My head cold becomes, with very little warning, a perforated eardrum. It’s right up there on the pain scale, with childbirth and wisdom teeth removal. I don’t think I’ve ever been so miserable.
I vacate to my mum’s house, obviously taking my children with me. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I try to remember back Before, when I had life under control and didn’t get sick like this all the time…. and, really, that memory gets harder and harder to sustain. Isn’t ‘normal’, by definition, what happens most of the time? Which means, by default, this is ‘normal’ now. ‘Normal’ encompasses find the littlest things too difficult to deal with. I fall apart so easily.
I compare myself to my own mum and wither in her shadow. She seems to just keep going- she takes care of me, of my kids, she works full time, she helps out my brother and continues to sort out my Gran‘s estate. She makes Easter morning special for my children in a way I just would have never have found the brain-space for- she stays up to track Easter Bunny footprints in talcum powder, to spread tiny bits of cotton ball ‘tail’ in a trail to their Easter presents.
Easter Bunny pawprints. Courtesy of my awesome Mum.
I’m eternally grateful. I don’t know what would happen to us, to me, to my kids, if she wasn’t around. At the same time, the guilt eats at me. I want to fall at her feet and beg forgiveness for being so crap at this, for being so weak. Her reaction, of course, would be tsk, tsk, stop being so ridiculous. Which might not help anything at all.
Four days of laying in bed, on one side only, trying to drain goop and fluid past the excruciating pain of a punctured eardrum… it’s enough to sink me into a hopeless blackness, where I’m wasting my time, wasting everyone else’s time. I find myself, without a future to focus on, without daily hubris to keep me busy…. I find myself feeling bitter and angry, rolling past events around in my mouth like sour lollies until they coat my tongue in citric acid that I can’t spit out.
Being in a dark place is never nice. I want to shake it off, to emerge from it.
But, of course, the pain is too intense for any kind of sudden movement. I’m too irritated, too uncomfortable, to do much right now except wallow.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
It is normal (unfortunately) for your immune system to be down, given all you’ve been through. But you may be able to build it up again. I was suffering from Adrenal Fatigue and took a “recipe” of vitamins and minerals for some time and felt better… had to keep taking them for a long time, but now am down to just a multivitamin, St John’ Wort, and Fish oil & Glucosamine for the arthritis that sprouted in a single foot.
Email me if you would like my recipe
Hey Lori
You know, I had a conversation with my mum when I was about 25 years old which really shocked me – my parents split when I was about 7, and mum raised us on her own with little to no financial assistance from my father. She confessed to me the guilt she had carried for over 15 years about being such a terrible parent. How there were winters the gas was cut off so we had no heating, about not being able to give us the gifts we wanted for birthdays or Christmas, about not being able to afford to feed us anything other than chow mein or spaghetti for weeks at a time, about not being able to enrol us in fun holiday programs….. Do you know what I remember though? I remember how much I loved the 3 of us snuggling up together on the couch underneath a spare doona to watch tv and being warm and cuddling my family. I remember never being hungry, or going without. I remember we used to get to stay home from school on our birthday and eat ice cream for breakfast if we wanted to. I remember spending the holidays on my grandparents farm exploring the old barn and making cubby’s out of old potato crates and trying to tame feral kittens. And when I realise my mum gave me these wonderful memories at a time when her heart was breaking and she was struggling with the depths of depression herself, all it does is absolutely astound me. I don’t remember being poor and struggling financially, I never realised that my mum was falling apart, though in hindsight the signs were certainly there, I don’t remember ever feeling unloved or unimportant – and these are the things your kids are going to remember too. One day, when they are older, there is unfortunately a good chance they will have some kind of experience with losing someone they love, and they are going to look back on this time and be astounded that you still managed to give them such an amazing childhood despite your own pain. They will be proud of you for being such an incredible person, and they will look at you same way you and I look to our own mum’s and are incredulous at their strength, kindness, composure and ability. I promise you this xxx
What she said!! Lisa, you put that so beautifully, and it’s so true that what we remember from our childhood is rarely the things that our mums were stressed about. Lori, I hope your ear gets better soon, sorry that you’ve had probably not the best Easter
I think we all need to give ourselves time to wallow occasionally. Let’s just call it reflection?
Ouch! Been there, did this, do not want the t-shirt or the opportunity to detour via this route ever again. Good luck healing, be careful and trust anything that makes you think you should stop or slow down. Weirdly, peppermint tea is aiding my recovery and fighting off future baddies better than the Lemsip was; hope that helps. Hope your Mum is doing well too and shoehorning a relaxing bath in now and then
Brilliant Mums of the world (including mine), I salute you! x
Ouch! Been there, did this, do not want the t-shirt or the opportunity to detour via this route ever again. Good luck healing, be careful and trust anything that makes you think you should stop or slow down. Weirdly, peppermint tea is aiding my recovery and fighting off future baddies better than the Lemsip was; hope that helps. Hope your Mum is doing well too and shoehorning a relaxing bath in now and then. Brilliant Mums of the world (including mine), I salute you! x
Hey beautiful. Keep blogging. You don’t have to do it every day – you don’t have to explain anything to anyone. You don’t have to give every ounce of you every time.
But keep doing it because it’s yours, you built it, you made it, you wrote it. And that has just got to mean something.
Cannot wait to hear about your trip away … cannot wait to read your first post from over in Borneo because can you IMAGINE??!!! So cool. SO COOL. Enid Blyton, remember?
XXXX eden
PS One day you’re going to live in Melbourne. And it will be seriously fucking cool. One day you’ll look back at the trajectory of your life and little bits and pieces of meaning and recognition will pop in, “Ooohhh, if that didn’t happen I wouldn’t have gone there and done that and met that person which led to that.”
I promise, Lori. And I rarely make promises because I’m so jaded at the world I cannot tell you. Still have to live in the fucker xxx
Just wallow if that’s what is going to make you feel better. Don’t feel like you should be this or that. You just need to get better. Relax into it. Fighting it is just going to make it harder.
I’ve been going through a rough patch myself lately, and I’ve been really surprised at just how many people have just been there for me. I feel like a burden and like an awful person and like I just want to flop into the floor and not get up, but people are… happy even… to help me. I’m all humbled and shit. Let people help you.
Take care of yourself. Let others take care of you. I’m thinking of you and sending you awesome vibes.
xx