OK. Just to put everyone’s mind at ease- I have a network of awesome people supporting me, right now. It’s not enough- is it ever, in this situation, when I’m so anxious and need people so badly? I could have a thousand people who love me around, and I’d still be the loneliest I’ve ever been in my life.
But I have practical support, people who are holding me up. People I will always be grateful to. People who are making this easier.
And I am under the care of a psychiatrist (Liz, I love you). I have a mental health support team. Soon, hopefully very soon, I’ll have intensive bereavement support for myself and specialised care for my children, and clinical trauma care for myself.
OK? OK. Awesome.
Thing two- there’s a massive scope, a huge difference, especially in me, right now, between the rational and the emotional. Rationally, I know that Tony loved me. Rationally, I fucking know that there is nothing I could have done to prevent this, that if this didn’t happen things could be much worse right now.
I know, all those things and more. All the things I’m supposed to know, rationally, I know.
But it doesn’t fucking help. Not really. Not now.
Not when I have people, people who knew him, telling me how much he loved me. How he loved me like there was no one else in the entire world, the entire universe. Apparently, I was his everything.
It doesn’t help. It pulls me, digs at me. Because all I can remember is him, spitting in my face and calling me a slut. Telling me that everything was my fault, all of it, that I was the reason behind everything wrong in his life. That I was a bad mother, a bad wife.
Six months, of that.
And, days before he died- the root of the problem- that he wanted someone perfect. That I cooked, I cleaned, I fucking did his god damn ironing, for pity’s sake. I was a devoted mother to my children. I was smart, funny, beautiful, a bloody good handbag when he needed to impress. I was honest and trustworthy and didn’t spend too much of his money. I put up with him, with his shit, how often did he say that?
As perfect as I could possibly be. But still not enough. Not good enough. Not perfect enough. Because I smoke, I scream, I can be selfish and lazy.
Because, I think, I’m sure- there was something ugly about me, something fundamentally ugly and wrong and distateful about me, that makes people turn away.
I thought that, for years. From the ages of about fifteen to twenty four, I had that feeling. That no matter how perfect I was. there was something Wrong with me. Not something anyone could see as such, or articulate. But it was There, and it made people turn away. Made people not love me,not want to be near me. Made be chronically, compulsively Unlovable.
I’d forgotten, how it felt to feel like that.
I remember now. As time passes, events, emotions,the way Tony was, it all slides into perspective, slowly, and I get a better understanding of what went on here, what is going on here.
And my mind keeps coming back to that, logically. I know, somewhere deep inside that it’s irrational, but it seems so logical.
I had a part in killing my husband. If there wasn’t that something fundamentally Wrong with me, this wouldn’t have happened.
Something Wrong. Something bad. In my life Before, Before all of This, Before Tony, Before my Perfect Purple Life even existed, people knew, without really knowing, that the something Wrong was there.
It was almost like they could smell it.
And now, again. Tony, the person closest to me, he saw it properly. My imperfection. My something Wrong.
And he took steps to make sure everyone else could see it, too.
And know they can.
To show, everyone, what a terrible person I am.
Mission accomplished.
Everyone can see it now.
I’m stigmatised, stained, for the rest of my life.
The woman who’s husband hung himself, in front of her.
I’ll never be ashamed of it, as such, and I’ll never keep it quiet. Mental illness is a bitch of a thing, and needs to be talked about.
But emotionally, deep down, this happened because there of me. Because I am Not Perfect Enough. Not good enough.
Because there is Something Wrong with me.
And now, everyone knows it too.
And- this I’m ashamed of, and why am I putting it out here, where everyone can see it?
Because I don’t care. Because it might be pathetic, and wrong, and make me an even worse person than I am already.
But it’s my truth, and this it where it is spoken.
I want someone else.
Not a life partner, and certainly not a replacement, a father figure for my children.
But I want someone for me. A man, for me. Someone for me.
To hold me, while I cry. To make me smile, make tingle and look forward to later that day, which ever day that may be. To tell me I’m beautiful, I’m wonderful, that I’m amazing, that none of this is my fault. That I’m beautiful, that I’m awesome, that’s it’s OK to be small and weak and fragile for a little while because they will hold me up, and love me, and take me away from the world and all it’s ugliness, just for a little bit.
And I know, that’s so stupid, and selfish, and probably disrespectful, and no one will understand, but that’s OK.
And rationally, I know, that if I did actually get that, what I think I want, it would break me, and I couldn’t do it, and I turn away from whoever it was that was not Tony, because I all I really want is him back.
But this is my truth, and that’s how I feel.
Maybe it makes the Tony I didn’t know more correct, than incorrect (slut).
But I want. I want someone to erase, by loving me, just for a bit, all the horrible things my husband said to me in the last half hour, in the last six months. To make me feel like I’m worth something again. That one day, in the future, when I’m not so broken and ugly and traumatised and grieving and fucked up, someone might love me again. Maybe.
Just a tiny little bit.
I dreamt, last night, about my husband, my Tony. Lieing on his chest, kissing his neck, his stubble, the salt of his skin, the taste of him, the smell of him, deep and manly and so divine and I miss it so, so much. And I layed on him, enjoyed just being with him. Stroked his face.
“Careful, darl. I have rope burn on my neck.”
I wonder why I didn’t wake up screaming.
Edit- I just wanted to say, to make sure you all know, no one anyone has said online- apart from that dick on FormSpring- has made me more upset, or hurt me. Every comment, everything- it helps. Thank you.
{ 127 comments… read them below or add one }
I am not sure what to say – I don't know you.
But I guess what I want to say is, please don't let Tony's actions define you as a person. You helped him as much as you could, and his actions don't take away from the wonderful person you are.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5lPW4jRlJ0
Your dream about him with you, I think this is the sign that everything is OK. Not that it's OK, but I hope you know what I mean. After my Mom died, I dreamed about her coming up the stairs at my house. I was looking at her and she said, "what?" I asked what she was doing here. She gave me a funny look and I told her, "you died." I believe this has helped me in dealing with her death and like I've got something to hold on to now that she's not here. I still dream about her (on occasion). It's current times and I'm so excited to see her and show her my family, my kids and how much they've grown. I'm usually yelling for someone to bring a camera so that I can get a picture of her with my kids.
I know you are taking your baby steps forwards (and a few backwards). I'm thinking about you (though we've never met) and am sending lots of hugs your way everyday.
I. GET. EVERYTHING. you said in that post — it is like you bared my soul. And I will tell you that 8 years after the fact I still blame myself (although a less and less) and my person did not succeed, the police got there in time, but I still carry every insult and hurtful word around as my truth. However, reading your posts I know with out any doubt you are not to blame for Tony's death, his actions were his alone. I also know how hard it is to reconcile that with the guilt. I wish I could make it better, but I know I cant, so just know I am grieving for you from all the way across the world.
Oh Lori, your vulnerability is truly incredible.
I really don't know how to respond other than to encourage you to believe in your rational side, not the emotions which can be so easily battered by someone who is not well.
You are NOT to blame xxxxx
http://www.momentsofwhimsy.com
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I just wanted to point out that the man you think you probably want is really a pining for Tony, for the way he used to make you feel, before it all went bad. And that man will always be there for you, so long as you remember him that way. Again, I'm so sorry. And thank-you for sharing.
your honesty is inspiring.
