Monthly Archives: May 2016

Obviously it's the silly season… – RRSAHM

Obviously it’s the silly season…

by Lori Dwyer on December 5, 2009 · 0 comments

Because I am clearly going insane. I’m hosting not one but two parties tomorrow. One in the morning, for my mum’s group, and one in the afternoon for ds‘s birthday :shakeshead: Very bad organisation and planning skills there, Lori…

Admittedly, the morning one is at a park and pretty much sorted- a bring a plate deal. But having 30 people here tomorrow afternoon for a bbq to celebrate one tired toddlers birthday might not be fun.

I actually thought I’d be really into doing parties for the kids, seeing as it used to be my job and all. But tbh it all just seems like a whole lot of effort when I’m so bloody exhausted. And then there is only three weeks till Xmas, and a lot of shopping left to do. Oh dear. Wish me luck.

And thanks to everyone who actually read my last entry, I didn’t think anyone would.

On a totally different topic, I’m in love with digital television. My brother recently alerted me to the existence of Channel Go (channel 99 for those not in the know), and it is brilliant. Episodes of Frasier, South Park, the Flintstones and the Jetsons, and sitcoms galore. I’m in heaven. The tv hasn’t been switched over in days- with the exception of Deal or No Deal for ds, who loves it for some reason, can even do the “No Deal” sign (further proof that the child watches too much tv)

Anyhoos, I’m off to bed. Nighty night all.

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The Tony “Toz” Dwyer Shield

The Tony “Toz” Dwyer Shield

by Lori Dwyer on May 15, 2012 · 17 comments

in Uncategorized

There’s enough potential shame here to swallow a person whole.

I remember the suffocating shame that washed over me immediately After Tony did what he did… it felt crippling. I remember the morning After, at the local shops, early, and I bought a magazine while my friend got me cigarettes, just because this glossy piece of tat had a huge, black pair of sunglasses attached to it… and I needed to hide.

It was the most awful, ugly quicksand, a shame that burned my cheeks and slouched my posture and licked flames at everything I held close. And I raged desperately against it, pawing at a current that moved too quickly. I chose to take this awful truth I’d lived through and spread it wide and far– to scream out from the highest points I could find that I was not ashamed, that this was not something I would be ashamed of. I made the choice to approach every second of this with unflinching honesty, to tell the world, and, eventually, my babies; the truth– that the man I loved took his own life.

But that doesn’t make him any less of a man.

There was a waiting silence on the fringes if my life… most of the people in Tony’s life would have been happy enough to grieve this quietly, to allow the method of his death to be diluted and ignored until, given a few years, it would be a story, unconfirmed fact and urban legend. The offer was there, unspoken in quiet declarations of “It wasn’t really a suicide, just an accident...”

And I could have taken that silence and run with it. In the face of no resistance, it would have been easy.

But I would have lived the rest of my life in a screaming, silent glass house of agony, all the horror and pain I’ve written out over and over again on this blog stuck somewhere in my soul instead… thick black tar that would eventually solidify into a on oily bitterness, I possible to wash out of myself.

I could feel it closing in. From the suggestion that maybe we shouldn’t tell anyone anything until we knew if he would live– we could pass it off as something other than a suicide attempt, perhaps; to the shocked reactions when I first posted what happened on a blogger’s forum, the suggestions that I should take it down (and an eternal thank you to Brenda from DP for allowing me to make that decision, and for taking steps to protect my privacy by moderating membership requests– beautifully handled, Lady B, and I am so grateful for your candor and love).

And so the choice became– yield. Give in to the sense of impending shame, hang my head. Lie– a heart attack, a car accident; but without that lie being my choice.

Live the rest of my life, suffocating.

Or the other– change the rules, change the game. Take full advantage of the fact that all bets were off, that my life had changed irrevocably. Blog it, write it down and publish it, every horrible ugly detail.

And decide for myself that there was no shame to be had here, not now, not ever.

There is no  shame in mental illness. No more than a broken ankle.

I don’t feel that shame a lot anymore, and I’m eternally grateful that I allowed myself to make it a choice, and that I did what felt like the right thing to do. I still see that sense of embarrassment that I think I’m supposed to feel reflected in the slight drop of the eyelids of others when I tell them for the first time… those that haven’t read my blog already, anyway.

That reflected shame always takes me by surprise, now. I rarely lie about how Tony died anymore, and when I do, I don’t feel bad.

