I don’t share YouTube vids here very often (unless, narcissistically, they’re my own videos) . But Bunny tweeted this one to me the other day, and given the jellybeans and the current theme of things here on RRSAHM, it seemed particularly… relevant.
Enjoy. I did.
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It would be my Tony’s 35th birthday today.
Tomorrow marks one year since I last heard his voice, felt his arms on me… one year since the world was a safe and contenting place to be.
I miss him so much, some days it hurts every time I breathe in. I’d give anything that was mine to give, to see him again. To hear him laugh.
He stopped me taking life too seriously, teased me into smiling when I needed to… I miss that.
I miss the simple pleasure he took in our children, especially his son.
I’m aching for the presence of him, the essence of him. It’s been a year. I didn’t know I would still miss him so much, so fervently, after a year.
It hurts to think about it too much…. I hesitate in writing, my fingers brushing keys with deliberance instead of pounding them, fleeting across them, not being able to type fast enough to keep up with my brain.
If I go too far, you see, if I write what’s clamoring at the back of mind… the way his eyes were the colour of melted chocolate, how much he would have adored our daughter if he knew her know, how proud of me he was, how he knew me better than anyone… if I get into to that, probe too deeply, I may not come back out that fog all day. My mind will begin that rocking rhythm again…. “This time last year…” (Anxiety attacks that peak and burn, sucking the oxygen from the air around me so I can’t breath, and I wonder if this is how Tony felt, driving home from work on the last day of his life… My God. What a tragic, terrifying thought.)
Tony loved to take photos when we first got together, and occasionally he was very good at it. This is one of his best.. my favorite, taken, I think, before our kids were even conceived.
Tony taking photos was one of those things that slipped by the wayside as our children came along… I became the family photographer, Tony’s camera broke and we never got around to replacing it.
I think about that, and how it only really occurred to me now, that fatherhood took that from him… and I wonder what else we took from him, without knowing, and with the best of intentions… what else did having a family take from him, that I never stopped to see?
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{ 47 comments… read them below or add one }
January 7, 2012 at 1:19 pm Thinking of you with thoughts and prayers. I never realized until I lost my mom that grief doesn't ever really end. It just changes or exhibits itself in different forms. It's a heartbreaking lesson to learn. Hugs from DC.
January 7, 2012 at 11:02 am You have been and always will be in my thoughts at this time of year. Can't believe it's a year. You've grown so much since it's happened too, but what a way to do it, huh?
Sending lots of love
January 7, 2012 at 5:13 am Thinking of you and praying for you. You won't be alone forever, don't let that horrible voice tell you so. You deserve to be happy. Take care!
January 6, 2012 at 11:45 pm Thinking of you – as many others have said be gentle on yourself, tread softly and go with whatever it is that feels right.
I think we all 'lose' something when we become parents but we all gain so much more xx
January 6, 2012 at 10:20 pm Thinking of you today Lori. I hope you are surrounded with love and support and a sense of how far you have come since that terrible day a year ago. xxx
January 6, 2012 at 3:32 pm You've been in my thoughts, Lori. Take care of yourself. xx
January 6, 2012 at 2:07 pm Lori, I've been thinking about you so much this week. I can't imagine what you are going through but I hope there is some small comfort in knowing that we are all here for you. If there is anything you need, there are people here who will do anything to make it happen.
Sending you love
Xoxo
January 6, 2012 at 1:34 pm I've been thinking of you too. I'm not going to offer any advice, just know that I care xo
January 6, 2012 at 1:09 pm Ask yourself, what did he love most about being a parent and husband, then you'll know what both gave to him. In life, there's simply not enough time for everything we adore, so we rationalise our choices and take the most important the very best. Wishing you peace as always.
January 6, 2012 at 4:49 am Think about it this way…
What has motherhood taken from you? Would you trade it in to have that *whatever* back?
I can think of things it has taken from me (like sleep tonight!) but there is no way I would ever want to go back to not having my babies. I'm almost certain you are the same. And Tony would've been the same too.
Love you loads xxx
January 6, 2012 at 4:27 am Oh dear girl, I've been thinking so much about you. My heart is breaking for you all over again. You've come such a long way.
Though parenting "takes" a lot from a person, I think we give it willingly, no? It changes us, but in the end I think we'd give anything for our kids. I'm sure your beloved Tony would have.
Thank you for sharing these little bits of who he was with us.
Lots of love.