I want so much for you to have that man. it's ok to think and feel what you're thinking and feeling.
i still have you in my thoughts, and i truly hope that you start to heal.
please please please – there is nothing wrong with you.
xo
Lori, like all these amazing people here, I would love to have the words of comfort that could make all the difference to you, to have words that would surround you and heal you. I am striving in myself to do this.
And in speaking of striving, this is the crux of what I wanted to say. We all strive for love – and as I see it, your striving for love has brought you this: so many people wanting to show you how much they love you an care about you. So striving for love is everything.
But please let me tell you from my own experience that striving for perfection is not the same thing, and I don't need to tell you that it is fraught. Perfection and love cannot walk hand in hand, because to love is to be an emotional, heartfelt being, and as emotional beings we simply cannot be perfect.
Keep striving for love. Keep letting your light shine that has drawn so much love to you. Know that the irrational and illogical will be something you always have to contend with because you do LOVE. Let this be the guide through all the fuckedupness and trauma and abuse that you've got to contend with. Not the notion of perfection.
Hold it in your heart as much as you can, even at the same time as your heart is sending its messages of grief and hurt and loss to your head in its irrational, emotional way (its only way)to tell you how much it's bleeding right now. Listen to it, heal it, but REMEMBER. You are loved – have always been loved – and you are Lori.
I wish I had a less clumsy, clunky way to show you like everyone else how much I care, and that I equally appreciate that my words and feelings are simply a drop in an ocean of words and feelings.
Much love to you.
Oh sweetie, I wish I could hug or help you. I can't begin to know what you are going through right now. However, I identified with a lot of your blog. And I know what it's like to feel that I'm not good enough. That there is something – a lot in fact – wrong with me. That I was a bad wife, a bad mother, not thin enough, not obedient enough. The list goes on. I lived that until I finally believed it. I became a shell of a person, who couldn't even see the situation I was in. Who didn't know who I was. Who at 42, had to start all over again. Feeling like a failure. It's taken me over a year, but I'm learning to like, even love myself. There is nothing wrong with me. There is a lot right with me. I'm not perfect, but that's okay, none of us are. I'm learning who I am again … and I'm the same but different, but better. I can't wait until you get to that stage too, because by your words and actions you have shown you are one hell of a woman and mum, and that you were an amazing wife. xo
Ms Lori, wake up now please. You are beautiful, intelligent, bright and compassionate. Look at your babies. They are a reflection of everything wonderful from both of you. Words said in a fury aren't what is really being said. He was lost, and was spewing hurt and fear. Keep kissing those babies and try dreaming of Brad Pitt sometime. Love is yours already and it will find its way back to you. Keep writing. You are awesome!
This is fantastic that you know yourself this well, and can say that you want someone. It's very healthy, not at all irrational, to plan for what you want and to want to be in a relationship with someone is perfectly alright. I'm impressed that you can say this, it shows a very good level of self awareness and healing. And when you find someone it's also just fine for you to take things at the pace you want to, and if you find things are weird take a step back. You'll be ready when you're ready, and don't let anyone's openion of what's normal, not even your own, tell you that what you're feeling isn't valid. You are the only person who can be you, and your feelings are YOURS to feel and express in the way that's best for you.
I wrote something better and more supportive first and it failed to post, but I still wanted to be supportive. It just didn't come out as well the second time. Sorry.
I suppose there are perfect people in the world, or at least people with only good inside, but I don't know them. It certainly isn't me. I have ugly bits that turn people away. I've tried to change but that made matters worse. Maybe people were disgusted by watching me try to hide something they could so plainly see.
Like you, I have a husband who loves me anyway. Lately, he has been under a lot of pressure and he's not dealing with it as well as he always has. I suppose stress is cumulative. He's been taking things out on me – he's never done that in 14 years. It's bad, but not horrible. No talk of divorce or God forbid suicide.
Nonetheless, I want to thank you for sharing your story. It's made me think. It's made me conscious that he is holding too much in. It's made me think of new ways to try to help. I don't want it to get worse.
I had a childhood friend who committed suicide, and I've always said suicide is the most selfish thing anyone can do. Because of your story I've thought about how I would feel if my husband committed suicide. I would be furious. Absolutely furious with him. Nobody deserves to suffer through that – whether they have ugly parts or not. YOU DON'T DESERVE IT.
You have every right to write about this horrible experience, and I do think you will help someone – somewhere. Watching how you are handling it shows that whether you have ugly parts or not, you are beautiful. Even when you are angry. You deserve to be. Even when you are sad. You deserve to be. Even when you are confused. You deserve to be. But you don't deserve to be put through THIS.
And you're beautiful, even in the midst of all this ugliness. Stay true to your self and don't care about what others think. They will shake the strong foundation that is YOU and you need that foundation to recover. Stay strong, stay true to yourself and you will stay beautiful.
Lori, I have been there…not through the suicide but through the rants and raves and being told how BAD I was, how useless, how he could love me…BUT…he could love me IF…why can't I do, this or that….
I probably avoided the total melt down and perhaps the same ending you had by up and leaving, taking our 6 kids with me….my youngest was 17mths old….
My very deep and astute 13 yr old said at the time "How come when dad is yelling at you he sounds like he is describing himself"
That is what I heard when I read your post… a very sick and sad man, taking out HIS frustrations and problems on YOU…describing HIMSELF, NOT you!!!!
14 yrs on, I am about to put my 5th child through uni and am at uni myself. There is a life after this trauma, but please see it as his illness, not your failing!!!!
I have stayed single by choice…although truly I have not ever looked…but can so relate to the wanting to be loved and held and believed in and even worshipped!!!! But on the other hand I LOVE my independence.
I so want to give you the strength to get through this but I do feel you have that.
I want to give you joy in living but I think you are finding that again already.
I want to give you peace and the knowledge that this was HIS problem and that you did all you could – I hope you are getting there.
My prayers and cyber love are with you.
I have tears … falling for me, and falling for you. my heart hurts from recognition of everything you have said, and are feeling, and have articulated so well, so bravely, so rawly honest.
I wish I could reach through my screen and hold you tight.
xxxx
Lori, when a good friend of mine's husband died she said a similar thing about wanting to be held by someone strong and masculine. I think it's only natural to want someone that can hold you and protect you in these difficult days.
Ely xxx
None of this is rationally true – you know that, even when you are choosing to ingore it i can still see perspective in your writing. Strength even at your lowest. But it is real – for you – you are living it, processing it, trying to work it all out. It is a fucked up, complicated situation and there will be many questions, many theories suggested, answers mooted. Nothing is wrong, nothing is off limits Lori. Keep talking to us.
M2Mx
Lori,
I haven't commented because I came just Before. I was almost riding the wave of love. I get what you are saying as well. About feeling Wrong. Please feel it, use it, accept thats how you feel, but know that one day you will realise you aren't Wrong. You never were.
As Janet from NZ said " And we are still here. Most of us have not met you – will never meet you. But, we are still here. Weeping for you. Praying for you. We're still here."
And she is right. We are still here.
Leanne xo
I get it. I feel it. You are describing how I feel about me.
So I won't say you are wonderful – even though you are – because I know you can't believe it.
I won't say there will be someone else because – even though there will be – you deserve it – you can't believe it.
I won't say all the wonderful things I know to be true from reading here, from your on line presence.
Because I know you can't believe it.
But I can tell you that you are not alone in believing in this fundamental wrongness of self, in having that driven home by people who are supposed to love you – who say they do anyway.
And maybe that might help, just a little bit.
I can but hope.
