It’s all kinds of nice and dangerous, feeling butterflies.
There’s a terrible aching screaming fear in it too- a five year old girl in my mind, clutching at a blanket, screaming “What are you doing? How can you be so stupid? Do you want us to get hurt?!”
But you make a choice. You feel something, then you have that screaming anxiety attack, then you make a decision- do you freeze, or fall?
Fall. Every time. Because I cannot fucking live frozen, in a bubble, feeling nothing.
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So I may as well enjoy it. I remember, today, what it’s like to have daydreams, as opposed to flashbacks… and that’s lovely. I remember what it’s like to wake up and smell someone’s scent on your clothes and it makes your stomach flip.
I remember what it feels like to have a whole day slide away, slowly and lazily, but in a slippery silky sooth of happy thoughts, stuck in a bubble of the night before.
This might hurt, for sure.
But to feel that stupid head rush, to feel some kind of attraction and infatuation with someone…it’s worth it.
I can’t live frozen forever. If this hurts, then so be it… it’s a chance I’m willing to take.
Every time he calls, in my mind I know it’s the last time. Every text message I send I expect it to go unreplied.
I cannot see why he would come back, when I am so damaged, and come with two small children… who would want that?
I have been trained, repeatedly, to trust no one; and I keep myself as closed as I can, while having that stupid optimistic hope still. I can’t help it.
But despite it, I am still waiting for everyone to leave me.
Most people have proved me right. And I waiting for this to fall that way too- no fault of his, none of mine, just ‘the way it is’.
I am so damn sick of hearing that phrase.
It’s been hours since I heard from him… so it’s probably happened already.
(Oh, yes, I know. Fucked up. I know. It’s ‘just the way it is’, remember…?)
In the end, I get almost two weeks of feeling special before it all ends and I’ve lost more than I had to begin with.
Trust no one.
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Lori, I'm sorry that I haven't been around, and if you thought I took off, it wasn't that at all. I've been really busy with my book and we just moved to a cottage. I still think of you and pray for you. I just haven't had any real down time to read or leave comments.
This sucks so badly
One day there will be a man that can handle everything that came before him & love you for the Lori you are now, in the After.
I know it.
hugs – i completely understand
a very wise woman once taught me that we can't rely on trusting others, what we need to learn is to trust that we will be able to deal with 'whatever' happens. You have already shown that you can deal with the worst so you can certainly deal with phone games..
Thanks. Not even me?!
You deserve the best, dear girl. You are wonderful, worthwhile and lovely. Your children are amazing little beings and I can't help but believe that you will meet someone to share your lives with. Soldier on through the losers. Lots of love.
Babe, I have so much baggage that I call myself that on my blog. You deserve a man who will work with your baggage. Everyone has baggage. I was with a guy for 7 years who never really wanted me, then I met my husband and he wanted me, even with three adopted children with a host of issues. You deserve the best, Lori. I think of you often.
Three & a half months on I'm still numb. I can't even think of being in your position right now. No-one can fill that gap, can they? I know everyone says we should move on, but fuck! How dare anyone expect me to get over it & let anyone fill that hole in my soul.
Oh sweetheart. Agreeing heartily with those upthread – we all have baggage….he needs to deal with that, and if he can't it's definitely his loss.
If he doesn't call… he's an idiot. pain and simple. We all have baggage… some is "big" and some is not. I'm sitting on my couch, no shower for days, watching my son's face blow up in a rash as he is on his feeding tube. Tell him to fuck off
If he doesn't call, then who needs him?! Don't let a man determine your worth. You deserve love again, and it will come. Here's what you do – make him squirm a little. Don't answer his text or call when he finally gets around to sending one. Ha! Maybe that's not a good idea – but don't you just want to do it?
I still remember as plain as day being told by a man that he didn't want someone with' 'baggage' meaning children and emotional stuff. I was so hurt but looking back now I can't imagiine many people are clean sheets, he certainly wasn't and ironically he ended up marrying a single mum. I too found a rock that was prepared to help me carry my baggage. Trust is hard to give and easily lost. It seems a happy fact of life that we are prepared to keep trying. Don't give up. Trust in yourself xxxx
Good on you for opening yourself up to possabilities.Yes we may get hurt again.I guess we all get hurt at times in out lives but we need to learn from it and grow in what ever way we are meant to.My sister slept with my fiance 2 months before our wedding.My world fell apart.I didnt have to see him again but her I did as is family.So was very difficult to forget the bad.I found it extremely hard to ever open up and give of myself and trust again.I found happiness in time and got married but probably dont really give 100% like before.The hurt stays but we need to just think of the good we got from past relationships and push the bad to the back of our minds.It was the only way I could get on with my life as I felt so betrayed and broken.I wish positive thoughts for you so as to bring positve into your life as you so deserve it xxx
Not all of us (men, that is) are crap… just most. :/
From everything that I've read of your words, you are an awesome and beautiful human being – don't ever let someone's failure to recognise that fact become about you. And a man that looks at two kids as a negative? Again – not worth your time.
Trust is overrated. Why do we crave it so?
wow, i've said every word that you have written in this post…i too never thought things would be right again, i never thought i could trust someone again…i didn't think someone could want someone so damaged that came with 2 kids…i still have the feeling that it's going to end no matter what eventually.
things got better every day, it's not easy…not at all. i still struggle, but i fight through it. you will find that love again, you will find that happiness. please don't set yourself up for failure. keep your head up, you are worth it.
Big hugs xx