January 6, 2012 at 3:48 am *big hugs* sending love
January 6, 2012 at 3:15 am You gave him so much in return, Lori. You still do. Every time you tell his story, speak his name aloud or think of him in your private moments.
I am so sorry for your pain. Love to you xx
January 6, 2012 at 1:31 am January 6, 2012 at 12:23 am thinking of you. xxx
January 5, 2012 at 11:23 pm I am among those who have been thinking of you a lot recently Lori… I haven't been able to catch your blog lately, but I remembered that this very difficult week was coming up for you… You & your beautiful children are always in my thoughts & prayers – this week especially. xo
January 5, 2012 at 11:23 pm Thinking of you today. I know i am utterly dreading the year marker for the start of my loss and grief, i can only begin to imagine the disbelief you must feel today.
M2M
January 5, 2012 at 10:28 pm Leaving some love and hugs XOX
January 5, 2012 at 8:43 pm Be kind to yourself, fill your heart and mind with beautiful memories, with love and with the knowledge that he would have been so proud of how far you and your children have come in 12 months. You are incredible. Believe it. Kia kaha
January 5, 2012 at 8:36 pm This comment has been removed by the author.
January 5, 2012 at 8:35 pm This comment has been removed by the author.
January 5, 2012 at 8:35 pm Thinking of you often and especially at this time, take care of you x
January 5, 2012 at 5:50 pm Oh Lori. Happy birthday Tony! Such a difficult day/week for you. Sending love and hugs to you today and tomorrow. Definitely tomorrow x
January 5, 2012 at 3:44 pm Lori, I only came across your blog a few weeks ago but have been keeping up to date ever since. Just wanted you to know I'm sending lots of love your way during these next few days. Lauren
January 5, 2012 at 3:38 pm I've been thinking of you for days. My first thought when the clock struck Midnight on Monday was "This is Lori & Tony's week". Odd, maybe. But it's been constantly on my mind ever since.
You are probably being thought of by thousands this week (as ever, but more this week). I woke this morning and whispered to Joel "It's Tony's birthday today". Surprisingly (or maybe not), he knew what I meant. He knew exactly who I was thinking about.
My love to you, Lori. It's all I have to give.
January 5, 2012 at 2:11 pm January 5, 2012 at 1:13 pm No One ever gives up doing the things that they love. Tony must have found a much bigger love in you and your family. I'm sure you didnt take away his love, you just gave him a bigger brighter better one.
January 5, 2012 at 12:39 pm "and I wonder what else we took from him, without knowing, and with the best of intentions… what else did having a family take from him, that I never stopped to see?"
It may have taken more… but look what it gave him in it's place.
You're never far from my thoughts, Lori xxx
January 5, 2012 at 12:28 pm Dear Lori,
I've never commented but I hope it helps you to know that you are in my thoughts at the moment. I've been watching out for you via your blog, knowing it's going to be extra hard and worrying for you. Just try to go gently, get through each minute, each five minutes, each hour and before you know it, you will make it through this last 'first'.
Love (I hope you don't mind this even though we've never met).
Anna
January 5, 2012 at 12:23 pm Be gentle with yourself, as much as you can, at this bitch of a time. Thinking of u lots.
Love & hugs
FMIDK
January 5, 2012 at 12:21 pm Oh Darlin',
I hear you! I cannot delve below simple surface thought about Mum. Very different, I know, but still that raw abcess of grief, thinly scabbed over, threatening to break through and pour forth.
Be good to you.
January 5, 2012 at 12:15 pm These days are hard. Do whatever feels right for you with no expectations or pressure. Thank you for sharing so eloquently, this part of your journey. Your words make a difference. We have never met, but have much in common. Cyber hugs.
Tricia
January 5, 2012 at 11:57 am I think, I hope, that he would say that what you gave him- the family, the beautiful children, the love- was worth so much more than whatever slipped by the wayside.
January 5, 2012 at 11:54 am Lori, I've been thinking about u n how hard this anniversary is. Try n keep yourself occupied tomorrow, go out with your children n your closest friends, have something positive to think about! It will be tough but it might help if only for a bit to have something positive to do for the day. Lots of pple r thinking of u! Xxx
January 5, 2012 at 11:54 am I haven't been able to stop thinking about you lately. I don't know what to say, except thank you for continue to share your thoughts and feelings so honestly. I guess we all need to know that you are ok (well as ok as anyone can be) as the first anniversary draws ever closer.
xxx
January 5, 2012 at 10:24 am I read but am not sure I've ever commented here – maybe once or twice – but I wanted to say that I'm thinking of you especially right now, and sending my love.