There's something wrong with every dang one of us, lovely. We all have our "garlicky parts" as my daughters counselor calls it – those parts that we can only take just a little bit of. Imperfection is normal, perfection isn't.
That doesn't make you a terrible person or responsible in any way for what your husband did.
He was putting his own insecurities on you, because he just couldn't bear them himself, like everyone has said.
You're not wrong to want someone else to hold you and tell you that – it's normal. But first tell it to yourself and believe it – or try to. In time you'll be able to.
I'm so glad you have a good support group and you're getting counseling and help. It doesn't surprise me, because you're easy to like, and to love, even from a distance.
You're an amazing, resilient, inspiring woman, who isn't perfect, but who is loved. Remember that, ok? Ok.
Love ya-
Lori, I dont know you but Im a mother and a wife and I know that its normal for us to feel we are "not good enough" for our partners in some way or another and I know that you are and were good enough and theres nothing you could of done better or worse for him. Mental illness is a terrible thing and it makes people someone they are not – I have witnessed it personally within my family and its just not who they really are. I know nothing we can say or do can stop the way you feel, but the best thing you are doing is, is letting it out, not bottling it up inside you are moving forward the best you can. Be strong for you and your children you are young and full of life dont give up now
(My email is antnjoob@hotmail.com)
I love this post, I love the absolute human-ness of it. We have all probably felt that way. I would have never been able to put it into words as eloquently as you have. It's that inner voice, that little something that whispers in our ear that tell us we aren't good enough, something is wrong with us, no one really loves us. I don't know where this comes from, or why. Even people with the most positive, lovely & uplifting childhoods have spoken about the feeling of inferiority in some way or another. Evidence of it is everywhere…people we would never expect do shocking, irrational things, in response to this feeling. I think the fact that you have been able to verbalize this so beautifully makes you very human and just an all-around fabulous person. I cannot imagine what you're going through but the honesty of your story is so compelling. I stumbled across this blog by accident a few days ago and I am transfixed. I have laughed & cried over your writings and that says something special about you. I think about you at random times during the day and I have spoken to a friend about you, as if I know you. I don't know if you've tried your hand at publishing a book but I cannot imagine anyone would turn it down. My thoughts, prayers, and best wishes go out for you.
Love, prayers and strength for you and your chidren. Keep writing – it is your way through this terrible, terrible time.
Every time I read what you write, my heart just hurts so much for you. I wish that someone could just fix this, instantly…that you'd just wake up tomorrow and your old life would be back, and that this would be the terrible nightmare.
You are so amazing. So strong. So beautiful. You are not alone in your feelings of self-doubt or of wanting someone to hold you & help you through your struggles. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for sharing. I hope you can feed off of some of my love & respect for you.
You are not wrong. The mental illness your husband suffered from was wrong. What he did to you and to himself was wrong.
Someday someone will hold you and I hope you let them because you deserve love and comfort like everyone else and your kids deserve to know that they can have love too because you showed them that you allowed yourself to have it again.
We're here listening and not judging, so keep getting it all out.
I hope you get over what it is that you're feeling right now. I hope that when you get over it, you know more than all of those "think"s that you are so much better than you appear to yourself right now.
Just leaving some love.
And wishing you well.
Dear Lori,
I hear you. I am here, and my heart is open to you.
XO
Pam
I don't know you and I don't remember how I found you blog, but I did and now I'm thinking of you each day. I don't have any words except to say I'm sending you hugs and hope you find a way though this time.
Lori, to be honest, I have had that feeling too. That when people see me, they turn away. That the checkout chick who was chatting so happily with the previous customer, turns to stony silence when she sees me. That the mothers at the playground will chat with my children volubly until I amble over then they turn away. That people look me in the eye then quicky avert their gaze. Sometimes I wonder if there is an evil about me which is not tangible but that people can sense even though I cannot think of anything truly evil I have done or have thought of doing. Perhaps it is true or perhaps it is simply a delusion which is brought on by depression but, whichever it is, it doesn't make what Tony did right. He could have simply walked away. He didn't have to take his own life to show the world anything. Noone is perfect.
He was very sick.
You are a beautiful and amazing woman xxxx
So much love to you Lori, Tony was unwell, this is not about some intrinsic flaw inside yourself that created his illness, he was sick. You're team will help you with this . You didn't do this to him. He didn't do this to himself. An illness that he may have had for a short time or a long time, gathered strength in the face of rising issues that for a well person would not have taken on the magnitude they obviously did for Tony. Tony's illness did this to Tony. Not Tony. And absolutely not you. Tell those irrational internal voices screaming in your ear to be quiet please, you've got a life to salvage here and it will take all the focus you can muster.
Darling girl – you have stripped yourself bare for all of us to see. And we are still here. Most of us have not met you – will never meet you. But, we are still here. Weeping for you. Praying for you. We're still here.
Don't you ever think it is wrong to want to be loved, adored, needed. Tony has been gone only a very short time physically but it sounds like mentally/emotionally he has not been there for you for a lot longer. The Tony you didn't know was wrong about everything. EVERYTHING. Try to remember your Tony, the one who loved you more than everything.
One day, when you are ready, someone will love you. You are worthy of love & you will find it one day when you are ready for it.
Lori, every one of us is imperfect and that is just the way it is supposed to be. However, there is nothing wrong with you and as you know Toni was ill and he did not mean the hurtful things he said or did.
I am pleased to hear you are being taken care of at a practical level and one day I pray you will have that special emotional support again.
Love to you, Mich x
I'm going to say something a little different I bet. Something that may go against what everyone else is saying. Simply put, I get it. I get that feeling about Something Wrong. Not knowing exactly what it is or why it's there but Knowing It's There and Everyone Else Does Too. I still feel it, it's better than it used to be 8 1/2 years ago, but it's still there burried inside. 8 1/2 years ago I met that man for me, just for me. I decided, after seperating for the final time with my now ex, that I wanted something different. I didn't want a father for my children, I didn't want a provider. I wanted a man to have fun with, to laugh with, to have great sex with and at the end of the day go to sleep content and alone. I found him. And he stayed. He became So Much More than I ever thought that I could have, that I deserved. I did my absolute best in shoving him away, but he's just as stubborn as I am. He knew I was hurt, beaten up inside. He saw past Me and saw ME. All of me. I know your tragedy is fresh and hurting so much right now. I have hope that some day, That Man will find you and he will see YOU, all of you, not just You. Prayers and blessings. as a side note, if you want to respond, my email is in my profile info for my blog.
Oh Lori, I so wish there was something I could do or say to make things right in your world but I know, short of being able to turn the clock back 12 months or even 1 month ago there isn't much any of us can do.
Mental illness is a bitch. You know the way the real Tony was, the man you fell in love with and you know that the way he was these last six months wasn't the real Tony. You can't block out that last half hour, the hurt and hatred he made you feel and sure as hell you can't block out his final moments, but somehow you need to hang on to memories of the way he was before all this. Remember the happy times and I guess be grateful that your kids are young enough that they are resilient in so many ways and their memories will fade to a degree. With the kids, keep reminding them of the happy times with Daddy.
As far as wanting someone else, I think I know what you mean. When I got divorced I needed someone else, it didn't matter to me that the divorce wasn't what I wanted but I just had this fear that I wasn't good enough, that there was something wrong and I needed to feel loved again. I hooked up with a guy that was wrong on so many levels but I loved him and then he left me and emotionally drained me in the process. I went onto meet another many who I ended up marrying. I truly believe that some people aren't made to be alone in life and like me, you may be one of those people. Just take it easy and take "baby steps".
