Blog like no one is reading…
It always going to hurt.
That’s the thing, I think, that my brain doesn’t quite get. That it’s always going to hurt.
Because I feel like I’m waiting.
I’m not sure what for.
Tony, perhaps. that’s what it feels like. Like I’m waiting for Tony to come home.
I guess I am.
I don’t want to live here, in this house, anymore.
I can’t handle it. The shattered happy ever after.
But I can’t move. Not yet, not until Something happens with the finances.
Waiting.
For it to hurt less?
For my mind to process it a bit more?
I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s too sad, and it hurts too much, and my brain plays tricks on me every time I wake up. Every time, especially here, at home. I wake up and just for a second, half a second, I’m happy.
And then I remember.
What the fuck is going on here? How was it Christmas less than two months ago?
It feels like a lifetime.
I guess it is.
If someone had told me, at Christmas, that this would happen, I would never have believed them. Never. I would have laughed.
My whole basis of life, it’s gone.
How do I do this, without Tony? He protected us. Now I’m in charge, of two tiny people. That was always something we joked about- we couldn’t have another child, it would leave us outnumbered. And now I feel outnumbered.
Capable. It’s auto-pilot- nappy change, water, food, sleep. It’s the rest of their lives I worry about.
Because this is it. Single parenting, sole parenting, in it’s essence. All by myself.
I’m terrified.
How did this happen? We had plans. Tony was my life, from the second we had our first date- that was it. We were meant to be.
It was never supposed to end like this. We had plans, a whole life mapped out. A new house, in a year or two. A holiday, this year. Our kids in the local public school. Us growing old together.
We planned to retire to a lighthouse by the coast. And live out the last of our days, together, by the ocean.
I still can’t quite believe he’s gone.
I know, of course- I’ve been living with that reality for weeks now, although it feels like years.
I keep waiting for that exquisite purple happiness to come back. So I can grieve it, maybe.
Maybe it’s less painful if it doesn’t.
This hurts, dammit. This is beyond pain, beyond rage, beyond disbelief. This is everything I ever wanted, gone.
I was so easily pleased. I had my husband, my house, my kids. The only thing to cross off my list of Stuff I Wanted To Do With My Life was learn to ride a motorbike.
And now it’s gone. I had it all, and lost it a huge chunk of it. All before I turned thirty.
The future scares the shit out of me. Day after day after day stretches out before me. Endless. Painful.
I’m missing him so much, it’s driving me insane.
The image of him, slipping the rope on his neck, then hanging, lifeless, it burns into me, hurts me, hates me, every second of the day. And there is nothing I can do to escape it.
I feel like it’s going to drive me insane. There is only so much stress the human mind can take.
And my kids… I can barely speak about them. Especially my son. His pain, and mine, they reverberate against each other. I dread putting him to bed, as much as I love it. Because there is always a conversation about daddy, especially now that we send rainbows, from our heart to his in Heaven. Chop is so confused, hurting so much. Missing his best mate desperately.
And he checks with me, every time “Daddy’s in Heaven, up with the stars, Mummy? And he can’t come back?”
And I reply that no, he can’t, and we all miss him very much.
Just tonight, my little man continued to talk, sharing memories of his time with daddy that I can’t even recall now, it hurts too much. And he looked at me and said “No, Mummy!! Just talk to me, don’t be sad!!”.
And I realised I had tears rolling down my cheeks.
We’re lost without him. All three of us. The big kahuna, the protective, guiding, strong force in our lives is gone.
My children are without a father.
Forever.
I am raising two little people by myself, for the rest of my life. I never planned to do this by myself. I need Tony, who calmed me, who picked up the slack and smoothed out the stress.
What am I going to do? I know, it’s one day at a time, one foot in front of another, and time is the only thing that will heal it.
But it’s just so hard to keep going. When every day is so, so long, and it hurts so much. And the little things that made up our lives have just vanished.
No more beers with neighbours out in the street. No more beers in general. No more roast dinners, no more ironing his shirts at night. No more curling up on the lounge and watching movies together. No more weekend trips with the kids to the markets, to the beach, just out for a drive.
How could he do this? How could he just go and leave all this? We were so happy, fuck it. That what makes it worse. Just four days Before this happened, we were talking about how happy we were, how lucky we were, how good life was. We had our house, our cars, our pigeon pair of gorgeous children, our dog. A stable, suburban, happy family life. That was all either of us ever really wanted.
Why did he leave me? How could he do this? What am I going to do, without him?
The rest of my life. The rest of my kid’s lives. Without the man who was our rudder, our rock, our strength.
I’m terrified. Exhausted. And desperately lonely without my soul mate, without the company of a man. I miss having adult conversation. I miss having someone to nurture and take care who actually appreciates it. I miss cooking for him. I miss him teasing me.
I miss hearing him make our children laugh.
I thought it would be better, by now… I thought I’d be starting to feel better, glimpse some kind of light at the end of the tunnel.
I’m even sure what I’m searching for, what the light at the end of the tunnel should look like. Is it someone else who’ll love me, tell me I’m beautiful and take care of me? To wake up and not think everything is OK, for that one horrid second?
Or just to have a few hours a day where I feel normal, where I’m not just killing time, killing minutes, slaying seconds..?
I don’t know. I feel like I need a miracle.
Something, anything, to take the pressure off. To make me feel just that little bit better. Just for a moment.
Please.
{ 132 comments… read them below or add one }
Lori – I saw someone mention that you are in Perth. If so, you may wish to check out the Buddhist centre in Nollamara – visit http://www.bswa.org.au for details.
I'm not Buddhist, but I go there often, and it is a welcoming place with welcoming people, and a very funny abbot. It has helped me through some dark times.
Lori I only discovered your blog today from the article about the top 50 blogs of the year. My heart goes out to you & your babies. I haven't stopped reading & i'm sitting here typing this with tears running down my cheeks. I can't begin to imagine what 2011 has been like for you. To all the haters, fuck them! Surround yourself with love
I have no words to offer, just the tears in my eyes that I won't let fall, and the aching lump in my throat…these and the desire to make you aware that there is yet another person whom you don't know who wishes she could take away your pain. Nobody deserves this.
Don't be heart broken;It's very difficult situation for you but soon everything will be okay.Bow to gods will and have patience.