January 5, 2012 at 9:45 am I've been thinking about you this last few days and sending you all the positive vibes and love that I have xo
January 5, 2012 at 9:41 am For everything we get, we lose something. But I personally think in the case of children, what we get far outweighs what we lose. Thinking of you this month. Much love xx
January 5, 2012 at 9:27 am Like everyone I'm thinking of you this week and sending my love.
xxx
January 5, 2012 at 8:59 am Thinking of you lots this week. Sending you big cyber hugs. Take it slowly this week and do what ever you need to to get through it. xxx
January 5, 2012 at 8:54 am Remember what you gave him.
Love
XA
January 5, 2012 at 8:53 am Honey, this is potent and powerful writing, no matter how hesitant. Your heart is so open and raw again right now; treat yourself with love and care. Thinking of you. xxx
January 5, 2012 at 8:53 am Encircled in care today, tomorrow, this month… always. So unspeakably hard. My thoughts are with you xxx
January 5, 2012 at 8:51 am Oh Lori, I can't imagine how tough this time is – thinking of you x
January 5, 2012 at 8:50 am Like so many I have been thinking about you these few weeks. Can't imagine what you're feeling. But I'm so glad you have got this blog as a platform to write your thoughts out and receive support.
Much love
January 5, 2012 at 8:41 am Go gently these next few days. xxx
January 5, 2012 at 8:34 am I've been thinking about you a lot of late, honey. Much love to you, you've had fucking hard ride and man, I'm so proud of you. xx
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Happy Boobquake Day!
Well, not really. Boobquake Day was last week. Kristin filled me in. She was encouraging people to dress immodestly for the day, to see if we could, in fact, cause an earthquake. It’s a long story.
Whatever. As I mentioned in the comments section, I dress immodestly every day. In fact, I have been known to vacuum in f*ck me boots. Kind of like this.
Except, of course, with f*ck me boots. Which, for the uninitiated, are these. I believe they are otherwise known as ‘kinky boots’. I think f*ck me boots works much better. And then, of course, there are Gosford boots. But never mind that, that’s a Sydney joke.
Anyway. Moving on.
A dude named Badger who lives in Vienna happened across my comment, and popped by my blog to ask
a) What are fuck me boots?
and
b) Why does he always marry the wrong woman first?
I’m pleading the Fifth on question b). But I did stop by his blog and answer question a). And told him not to be so bloody silly. Who vacuums in f*ck me boots? No one. I much prefer to vacuum in these.
Now that’s talent!
Unfortunately for my husband, that’s not exactly true. I am not a fetishist. Not that I’d admit to you lot anyway. Unless mouth orgasms by chocolate count..,? Probably not. So, no fetish here. But if I did have a fetish, it would most definitely be shoes.
So here. Enjoy. Some gratuitous shoes, from the sublime to the ridiculous, for your viewing pleasure. What a turn on, eh?
And personal favorites, totally pinched from Mel’s Funky Fuchsia Friday…
Oh yeah, there we go. Just like an orgasm. With heels.
ETA- Thanks to Sarah, for correcting that potentially embarrassing mishap- Gosford, not Hornsby. Halfway to the entrance.. right?
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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
May 9, 2010 at 10:21 pm Those are gorgeous! Lovin the pink and black number. These days though, I'm more apt to go for comfort. Do they make f**k me flip flops?
May 7, 2010 at 7:22 am They were called FM boots in my neck of the woods … "follow me home and f*** me"! You have some hawt shoes there.
PS – you've been tagged gorgeous :o)
May 6, 2010 at 10:59 am May 6, 2010 at 8:03 am I want both pairs of fuschia heels – do you think you could arrange that for me Lori?
May 6, 2010 at 12:22 am So wish you had the kind of comment widget I could attach pictures to. Damn you woman!
When I come to Sydney for real I'm going to beat you with a shoe.
May 5, 2010 at 10:51 pm Why don't you just kill me Lori… Ha ha ha…. oooooooo ha ha ha…..
I would wear all of them except for the f** me ones… Oooooh i'll what 5'4 wearing them!!!! hehehehe
May 5, 2010 at 10:00 pm Previous post: Fan Me, Man.
Next post: I’m a Wiggles Purist.
Twat’s up tweeps,
Ok. I don’t Twitter. Or Tweet. Or Tweep. Or whatever the hell you call it. I know many, many, many of you do.