This Friday night, the 18th May 2012, there’s something happening at the Military College, Duntroon, in the ACT. entry is a gold coin donation, and kick off is at 6:30pm.

It’s just a rugby match.


But it’s named after my husband. The Tony “Toz” Dwyer charity shield match. It will be a yearly event.

And fuck that stigma. Fuck any shame.

I couldn’t be prouder.

To Darrell, who happened to come across my blog last year and made this amazing offer– thank you. I don’t think I’ve filled expressed how honored and full of gratitude I am– nor have I told you how totally stoked Tony would have been, having something so bloke–y and man-orientated named after him.

If anyone’s in the ACT and would like to come along, please do– I’ll be there, come and find me and say hello.

If you’re not in the area, you won’t miss out, of course– I’ll blog it all next week.

And I’ll do it with my heart swelling with pride for the awesome man my husband was.

I see you, stigma, and I say– bite me.

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{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }

Brad May 18, 2012 at 8:13 pm

Hugs xxx

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Anonymous May 16, 2012 at 7:18 am

Out of ALL your blogs…. this one is my absolute favourite!!!

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Michelle May 16, 2012 at 3:08 am

Good for you Lori!!! I can tell how proud you are! My philosophy has always been: There are some events in our lives that happen and they aren't good. Tony's death, my childhood filled with sexual abuse, my daughter going through chemotherapy after being adopted from foster care. These things suck. But they don't define our lives. Tony was an amazing man who was very much loved. Why judge his life based on his death? Just as I don't want anyone to base my life on the things that have happened to me. We are not one event in our lives. Congratulations to your family on this event.

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Emma. May 15, 2012 at 11:58 pm

That's fantastic, Lori – what I love about it is that it's a celebration of Tony's life, not his death! Which is beautiful – and that you are refusing to bow to the stigma is too. :-)

Emma.

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Denwise aka Denyse Whelan May 15, 2012 at 11:32 pm

Hi honey. I know some Canberra TWEEPS so give me a shout out on twitter before the day & I'll retweet. Am so proud too! Of you..and that there's a shield for your man's memory. Xxx

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Brenda May 15, 2012 at 11:22 pm

Much love to love to you my friend.xx

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The Flying Drunken Monkey May 15, 2012 at 11:10 pm

That is so awesome and so fitting. I think Tony would be incredibly proud of you. xx

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Melissa May 15, 2012 at 8:20 pm

Wonderful, just wonderful. This post, the event, your strength and resilience. Awesome.

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loulouloves.me May 15, 2012 at 6:39 pm

That is awesome!!! Good luck boys!

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Miss Pink May 15, 2012 at 2:53 pm

I am so proud. I wish I could be there x

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Pearl Red Moon May 15, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Lori, you are a shameless hussy and a warrior woman! You are right that by refusing to take on "shame" and therefore participating in the complicity of silence that some others would prefer, you are upsetting a toxic taboo that keeps on perpetuating circles of harm. Bravo!

Kristin – I was intrigued by your comment and investigated your blog – and had to sign up! Another shameless hussy and torchbearing amazon!

The shame I refused to take on was the sexual abuse committed by my grandfather. My family chose to hush it up when I dobbed him in at age 13. He went on to become a notorious pedophile, imprisoned on several occasions, and eventually murdered by a person unknown. I am haunted by the other children I couldn't save and nobody can shut me up now when I sense a toxic taboo of silence!!!

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fallingshortofperfection May 15, 2012 at 1:00 pm

I'm a ex-Canberran & won't be there but have promoted it to my friends. SO proud of you & Tony. You're awesome. x

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Wanderlust May 15, 2012 at 11:36 am

Oh hon, that is so cool. I love the charity event. What a great way to honor him and anyone else who's walked that road.

Oh, and shame? I've had a crash course. Try being the woman who's husband is a pedophile.

The hell with it. Life is life. We are who we are. Our stories are ours, as flawed as they may be. x

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Trucking Tumbleweed May 15, 2012 at 11:08 am

Good on you!

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Debyl1 May 15, 2012 at 9:06 am

I am so glad you are giving stigma the big heave ho and that you will be standing tall and proud with a heart swelling with pride.Good on you.Please give a big pat on the back to Darrell for doing such a wonderful thing.May good karma come his way.xx

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tif flynn May 15, 2012 at 9:06 am

Every day you inspire me to hold my head up and look the world in the face. Even though I never met him (or you for that matter) I feel proud for Tony and for you xx

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Annieb25 May 15, 2012 at 8:35 am

Most excellent. Stigma can bite me too. You rock, as does Tony and his memory.