Lori – I want to say 2 things I think are really important (coming from my own point of view – which is all I can offer):
1. Living with someone with depression is hard, damn hard; but you ARE NOT responsible for their disease or the ultimate consequence of when the disease took over Tony. Yes I am responsible for the hurtful things I retaliate with because my husband, the person I love desperately and who is supposed to love me, is in so much pain he can only think of himself. Yes I admit with perfect hindsight I could respond better when he is in a dark place, but most times I am coming from my own hurt. The thing I have learnt is that he feels better when he makes me feel worse, I can forgive it as it is not who he is, but the disease. If I wasn't emotionally invested I wouldn't say the things I say, but if he wasn't unwell he wouldn't say the things he says. Many of my friends tell me to leave – they hate seeing him put me down, but I am learning that is his only coping mechanism, I am finding mine and whilst I still love him and choose to be with him, I will continue to make my own mistakes. BUT I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS ACTIONS and YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR LOVED ONES ACTIONS.
2. Mothers who are self aware raise beautiful, emotionally healthy, balanced and functioning members of society – no matter what tragedies lie in their past. You are a brilliant mother, allowing yourself to feel and grieve and react and reach out and not internalise everything. Do not let anyone tell you any differently – like they say in the in-flight safety talk, put on your own oxygen mask first, then you will be able to do that for your babies. There is no time frame, there is no right or wrong, but there should be a medal for you forging your way back from the darkness. I celebrate just how strong you are, your children are blessed to have you as their mother, do not doubt yourself there. Your love is abundantly evident – that is what matters: your love and the fact that you are so self aware is a gift to them.
Actually – can I add a 3rd thing: some people want to help you, some people want you to help them. You have already done enough trying to help Tony – for those that are so consumed with their own grief (or demons), let them drain someone else. Surround yourself with the ones who want to help you and do your best to switch off those that allow the black dog to manifest in you. You don't need ANYONE in your life who makes you feel worse – now or ever.
(although I have normally signed my comments, I hope you don't mind that I make this one anon, my hubby is not in a good place at the moment and this wouldn't help him)
Hello Miss Lori
I have 3 grown kids. Two sons and a daughter. Life had me raising these kiddos on my own. They have been my savior and my joy. The other day as my daughter in law presented me with another pic of me and the grandson, my big kid said Ma, It looks like you have done that, being hand in hand with a toddler a thousand times looking at that picture. You look like the perfect Mom. The kids were always going to be your joy. Every day, when they sleep or play with each other, when they do something new or something goofy you will see your miracle Miss Lori. It is already here and for this there is no waiting. Joy is yours when you are ready and you will feel it when it is time. Kiss those babies! Love and Peace to you from a Ma who did it all and got it all in return!
I wish I could reach right through the computer and hold you x
Lori, I'm here just to send some love. Not that it helps but you're not far from my thoughts. Know that. xx
Honey I just want to say that as much as everyone thinks you should be doing xyz, them pushing you is going to do the opposite. Freud is different for everyone, and in time the new "normal" will come. Tony will always have a huge place in your heart, and posting your daily life will help you to a) remember and b) find yourself. Just keep doing the essentials Hun, everything else will be there still when you are ready.
Much love Alioops (BB)
I started reading your blog just a little bit Before.
From what I can see from here you & Tony had a complex relationship. So do a lot of couples.(We do). OK, you were no angel, but neither was he. Neither am I. None of us are. We're human.
What is clear from here is that you loved each other & wanted to be together.
My wife & I have had rows, sometimes vicious. Afterwards I often feel like shit, & yes, even suicidal. But guess what: I'm still here.
I don't care what you or he did or didn't do, no one does what he did just 'cos they're unhappy with their wife!
I saw his comment on your blog a few days Before. Just a bloke sharing some light-hearted banter with his wife. 4 days Before, as you said, he was talking about how happy you were together.
A man who's been driven to suicide by his wife doesn't behave like that!
Did you want this? Did you plan this? Of course not!!
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
You're surviving & have already taken a massive first step: reconnecting with your children.
I'm sure it doesn't feel that way, & all you feel is pain,. Of course you do. The hurt will always be there. But I'm sure it will get better, over time.
You're here, you're surviving, you're doing wehat you can. that's all you can do for now. Keep doing it.
Hang in there! x
Love,
A bloke
(PS: I've read all your posts & have commented on most of them. I'm anonymous now because of the personal nature of this comment, & as it doesn't just involve me).
Been thinking about you since I woke up this morning. Praying for you, that today is bearable. I'm cheering you on today. xoxoxoxox
Lori my heart breaks and my tears fall for you and your kids. No one should have to through the hurt, the pain, the suffering that this has caused. Sending you a big hug
I check in with you every day, Lori. And the thing I most in regards to the Blood post is this:
Don't let Their Lies become Your Truth.
Deep down, I have to believe that you know that Tony saying those horrible things were lies, part of his mental illness. And even people who blame you now for his death, I am hoping you can see it's a lie. To make you uncomfortable. To shut you up. To make you smaller.
I want the "Fuck you" Lori back. I know she's in there. It tears me up that right now you feel diminished and alone.
It's hard for me to put into words, but I feel like you're this lovely, sun-warmed rock of a person – who, in her good times, in the Before, always knew that. Now I feel like with the After, there are people telling you to lie down, stick your head in the sand; eroded until you're pulled out to sea.
It bothers me how deserted you've been. Cast aside with unfair accusations and threats to your children and to who you really are – that some would have preferred a pretty lie to the ugly truth of what happened to your purple life.
In Revolutionary Road there is a line that goes:
"Tell me the truth. Remember that? We used to live by it. And you know what's so good about the truth? Everyone knows what it is however long they've lived without it. No one forgets the truth, they just get better at lying."
Your Blog. Your Truth. Your Reality.
We're right here for you, Lori.
Tara
You can do this. You can raise your children. You will be able to move on eventually, when you are ready. You have already proven how strong you are in the past few weeks. You will make it through this. We are all here supporting you and hoping the best for you. People you don't know, people that you will probably never meet. We all have confidence in you. We all are hoping and praying for the best for you and your family. YOU CAN DO THIS LORI!!!!
Blog like no one is reading – I like that
xxx
Sending you love and thoughts Lori. Hope you are doing ok x
The miracle is time.
what a frickin' cliche, and i know it doesn't help you now, but it's the truth.
you are waiting, but it won't happen suddenly. one foot lori, one foot
M2Mx
Hi Lori,
Big hugs to you.
We had an earthquake in Christchurch today, and it reminded me of a comment from a Mother her lost her 4 year old son tragically. She said that after the last Christchurch earthquake in Septemeber, she felt like, for the first time, the world reflected how she was feeling.
Thinking of you tonight.
Sending hugs, hoping that you find strength in all the people who support you here.