It’s not that I’m not tempted. Believe me, I am. Why, think of all the things I could have Twooped, just in the last couple of hours…
My husband thinks I’m a klepto.
Taco’s or shepherd’s pie for dinner?
Crap poetry just posted on my blog!
I’m about to put both my children out for the garbo to take.
What’s a ‘nibiru’?
And that’s just the beginning. Interesting, aren’t I? Follow me, wouldn’t you? Course you would. I rock.
Sometimes, my temptation to Twite is peaked. This post by Thea did it a couple of weeks ago. The little Twitter feed Sarah had on her blog enticed me, especially the link to the giant Oreo cake she posted.
That little blue bird is everywhere, and he scares the bejeepers outta me
I have one very addictive personality- have you guessed that yet? A personality that could serve the Twitter Bird just as well as it serves the Blog Muse.
Let’s not go there. I must resist. Twitter me not.
Let’s just hope the cynics are correct and Twitter goes the way of MySpace sometime in the near future. The blue, tweeting dodo bird. And then it won’t be an issue anymore.
One can only hope.
Oh, and a Happy FlogYoBlog Friday to y’all. Even those of you with the little blue bird lurking on your pages.
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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
April 11, 2010 at 11:14 am So glad I'm not the only one!
I got tempted by good arguments for twitter, but I lasted about two days. I know I would get addicted. I need some quiet space in my head each day, and I just know I would be constantly checking the damn thing and seeing my whole day in terms of 140 characters of less.
By the way, happy (late) FlogYoBlog Friday!
April 10, 2010 at 6:48 am I'm scared of it too! I hear it's the thing to do, but I don't know, I have been avoiding it as well. Glad to know I'm not alone!
April 9, 2010 at 1:34 pm I am terrified of becoming addicted to twitter as well, and so far have resisted any urge to sign up!
Happy FlogYoBlog Friday! 
April 9, 2010 at 12:42 pm Things we do for our blog…. I a Twitterian only for this! can't help it Lori…
When in blogland, 'tweet it', 'link it', 'face it' and what not!
April 9, 2010 at 11:52 am April 9, 2010 at 9:30 am I signed up for Twitter before it caught on with the bloggers. Well, the so-called Mommy Bloggers. The Indie Music bloggers, and well, I guess you could call them the social media gurus of the world. You know, the podcasting peeps of the internets. (If you're wondering how I ended up there, it was the indie music pushers. I used to be affiliated with… eh, nevermind.) That was back in… 2007? Yes. 3 yrs. I was forced into compliance but ended up addicted.
I tweet a whole lot less now that I have a "day" job. Maybe I shouldn't at all.
April 9, 2010 at 9:05 am Ive put the blue bird in a cage. I signed up eons ago but I just don't get it :p and so my jemikaan tweeter sits dormant collecting dust :p . Yay to flog to blog Friday. Better turn the tank comp on and blog it
April 9, 2010 at 8:54 am April 9, 2010 at 8:49 am I hear ya girl. I'm not touching that little blue bird either. I see how it sucks people in and who has that sort of time. It is hard enough to keep up with blogging and FB apps. Phew!! Resist the urge and stay sane is what I say. xxx
April 9, 2010 at 8:49 am Ohhhhh, come orn!!!!
I want to follow you!
April 9, 2010 at 8:44 am C'mon Lori, come over to the dark side. You know you want to. (insert hypnotic melodies here).
April 9, 2010 at 11:01 am Hah! Don't fall for it. Was tempted in by the Theatriss and Waffler. Poo, no fun, too hard and I just don't get it. At all.
Lasted five minutes.
Off to flog me blog before skating.
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G’day my bloglettes,
I do hate to disappoint you all, but, for those who have not figured this out already (what have you been doing…?) RRSAHM is not one of those cool making-things blogs that people respond to with “Oh wow! How clever! How does she do it? I wonder if I could make that?”.
I am just not an arts and crafty type person. Little, fiddly things annoy me, the smell of glue and the light glinting off sequins gives me a headache, and God help us if one of the little people swallowed a button or a press stud or something. And besides that, things like sowing and scrapbooking and painting just require so much organising, vacuuming and picking-stuff-up-off-the-floor-lest-anyone-gets-something-stuck-in-their-foot-ness. And I have trouble staying on top of that as it is. Taking up some form of craft related activity may mean giving up blogging. And we can’t have that.
In fact, if you promise not tell anyone, I’ll let you all in on a little secret- of all the crafty pursuits, the one I really dislike is scrapbooking. I admire you, scrappers, women with infinite patience and some idea of which colors clash and which do not, who can create mutli-layered, multi-focal masterpieces. My two attempts at scrapbooking both looked like daycare collages.