Be kind to yourself, you are a wonderful person and there is nothing wrong with you. You have been through alot over the last 6 months or so and you need to find yourself, the real Lori again.
Love and Hugs
Colleen
Oh Lori, what you described, the feeling of something being Wrong with you, it's my biggest fear and you described it so well. I've spent the last 8 years waiting for my man to flick some switch and turn on me even though he's never given me any reason to believe he might.
I didn't know I wasn't the only one, and now I want you to know that you aren't either. I hear you.
Thank you for your bravery and your brutal honesty. I'm so sorry for all you're going through, I just wish I could make it better somehow.
*hugs*
That thing that you think makes you unlovable, is the very reason I love you, it is what I have always loved about you, the very reason we are friends. Please dont question it, dont lose it.
It's like pink sings… "raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways" and you dont want to argue with pink, she looks like she may very well punch us in the face.
xxLovexx
dearest lori, i had both my mother and my ex partner take their own lives and i dont think they could even begin to comprehend what they were leaving behind, they were so ill they could only see one way.. it must be so hard to think the way you do at the moment… just remember to never feel bad for asking for help, and take some you time to remember the time before he was sick. your children are the most beautiful thing in your life right now and will surprise you at how resiliant they are. take care in your thoughts and try not to dwell on the negative… but when you do.. its ok to scream and cry onto your pillow or a friends shoulder. its only normal and no one (including yourself) should expect you to move on or 'get over it'until you are ready.
sending many virtual hugs!
I can never claim to know where you're coming from. I have glimpses: I lost a son; my cousin, who we were very close to, hung herself at just 13. But I just wanted to tell you that you have support – whether here or in real life – you have it. Take it. There were some times I needed to be alone. There were some times I needed to cry, loud and ugly. There were sometimes when I needed someone there with me WHILE I cried. There were some times I just needed someone to say his name or to tell me a memory of him. There were some times when I needed people to talk about anything EXCEPT what happened. It's all okay. You need what you need: tell people, and ask for it. It's never wrong to say, "I need to be alone." Or, "Can you tell me a funny story about him?" Or anything in between. Huge, huge hugs.
You know you said at the top of the post that you know things rationally? Well i'm here to tell you that this whole " Wrong " thing is irrational. Seriously. I had the same idea in my head, from about the ages of 14 to 23, that no matter how hard i tried nobody would ever love me and i was destined to be alone forever. A wonderful psychologist and the love of my family helped me to see just how irrational that idea was.
I know you subconsciously need to hold onto the Wrong for a while, because it'll distract you from the truth and so help numb the pain – just know that in the end, you'll realise the Wrong doesnt exist…….
Thank God you are vocalizing these haunting thoughts so that eventually the dust will settle and you can look at them and know they are not you, not your true truth, not your real truth. They are thoughts that EVERYONE HAS and that anyone would harbor in the face of this tragedy. We all secretly think we are fucked up in some way or another. I don't think a person alive would be able to refrain from beating themselves up after this happens. And yet— IT WAS NOT YOU. He was sick. No one can MAKE someone kill himself. So what you were pissed at him? So what you felt like you hated him? So what so what so what – whatever the fuck you said or did. So what you did not take him seriously? Even had you taunted or dared him, called his bluff. Whatever you did was not enough to make him do this. KNOW THIS. People have these fights and survive. And people do not have these fights, do not turn on the ones they love, do not say hateful things to their wives, in front of their kids. This was a sick, angry man in a shitty, twisted moment where he got caught up and went too far. You are in the aftermath of a grade A trauma and this is normal and healthy for you to admit to yourself and to other that you have these feelings. Let it out. Let it go. Maybe, if anything, what stands out to me is why someone would have put up with this behavior generally–but you are saying this was totally new in the past 6 months? And that is so hard to imagine someone you love changing so rapidly and how anyone would adjust to that. You deserve peace, self-love, and love from somone else. OF COURSE you want that. I want that for you. I'd want that for me if I were you. Don't think of yourself as marred forever. Don't let his death be in vain. Save yourself that you could not save him. Live your true, authentic life as you do so boldly on these pages. Allow yourself to live your bliss. Recover. And find true love, someone to rock you through the dark times, not hurl rocks at you. And someone you can love as wholly as you can. Let time do it's job. You are clearly doing your part with opening your heart and letting everything out so that it doesn't cram up and clog your psychic arteries. You can work through this. You can find your way out. We support you as you crawl through this sewage to the light at the end of the tunnel. Bless you.
Bring it on, Lori. We can take it. And we'll stand behind you 100%.
Six months of living under that is heartbreaking. It's wretched that his pain is yours now.
We're all a bit Right and we're all a bit Wrong. And there's nothing Wrong or sluttish about wanting to turn away from all this – to feel loved, to laugh, to feel happy again.
When you eventually heal (and I know you will) I think it will be like a snake shedding it's skin…it will always be a part of you, but something you can hold up, see how fragile it was, how the light reflects off it, the pattern of the scales showing you a past life. Love, sadness, horror, healing and ultimately hope.
I think that's what you're saying in this post. That you hope. Hope that you're not alone, not fundamentally flawed (which you are not); that you hope to one day forgive Tony, and to find love again, and to love yourself.
Love from across the pond in Canada,
Tara
Everyone can post that you're amazing. And wonderful. And perfect. Even me. But nothing will get you to see it, but you. No words by anyone else. You ARE perfect just the way you are – perceived flaws included. Until you can see that perfect you, you will feel imperfect.
I struggle the same as you – I find so many flaws in myself as to be overwhelming at times. I have never had mine shown so publicly as you, nor so painfully. But those flaws don't make you less. They are just part of who you are and you are PERFECT.
Damn Tony for making you doubt yourself! He may have been wonderful, but I find what he did very selfish and mean. But I know you'll remember all the wonderful in him and realize, that despite his flaws, he, too, was perfect.
Once again, I'm sending you strength and much love. And I'm also sending you the ability to see yourself as perfect and wonderful and completely lovable and wonderful no matter what.
Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future – Phaedra, Real Housewives of Atlanta.
You do what you have to do to keep living for yourself and for your children. No one with a heart, or a brain, or a past should judge you for keeping it together the best that you can.
Lori, I agree with everyone else that all the things you are feeling right now are completely normal and appropriate considering what you are going through. Of course you are craving love and comfort and reassurance. Of course! You're human. And trauma of this level and the specific things that were said and that occurred have brought up your deepest, darkest fears and self-doubts. Though it feels awful, I think it's very positive that you are writing about them and that you have the strength to articulate them. That is amazing. That will help bring them into the light where they can be dealt with and healed.
I've had many of these same thoughts. I've wished for someone to come and help "rescue" me from my situation, to love me and protect me. In reality, I couldn't deal with a relationship right now, but that doesn't change the fact that I still have a deep need to feel loved and protected, just as you do.
Much, much love to you babe. I am here, thinking of you, holding you in my heart. xoxoxo
Reading this brings to mind this amazing video on YouTube that I've listened to 100s of times. I will listen to it forever. Be blessed, sister, as you come up out of the ashes and rise to become a great pillar of wisdom and strength. Rise!!! You're day of blessing is coming if you just look to God. All your answers are tied up in Him. Jesus. Look to Him. Find me any time. @dotJenna
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=akkKwSWdghQ
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*HUGS*
I admire your honesty and your strength.
Please listen to and trust your rational side, and be gentle with yourself when your emotional side gets overwhelming.