You lost your Tony a few days before I lost a loved one. I've been reading your blog since, sharing your grief. Admittedly, my life wasn't as shattered by my loss as yours has been by yours, but grief is grief, and no one warns you of the pain it brings. My thoughts are always with you, and I pray one fine day your grief starts to hurt less.
Mary sent me over, and I've just spent a long time reading your posts of the past several months.
There is no "right way" to grieve. I pray that your raw pain is soothed a little bit more each day.
Your openness helps me understand what a friend went through (years before I met her) when her husband took his own life. Over the past 10 years she has created a safe family life for her 2 children. It's been tough, but like you, she kept at it. Please hang onto hope.
Lori, my heart is with you. You are not alone.
I just wanted to send you a massive warm hug, thinking of you xx
I've never lost a spouse but I have lost a parent when I was a child, and what I've learned from the grieving process is that it never ends, it just evolves. Sometimes it's hard and awful and sometimes it gives you strength and appreciation for life. Take your time, do what you need to do, find support. I'm in awe of your strength and your courage!
I also second what your son said… Keep talking about Tony. You have to be your kids' memory in the years to come. It's so hard, but make it a daily habit. My dad couldn't do it, he buckled under the grief and we all stopped talking about my mom. We lost so many memories and now she's just a fuzzy if lovely cloud in my mind.
You are in disbelief. You are empty and you are on fire.
Your world has changed in a way you couldn't have fathomed before. You've lost the person who helped you define yourself and your life. You went to Tony with everything and that made life real. Now you've got nowhere to take your stuff – at a time you really need to talk to someone.
You can be ok. The kids will be ok. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. It's ok if it takes more than a day to take one step.
In the meantime, it's definitely ok to resent the hell out of the fact that the world is still turning.
Hi, I only come across your blog.. I just want let you know that my heart (as well as the other 82 bloggers) are with you.. It's heartbreaking for anyone to see you in such a pain. I can only hope that time will heal, and that you can take comfort in those who care about you through this process.
Hope strength be with you always. **Hugs and Prayers**
Sending a rainbow to you, Lovely, from my heart to yours and your dear sweet kids. I hope with everything I have in me that you are given the briefest moments of respite from this soon. Huge hug to you, Lori.
Thinking of you Lori and sending you love.
Oh Lori. I can't begin to imagaine. One second, one minute at a time…. I reckon there's a silver lining out there somewhere. I just hope it comes soon for you xxxx
Thank you for letting us come back and comment. I am well aware that nothing that I write here can really help you, but I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and that I hope so badly that some day you get your miracle.
Sending you lots of love.
Fine
We're still here Lori, still struggling to find any words that will help, but we're still here, thinking of you, hoping for you. Do what the Bloggess says – send the arseholes to her – she'll sort them out.
I have just recently started reading your blog, and I have to commend you on being honest and open about your feelings, about what happened.
My heart aches for you, when I've read some of your posts about how people expect you to be back to normal, better almost after just a handful of weeks. I am by no means an expert and I by no means understand what you are going through. However, I can understand what you mean when you say that the world expects you to get on with life, to get over it in just a short period of time. Because by no means is there a time-line for grief nor should there be. We all handle/process/deal with things differently. I know the future is scary, sometimes we need to take the day one second at a time. Maybe that will help, make it through the second, the half an hour, the hour, the 2 hours. Celebrate in those victories, because understandably the future is scary.
Under all the hurt, the pain I see a strong woman. I see a woman who's fighting to survive when something horrific has happened to her and her children. All I can say is that I see that strong woman in you and I applaud you for doing everything you can to pick up the pieces. It will be ok, you will be ok.
*Hugs* K
Oh Lori, I just ache for you and your kids. I want to tell you that it will get easier, but what do I know? I haven't been through anything like what you're going through. But other commenters have and I hope their words that come from the same place where you are (or close to it) help you and give you hope that, in time, things will get better.
I wish I had something more insightful to say. Just know that you're loved and thought of by people around the globe and you're in our prayers and thoughts.
I am glad that you turned comments back on. I have absolutely nothing helpful to say but I'm glad that you're still writing and I hope it helps in some small way. I hope that knowing there are lots of us who read you and care for you and are hurting for you helps a little too.
xxx
Dear Lori
We're all here for you, surrounding you and your little one with love, coming to you from here, there and everywhere.
One foot in front of the other, one day at a time.
God bless
Stella
I don't have anything substantial to add to the comments, I just wanted to leave a **hug**
Lori,
is there anyway you can move? not right now, but maybe in a year or so? i know almost what you mean about what he said to his friends and family about you. you're not fucked up. you're human. so is everyone. including his friends and family that blame you. you need to get away from these people before you start to really believe this. it is not true. don't forget who you are. you're gonna pull through this. get away from those assholes.
love from philadelphia.
Just stopping by to leave you some love Lori.
Tony taking his life was not your fault. It was his mental illness.
Out of all the people in the world, Tony chose you to be his life partner, to be the mother of his babies.
Mental illness is a nasty beast, as you know. It was mental illness that was the reason for Tony leaving. Not you. Never you.
This was not your fault.
Post like nobody is reading. Let it out. And know that we care.
Love you Lori
The way you are writing is so…. honest. It's just so brilliant. Words can't describe it. Thank you for being brave enough to keep on writing. It is helping people more than you know. I am praying so much for you Lori. I really do believe that God can heal this.
i'm so very proud of you. Healing takes time and there is no order, time limit or protocal for the stages of grief. We're all just so glad that you're still writing, still breathing and able to accept our love once again.
that was a beautiful post
i'd like to say to anonymous, that was very brave of you, apologising like that. I'm not sure if Lori has or will forgive you, but we all say things we regret when we're in pain, just look what Tony said to Lori. I hope you guys can support eachother, God knows you both need it at such an awful time.
much love to you and your little family, keep on keeping on, we're all behind you to catch you if you fall. xox
Andy and Tony are watching us:) It does get better and the one second in the moment you wake does get to two seconds and then minutes and eventually it is now a few hours for me. Suicide is horrible especially when you love them so much and you are with them minutes before and it all seems so unreal…..Be how ever you want to be. The pain does pass to a lesser pain. Funny it has been 20 months since Andy killed himself and the other day I just howled. You are right to blog, talk, be by yourself, whatever is needed. Thinking of you from the other side of the world.
KangaUK Vickie
Lori
We recently lost a friend in very tragic circumstances. I just wanted to share a poem that my daughter (aged 10) wrote a few days after.