Whatever. If you want cool crafty stuff- not scrapbooking- go look at HomeGrown. Christie’s got the goods.
Having said all of that, I did get the kidlets into something very crafty last week. It was muchly messy and both the Bump and the Chop still have blue paint under their toenails. It was also way fun.
It would have been way funner had it not been raining. Those of you who reside Sydney-side will understand my water-logged frustration here. Sydney people are just not used to having to stay indoors for weeks on end. It’s not natural.
And it restricts your ability to effectively foot paint.
The end result of all our toenail and trouble? Here ’tis. It’s a birthday present for my Dad, the Internet troll. Personally, I think it looks pretty freaking cool. Yes? Yes. Even if all that glooped on acrylic paint took three days to dry, what with the constant, pouring, flood-bringeth rain and all.
OK while we’re here, ya know, on my blog, I have registered mahself with Technorati. Because apparently your blog does not exist if it is not registered with them. They are like God or the Mafia or FlogYoBlogFriday or something. And, they want me to put a claim code in to prove I own this blog. Ha! Like anyone else would want to steal it. Really. Whatever. Here ’tis.
Technorati Claim Code: RMF2CK4AD2EH
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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
June 9, 2010 at 10:49 am I bet dad loved that! Looks like you and kiddos were having fun.
As for scrappin, I must confess I sorta dig it, but I'm not all three-dimensional and "lets use a whole page and a bunch of stickers and ribbon and shit for ONE picture!" Because I have boxes of pictures to get through.
And as for technorati – they hate me. I put the stupid code in my post and keep telling them it's there, but they keep sending me stock messages saying there's a problem verifying me. So they can verify my middle finger and I've given up on joining that elite club. Harumph.
June 8, 2010 at 5:55 am You know the best thing? Your grin in all the snaps. You all look like you are having the best time……xx
June 7, 2010 at 10:43 pm Awww. That print is just pure awesomeness, Lori. Luv it!!
June 7, 2010 at 9:54 pm Oh dear. We are on the same page when it comes to scrappin', though I confess my thoughts went down that path in the hormone-drenched first days of motherhood. No more.
June 7, 2010 at 4:19 pm Oooh, there I was happily reading away and MY name suddenly pops up!! Thanks for the shout out!
Don't worry about not being crafty, all your creativity is used up in your awesome blog and funniness! 'Tis true.
xx
June 7, 2010 at 3:10 pm Love it 
June 7, 2010 at 12:08 pm So cute!!! What a great idea.
June 7, 2010 at 11:36 am Fabulous. Love ya work. Look out – all the arty types will be following you soon. You know it!
xx
June 7, 2010 at 6:11 am Those paintings are just too awesome. Wish I'd thought of that back in the day. Now my little buggers would stomp all over the canvas and it would end up looking like a massacre.
June 7, 2010 at 1:42 pm They have internet scrapbooking sites too! This is great
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Most winners have been contacted by now, and prizes are shooting off all over the countryside. In honour of that, I thought it only appropriate that I share with you all some of the very best responses I received to the competition question. Which was, of course..
“Tell me, in 25 words–ish… anything at all.”
Quite sadly, there just isn’t room to list all thirty one of the winning answers here, not to mention the answeres that were short listed and almost, almost won. But hereis a small selection. For the sake of dignity and whatnot, I’m leaving them all as ‘anonymous’. But a huge thanks to everyone who entered, and a big congratulations to you if you won.
And as I’ve said, on more than one occasion– you people are just… awesome.
 |
| Is it a tablet..? Is it a laptop…? No- its an iPad!! |
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
February 28, 2013 at 2:43 am I am extremely inspired together with your writing talents
and also with the format for your blog. Is this a paid
subject matter or did you customize it your self?
Anyway stay up the nice high quality writing, it is rare to peer a great blog like this one
nowadays..
December 19, 2012 at 12:42 am I'm hoping you mean Thursday 21st December coz I've been awol and only just found this 
December 18, 2012 at 9:44 am Oh wow Lori, thanks so much!!!!!! One of those comments up there is mine!
December 17, 2012 at 8:13 am You have the best prizes!
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Next post: The Coolest Toy I’ve Ever Seen.
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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
May 7, 2012 at 9:39 pm Well done
May 7, 2012 at 3:59 pm That was a really cool vlog Lori. I like that it's all mish mash of a day, a journey.