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Flavours of the Week – RRSAHM

Flavours of the Week

by Lori Dwyer on March 6, 2010 · 2 comments

Bonjour,

I was just about to write a list of My Favourite Things. I may still get around to doing that. But I have so many things that catch my Dory-style (y’know, from Finding Nemo?) short attention span, I thought a Flavour of the Week list might be more appropriate. A What’s Hot in the World of Lori. Only I might not do it every week. OK?

Flavours of This Week

AccaDacca- Cause it’s the Black Ice Tour. I’m not normally into Aussie pub rock, but hats off to them for what I’ve heard is a kick arse show.

Cloth Nappies Cause they are just… so… fluffy. Cushie Tushie, anyone?

Blogging Obviously.

DayCare Blessed be he who invented daycare, giving SAHM’s a day a week reprieve from the tyranny of their demanding toddlers.

Hospital Friendliness The Man left the hospital on first name terms with all the nurses, most of the doctors, one of the cleaners and the entire cafeteria staff.

Fruit Cake Cause the fruit cake my Gran made me for Christmas is still going.

The Kindness of Strangers It never fails to amaze me how nice people can be when you’re struggling with a baby in a sling, a toddler, a nappy bag and a trolley.

Zooper Dooper Ice Blocks The Chop and I are eeking out the last few weeks of the very hot summer with frozen, liquid sugar.

If I’m honest, which I am, this isn’t the post I was going to do today. I was going to bring you the further misadventures of Bad Humpty. However, the Man has told me in no uncertain terms that I am a truly twisted individual and shouldn’t be posting things like that on the Web.

I’ll leave it up to mah followers. What do you reckon? Do you want to see more Bad Humpty, or should I leave it be at one distasteful post, without further sullying my reputaion?

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Lori March 6, 2010 at 10:46 pm

Hehe! I knew someone would agree with me! Keep a look out for him Kelly, he'll be back soon.

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Kellyansapansa March 6, 2010 at 10:26 pm

I absolutely think you should bring back Bad Humpty!

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May 2013 – RRSAHM

May 2013

The Jungle.

by Lori Dwyer on May 25, 2013 · 14 comments

“The overwhelming sensation of the jungle is the oppressive humidity- the dampness permeates everything, a palpable physical presence that one can taste on the tongue, and a mildewed, musky odor that fills the nostrils…”

‘The Paradise of Eden’, by Dr Birute Mary Galdikas

***

It’s hot. Breathing in hot air, sweating out the two litres of water I’ve already drunk today. The jungle smells green- despite the heat, there is moss everywhere, and the air is scented with soft decay.

Klotoks are huge, comfortable boats; the entire top deck is ours to do with as we please. There’s a table where meals are served, decks at the front and back for sunbathing and monkey-spotting. We leave the tiny town of Kumai (“Welcome” in Bahasa, the first port into Kalimantan) at 7am and we’ve spotted our first monkeys within two hours of being on board. Proboscis moneys, with big, ugly noses. They dive into the water in the wake our boat creates, knowing it means safety- any crocodiles in the fresh water river would have been scared away by the klotok’s chugging engine.

Watching the water change is incredible. It’s dark blue in the harbour. There seems to be a line drawn through it- as we turn on the Sekonyer River it becomes muddy brown. The next turn takes us on to Camp Leakey river, and the water changes again- now it’s black like onyx and reflects the sky like a mirror. It’s relatively clean- we shower in it on board the klotok that night. The discolouration is a result of the tannin that seeps in from the plants on the rivers edge.

It’s entirely pleasant, and I drift off halfway along, the humming of the engine and the lapping of the water lulling me into a deep, warm sleep.

When I wake, we’re almost at Camp Leakey. It’s one o’clock in the afternoon and we’ve not yet seen an orangutan to speak of.

That’s about to change.

We pull up and alight onto the Camp Leakey wharf, follow the six foot high boardwalk around to the ranger’s station. All I can think is how difficult this must have been, at first- how dedicated Dr Gildakas, the woman who started all of this, must have been. She came here, into the middle of the steaming Borneo jungle, and stayed for years at Camp Leakey, observing the orangs and earning their trust. She worked with the local people to protect the forests. Her and her crew dragged everything that is here into here, trekking the jungle on foot and navigating the river in small canoes.