Sadness,
Is a curse,
My heart,
Is an ocean,
Made of tears,
That have been shed,
From the curse,
Of the sadness,
Sucking the beauty out of life,
So all you can see is the bad,
And the sadness,
Becomes the normal,
And the happiness,
You once had,
Becomes a reverie,
But then,
The light shines,
And slowly,
Love returns.
Thinking of you. Hope your light shines soon.
I wanted to say something that would somehow ease your pain. But I can't seem to find the right words. All I have is my love and hope that you'll find the light.xxxxx
It is the "rest of my life" thing that still gets me too. Still here, still reading, still supporting you 100 per cent.
xo
Lori, just look at all the love up there ^ for you. There isn't much more I can add.
I do know the light at the end of the tunnel isn't something you work towards, it's something that you realise you've passed when the day comes that you haven't thought of Tony and cried every single waking moment. When you've laughed at something funny your kids have done, instead of thinking I wish Tony had been here to see that. of course you'll think it, but the laugh will come first. There will be moments of joy. Not tomorrow, not next week, but these things will happen.
{{{{hugs}}}}
There will be ups and downs. Times where you cannot breathe for the enormity of it all, and then all of a sudden you can't breathe because you forgot. Just for a minute.
And then it will be an hour.
Or even a few.
There will be days where you are right back at day one again, and then others where you feel almost normal.
Life will never be what it was, but you will adjust to a new kind of normal.
Trust me on that.
Just wanted to leave you hugs and prayers.
I know I know I know I know.
That screaming in your head…. I hear it too.
That *forever* that stretches out in front of you.
The sudden single parenting.
All I can say is that recently (11months out) I've had moments of clarity, seconds of grace, glimpses of acceptance … usually followed by the walloping sadness, the knowing, the fear of the future.
A future that I have to be in for my kids.
But as bad as it is, I'm doing my own version of this hell alongside you. and sometimes that helps.
Hugs.
Love you lori, keep holding on baby girl x x x
Just want to give you hugs. There has been some lovely words and I cant had anything more.
Lori,
I have not commented before today as so many others have given you such wonderful advice. I just want to say, I know you feel like all your plans for the future are now gone and life as you used to know it is forever changed, but what you have now is a new future to write for you and your children, a new dream to follow. It is ok to mourn not just the loss of your husband but the loss of your hopes and dreams for the future. Once the fog clears and the light comes back into your life (and it will) you can start to lay down your new hopes and dreams for the future. You can start new routines and occasions for you and your children. Letting go of what you thought your future was going to be is the hardest part but once you do, you will see your life open before you with limitless possibilities. Just remember that no matter which way your life goes and which dreams you choose to follow, Tony will be there with you, he will not be alongside you but he will be inside you and your children’s hearts. You can do this and you will do this. Your new dreams are just waiting for you to discover them. xxoo
if I could for one single moment take the pain from your heart I would. I just started reading your blog and think of you often in my day. My own heart aches when I read your feelings. Keep feeling. Keep hoping, keep screaming in pain. Just keep being you.
Much love to you and your people!
lotsa luv from Seattle, WA.
Kerry
Your pain is agonising Lori. Even though I don't know you, I admire your courage and wish I could make things okay. I don't know what else to say but wanted to say something.
This tunnel is now pemanent, but you can brighten it yourself, as you heal. You will brigten the tunnel with life and love as your heart repairs, you will still have the scars, and it will take time, your time and agenda, not anyone elses.
There will be light again, nd it will come from you when you are ready.
I am here Lori, listening and thinking of you and your children, holding you in my heart. The joy will find its way to you and I believe Tony is watching out for you, the little ones. I had a therapist when I was 16 and in so much pain tell me that I had a guardian… cynical me, I scoffed then but believe it now. My father's spirit only left me when he knew joy had found me.
love to you,
pam
You have to give yourself permission to feel. To laugh without guilt, to hide when you need to and to take however long you need to heal.
Find your new life. One for you and for your children. And if anyone gives you a hard time about your personal way of dealing with this grief you send them to me.
The discussions you have with your beautiful boy at bedtime are heart breakingly beautiful. You are a strong, beautiful Mum to have those conversations with him and allow him to try and understand when you are sufferring such unimaginable pain.
Much love to you Lori, I admire your grace and courage under fire and wish those who are unnecessarily adding to the hell you are living could take a breath and lay the fuck off.
You're an amazing mum Lori. I know you don't want to have to be amazing. You just want your life and future back. But all the same, you're doing damn well. I hope you get your miracle. Anything, something to help heal a bit of the hurt. You don't deserve this pain. No one does. I don't have the right words, but wanted to let you know you still have people who care and support you even if we can't be much physical help or change things. Thinking of you and sending you love. xx
No words my friend. Just lots of love and lots of prayers. Know we are all here to support you. Lean on us. You're never alone. XoXo
I wish there was something I could say or do to take this all away. I wish it was a nightmare, and you could just wake up, tell Tony about it, and laugh a rueful laugh, and forget it.
There is only one way to do this Lori – your way. Whatever that may be. You're doing amazingly so far. Of course it doesn't feel that way, but I can see it in what you write. As for anyone who tries to tell you different, get rid of them. They don't deserve to be part of your life anymore. I have been very worried about you and so, so angry at the vicious 'anonymous' people in your life. I've only just managed to comment without more swear words than not.
I'm hoping that something gives a little relief soon, if only for a while.
Thinking of you always… love xoxoxox
I am so sorry for all this waiting you have to do. You will find your way out when it is the right time for you. I don't know if it will come on all at once or slowly over time but however you manage to "come back" will be right for you and your family. You are doing this as best as you can….you are doing this right for you. You are in my thoughts.
Jess
Hi Lori,
I only started reading your blog in "the after". I haven't been brave enough to comment until now. I didn't feel like I had a right to.
I lost two of my friends to suicide at different points in my life. Both were totally senseless and incomprehensible.
I never stop thinking about them.
I don't have the right words. I don't have any grand bits of advice that will fix things. But I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you. I am worried that your loss is swallowing you whole, taking everything out of you. It scared me that you turned the comments off. But I think I understand why you did.
And now that they are on again, I wanted to offer my support. I want you to be ok. I know that's a stupid thing to say, but I do.
Katy xx
Please email me if you want to: sisyphianrainbow@hotmail.com
All i know is the pain doesn't stop, but you just get used to the weight of it, eventually. You will always carry the pain around, but eventually it will sit in your backapck instead of your lap and you will have moments where you can push it out of your mind for a bit.