Thinking of you lots.
I'm sorry, I don't know, I didn't read all the comments so someone may already have said this…
We're all fundamentally flawed Lori! How can you not think and know that…no one is perfect. We all have base instincts and a darker side. Some are in denial, or perhaps hide it very well. We have all been at some time or other selfish, nasty, rude, lazy, narcissistic, jealous, envious…you name it. NO ONE IS PERFECT and those little imperfections, so I'm told, make us endearing and human to the other flawed human who loves us unconditionally.
I often feel ugly inside….
This feeling might never pass. And it might serve to keep us humble, I don't know.
Keep it up, it's cathartic to write.
Hugs xo
So many people have said it, and just in case each comment adds weight to the truth,
Lori you are gorgeous,sassy, funny and imperfect.
When we fall in love it is generally imperfections that grab us. There is nothing wrong with imperfection. Its what makes us..us
Wishing for that magical, erase the pain hug person…normal..Hell, I wish I could send someone to you who's hugs would make it feel better, someone with magical erasing hugs. Of course you want that, that is so understandable and NORMAL, not wrong at all, even if the rest of this hell you are living defies any kind of understanding from those of us who send you love.
Keep on beautiful girl.
Lean…there are so many hands together waiting to catch if you need to fall. Lean as hard as you need.
What you said about how you felt when you were younger is exactly like I felt, for many years. Unlovable, not noticed or cared about. All of my friends were noticed, but not me. It took a long time and meds, etc to get past that. Now I know that I am worth something, I matter too. And so do you. Dont allow those old hurtful things to enter your life now. The things Tony said to you before he died, thats how he felt about himself, NOT YOU. He was describing the exact way he felt about himself, worthless. But he decided to turn it on you rather than own up to his shit. You will find someone and you deserve to. But work on you for now. You are as awesome as everyone says you are. Lisa
I know. You're not alone, not at all, for having those words inside your head. And wanting someone to hold you and tell you the opposite is only normal and natural, and is in NO WAY a betrayal of what you had with Tony, when he was not ill and so so broken.
Remember that. I think he was projecting his brokenness on you: he couldn't deal with what was inside him, so he put that on you. Remember that. Those words were really about him–he wasn't perfect, he was broken, and he could not deal with that pain.
Lori..
the feelings you describe are now sounding very close to how i once felt and still feel – sometimes – today. my story is not the same but it was very extreme too.(i would tell you in private, maybe in the future, so you understand why i feel i can relate) I don't talk about it in public. you need to look at the one 'thing' that NOTHING can change and that is the life of your children. They need you and you will see through them, through their life, your own life, your emotions will begin to make sense to you.
my son saved my life, no less.
you have a big heart and a big brain in constant conflict now, but if you focus on a day to day life, for them, you will get a NEW life.
you will be happy again, you can and you are perfectly allowed to, don't ever forget that.
there will always be a shade over your soul, and i have read a while back about your black dog, now you will most probably fight PTSD, and of course. but get the help you need and LOOK at your children. Their sole existence, their livelihood will give you the strength you need.
Even if sometimes, to somethings, there is NO answers.
Take care x
I am going to come out of lurking mode and let you know that you have lots and lots of hugs and my heart goes out to you during this time. Feel what you feel…and know that as much as you feel this way now, it will feel totally different VERY soon. Very proud of you for reaching out for the help you need for you and your family.
Keep writing.
Think about a year from now…then think about five years from now…it seems impossible, but just wait till you get there! XOXO
Emma@bluechiptiming.com.au No, no, no and no. There is nothing wrong with you. We all falter sometimes in our belief of our own selves. And sometimes you can let the closest people to you in the world convince you that you are bad & evil & crazy. But what you need to realise is that when they say such things, they are mad at themselves, angry, insecure, retaliating in a battle and maybe even are very very ill. Lori, you are beautiful. We are all screaming, irrational banshees at times. Marriage & motherhood does that to you. You are normal. Beautiful, smart & wise. This is just a really really shit time in your life. Lots of love & hugs, Emma xxx
It's so easy to believe the bad stuff when you hear so often from someone who is so intimate in your life, but it doesn't make the accuser right. If you cannot trust in your own self-esteem just now, believe in the high regard of those who have known you for many years and those of us following you now.
One more thing – a relationship may be about being a couple and sharing things, but it does not mean we cease to be individuals. As such we make independent decisions and carry out independent actions. It's never easy, especially when the actions return a bad outcome.
Still sending you wishes for peace.
My heart is breaking for you. You put into words what everyone else is afraid to voice. So raw, and yet your spirit has not been destroyed. You will come out of this; you were and are and will be a great mom to your fragile children. There are many people you don't know praying for you, thinking of you.
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
Hugs,
Beth
I think the same things about myself everyday.With a failed marriage and a failed long term relationship behind me.I had value in myself because I thought that being loved and accepted by someone gave me the confidence to have self worth.But when they were gone so was the confidence I had and now I am back to square one battling with the black dog that tells me all the horrible things about myself that I have chosen to believe.The logical part of me knows I am doing it to myself but the black dog wants to punish me for not being good enough.It's a constant battle.Just know Lori that you are amazing and i have always read your blog to put a smile on my face and make me laugh out loud in my lonely times.Now I am just so heartbroken for you and I wish I could give you the cuddle that you need.The one that makes all the bad shit go away.
Lori,
I am sorry to say that for the first time in this whole ugly fucked up part of your life, I can say that I know how you feel.
I feel 'wrong'. That people can sense my wrongness and automatically hate me for it. It takes them a little bit longer to sense it online but it always ends up that way.
For me at least, its that deep desire to be accepted by everyone. It will never happen so I always fall short of this goal and that re-enforces it with me that I am wrong.
No, its not rational, its not logical and I can clearly see right through it. But god damn do I feel it.
You were right to The Man. His psychosis is no reflection on you. I know me saying it won't change how you feel, but I just want to be that extra voice in the wilderness that re-enforces that he loved you to absolute bits. That what he said, and what he did… that wasn't The Man. You lost your husband 6 months ago. Its just so permanent now, and the grief is so very ugly and real.
lots of love to you.
still reading, still praying.
it hurts me just to read it, and yet i know i have to read it.
no point telling you why, except to say i'm sorry, and thank you.
I am stunned but very much a believer in you doing WHATEVER it takes.
do know – this is not your fault. At all.
My husband suffers from bipolar disorder. I have heard that everything is my fault, that life sucks, that he cant imagine going on in this life… I have held him back from the brink of suicide and I have run home from work pannic stricken because he has not answered the phone.
Your STRONG and loving and traumatized…of course you are…. but please understand EVERYONE has thins wrong with them… EVERYONE…and Tony wasn't mad at you… he was mad at him and he was taking it out on you… because we always take it out on the one we love the most…the one we are closest too….
I know it wont help now….but you are NOT alone…. ever..
Julia
You are so amazing, your writing is so much help to those who have been through trauma like this. Those who have lost someone close through suicide or lost a spouse through these or other circumstances. You are so brave posting insightful, raw, uncensored posts and letting your feelings out.
I cannot tell you how many tears I've shed for you, how many prayers I've said for you, or how grateful I am that you have the courage to do what you are doing. Getting through each day, telling us what you are thinking and feeling. It is of so much help to me and countless others.
You are a true legend. Huge hugs and much love xxxxxx
no, no, NO. There is Nothing- NOTHING- wrong with you. We are all imperfect humans…Every last one of us. But wrong? No. Not at all. You are not to blame.