We’re barely in the Camp itself before Ivend, our guide, who seems to know every tree, every fungus, every ape by name; points ahead of us on the trail.

“There. An orang, with her baby.”

I think I might faint. Just there, just three metres ahead of us, is the most human-like animal I’ve ever seen. Standing upright, her baby clinging on her fur. It seems as though she’s waiting for us.

CampLeakey

And maybe, she is. This orangutan, baby clutched to the front of her so only it’s tiny hands are visible, leads us along the pathway to the feeding platform. She stops every twenty feet or so, looks back at us- she’s making sure we’re following her.

This continues for two hundred metres or so before she diverts course into the forest. I’m so gobsmacked I’m nearly in tears.

This is, without a doubt, the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.

We reach the roped off, wooden feeding platform;  and there’s an orang already there, eating its fill of the bananas and potatoes left for them by the rangers. The skies open thirty seconds after we’ve arrived. And down comes the rain, the way it can only do in the jungle- it buckets. Great heavy drops of aqua soak us to the core. It’s refreshing and cooling and no one seems to mind at all.

CampLeakey2

Except, perhaps, the orangutans. They do not appear impressed- one of them scoots their tiny baby up a tree and begins to fashion itself an umbrella from the foliage. Still, more come to the feeding platform, mothers with babies- there are ten, maybe twelve of them, all in our sights at once.

A big, ugly warthog comes to join the feast; as does a gibbon that’s hanging in a nearby tree. The gibbon is quick and feisty- he darts down on to the platform and escapes again with a handful of bananas.

We stay for hours, just watching- we could stay all day, I think, and still be mesmerized  They’re so unbelievably human. Babies annoy their mothers, who flick them away in annoyance. The great apes scratch under their arms and stretch. Big orangs lumber away from the feeding platform with hands and mouths full of bananas, climbing trees with one muscular arm.

Half an hour later, the rain stops and the orangutans return in force. They wander around and past us, inches away, tiny babies clinging on their backs. We watch two mummas sit close together, their babies playing and reaching for one another. As we’re about to return to the klotok, a big male arrives. He is not the resident alpha male, but a possible contender for that title in the future, huge cheek pads jutting from the side of his face. He is massive- his back, his arms, even his gait is monstrous compared to the females we’ve seen. He climbs to the platform, flops on his bum and proceeds to eat with terrible table manners- he pushes a half eaten banana to the front of his massive lips, slurping it back again to swallow.

We’re soaking wet, drenched to the bone, but it’s comfortable and pleasant after the humidity of earlier. We make our way back along the clay soil, through the Tanjung Puting National Park. As we reach the beginning of the trails, we spot another solitary female orang. Her eyes, her rolling walk, her demeanor  she seems sad. And she is sad- she lost her baby three months ago, the victim of an unidentified illness, Ivend tells us.

CampLeakey3

As we approach the boat, our path is slowed by a tribe of long-tailed makak monkeys, and Ivend warns us not to look the males in the eye. Stepping on deck, the silence is broken by sudden squawking and the splashing sound of tiny monkeys dropping into the water under the boat. They are fighting, between themselves, over a loaf of bread. They’ve stolen it from our boat, one of them sneaking in then sharing his spoils with the others.

Our beds for the night are on board the klotok, under mosquito net canopies that would satisfy the fussiest princess fantasies.

I’m comfortably, deliciously exhausted. We sleep wrapped in the trills and calls, the atmosphere of the jungle at night.

***

Donate to OrangUtan Odysseys here. Please?

{ 14 comments }

Guestage- Depression.

by Lori Dwyer on May 24, 2013 · 0 comments

This is the second guest post Gaynor Alder has done for RRSAHM. She’s a Melbourne based writer with a penchant for vintage glamour and all things Parisian. She is the Editor-in-Chief of Modern Women’s Survival Guide and the Teenage Girl’s Survival Guide. Her calling, her destiny, her whatever you want to call it, Gaynor writes because she can’t not write.

***

“If you haven’t cried, your eyes can’t be beautiful”

Sophia Loren

***

Me: Get up off the floor Gaynor.

Depression: But, why?

Me: C’mon Gaynor. You can do it. Just get up and go lay on the couch.

Depression: What’s the point? I’m not going to feel any better on the couch.

Me: But you can’t lie here all day.

Depression: Why not?

Me: I should have a shower. Maybe blow dry my hair and put on some lipstick?