Just leaving some love xxx
Oh matey I wish there was something I could do to help you, but yep, I too live too far away. I know what you mean about not being able to go on without your "rock",,,,I am always so scared about something happpening to my Hubby, he is away for work right now and I sit here terrified that something horrible will happen. Its crazy but thats how it is. I know when he is away the days drag on forever, it is horrible.
No one ever plans to be a single parent when they have children, but sadly it happens way too often. I have no advice to give, only words of encouragement which don't do jack shit, I know.
I feel for you immensely, I log on every day to see if you have made any new posts, to make sure you are okay. I wish there was something I could say or do to help, even a little, but for now please know that we are thinking of you all the time.
Hugs to you and your children
Colleen
Sending much love and peace from Ohio, USA. Please know you are loved and wished nothing more than health, peace, and a beautiful life with those you love and who love you back… I too wish I could be there for you personally. You have touched so many hearts and will continue to do so every day– You have a permanent place in mine.
Much love,
Val in Ohio
I came across this Lori, a beautiful poem that brings tears to my eyes. Tears as I relate it to the man I love, and tears as I think of your sorrows:
You can shed tears that he has gone
or you can smile because he has lived
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back
or you can open your eyes and see all that he's left
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him
or you can be full of the love you shared
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday
You can remember him and only that he's gone
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
or you can do what he'd want
Smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
Unsure who wrote it, but it's a beautiful reminder to let his memory live. Hugs to you Lori xx
Love you my darling
Being suddenly on your own caring for very young children is terrifying. It happened to me with my 16 month old when my partner walked out very suddenly. I spent most of the time beating myself up for being such a terrible, emotional, overwrought mother who couldn't keep it together in front of her son. After a long time I realised that just being there for him, even if I wasn't in a perfect state, was enough, and that as awful as it was for him to have to experience this he was learning that mummies get really sad sometimes too and struggle and don't always get it right. But he was loved, and over the last 18 months has thrived and is growing into a beautiful young boy.
Loneliness is something you can't prepare for not when you've lost your best friend. You realise that they were the only ones you talked to about certain stuff especially to do with the kids. And suddenly you don't get to talk to anyone about the stuf fon your mind anymore.
All you can do is move gently through each day. Be very kind to yourself, and take whatever little bit of time or space you ever get to look after yourself. I joked I was going to work on 'project me'. Read things that inspire you, only listen to music that uplifts you, try to look at one beautiful thing every day. Socialise when you can, because you have to nurture this aspect of your life – a little time away from the kids. A time to escape for a bit.
The person who'll be waiting for you at the other end of the tunnel? Well, it will be you, Lori. Because there will be no end, there just will be now, and now will get brighter, slowly but surely. It may get bright then dark again, but it will be better. It is all about adjustment, and it is all just very very very hard.
Have faith in yourself – have faith in the process. You will get through this.
x
Oh Lori!! THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! Tony was sick. In his last few months that illness took over. The demons he carried with him are responsible for this, not you. I'm sure if Tony were able, he'd tell you that you could not have loved him better, that no one could have loved him better. That those people blaming you are just idiots who are angry at him for leaving and are taking it out on the easiest target – you. That all of these what-ifs are just going to eat you up inside.
Please, Lori. You need to give yourself time and permission the heal. You can't hold your children above water when you are drowning yourself. I know this us not the life you planned. But you will manage to make a new life. For you and your children. And there will be joy. But it will take time. We are here every day for you. Big hugs. B xox
Oh Lori! I know many others will agree that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You cannot be responsible for Tony's actions. He was unwell, and was blinded by his illness. It was those demons that took him away, not you. You could spend the rest of your life playing what-ifs, but the only thing it is going to do is cause you pain. I'm sure if Tony could, he would tell you that you loved him the best you could, that no one could have loved him better, and that all the love in the world couldn't keep those demons away.
You need to heal in your own time Lori. All of those that are pushing you to resume normal life need to piss off. Can't they see that if you are drowning, you can't also hold your children up above water? Its true that your life will be different than you planned, but you will find joy again. But in your own time. Please don't let anyone stop you from being you, for getting this all out there. And know that we are all here, holding your hand. And we don't blame you. B xox
Lori much love to you right now, please be gentle with yourself
Just tears, love and big warm hugs today Lori xxoo
I forgot to write the most important thing!
My friends Mum, the one who's hubby killed himself. She was the one that we all wanted to be around. She seemed to have much more insight about things and a better attitude. She was obviously interested in our state of mind and our life dreams, not just our grades or who our boyfriends were. Also her son turned into a fabulous man. I'm not trying to show you a 'silver lining', but hopefully this might help you see that you can do this, and you can be awesome just being you.
I hope that makes sense.
I wonder if people do blame you or if it just seems that way because many people feel deeply uncomfortable around someone bereaved and tend to back off. It's easy for people to deal with your children because… well, they are kids, but adults are difficult.
One of my friends dad's suicided when he was seven and it was, like yours, completely out of the blue. My friends mum told me that she coped by never really adjusting and never locking him into the past. She just did it her way, at first speaking to him out loud a lot, telling him how pissed off she was, but later forgiving him for doing such a crap thing in an impulsive moment. She would say things like 'what a great party, I bet X regrets killing himself now' (quite a conversation stopper, I might say).
I'm sure Tony didn't think too hard about the hurt he would cause you. He was caught up in his feeling at that moment and couldn't see past it, at that moment. It's not your fault. He could have told you what he was struggling with. Are you supposed to be psychic as well as running a household and looking after two little kids?
Everything you are experiencing is normal for you. There is no 'typical' way to react to such a thing. Just do what you need to, do it your way, whatever that may be.
I wish I lived down the street from you so I could visit with you and tell you you'll be ok. I'm frustrated that I can only leave you a quippy little comment in this square.
Pain like this will not be gone in two months. If anyone tells you this, they don't need to be around you right now. You need to be allowed to go through every inch of this at your own pace. Every minute brings you closer to healing and sometimes those minutes feel like days. Just breath through each minute and be glad when you've made it to the other side of each day.
It's important to have the "knowledge" that this was not your fault but I also think it's part of the process to feel the feeling it was. It goes along with all the other feelings. Truth comes later but for now it has to be ok to flounder around in what is feeling and not what is truth.
The most important thing I heard during one of my darkest hours was that it is ok to feel all these things and that I was allowed to fall apart. I was told my process was probably going to take about 3 to 5 years to feel better. Somehow that gave me permission to slow down in my heart and travel through it rather than try to get over it. I never lost a person but I'm smart enough to understand that loss is part of who you are now, like a new arm or leg attached to you forever. It will be different every day and you WILL learn to use it and live fully with it but for now you have to suffer through it's addition and it's terrible.