Oh lady, I wish that I could say something to have you believe that there is nothing wrong with you. I know I can say it, but you won't hear it right now :-/ There is no perfect person and no one has something wrong with them. Hugs
Lori, I'm new here. I feel a bit guilty, coming into your journey at this point. I came on the wave of people's love for you.
You can't write like you write and it not be the 'real' you shining through. There's not alot Wrong there…. you are amazing.
What's happened is really really shit. I hope that one day in the future you will mostly remember all the very special things Tony said to you. Mental health stuff is a bitch.
Bless ya love.
I'm so glad to hear that you've got a strong support network
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you and as other people have said, Tony had a choice. And it had nothing to do with you. I feel like I'm always repeating myself but you are wonderful and amazing and you are not wrong. And as for perfect – pffft, who want's that? Too difficult to achieve and too bloody hard to maintain (unless you're Martha Stewart, and even she's gone to prison!!). No one is perfect and that's what makes the world so wonderful and varied – just like you. x
Nope, no wrong here. Just you, beautiful and strong and worthy. You will find it one day….I can't wait to meet you and wrap my arms around you….xox
Sending lots of love chicky babe x
There isn't a lot about what you're going through that is rational. I think I'd be more worried about you if you were nothing but rational.
You sound like you have a good team of people around you helping to take each day as it comes. That's the only way you can do it.
Sending you lots of love.
One day at a time. Its all you can do.
No one is perfect! If you strive to be, you will kill yourself trying. Be the best YOU can be and that should be enough.
Learning to love yourself, even like yourself takes time.
One day at a time.
I agree with what Hear Mum Roar has said and everyone else that says you are not perfect but no one is! You deserve to be (and will be) loved for who you are – not a perfect idea of you! You are not Wrong – he was wrong for not seeking help when he so obviously needed it.
Much love and hugs
I felt compelled to say this: Men treat women like crap every day and don't kill themselves. so how can it be your fault, because this is a special circumstance? No honey. He had a choice. It was his choice alone.
However, I understand. The blame game. You will play it out in your head over and over because it doesn't make sense.
Happy to hear of your support network. =)
P.S nothing wrong with being a slut every now and then. its just another word for free spirited. =)
Lori, Lori, Lori. I come and read and I leave my comments but they're always the same, always saying that I do not know what to say. I feel like I am sitting here, staring at you blankly and shrugging. I want to say something of more substance, I want to enclose you in warm, loving words. How I wish I could. But, I don't know what to say other than what I have said before. You are amazing and strong. Beautiful and wonderful.
You are not wrong. You are an amazingly honest human being. None of the feelings your having are wrong except the one about you being unlovable…nobody is unloveable. Your words touch me in a way like none before have. Take care of yourself dear.
I often have to remember to breathe when reading your blogs. How gut-wrenchingly sad to have these as your last memories of your time with Tony. All of these feelings, the guilt, the anger, the fear, the anxiety, the fight between the rational and emotional are part of the grieving process. We each go through the grief journey in our own unique way. It's a hellish process – one I wouldn't wish on anyone. You're doing really well Lori, one day you will truly know (both rationally and emotionally) that you not "wrong" or terrible but a beautiful,loveworthy, perfect human being.
Good on you for getting the help that you have. You will find someone else one day, just take it one step at a time. xx
Oh Lori, if this has been going on for 6 months and it's all you've been hearing, of course you will believe it! Also, none of us are perfect, and we all have people we rub the wrong way, who turn away from us. There's not one person among us who is everyone's cup of tea, you know what I mean? That's not having something wrong with you ((HUG))
As much as you loved him before all the bad stuff happened, it's important to remember that you were being abused, hearing abuse for such a long time, it's so natural that you would believe his lies.
Just like you are a good person with flaws, so was Tony. But his demons took over, and clearly something snapped within him that was out of the ordinary.
You are doing so well and being so brave to face up to your feelings. Do you know how much damage it does to hide from all this heartache?
I think all the love you have on your blog shows that there are many people you aren't turning away from you. You are lovable, beautiful, and perfect to all of us. Not to everyone of course, no one is.
You have every right to be loved again. For now, that will be your family, friends and us. If you want another man for yourself one day, there is absolutely nothing at all slutty about that. Everyone deserves to be loved.
You really just have had so many horrible experiences over such a short period of time. Abuse, trauma, grief, feelings of being overwhelmed with more responsibility. It's going to take time to feel all that, make sense of it, to slowly heal (although of course, it'll never go away completely, but shape who you are).
I'm so happy in all of this mess that you all are getting the help and support you need. I wish we could get every single person in this world who is there for you, loves you, supports you to physically stand in front of you all at once, to take away the pain of your loneliness.
As terrible as what Tony did to you is, he didn't achieve what he said he would: to show the world how terrible you are. There's too many of us who don't see it. When this tragedy happened, and after you've shared your pain, the idea that you're terrible is the furthest thing from any of our minds. Honestly.
Often if people are not quite right mentally, and aren't prepared to seek (and even if they are), the first thing that happens is they point the finger at the people closest to them. Everything is their fault, all of a sudden. It can be all too easy to project their pain onto others, rather than to look inside themselves for the core of the problem.
There's no need for perfection. We all deserve love without having to strive for the impossible.
As much as the pain is unbearable, it's the healthiest thing for you to do, to feel it. If you don't feel it, it just sits there, festering, and doesn't go away. You're doing everything you need to be doing. Nothing you'll do right now will feel enough, nor anything we can say.
Just know, that no matter what, none of us are giving up on you. We're all here for you in whatever way we can be. You are a GOOD person, and you are WORTHY of all the good things that life has to offer.
Much love ((HUG))
Not wrong at all – totally understandable. I just hope that you find that person who loves you, appreciates you, thinks that you're beautiful and worthy – and I hope that that person is YOU!
I'm no expert but it's taken me until now (40 – Jesus!) to realise that everybody is fucked up in some way – the world is full of neuroses, self-hatred and skeletons in cupboards. Wrongness. Even the most seemingly perfect people are raving nutters when you scratch the surface.
I hope that you find that all of your "wrongness" is actually just being a human being and a pretty damn special one, as far as I can gather. I hope you find a lovely man – but I hope you discover first that you're ok; worthy of love. You sound amazing, Lori – keep on trucking, lady xx
lori – there is no Wrong here – you are entitled to feel any feeling you have…looks like writing it in your blog is helping, a type of therapy…
your naturally craving what you lost – love – it's what all people want at any time of grief. please don't blame yourself for this. all those horrible things Tony said, he said because he needed to push you away first…that's all – when people are desperate we hurt the people we love the most. Hang in their Lori – you have so much support here in blogland xx
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Oh Lori a piece of me just broke for you. I know that feeling, the feeling that denies rationality that logically you can explain away but that tiny little piece of your soul that remains jagged and ugly. Those six months were an aberation, a glitch in the fabric of your life. THEY WSERE NOT TRUTH – your truth is in your beauty – your soul. Go softly ((hugs))
There is an old saying that neurotics make themselves miserable and the personality disordered make others miserable. Well if that is the case, I think depression should be reclassified as a personality disorder, because it can make the people who love you pretty fucking miserable. I know, I spent over twenty years of my life wondering what was so wrong with me, why I was such a monster, that my own mother didn't love me. And if you asked my mother, she would probably tell you that she did love me. That is what depression does – it poisons the soul of the sufferer to the point that even the air they breathe is poisoned, full of toxic pain, and highly infectious self-hatred. Anyone close to them is in serious danger for their own self-worth and mental health.