Depression: Why would you waste your time doing that? Why don’t you crack that bottle of wine in the fridge? Go on, that will make you feel better.

Me: But it’s only 11am.

Depression: So?

***

Depression had invaded every part of me, its weight heavy on my heart. A sorrow so great it should have instantly identified itself, instead of hiding in the shadows and dishing out its pain by slowly seeping through the cracks of my confusion. A sorrow that once its tears formed puddles at my feet, dropped me to my knees with its piercing and persistent pain.

This was no garden-variety depression, none of your general malaise and misery on offer here. This was the deep debilitating kind that straps you to your bed and meddles with your mind, making a complete mockery of who you are. Sadness was surging through my veins with ferocious velocity. I was as flat as a day old pancake and I wanted to know where the fuck the maple syrup was?

I held onto hope like a child clutching at a bag of lollies that were in fear of being stolen by a sibling, but depression is a lying little bastard and kept telling me I was never going to get better. Attacking my self esteem with all those nasty things it was saying about me, isolating me from everyone and holding my confidence captive, so it could pin me down with its force and strip me back to nothing.

There were plenty of people telling me to pull up my socks, but every time I tried, I discovered the elastic was long gone and they’d just end up around my ankles. They could have tried to walk a mile in my Pradas, but they’d long been gathering dust in my wardrobe and had not seen the light of a dance floor since depression had decided to barge in one day uninvited like a bunch of teenagers with a six pack of Bacardi Breezers.

Sure, I tried all that positive thinking bizzo and even though I’m naturally an optimistic person, it did jack. Because let’s get one thing straight, this is not a self-indulgent negative mindset, this is an illness.

Know that I’ve been to that place, when you think you’re never going to get better. Know I’ve been to that place when you don’t know how you’re going to get through the night. Know that I’ve felt that endless struggle just to get through every day, hour and second. Know that I have been to that place and I have returned.

Follow this series each month as I share how I overcame a decade long battle with depression. From a rocky love hate relationship with medication, psychics wearing purple crushed velvet skirts cleaning my aura with feathers whilst telling me the problem was in my past lives, coping with the people kicking me whilst I was down, to finally finding a kick ass crack team.

 

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The Sunset in Borneo.

by Lori Dwyer on May 21, 2013 · 8 comments

I’m in Borneo, right now, and I keep having to pinch myself to make sure it’s real.

It takes two days of travel to get here, including a six hour flight from Sydney, a two hour flight from Bali, then another hour in the air to get from Jakarta to Pangkalan Bun, which is where I am as I’m typing this. I’m currently curled up in the hotel’s air conditioning, so tired I’m not sure I can move again, ever.

Bali is hot and chaotic and the humidity hits like a wall as you disembark the plane, forcing moisture-rich air into lungs sucked dry by the planes air conditioning. Bali airport looks as though it’s been decorated in mid-Seventies laminex brown. The people are endlessly friendly, polite and smiling; and I’m glad I learnt the very basics of speaking Bahasa Indonesia before I came- being able to say “Permissi, terimah kasih!” for “Excuse me, thank you!” just makes me feel polite.

mopeds

Everything here is richly decorated. Baseboards, lampshades, counter-tops and stairwells are ornate and carved, decorated with bright colour and gold leaf. The air smells of clove cigarettes and sweat, incense and satay. People whiz past our taxi on motorbikes and scooters, weaving in and out of traffic, whole families on mopeds. A tiny girl-child smiles at me from the back of one- she’s sitting between her mother, on the back of the scooter, and her father, who’s driving. Her mother is cradling a tiny baby wrapped in a pink blanket.

It’s alarmingly clean here. There seem to be a hundred people employed to do each job, especially cleaning. I no sooner butt out a cigarette (and you can smoke everywhere here… smoking inside is weird) when its gone again, the table wiped clean, ashtray emptied, cleaner smiling and nodding at me.

toilet

A brightly colored ‘floating toilet’

The flight into Pangkalan Bun- Borneo itself- was slightly terrifying. The plane is the oldest I’ve ever seen, and it rattles and creaks in the air. We are served lunchboxes with sticky rice wrapped in a banana leaf. I see the woman behind us laughing, watching these strange white women grimace as they bite into the banana leaf itself, not knowing to unwrap it.

Pangkalan Bun airport is tiny, crowded, not much more than a few small rooms. It’s pumping with people. This city seems to have established itself in the very center of the jungle. The heat. The greenery. The way the local foliage appears to be trying to eat everything in it’s path- thick green vines and tropical plants spill over onto cleared land, rise and snake between dwellings. Pangkalan Bun is relatively spread out, and from the hotel window we can see a smattering of blue roofed houses that concede themselves entirely to the jungle green growth beyond.