This will be a roller coaster, from good to bad to good again, and just when it feels really good you are reminded how bad it is.
If you felt fine right now, I would be really worried. What happened to your life is not normal and there is no reason you should feel "normal" or fine about it. The sun will rise and set again, just stay in the game and ride out each setting. It will get better when it's time.
You will be in my heart each day. I remember days when the only reason I had to live was because I had my daughters to take care of, thank God for those girls. Hold tight to them.
I hope what I said is ok.
Lori, I am sorry for my hostility in my recent comment. I guess I couldn't look past my own grief to see yours & why you are doing certain things. Your hurt is nothing like mine he was only a friend to me. I'm sorry for causing you any pain when your already so clearly in so much of it. Please accept my regrets. I wasn't thinking of how my post would effect you & maybe deep down I wanted it to hurt you a little, but I dont think you could possibly hurt anymore. How horrible of me. I am very sorry.
Please believe us when we say Tony's death was NOT YOUR FAULT. If you can't believe those words when you say them to yourself, please try to believe it when others say it.
IN NO WAY WAS THIS YOUR FAULT.
Try to be kind to yourself. I think it's the most important thing you can do right now.
Thiking of you. xxxx
Would some time away from home help?
Keep talking Lori. There are lots of us out here still listening.
xxx
I don't know that there's a 'miracle'. I don't know that there's any way through this but to trudge through it like mud.
I don't know that I possibly could. For the reasons that you have said – they are EXACTLY how I imagine I'd feel. The rest of forever, without the boys father. The rest of forever where they aren't the people they were supposed to be as they grew up.
I don't know how you're doing it, Lori. I've been reading your posts and the comments, and I dont' know how you're doing it.
I don't know how 6 weeks in, this could possibly feel any different than the end of the world. Apocalyptic. You've survived the worst kind of trauma.
For now I guess, it's the best there is – survival. God I wish it weren't so. I wish so desperately for you that it weren't so.
I don't know what to say. I've read your last few posts and am just at a complete loss. I can't understand how people could do that, I realize that they're hurting but does lashing out at someone Tony loved actually make them feel better? Does it make them feel proud?
Regardless of whether or not you're to blame (which I sincerely doubt), even a blind man can see how much you're hurting, do they think Tony would be proud of their cowardice?
Lots of love Lori.
Darling Lori,
Your pain and suffering chokes me when I read what you are going through. Be brave for yourself and your kids. No one knew Tony like you did. Not his mother, sister or any so called friend. You knew him better than anyone else so please take comfort in that. I can't imagine just how alone you must feel but even though we are not physically there for you, there are a lot of people praying for you and trying to offer as much support through words as we can.
You are in inspiration to every single reader out here. You are doing an amazing job and are showing us how strong, determined and brave you are. I guess all you can do is keep going through the motions of each day until something shifts for you. I am sending you prayers and hugs that some time part of every day becomes better than the day before xxxxxx
Hugs Lori,
You blog has touched my heart. I have cried over your powerful posts, yelled at the Pc and wanted to hurt those who have verbally hurt you. I especially connected with darkness. You must remember it is not your fault. People make their own decisions. Know that all your blogging family is here for you. I suggest you ignore those people who criticise you for not being a good Mum. You are grieving and it affect people in many ways. You are in my thoughts. Big Hugs! Love ADALITA
None of us can answer those questions for you Lori – we can tell you what you SHOULD do, or what will eventually happen, in the end… but the doing, in the journey to reach the eventuality? Only you can make that bit up.No right way, no wrong way, and no time limits.
Just you. And your bubbas. Any which way you can…
Sending you love from the UK. No other words except that I acknowledge your pain, it is real and raw and ugly. Let it all go in any way that suits you, maybe get a punching bag and belt the Sh!t out of it.
Belinda
just leaving you some love and hugs xx
thinking about you everyday xx
My heart still breaks for you Lori, I think it always will. I only hope that you know in the darkness and sadness you are making a difference to the others who are wresting with grief or suicide. Cold comfort probably, but you and your blogs are revealing the true aftermath of a terrible tragedy and we are all learning and growing and becoming better people because of the lessons you are teaching us.
Hold your babies tight, together you will make it through the other side, I promise x
We all wish we could fix it but we know we can't. We all care and want you to feel better. Keep blogging if it helps and we are all here to support you through this.
I wish we could do more……but alas we are too far apart on this globe.
Blog like no one is reading, but know we ARE and we CARE.
Hugs to you!
You are amazing. I haven't stopped thinking of you since it happened. Huge, huge hugs. I'm certain that SOMETHING will come along and give you the strength to get through this. You will get through this xxx
oh.
it's not much. it's not enough. nothing is enough.
i'm still here with you, still reading, still praying.
it's never going to be enough. i'm sorry. it's the best i can do from here.
I check everyday to make sure you've left a post, that you are still there and talking. I have no clever words to help you, but I am willing you on. Echoing all the 'distant' friends leaving comments – if there is something we can do from afar – just put it out there. Kia Kaha Lori, Kiri
You know, I've composed so many emails to you in my mind over the last week, but I haven't written them down. My mind isn't working so well. But I've wanted to tell you that none of this is your fault. At all. If someone is unhappy in a relationship for whatever reason, they have so many options (counseling, separation, divorce, etc.). No one makes another person commit suicide. It just doesn't work like that. If he, or anyone else, led you to believe that, they're wrong. That's simply a false equation. I understand how in your darkest moments you could feel that way, but it's not your fault.
I love you Lori and I hope you get your miracle. I hate to see you hurt so much. I'm praying that your pain eases and that the light appears and gives you some hope. xo
Oh my goodness. My heart just goes out to you, Lori. I am thinking of you and praying for you…
Cxx
Just saw this: http://thestir.cafemom.com/big_kid/116422/lesson_11_bullies
The Bloggess posted it. At the bottom, it says this:
"A surprisingly real aside: If you are being bullied, tell someone. Tell a friend, a teacher, your parents. Bullies can totally fuck up your sense of logic and make you feel like you’re worthless. You aren’t, and it’s not weak to say you need help. Even now I turn to friends when I start to think that the assholes might have a point. Then my friends remind me to ignore the assholes. Because they’re assholes. You are awesome and this will pass. Promise."