Not that that makes it any easier for you. Everything you say makes so much sense, is exactly how I would feel in your shoes. But you're a better woman than I am – because you can forgive him. And I'm sorry but I can't. I never met the man, he never did a thing to me but I cannot forgive him for leaving you this way. For doing this to you and the kids. And most of all I can't forgive him for the evil, evil things he said to you. Even though I know on some level he was sick and it was not his fault, he has to take responsibility for it. He is NOT ALLOWED to leave you that responsibility along with all the other shit you now have to deal with. He can take it with him. To my mind some things are unforgivable, and this is most of them. If I were you I would never forgive him, if it poisoned my soul to my dying day. So my lovely girl, my beautiful, clever, funny, witty, spunky, smart, strong friend, you're a better woman than I will ever be.
Love always xoxox
Lori, I didn't know you Before (other than enjoying your Twitter stream), and I really don't know what to say now, other than you are an amazing woman, and there is nothing Wrong with you. One look at all the comments and love you have poured to you on each and every post shows just how much is Right with you. You deserve the very best, just as you deserve the right to express whatever you are feeling.
Oh honey,
I could tell you how fabulous I think you are but I know it won't make a difference to the voices of doubt. The irrational voices.
As for wanting someone new … that's not uncommon in new widows …. I know part of me just wants to be happily married again Right Now… but my head, my rational self, knows that this is just not possible for a long while yet because I'm still in love with a dead man.
…and there it is … the voice of the 'rational self'.
Trust it.
You deserve to be happy, and loved and valued. You are perfectly imperfect.
and you are loved.
Bollocks to right & wrong Lori, to being perfect, to yesterday & tomorrow. I don't know a single person who's perfect & I imagine they'd be boring as hell if they did exist. Just deal with this minute, the one right here. Then deal with the next one, then the next one. Do what you need to get through & you WILL emerge the other end. Different, sure. Sadder, sure. But you'll emerge.
No-one who has even the tiniest bit of empathy would judge you for wanting to be held, for wanting arms to hold you. It's instinct & instinct is what gets us through.
Also, tell us who the Formspring dick is. So we can track him down & do heinous things to him, involving a sharpened teaspoon, seven leeches & 3.2kg of chilli powder.
Constant love,
Sophie xxx
You are not wrong Lori. Everyone deserves to be loved and if you are speaking out, you are making yourself closer to that moment of worthiness. Hold on. Please hold on. You are not in the wrong. We are here to listen to you.
The most automatic reaction to trauma and grief is to be loved. That is what you are craving. As you have every right to.
Oh hunny it ISN'T your fault. I understand your mindset, but it truely isn't, just like you beingdepressed isn't his fault or your kids fault, sometimes these are just things within people and they're always struggling to keep control of it. His control just slipped, slipped so badly that for months he sunk lower and lower until he lost all control.
I have absolute confidence you will find another love, and it's ok if it isn't Tony. It will be a new part for you and your heart is big enough to hold love for them both.
It hurts to see that you think that of yourself. You know Tony had his problems Before you met him, babe. Sometimes people look for explanations to explain what feels so wrong inside them, because they feel so horrible and discontent, they look for something, or someone, to blame it on, to explain it, unfortunately that was you. It does not make you what he thought you were, and he knew that too, in his deepest moments. Someone once told me if my significant other hadn't died he would have hurt others, I fear that could have been you or your babies, and I know you knew it too. I'm sorry you are hurrting, and sorry that he was hurting too. Much love, thinking of you all x x x carol
Oh Lori. You are beautiful my dearest. You are.xxxxxxxxx
I think there are some people who inside are just broken and no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you WANT to fix them, you can't, you won't be able to. This doesn't make them any less of a person it just means that they'll always be broken – this is the sad reality that some people deal with every day, whether they are the brokee or the one loving the brokee.
What you simply must STOP doing is blaming yourself. It serves no purpose. It hurts only you and right now Lori you're already hurting enough, don't compound pain on pain.
You also need to stop thinking there is something wrong with you – there isn't. None of us are perfect, far from it. We are told to seek perfection but it's unattainable and spending your life striving for it will just leave you constantly feeling like, as you put it, that there is something "wrong" with you – and there isn't.
Your spirit is very much alive inside you – it may not feel it but with every word you're typing at the moment, it shines through – as does your courage, your strength and your pain.
~x~
It all makes perfect sense to me Lori. I hate that you are feeling like this but it's normal – as normal as it can be in such a fucked up situation. I'm glad you added the disclaimer to say you have a support network and you know that emotional and rational can be polar opposites. sending you love.
None of us are perfect Lori and Tony didn't choose you because you were or weren't. He loved you, for you. You need to too, Lori. You need to too.
Lori, your honesty is admirable. You deserve to hear lovely things about yourself, of course you do and I can see why you would crave that. There is nothing wrong with you, I hope with time that will become clear to you and you will be able to love yourself exactly as you are and know that you are enough and perfectly imperfect, like all of us.
What you are is AMAZING, Lori. And what Tony was for his last months was ILL. He got it wrong. And it sucks that you will always be left, as your final memories of him, with the anger and despair that characterised his last weeks. The unbearable anger and despair that turned into a horrible attack on you, and finally, on himself.
Your candour, your insight and your emotional depth are profound. So what if you're also a bit of a lazy selfish cow? Who the fuck isn't?
Keep hanging in there. Get through as best you can. You are doing incredibly well at managing the basically unmanageable.
Big hugs
xRachael
I'm with Mrs J ^^. You feel how you feel, you are entitled to those thoughts and feelings, and only time will bring the rational to the forefront and bury some of the "irrational". Your strength astounds me. I admire you.
Lori, I'm sure your rational self will also know that every spouse that goes through their partner's suicide blames themselves. It's not your fault, and it's not his childrens, parents, siblings or friends fault either. It's Tony's fault for not speaking out and not seeking help. I'm glad you are.
When I pop in to read sometimes I forget. And I know that sounds cruel and uncaring or something. But I hope you have 'known me' long enough to know, that I would never be that.
And then I see your bravery, your courage and your heart here. Mine breaks again. I cannot imagine the pain or the tricks your mind plays in the morning.
BUT, my point, I know that you are causing an impact here. That your words are putting a face and a voice to this often faceless tragedy. You are making a difference. And know, I could never forget that. NOT FOR A SECOND.
*Hugs*
I can't imagine what it's like for you Lori, your writings make perfect sense. I don't know what to say but just wanted to let you know that I'm one other who's here. If only virtually.
Right or wrong, rational or irrational, at fault or not at fault, your thoughts and feelings are yours. I know people think they are doing what they believe is right by "correcting" those beliefs but why don't they just let it be and let you grieve? As you said, you have the support system there to hold you up.
Oh god Lori, I wish, so so wish, that someone would come and wrap their arms around you and tell you all the things you need to hear. That Tony could come back for just a minute & undo all the words that he said, that you know, rationally, he didn't mean, words that were spoken by a horrific depression, not by the sane, sweet man you fell in love with.
Everyone is flawed, in their own ways – and your flaws do not make you not lovable – they make you more lovable, because they make you human & real.
It probably means shit coming from a stranger, but through your words I feel I know you. And through your words I know that you are a beautiful, incredible woman.
Wishing you peace & love x
Everyone wants to be loved. And you are too Lori, you only have to read your blog comments to know that.
