put it any better.
Hugs and Love.
Jo
Just sending you hugs and love Lori.
Lori, I don't know what to say so I'll just offer some *hugs*
Lori, you are an amazing person. You have a lot to give, and regularly do via your blog and no doubt as a mother. Being a mother is hard (I have 4 young kids)so being a grieving mother must take real courage and determination. Keep moving in baby steps hun – sending you strength for a new day Kiri
Hey each day must be incredibly difficult and a huge battle. It's hard for anyone to really understand the situation you are going through. But lots of people care – that much is true especially those gorgeous children of yours. They need their wonderful mum each day. One day at a time…
lori, please continue to reach out each and every time you feel like this. you need to….. for yourself.
xxx
Not much to say that hasn't already been said except this: you're still gorgeous even when you're crying.
Praying for you
This is so hard for me to watch. I feel really helpless. I wish I could do more. As someone else has mentioned, there is comfort in knowing you are sharing this though. We're all here for you! xx
*Love!*
Thanks for sharing!
I'm here, never far, I'm here.
As difficult and as heart-wrenching as this is to watch, i'd rather be watching this, than knowing you were bottling it all up inside. Somehow, i hope, it feels healthier, part of the journey, part of your recovery. I know it doesn't feel like it, but your honesty, your openness will get you throiugh.
xx
One way or another, you are never far from my thoughts, Lori.
Thoughts are just thoughts, I know. But maybe that's my point… x
One way or another, you are never far from my thoughts, Lori.
Thoughts are just thoughts, I know. But maybe that's my point… x
Dear Lori….hang in there….I wish I could help you in any way. Just know that we are here to listen en read you blog.
Love, Wendy
I don`t think there is anything I can say that hasn`t been said-I hope that it gets less painful for you and that the feeling of wanting to sleep forever lessens with time.
Big hugs
Love. Strength. xxxxx
Gorgeous, gorgeous Lori. Sending you the biggest hug ever – and some QLD warmth. YOU are incredible and your kids are so, so blessed to have you xx
Lori… I wish I could be as raw as you. We are in a completely different situation but also have been forced to live a life we didn't plan and would rather not be in. We go on because we have to, not because we are amazingly strong (although I believe you are incredibly so) We don't want to not be alive, we just don't want to be living this life.
I am not sure you know how many people are out here, not just reading your blog for something to do but because we feel like you are a part of our life. It's a bizarre concept but real never the less. I watched Insight last night, and hubby asked me why. I said "A friend is going to be on it and I want to watch" and then had a giggle to myself and thought "oh.. friend who doesn't even know me? Is that stalkerish?" Thankfully he didn't ask for further clarification because I don't think he would have understood.
Lori.. you are amazing. You are loved. You are doing the best anyone could ask for. I wish you didn't have to. I wish we could all just live the life we planned for ourselves: the life that it seemed was on track then derailed with no warning.
xx Kazz
I'm so sorry you have to go through this Lori.
Grief is so unpredictable, our emotions are so raw and volatile. It was like that for me for such a long time but three years on it is softer around the edges, more predictible. Take that to mean it will not be like this forever. You will always have pain, but it changes and you change.
The one thing I was told that I find pops into my head in hard times is "be kind to yourself". Give yourself a hug and remind yourself that considering what you have been through you are one strong amazing woman, even on your worst day. And its okay to hate him sometimes for what he did. I heard about someone who wanted to vent that anger once and they went to an op shop and bought a huge stack of old ceramic plates. And then smashed them to smithereens in the back yard. I wish I had done that.
I wish you peace and some long wonderful sleep. xx
I don't know what to say, but I hear you. I am still praying for you. I don't know how anyone could make anything good out of this horrible mess, but I believe that God can.
((Lori)) big hugs
Oh Lori, I feel so sad watching this. ((HUG))
You're doing well, it probably doesn't feel that way, but you're letting yourself feel it, and what else can you do? Just let the pain, the toxicity, all of it, spew out of you.
You express yourself so well, and in so many ways, and it's healthy. It's healthy that you're sad, the part that sucks is that it feels like shit.
How brave you are to keep waking up everyday to face this pain and feel it and let it out. That's really hard, but you're doing it. Keep reaching out, and keep talking.
You've had some rays of sunshine here and there, my biggest wish for you is that more comes your way soon.
love just love Lori xxxx
happiness is so hard to come by, even at the best of times and if moving back to where friends and family are would bring you just one tiny iota of happiness – do it.
~x~
I wish more people could see what they would leave behind if they took their own life.
You're doing an amazing thing Lori, not only healing yourself but making people more aware of the pain and heartache that comes along with suicide.
Big love to you, always x
The colder weather brings lower emotions sometimes, so totally get the 'can't wait for summer' comment.
Thoughts are always with you, hon.
xxx
My favorite line is 'get busy living or get busy dying' I hope you can get busy living soon. Big squishy hugs.
Oh, Lori
I don't know what to say, if there's anything I can say, but I'm sending you my love xx
This takes my breath away.
After watching Insight last night I cant stop thinking about the fact there isnt a good enough discussion in the community on suicide. THIS is what people NEED to see. Your blog is what they need to read. People can be spared this God awful pain that has been inflicted on you. And although I dont know you personally I think of you so often, wishing and hoping that somehow this will one day be less painful.
i read every day and think of you so often. you have touched more lives than you can ever know and you have done so much good. and i am so so so sorry for your loss lori. i dont know you in rl, but i so wish i could come help you in some way.
praying and wishing and hoping for you- nellie
I wish I knew the right thing to tell you, but I'm not sure it exists. Your honesty is inspiring. Thinking of you and sending hopes your way.