Sending love and strength, as always,
Marianna
Each time you write like this, it moves you a tiny step closer to the light, I think, Lori.
xxx
To the anonymous who came back to apologize …thank you…therein lies the seeds of grace and healing…Everyone has the right to their own privacy but bring anonymous to hurl further hurt into the situation is cowardly so at least this anonymous had the decency to come back to apologize for their words.
It is gut wrenching that Lori is in such agony..let us all be a peaceful,loving presence here for her in this, her space.
Hugs sweetie pie. One day at a time. One second at a time is all you have to do right now. You are in my prayers. Hugs.
And to all those people who love Tony and said you loved Lori, too, and have backed away, HELP HER! LOVE HER! Omgosh what is WRONG WITH YOU?? Get your head out of your ass and hold her tight!! She needs you so she can fall apart for a while! Lordhavemercy.
Keep writing. Keep telling your truth the way you need to tell it.
Thinking of you every day.
Please know that you will be okay. The pain and anguish you feel are normal. And only you know what yOu need to feel to get over this – even if you aren't aware of what you need.
Pour your heart out, feel it all and let it go – all in your own timeframe.
So glad you turned comments back on.
Sending you love and strength.
Xoxo
Please know that you will be okay. The pain and anguish you feel are normal. And only you know what yOu need to feel to get over this – even if you aren't aware of what you need.
Pour your heart out, feel it all and let it go – all in your own timeframe.
So glad you turned comments back on.
Xoxo
It would be nice if I could, like, say something that would help, that would somehow make things easier, but sadly, things just don't work that way. Instead, I'll send a cheesy little heart:
<3
there you go, and I will cheer you on from the sidelines. You'll find a way to get through it — you've been through so much already and you're still going; it says a lot (of good things, mind you).
(PS: tell all of those poisonous people around you to get fucked.)
Hang in there, Lori. Just hang in. Hang on. So many people are pulling for you – here for you. Sending love your way. You are good. You are worthwhile. You're going to get through this.
One second at a time.
xo
You and your children are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sweetheart
i've been a single mum of 2 little boys for 4yrs now, my boys are nearly 6 and 3 1/2yrs old. give yourself time you'll get there i wish i could help u walk this bumpy road to help with those 2 precious little men so that U can take a break when u need it.
U are held in my heart and prays constantly
OK, So here it is. I have been reading your blog since a friend told me about "that post". You know the one. I knew Tony and yes we have met but i would rather not mention my name as it would serve no purpose. And the reason it wouldn't serve any purpose is because those other anon people that are posting comments, those friends etc they have made up their minds. At first i was horrified that the details were there for everybody to read. But i have now been reading your blog on a daily basis and if those anon people pulled their heads out of their arses they would realise that this blog is helping you deal with the daily struggles that is beyond anyone elses understanding. I really wish that everyone could understand that. You are dealing with what happened every waking hour. I know what Tony did has shattered your little family to pieces and that it will never fit back together the way it once did. But i'm sure he wishes he could change what happened that day. I pray for you and the kids everyday.
xoxoxo
Yes, thank you for putting comments back on.
Lori-
What to say? I ache for you, someone I've never met, someone I can't help, someone I don't know but I can somehow feel the pain of.
This isn't your fault.
I don't think it's ever going to get any better, and you'll never, ever forget, but I think it will fade to an ache, like a tooth you never replace.
I wish for you nothing but the very best, and I hope knowing that people world wide are wishing you well, in some small way, helps.
Dear Lori,
I've been following your blog.
I must tell you I've been in Jungian analysis for 14 years and it's helped me cope with life and its uncertainties and surprises.
You have to know, and I am sure you've been told that you did not cause Tony to take his life. I am certain you've heard that the one left behind often feels they are to blame. They feel as if the person who killed himself killed himself because they did not help him. If that is the case, then the world let them down, not just their significant other. Their children, their parents, siblings, friends, co-workers are all to blame. We who are not going through this know this is irrational. It is irrational to shoulder the blame or expect anyone else to take the blame for someone taking their own life.
Carl Jung wrote: The idea of suicide, understandable as it is, does not seem commendable to me. We live in order to gain the greatest possible amount of spiritual development and self-awareness. As long as life is possible, even if only in a minimal degree, you should hang onto it, in order to scoop it up for the purpose of conscious development. To interrupt life before its time is to bring to a standstill an experiment which we have not set up. We have found ourselves in the midst of it and must carry it through to the end.(1973, p. 434)
Following is a letter which Dr. Jung wrote to a friend who had suffered the loss of a young child.
“Dear N.,
I am sorry you are so miserable. “Depression” means literally “being forced downward.” This can happen even when you don’t consciously have any feeling at all of being “on top.” So I wouldn’t dismiss this hypothesis out of hand …
I would seek out one or two people who seemed amiable and would make myself useful to them … I would raise animals and plants and find joy in their thriving. I would surround myself with beauty — no matter how primitive and artless — objects, colors, sounds. I would eat and drink well.
When the darkness grows denser, I would penetrate to its very core and ground, and would not rest until amid the pain an light appeared to me, for in excessu affectus Nature reverses herself. I would turn in rage against myself and with the heat of my rage I would melt my lead. I would renounce everything and engage in the lowest activities should my depression drive me to violence. I would wrestle with the dark angel until he dislocated my hip. For he is also the light and the blue sky which he withholds from me.
Anyway, that is what I would do. What others would do is another question, which I cannot answer. But for you too there is an instinct either to back out of it or to go down to the depths. But no half-measures or half-heartedness.
With cordial wishes,
As ever, C.G.Jung
I hope you find peace somehow, someway. You are a beautiful, talented individual with a great sense of humor and a lot to offer people, the strangers or friends who read your blog, your friends and your family, especially your children. You will find the light in the darkness. It just takes time and it will be all the more worthwhile when you do come across it. Even now, I suspect there are brief moments of light piercing its way through to you. You just have to see it and this will come in time.
Thinking of you, as always. *hugs*
I wish I had the right words – or any that would help. But I don't. Because I don't know. I can't know. Because I haven't been you. But I can send hugs and love. So I do. As well as deep admiration that you have kept going, are still going. I know that I couldn't.
Thinking of you Lori.
I made my birthday candle wish for you – wishing you'd somehow start seeing that light again soon. Even just tiny glimpses.
Sending LOVE and STRENGTH
Marianna
I wish I could organise a miracle for you. i will continue to pray for one for you and your littlies – but mostly for you. you have touched my life and I am sorry it is through some a trauma for you. I thank-you for sharing your pain and hope it is helping a little? You are so brave and strong.