May 7, 2012 at 1:14 pm That made me cry . So proud of you
May 7, 2012 at 11:25 am Bad. Ass.
Smashing Pumpkins were the soundtrack to my younger years, when I WISHED I could fly around on a motorcycle to outrun what was swirling around in my head and in my gut.
What an awesome way to spread awareness. Thanks for sharing it with us.
May 7, 2012 at 11:00 am So great to see you having fun! Suspect this is the beginning of something!
xoxox Pix
Previous post: The Bump Does Children Of The Corn
Next post: Onion Nights.
Sometimes I am so freaking sick of my own voice inside my head. Seriously.
Sometimes it baffles me why so many people read this blog when it’s so… well… sad.
Sometimes, I wonder how long this will go on for.
Five months. And I just want some relief.
I have to stop and remind myself that this is relief, compared to what I was dealing with three months ago, four months ago.. compared to that, this should be easy.
But it’s not. It’s ridiculously difficult and I want a holiday from my head, because it’s such an unpleasant place to be. And there’s a little voice at the back of it that tells me to shut up and stop whinging, get over it already. And get back to normal.
There is no normal now.
I’m getting better, I know that… but it’s such a slow, drawn out process.
I wish I could sleep through it. Erase it.
Cry enough to wash it all away.
I wander my house at night,a ghost. I can’t wait for my children to go to bed, and when they do I am lost. Stuck half between who I was, and some new person who I’m building from the ruins.
A phoenix.
Twisted alchemy.
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{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
June 13, 2011 at 6:34 pm We read because you are worth reading love. Because we care & because so many of us have determined that we absolutely will not leave you.
You are doing amazingly well. You are a shining light of hope & strength & sheer will power, even if it doesn't feel like it to you. I understand about the voices – OCD, ADD & PND make my head a very noisy place. Keep
Telling them to shut up. Think of a big, wide, empty blue sky.
Love Sophie xxx
June 13, 2011 at 9:24 am As a reader, I actually don't think your blog is so sad. I think you are such a strong woman, and reading your ramblings is always inspiring in one way or another. Although our worlds are so different, often what you say can resonate so deeply with me. xx
June 12, 2011 at 9:48 pm So eloquently put by Rachel.
I know you want to escape from yourself, even just for a day, or an hour, anything to find relief from the voice and the pain and the memories.
The only true healer is time. You are early on in the process, it will get easier to cope with as the days roll into months and then years.
June 12, 2011 at 7:58 pm We read because we love you.
We read because even though it's sad, we want to know.
We read because it's compelling.
We read because even though it may not feel like it to you, every day you are getting stronger, healing, steering this new course. Believe it or not, you are proof that even in the worst of times there is hope.
And we read because for most of us, on a day to day basis, the only thing we can do for you, the only way we can support you, is by reading, silently being here and virtually holding your hand.
So we'll be here, you just keep writing.
Love always thepixiechick
June 12, 2011 at 7:35 pm Indeed you are a Phoenix, as I believe you will rise almighty from this great tragedy. Life will never be as it was before but I feel some sort of wonder awaits you. You so deserve it xx
June 12, 2011 at 1:40 pm You write to help you on your journey. I read because I have some deluded notion that it will help you on your journey. Like your words are more powerful if they're actually read. Please keep writing.
June 12, 2011 at 1:30 pm Lori, I've just spent 10 minutes writing and deleting my comment. Nothing I write really expresses how much I wish I could ease your pain. Or how I visit because I care. You're in my thoughts often. Take care. xx
June 12, 2011 at 1:26 pm The voices will go away and become a whisper. Lots of love.
June 12, 2011 at 12:46 pm The voices in my head is why I write and blog, and yet I never come close to expressing what is going inside as well as you do. Or Kristin. I, too am so sick of myself, so sick of the grief.
Last night I found myself thinking – I have no idea who I am…. I hate being a mother, being a wife was stripped from me, proven to be a lie. Who the hell was I all this time?
You seem to be doing to well, Lori, even at your bleakest. You inspire me. I think to myself, that if Lori can keep on doing this, then so can I.
When you speak, you speak for many, so please don't stop. It is such a relief to hear myself in your words, because I just don't have them.
June 12, 2011 at 10:55 am That's it, Lori, perfect word: A Phoenix….
I think when we get married, we, as women tend to become or take on new identities i.e. the wife, mother, partner or even shadow of who we are. We lose our identity somewhat.
We are inextricably tied to that other person we married. We can forget who we are.