Kelly
Wishing we could be closer physically i, too, would hug you and hold you and let you weep until you were done.
across the Pacific,
equator and date line,
we are listening
Love and hugs to you
I just want to jump through this screen to you and hug you tightly. I know I cannot fix any of this, it just seems so wrong and so unfair.
Your words, I have thought them many many a time. You just want everything to stop. Not that awful numb feeling that you're able to hold, but more of a blankness. The world stops moving and gives you time to catch up.
I am here for you, in any way I can be. I know it is hard to reach out, but I feel helpless as to what I can do, and I mean it that if you ever need a break from the kids or someone to just sit with you, anything, I am more than happy to do what I can. Do not be afraid to ask. It may not help, but it may just lift a little of the load for you.
Lori,
I am here reading, holding your heart. I wish I could do more; what I do want you to know is that there is the possibility of joy in the wake of tragedy — there will be someday. I know it doesn't feel that way now — but I'll tell you what — I will believe it for you until you are in a place where the glimmer of it shows itself and I can give it back to you.
Love,
Pam
Lots of love and hugs, Lori. Lots of love and hugs.
Wow… You know, I'm glad you shared that. I'm also glad you had someone there with you while you were going through it. What a horrible, awful burden to have to bear… God, I just have no words. All I can do is give you this big, squishy virtual HUG and keep praying for you. You so did not deserve this.
Also, if you ever end up over here in Canada, please know you're always welcome at my place.
I just want to sit and hug you. Let me take some of your burdeon for a while. My heart still breaks so much for you. I wish there was more we could do to help you Lori. Sometimes prayers and thoughts and virtual hugs just don't seem enough……………..
I wish I could hug you, love.
I have followed your blog for awhile but I'm not really a commenter type…but after seeing this video, so raw with pain, I just want to hop on a plane and come the 18 hours to give you a big hug.
I'm sorry, the words are used so often and are so insufficient compared to the fact that my heart hurts for you although I don't know you.
I suppose all I can pray for for you is that tomorrow is a better day.
Been reading along.. and while you don't really know me I feel like I know you and that just brought me to tears.. I wish there was something.. ANYTHING… I could do that would ease your pain even for just one second … one moment.
I pray it gets better for you!
Words really fail me right now (and words never fail me!)…
I heard last week that my bro in law was found by the police in his home town trying to commit suicide after the break up of his family… Your blogs and your emotions seem somehow more real to me now… and closer to me now.. even though they've been real raw and I could feel your pain even before that.
You're an amazing woman Lori. Thank you for sharing your journey and I just hope and pray that your burden lightens! *hug*
Please keep talking Lori, because we are here to listen. We're with you Xx
I was so worried last night. "I don't want to die, I just wnat to sleep…until the pain stops". I don't know how many times I've said that.
It's good that you are vlogging raw. It's honest and it helps people understand. I'm glad you were with someone.
xxxx
Love you, Lori. I think of you every day and wonder how you're going. We're all here, ready to listen and give lots of virtual hugs xxx
I know you don't want to die, you just don't want to live this life you're living…it's not your choice, it's not YOUR life…it's a version of life that is not what you should be living, not what you had planned or what you imagined for yourself.
People say over time you will heal and things will get better…and while that's true, you'll still never be living the life you were mean to live with Tony by your side…and I'm sorry for that…guess I don't really know what else to say except we will always be here for you
Honey I was so worried about you last night. I am glad someone was there for you. Please reach out when you feel this way, we will do everything we can to be there for you. There will be times like this, when everything sucks beyond imagining… But please keep talking and we can do our best to get you through. Love to you always xoxox
thepixiechick
"I don't wanna die, but I ain't keen on livin' either" -Robbie Williams.
I used to sing that song all the time, like it was written just for me. Maybe it was written for you too.
Hugs..plenty from me.
Thanks sweetie for bravely showing the every feeling you have…just do what you keep on doing…YOU are loved by many, and your pain is felt too.
But none as much as you.
Much love and warm thoughts ..Denyse XXX
Lori,
I know that no words said by any of us, no matter how well-intended, will ease your pain. I understand that the only thing that would ever come close to making the void inside you fill, would be if it had all been a horribly mistake, and Tony showed up at your door, apologizing for all the pain and sadness.
But, I hope that you can take some comfort in knowing that from your little piece of paradise, allllll the way in OZ… you've reached around the world.
I'm in Texas and I think of you daily. You're in my nightly routine. While you've forced yourself out of bed to start my tomorrow, I am sitting down to start editing my book… but before I do, I think of you. I check your page, I send positive vibes your way… and hope, that somehow, even just a few get through.
My girlfriend calls you my other girlfriend, because I have to check on you and I tell her the next morning how you are.
If you EVER want to take a trip to the U.S. come on over, bring the kids, my girlfriend is a nanny, so we've got the kids handled! Or come alone and take a holiday. You've always got a place here.
P.S. We don't bite
Thanks for sharing, keep it comin'.
Love to you and yours.
Sandy
*hugs* *hugs* and more *hugs*
I hope you are feeling better today
xxx
Lori lori lori. Squeezing you
Oh Lori, my heart goes out to you. I just want to give you a huge hug right now. I hope your friend was there for you when you left the bathroom and that you stayed there until you began to feel better.
I know there is nothing that any of us can do except listen but I so wish there was something more, anything!
Thank you for vlogging that though, I think if anyone with even a distant thought of committing suicide watched that they would see the "other side" of the coin, the side of the people that get left behind and I truly believe that many of them would think twice before doing anything that extreme.
Take it easy on yourself and know that you are doing the best that you can. Please never feel that it isn't enough. Noone should expect more than you can give right now.
HUGS TO YOU AND THE KIDS!!
Oh baby, I just wish sometimes I could hold you until the crying stops.