I've been worried as well after reading your last few posts but then I remembered you saying that your counselors told you that weeks 4 – 6 were going to be particularly hard. This is where you're at.
Keep talking, keep writing and know that all your online friends are thinking of you and wish we could be there in person to give you all those hugs you need and just to be there to listen to you rant and rave.
All we can do is send those hugs through cyber-space and hopefully sometimes you can feel them.
I wish there was something I could do to help. You are in my thoughts
Hey, Lori:) I know you feel stuck and all, but I can see that you are growing in this, improving, getting slowly stronger. Look back at how you were straight after his death, can you see how far you've progressed in this? I'm not saying you're over it or any such ridiculous thing.
But the good stuff is happening, because you're letting yourself feel it. I think the good things will come in tiny doses. They won't be what you're looking for. Just look for small good things here and there, and let them grow into bigger things over time.
And go easy on yourself. You're doing great. ((HUG)) Before you know it, your days will feel full again.
Oh Lori, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I know it seems impossible, but you've shown such amazing strength the last six weeks. You CAN do this, you can find a new path for yourself & your children. And you don't have to look for it or find it, it will just happen. Slowly, one day at a time without you realising, until some time down the line you'll look back & be amazed at how far you've travelled.
You are amazing. There are hundreds of people out here who truly believe that. And we'll believe in you, for you, until you are able to do it yourself.
Tonnes of love, Sophie xxx
Oh honey. I have no words. Sending love. <3 <3 <3
I have been so worried about your these last couple of days. I feel for you Lori, I truely truely do. What an impossible situation to be in. All I can do for now is send you hugs across australia and let you know that your family are in our prayers and thoughts. Your situation, what you are going through, has touched our lives over here. Its our reality as well. Please when you need help or anything, let us know. xx
Oh sweetheart. I feel so much sorrow for you.
I really wish I could come over to comfort you, to listen to you and just help you…..but unfortunately I live too far away. So I'll be just thinking of you and praying for you and your little ones.
Love, Wendy
I've been trying for hours to think of something helpful to say but I just can't.
The experts say that you're in the middle of the worst of it, now – that it will start to get easier soon. Well, what kind of comfort is that? You hurt so much, right now, and all we can do is watch helplessly.
I wish you peace. In your head, in your heart, in your home, and here.
xxx
Hi Lori
Your comment about retiring to a lighthouse made me smile. It reminded me of a special poem my Heartpoet wrote for me awhile back. I wanted to share it with you.
Love's Lighthouse
In later years when we look back
the memories will glow
Incandescent light will burn
to spell I love you so
Each day each smile a longing touch
a globe upon the hill
A lighthouse built for you and me
our memories will spill
And time will last for evermore
for you and I are one
Though separate upon our path
our hearts still beat as one
So take a moment now my dear
and treasure second's skip
As together in this universe
we sail our own love's ship
~*Heartpoet*~
Lori you would like a special poem written in memory of Tony please email anytime.
Much love
Thinking of you often
Kimmie
x
I have been reading for weeks, I just never know what to say.
I hope you start to find some happiness soon. What a horrible, horrible thing to have to go through!
My heart melted just reading what your son said about his Daddy.
I think your children will be what gets you through this. x
I've said this before, my two babies are the same age as yours and I don't know if I could raise them alone…It's HARD work!!! I guess you just go into survival mode and do what you have to do.
Fuck anyone who tells you how grieving should be done, they aren't doing it. If you decided to go out and screw every guy in town tomorrow thinking it would make you feel better for a minute, then so be it.
Don't make me fly to Australia and kick somebody's ass.
I've been crying ever since I started reading your blog 3days ago. So much has happened in my mind, to my mind, in that time, so much has shifted, slow as a glacier but it has shifted all the same. The things that have shifted, moved into focus for me since being touched by your story and your way of processing everything out loud so bravely like this, THOSE things have not so much shifted but MELTED. THANKYOU for being you. For writing. I'm praying for you to feel something, anything, shift inside. I truly do not know why things have been made to be like this for you now but I honestly pray that some tiny relief can come your way very very soon. Thinking of you and sharing your story with my husband as often as I feel I can. Thats all I can muster by way of a humble comment in the face of the magnitude of your feelings and painfully human suffering
You're in my thoughts. I wish I could do something to take the pain away.
I'm praying you get your miracle hun.
Sending love and strength. xoxo
I'm so glad you've put comments back on because I've really wanted to reach down the computer and grab you and hug you beautiful Lori! I'm so sorry for those awful 'friends' making you feel like shite and I just want to come to you and look after the kids for you so you can sleep or not be there or something, anything, whatever you need to do to get through to the next moment and I don't even know you. How can your 'friends' not want to do the same?? Big hugs Lori, this is not your fault. Winter from BB xox
Just leaving some love <3
Hugs to you
Tonight I can't say much ..yet I want to..but not sure you want to read anybody' s stuff .. but, wait, you've opened the comments. So that's a start.
Hi Lori,
I know what you mean – about "waiting"
That's been my over-arching thought for the past 2 years.
I can guess what/where/why I'm waiting but, gee, it's really sucky, waiting.
I've read what your waiting is about,
The ' back to where we were' scenario..make it good..no T hanging ..no tragedy… Picking up the pieces …NOPE. Ain't gonna happen.
My waiting concerns a hub. One who is getting more unwell each day due to Parkinsons Dis, and been a chronic pain sufferer and depressive.it's been my burden since 1978.
I've just realized my reason for "waiting" I'm waiting for a life I want to lead like other newly retired couples…. NOPE. Ain't gonna happen.
WAITING it would seem for both of us is WASTING our time & lives.
What will you do about that?
I have decided that I cause myself too much angst, worry, sadness by the waiting for what will never come, and I, only I, now plans for a solo retirement based on hub's status eg he has in-home respite so I travel.
I wish I had the words to take this away, to take away the pain, to take away the pressure. To take back the last several weeks. If I could, I would. But your Man, your Tony, is still with you, with your kids. All the time. Talk to him. Yell at him. Vent to him. And when your heart is still, you'll hear him, talking to you. I don't have the words, but I have love; endless support, and all the positive energy in the world. The people who REALLY have your back, who REALLY love you, aren't going anywhere, and support you, for however long you need.
Lots of love. Still.
Autumn xxx
Email me if you need anything. I mean it.
pulpandpalette@gmail.com
Your protector is still with you! You can't see him, but I believe his spirit is omnipresent, protecting you and your children every second of the day. He's watching you & them. He is at peace. Try to take comfort in the thought that your children have an angel guarding them. Peace.