Borneo is a Muslim country. Alcohol is forbidden. I’m glad my mum reminded me to pack shirts with sleeves , rather than the spaghetti-strapped singlet tops I normally would have filled my bag with.

It’s a strange feeling. Unveiled. Anglo. In the minority. Out of my depth in both language and local customs.

***

kids

The river that dissects Pangkalan Bun is teeming with humanity. Houses are built on the banks, hanging over the water, serviced by floating toilets that are really just a small wooden hut with no floor. There are floating fish farms. Men washing themselves off, brushing their teeth with the murky brown water. Women wash clothes. Longboats and the occasional speedboat leave the wake of the water behind them.

And the children, they play. They run from tiny houses to wave at us, this boat full of white woman on their river. They blow us kisses and bomb into the water, giggling as we give them a round of applause from our longboat.

It’s eye-poppingly colourful. If a surface is painted, painted bright- powder blues, neon orange, candy pinks.

The sun begins to drop in the sky, and the hauntingly beautiful Muslim call to prayer goes out through speakers strung across the city. On the very top of the biggest hill sits the Palace, where the Sultan, the Prince and his Princess live. From here, you can see for miles, the jungles beyond the city itself bathed in sunlight.

That is why they built here, our guide tells us. From the top of the hill, they can see all their people, all their land, all at once. All bathed in the golden light of the setting sun.

The view from the Palace.

The view from the Palace.

***

Tomorrow, we board a klotok (named for the noise the diesel engines they once ran on made- klot-ok, klot-ok, klot-ok) and head up the Senoyer River. That’s when the orangutan spotting officially begins.

So far, it’s all amazingly awesome. I keep looking at the world map, tracing the distance between Sydney and here.

I never thought I’d have the courage to do this. I’m so glad I did.

{ 8 comments }

July 2011 – RRSAHM

July 2011

Sedation

by Lori Dwyer on July 31, 2011 · 24 comments

I have an hour until I pick my children up again.
Excuse me while the toddler in me has a screaming temper tantrum, because I don’t want to, I am tired and sick of it and this is unfair.

(Life isn’t fair, Lori, isn’t that what my mum used to say?)

Having a break is lovely. But it makes going back even harder.

Plugging on. Moving on. Getting up every day and getting dressed and doing it- life. No matter how hard it is.

When all I want to do is sleep and eat chocolate and cry a little bit.

I don’t feel sorry for myself very often.. like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but gets you nowhere. It’s not my style to wallow.

But tonight I am very, very sorry for myself. this is fucking unfair and why does everyone get a normal life and I have to struggle on with this?

I don’t want to play anymore.

So many times, those four days when Tony was in the ICU, I turned to my best friend and said “They may need to sedate me soon. That’s OK, that’s fine, tell them to knock me out… I’m looking forward to it.”

Because I always felt on the verge on becoming hysterical, the verge of my fractured mind absolutley cracking and screaming out all the horror inside.

I still feel like that, sometimes. Like tonight. I don’t want to go back to life, back to my kids, back to being lonely and constantly swimming amongst my own murky thoughts.

Sedate me. Someone. Please.

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{ 24 comments }

Hey jelybeans,

I am one tired chicklet tonight.To be honest, I don’t want to go back to real life… but’s that’s a whole nother post, for a whole nother day.

So.. a quick one tonight, before I crash for a few hours then start the very long drive back home. I just felt I should explain what was going on, for all of those people who have been bombarded with my #nnb2011 Tweets all day.

It’s Nuffnang Blogopolis 2011, people. The first one ever. And it was huge. A roomful of Aussie bloggers- parent bloggers, food bloggers, fashion bloggers, finance bloggers and at least one real estate blogger. We even got a workshop with the ProBlogger himself.

Poor Emma’s Brain had an absess in her face that looked very much like she swallowed a golf ball. She trooped on, long enough to look hot and make an apperance.

The best piece of advice I got was probably from Dave of Nuffnang. I even made a note of it.

There was a Mexican Wave. It looked damn cool. And it was totally ripping off my idea, which I Tweeted half hour beforehand.

I did some very public Tweeting about undies with the very funny Carly Findlay. And we did a lot of giggling. And then we got told off by the blogger in front of us for being too loud. She called us ‘Girls’. It felt just like being in school again.