I think what you said is an absolutely perfect analogy (not that I'm an expert, no, but I feel you grasp exactly what it is that is happening to you and you're very much in touch with your feelings, something many are not).
This blog is indeed very sad, yet the clarity and the way you word your experiences in your posts are what draws people in. You have a way with words (as many have said).
I feel such empathy for you and am quietly in admiration of how you're growing and changing and coping so brilliantly. xx
June 12, 2011 at 6:33 pm Normal.
What the hell is that, again?
Honestly, there is no normal…it is just LIFE.
And, for you, this blog is such a sharing place FOR YOU to take the head voice, and put it into the written form.
Nights.
Yep. They are the worst.
Grief Grips Tight in the Night.
Morning comes, kids jump and play and that is your Day.
Nothing else. For now.
Love you. Denyse
June 12, 2011 at 6:33 pm Normal.
What the hell is that, again?
Honestly, there is no normal…it is just LIFE.
And, for you, this blog is such a sharing place FOR YOU to take the head voice, and put it into the written form.
Nights.
Yep. They are the worst.
Grief Grips Tight in the Night.
Morning comes, kids jump and play and that is your Day.
Nothing else. For now.
Love you. Denyse
June 12, 2011 at 6:33 pm Normal.
What the hell is that, again?
Honestly, there is no normal…it is just LIFE.
And, for you, this blog is such a sharing place FOR YOU to take the head voice, and put it into the written form.
Nights.
Yep. They are the worst.
Grief Grips Tight in the Night.
Morning comes, kids jump and play and that is your Day.
Nothing else. For now.
Love you. Denyse
June 12, 2011 at 1:15 am Like all the comments above, we read because you are worth it. After my sister died less than three years ago, I was so whacked that normal never returned-and now younger brother has passed away too and I think the world has tilted a bit on her axis. That’s how it feels to me. I began reading you before my brother’s heart attack and subsequent death at 48 last week, I continue because I know that what I feel right now isn’t permanent; that’s true for you too.
So here we are, waiting, crying, hoping, existing knowing that’s all that we can do for now.
June 12, 2011 at 10:17 am Wow, I really get that. I, too, have my days where I wish my head would just take a vacation and leave me alone for a while. It's hard when your thoughts are so dark, so black. I also understand why you would want to sleep through until you feel all better – I can't imagine healing from a wound as deep and just… horrific as yours could be anything but… just shit.
As for why I read? I read because I care. I care about your specific situation and I care about matters related to mental health and suicide. I also read because of the little, tiny glimpses of hope that peek through every once in a while, those teensy moments that prove to me that you will eventually be okay. I know that might sound strange coming from someone you've never met, but I really do believe it – you will get through this.
HUG!!
June 11, 2011 at 9:57 pm We read here because we care for you Lori.
This is your normal now, but things will gradually change and there will be a better normal. Just as today's normal is better than the normal you had in March or April.
June 11, 2011 at 9:57 pm We read here because we care for you Lori.
This is your normal now, but things will gradually change and there will be a better normal. Just as today's normal is better than the normal you had in March or April.
June 11, 2011 at 9:53 pm I get sick of my own voice all the time, and I haven't been through anything like you. Just PND making me crazy.
I read it because i care. Because you need someone to listen, and because you're worth it.
Sending you hugs xxx (oops almost wrote bugs! You probably don't want those!)
June 11, 2011 at 9:30 pm June 11, 2011 at 8:06 pm Beautiful, glorious and sacrificing self for renewal,
you build a pyre and set yourself ablaze. For the
sake of self. Red bird of fire you come forth through
your ashes a new bird shedding the old self which no
longer is needful. You embrace your new strength and
fly to the heights of the sky to the city of the sun and
give the ashes unto the alter of the sun god for your
immortality. Embrace yourself for you are a child of
the sun and will live eternal through birth, death, and
renewal! The spirit never dies!
– Rebecca Wiles, "The Phoenix
June 11, 2011 at 7:55 pm Nothing helpful. Just xxxx
June 11, 2011 at 7:42 pm Darling Lori
I know how loud the voices in the head can be, I promise they do evenyually quieten down , to almost a whisper.
Hugs
Nx
PS To the Voices in Lori's Head shut the F**k Up !!
June 11, 2011 at 7:35 pm I totally understand where you are at. After losing my husband a year ago, I thought I would never get over it. I haven't. But it does get easier. I still have some very tough days but more and more of them are easier.
Nights are definitely the hardest, when I am lonely and tired.