I hope you'll find what you really need too.
oh man couldn't read and not comment- i done have any words for you at all- i just know that i admire you. for your honesty and openness and truly in my heart of hearts I believe your are helping yourself and many others who suffer in silence.
Lori, I'm so sorry if anything I have written has made you more upset. I have no idea what to say, other than how sorry I am that you are experiencing this hurt, this rage, this unfairness. No one should be made to feel like this. For what it's worth, I'm sending hugs, and wishes, and all the kind thoughts in the world. xxxxx
I'm not sure there is anything I can say to assuage this tangible, terrible heartbreak but it should be known there would be many people who cherish you – just from afar in the cyber space realm it was always YOU and YOUR BLOG that I envied, kept coming to, months ago, when I stumbled across this amazing community. I was in awe at your sass, your spunky way with words, and I always made the time to read your witty posts. I envied you then and in a bizarre way I do now as your bravery in all you do is almost superhuman.
And its natural to want to be loved – its something we all deserve. I dont pretend to know anything of what its been like but I know, just from your past posts, there must have been love once, and there will be again. It will be everything you deserve and more xx
To me what you are feeling makes perfect sense, even when it makes no sense at all. I can't imagine going through that with someone for 6 months, let alone his death. And it is so easy to believe the ones we love, even when they are not themselves. I'm glad you have amazing people around you. I was talking to my mum today and she wanted to make sure you had your mum to help you and that she was being good to you. It's such a mum thing to say.
This is searing stuff you're confronting, Lori. God, I am constantly floored by your resilience. I am incredibly sad that you have been conditioned into having that perspective – Wrong – and I guess it sounds trite to say right now, but NOBODY in this world is Right anyway. Please hold onto that. So many of us live life as mere illusions. You have been handed a tremendous (and hellishly hard, no doubt) gift here. And I think you have oodles of stamina to see you through this and out the other side, knowing more about your deep dark than many of us could ever hope to touch the sides of.
I hope for a more peaceful sleep for you some night soon. All my love xxx
Oh, Lori. There is nothing wrong with you. You ARE beautiful and special and there will be hundreds of comment below mine that will attest to that xx
It's what you feel, and you have every right to feel it, and to verbalise it. I don't think it's wrong, at all. You deserve that, to be loved, to feel worthy, because you are for sure. I am glad to hear you are surrounded by amazing people, supporting and you and the kids, loving you, helping you.
You inspire people to love you. I read your posts and I know what it feels like sometimes, and I wish that I could be there to help you and hug you and tell you that you are so human. I read the comments you get, and I know that all these other people love you too. It would be silly for anyone not to understand how much you need to be taken care of right now. You haven't been taken care of for a long time. Be kind to yourself. You are human. We all secretly wonder what is Wrong with us. We are human beings, raised by human beings, loved and disliked and sometimes even hated by other human beings. I know I will always wonder what is Wrong with me, why someone didn't like me, or said something to me that hurt me. It never seems to occur to me that it is because there is something Wrong with them.
I don't really know what to say but am leaving this comment just to say I think you are amazing and to offer my support. (Whatever that means!!)
Where there is mental illness, it makes suckers of us all and it is just horrid.
Keep writing, you have an incredible talent for it and it's wonderful therapy.
I'm thinking of you. xx
Lori,
I'm sad I can only send you internet hugs. I wish I was with you in real life to squeeze the ever loving shit out of you. It's so hard to be in a relationship with someone who suffers from a mental illness. It's even harder to not let negative thoughts get to you and to not feel like his actions weren't you fault. I've just discovered your blog and while I can't wait for you to get back to your fantastical snarky self, I'm so appreciative of you for sharing your story with us.
huge hugs
You are an amazing, strong & beautiful woman. You are in my thoughts and along with the many others here am sending you love & hugs
PS you know I don't REALLY think there's anything wrong with you? But I know how hard it is to be convinced of that when your head is telling you otherwise. Don't listen to it.
;(
I'm pretty sure that guilt must be a normal part of the grief process, because all the seriously bereaved people I've ever spoken to have felt it to one degree or another.
You need to process what's happened and make sense of it, and it takes a long time. If you allow yourself to explore the emotions, and thoughts, you can more easily understand them, and then let go of the crap.
And a lot of it is crap.
You're very self-aware, Lori, and I think eventually you'll be able to see the lies (in your head) for what they are.
Maybe there IS something wrong with you, I can't say for sure. But I've been hanging round here for a long time now and I haven't seen anything but strength, and humour, and thoughtfulness, and honesty, and real beauty. So put the kettle on, cos until I see otherwise, I'm staying.
I have been following your blog on & off for the past year. I had a prior blog, and started over again, moved domains. I'm neurotic etc. I read casually. You responded to a few of my entries. I have to say I've been distracted. It's probably why you don't really know who I am, because I have to hide from my own traumas. Keep them hidden.
First of all I had no idea… I am in shock. I don't know what made me click on this blog tonight. The last blog I read you were talking about your lack of fear of poop. You were being super mom, perfect mom, amazing.
I didn't see anything wrong. For what it's worth. I thought the exact opposite. You were someone I could never be.
I am devastated for you. You lived through my worst fear. My long rooted deepest darkest fear… that someone I love will kill themselves, that I couldn't save them, that I will have caused it (so I'd think). I guess I can't say you lived through it yet. You're still in the process of doing that… but you're still here. That just proves how amazing you are.
Don't feel guilty. Do what you need to cope. Think and dream what you need to get through the long minutes, the hours, the days, the cold piercing nights.
Because you are perfect. You deserve so much. Your kids too.
I feel, so bad, when I read this. I think how close I came in so many eras of my life… to devastating the people I loved in the way your Husband did to you. In my mind, I could only see what was wrong with me. My pain. It was overwhelming and it devoured everything else. I couldn't see what I was doing… thru the anger, the rage, the sadness… the being lost.
I lived. I have a new life now. I'm also, still in the process of living through my own things… I was luckier then your Tony. But as someone who has been him, I promise you, he knew it was wrong, it wasn't your fault. There was a lacking in him. An emptiness… a wound that made him rabid.
You know all these things. I tell you again in hopes it helps, coming from someone who has been there in both capacities. The one who loves the one who threatens to destroy themselves, and the loved one bent on self destruction.
I hope you find some solace in your dreams. <3
Holy Hell, your words get inside of me.
You deserve nothing less than love. Simple, respectful, mutual love. There is not one thing wrong with you. Never believe that.
There is nothing wrong with you, Lori.
You are a beautiful woman, an amazing mother, and from what we've all seen on here, a wonderful & loving wife to Tony.
He was ill, and the words he said, and the things he thought were plagued by that illness.
Keep on writing, gorgeous, and ignore the dicks of the world [like the Formspring moron].
xo
I think you are awesome x
You know what, someone was told me that the automatic response of the human being to death is to want to feel alive by making love, or even just sex. Most natural reaction in the world.
I am so sorry for the rest, so truly sorry.
By virtue of the fact that you have been so phenomenally self aware and rational in all of your posts I imagine that as you read all of the supportive comments you already know what your loved ones are saying is true.
But I think its worth saying over and over until what you know in your head stops burning a hole in your heart…its not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.
And for what its worth, I find it absolutely understandable/normal that u want someone to love you right now. You feel like that would be proof that what made Tony break wasn't you…but you don't need proof. Fuck anybody that questions that. The chemicals in his brain did this…not normal Tony and not you.
Again…its not your fault…its not your fault.