Anyway. What happens in a room full of bloggers at about 3pm….? Everyone’s batteries start to die. Heh.

And the holiday is now officially complete. I have shopped, shopped, shopped, met one of my idols- Miss Violet LeBeaux….


…. and Melbourne put on a simply kick arse rainbow for us, just outside Federation Square.


I love you very much, Melbourne. Driving away, it’s going to be difficult.

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{ 14 comments }

Melbourne, Part Three- St Kilda.

by Lori Dwyer on July 28, 2011 · 31 comments

I’m slightly in love with St Kilda.

I’ve always wanted to go there- something to do with Paul Kelly, and The Secret Life of Us. And it didn’t dissapoint.

Beautiful coffee. Every type of food you can imagine. Cake shops that look like they were made by Willy Wonka. Funky op shops, hippy shops, clothes and shoe shops. People and babies and dogs and bikes and trams and buses.

Melbourne is a living, breathing space, like any major city. But it’s different to Sydney. Well set out, organised. The traffic flows smoothly, motorbikes park on the footpath. People use public transport because it’s abundant and easy.

This city works like clockwork.

It’s clean and it smells divine. Cold, yes, but again, different- without the wind coming straight off a huge open harbour, the cold is not as bitter.

And Melbourne doesn’t pretend. They know it’s cold here, and they work with it, unlike Sydney, where we all seem to ignore our discomfort for four months a year because we are, after all, a summer city. People in Melbourne dress for the cold. Cafes are equipped with well working cas heaters, and plastic enclosures to keep out the chill.

And it is a beautiful city. Sydney is dirty and grey, only it’s spanning bridge, fanning Opera House and the sparkle of blue water as it’s backdrop that makes it beautiful.

Melbourne makes itself pretty. Artwork is everywhere, quirky things to catch the eye, to entertain, whimsy to make you smile. Even the freeways are dotted with artwork, rather than a long stretch of grey carpark, no joy to be found in overpasses and green signs and graffiti. All of this on a 40 kilomtre drive that takes half an hour at 9am- in Sydney, it would be a two hour drive. I only wish I were exaggerating .

And the result of all of this is, I think, people in Melbourne are relaxed. They dress to match their background- rugged up for winter, but colourful and stylish. No one is overly friendly, but everyone treats you as if you visit their store every day. I apoligise for bumping against people in stores, and they look at me strangely. It takes me half an hour to realise this is not so much of a custom in Melbourne as it is in Sydney- personal space is not so revered, interfering with it less likely to cause tension.

Again, it’s that colour in the people. No arrogance or rudeness, living a bustling city life, but not constantly stressed by the grind of it, when the city works so well. It’s not quite the wet-dishrag-on-Valium relaxed of Perth or Darwin, but it’s lovely.

I don’t feel like a ghost here. But I’m not sure why.

I’ve spent months feeling like a ghost, as if I died the same time Tony did. (The day after he died… automatic doors, refusing to open for me. “Am I dead?” I ask my friend, “Did I die too, am I ghost?”).

A dose of Melbourne is making me feel alive again. I’m not sure why- there’s just a feeling that in Melbourne, every person has colour.

And I’ve been grey for quite a while now.

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{ 31 comments }

Emotion Phobic – RRSAHM

Emotion Phobic

by Lori Dwyer on September 11, 2012 · 7 comments

“Keep her down, boiling water,
Keep her down, what a lovely daughter…”
Seether, Veruca Salt (aka The Feminist Breeder… that’s right. Bloggers rock).

Appointments with my trauma pysch have gone from being interesting examinations of post traumatic stress disorder from a respectable distance, to somewhat ridiculous sessions of unmitigated sobbing.

Having your psychologist look at you with pain in their eyes is disconcerting. Having them tell you that you are psychologically ticking all the right boxes, that you are doing the right things, that your meds can’t be increased, that a stay in a psych ward would really be of no benefit… that is positively fucking disturbing.

But, while going against most commonly accepted pop psych principles (that there is always some deeper issue, always something wrong with you that needs fixing), it’s both validating and comforting.

This isn’t my fault. Feeling like crap, the ebb of non-existent self esteem… I’m doing everything in my power, everything I can possibly can, to be OK. It’s just, in the words of Charlie the psych “shit things keep happening to you right now.”

A–fucking–men.