There will be a new normal, probably not as you knew.
All the best.
June 11, 2011 at 8:49 pm We read it, for you. Because we care about you.
And one day, you'll be happy again, I promise.
I know it because you're doing all the hard stuff now, not hiding from it, not pretending.
You'll make it.
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Yee-cha!! (That’s a whip cracking noise, OK? OK.)
Welcome back to another FlogYoBlog Friday!! What the hell is that, I hear you ask? All the details are here, for the uninitiated. It’s a cool way to find new blogs to read, and to get your blog out there. No, no, it wasn’t my idea- all the credit goes to my lovely Brenda at MummyTime. This is her baby. I’m just taking care of it for a while. It followed me home, and she said I could keep it. Or something.
Whatever. On a completely unrelated note, I went to my weekly yoga class on Wednesday night and still have not completely recovered. My yoga teacher- we’ve discussed her before– is a smiling sadist who giggles as her students groan in pain. I’m typing with tiny little T-Rex arms because my muscles hurt too much to extend them past the elbows.
I know. Boo freaking hoo. Whatever, Lori, on with the flogging.
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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
September 12, 2010 at 6:41 pm I hope you are fully recovered now. I had to laugh at T rex arsm – sorry!
Whoops, missed FYB this week, oh well there is always next week. Will have a read anyway.
Mich x
September 11, 2010 at 9:12 am Hi!
Following from bloghop…would love to have you follow back!
http://funfritzfamily.blogspot.com/
September 11, 2010 at 9:08 am I'm your newest happy follower. http://moogieland.blogspot.com/
September 11, 2010 at 3:01 pm Oh, if only I had the moitvation to do yoga – or any form of exercise in general – and have my own little T-rex arms… Does pushing the pram 600m (and back!) to have a cup of tea and cream biscuit with my mum-in-law count?
Thanks for visiting my blog
Suzie G
September 11, 2010 at 4:17 am As always, thanks for hosting!!
September 10, 2010 at 7:33 pm The only yoga I approve of starred in Star Wars and couldn't spell his own name
September 10, 2010 at 6:10 pm Ahem. For just $4999.99. You can have full legal ownership of FYBF.; )
September 11, 2010 at 12:56 am Lori- I do FYBF every chance I get, I've been following ur blog for a while now. Yet, I'm still confused as how to post to the exact blog post on my blog and not my home page. Just call me blonde (even tho' I'm not anymore). Having fun, even tho' I'm clueless…or because of it
September 10, 2010 at 2:06 pm Um… not an appropriate forum, I know, but screaming baby awaits – I've tried to put the html into my Friday post so the list appears at the bottom of my post, but it doesn't appear. Am I missing something?
Blog-hop virgin and freaking!
N
September 10, 2010 at 1:12 pm and what did you wear to your Yoga Class?
September 10, 2010 at 1:08 pm Maxabella and I learned the same lesson. Happy Friday, love.
September 10, 2010 at 12:58 pm Look at you with your 300 followers! Lucky each and every one of us getting a daily dose of Lori
September 10, 2010 at 11:47 am Yahoo! I'm excited to be back home and ready for flogyoblog Friday! Love the t-rex arms image!
September 10, 2010 at 7:19 pm Lori- I think I might have done this wrong- can you clarify- do you post all the links at the bottom of your post? Do you just copy and paste tthem. Sorry- first time FLOYO!
September 10, 2010 at 8:59 am I am absolutely cacking myself imagining your T-Rex arms!! ……sorry. Composing myself now.
I want to apologise profusely in advance if I don't make it round to all the blogs. My internet is getting changed over anytime "from" today (you know how vague they are) and I could be off-line for anywhere up to 10 days. Sob!
September 10, 2010 at 8:14 am Oh, those insanely bendy yoga types are all sadists at heart. They fool you with all that ohming and aahing… arrrrrrrggghhhhing more like. It's a good thing we thrive on flogging!
BTW, something else I learned this week is not to put an apostrophe in the linky!!!
September 10, 2010 at 8:12 am Hahahaha I'm just picturing those teeny t-rex arms! Classic!
September 10, 2010 at 7:44 am September 10, 2010 at 1:21 pm I feel a little like the Hammy to your Rex (Toy Story reference) as I scarf down this HUGE bowl of muesli.
Enjoy your weekend. (maybe after a hot bath)
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{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you for sharing that, Lori! I am passing it along, too.
This was awesome Lori – thanks for sharing. I had to share to all my networks.