We discuss a concept I’ve blogged about… how difficult it is to keep believing in karma, in the world being a fundamentally good place, in the evidence–based light of what my life has been over the last nineteen months. And again, I feel validated… the eternal optimist is slain, perhaps. But that’s OK. It’s called a ‘life ideal’, Charlie tells me. We all have them. Having them challenged is difficult, heartbreaking. It requires grieving for the belief that was there… and replacing it with something else.

The problem, I tell him, is that I don’t know what to replace it with. It’s never occurred to me until right now that maybe everything isn’t black and white, one or the other. Maybe there’s a mid point between everything working out for the best, and nothing ever being right again.

And this is evidence–based, not romanticism. This is me struggling to keep those ‘everything–will–be–fine’ beliefs of the eternal optimist and being continually proven wrong.

I’ve been trying for eighteen months not to change my mindset, not to lose that sense of optimism and happy innocence with the world. Losing it… it no longer feels like a choice.

But maybe there is something there, something besides a deep dark blackness that I can believe in. Maybe it’s not just the dark or the light… there has to be a twilight in between.

***

‘Emotion phobic’ is Charlie the shrink’s prognosis, and I can’t really argue with that. It’s a learned behavior, he says, a necessary survival instinct, given the intensity of emotions– not only mine, but everyone elses, too; and the way happiness just seems to keep kicking my arse at the moment; and the inevitable ‘pull your socks up’ mantra that my own family– most families– live by.

It’s simple cause and effect. If you do something that causes a negative reaction, you will learn it is a bad behavior and you will cease displaying the behavior altogether.

I know what Charlie will say next and I feel as though I’m smiling inside… I feel as though I have a secret. Because I know, just as well as he does, that this level of ice–maiden is entirely necessary for self preservation. But the antidote to it, he is about to tell me, is to have a outlet. A place where emotions are OK, all of them, and no one is going to tell you to be quiet.

And I think the secret is as simple as that… I have an outlet, a place of my own. I built it from scratch months and months before I even knew I needed it. The place where I bleed with my emotions, where words are feelings amplified.

While In Real Life I’m a stoic, a sliding, stumbling martyr… here on my blog, I’m the ultimate in passion and pain and communication and truth.

It’s the only way I’ve survived.

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marketingtomilk September 12, 2012 at 4:09 pm

I think finding and accepting the grey is the key to life. Knowing there are bad things but being okay with it. Good luck.

M2Mx

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Sarah K Reece September 12, 2012 at 3:48 am

I like it, he sounds like a good shrink. I think it's part of our fairy tales, this idea that a happy ending nullifies everything that comes before it. Shakespearean comedy where all the tragedy and anguish is erased by the world being restored to rights before the final curtain. They exist in tension for me, paired ideas, that horror changes you forever, takes from you who you would have been. Strips away that life and leaves you instead in a place that is dark and lonely and broken. But also that life can be good, that we can heal, be happy, love and be loved. They are somehow both true, and for me neither changes in any way the existence of the other.

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Christine Eubanks September 11, 2012 at 7:24 pm

"While In Real Life I'm a stoic, a sliding, stumbling martyr… here on my blog, I'm the ultimate in passion and pain and communication and truth."

Yeah, I can feel that too, emotion is full of passion and pain but I support you then :)

Regards,
Christine Eubanks
Emotional Health

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Anonymous September 11, 2012 at 10:11 am

Lori, this is beautiful. Beautiful in the way that raw, untouched, wild things are that can't be caged.

Good luck discovering and wandering through the ever-shifting shades of life and emotion between twilight and sunshine and moonbeams.

Joy

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Vicky Finch September 11, 2012 at 9:35 am

Emotion phobic… That sits well with me too. PTSD has raised its head in my life again at the moment…. So strange the things that can cause that scar to reopen and bleed when I didn't think it was possible to bleed anymore…

I withdraw. Pull away from everyone who loves me, push them away, so that they don't see me at my rawest, most vulnerable… I keep that view for my therapist, and only when she digs a little. Sometimes I'm so afraid that if I threw open the gates that shield my heart and people saw it in all it's raw ugliness they would turn away for ever… So I protect them … And myself… And withdraw to lick the wounds clean.

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Spagsy September 11, 2012 at 9:11 am

I think we all do it when we feel like we got the shot end of the stick. It's something I had to learn to do- when I find myself thinking or tweeting negative I stop and think if something amusing, something positive that has happened. To try and preserve the smiles are contageous mentality. That some how it will help my mood.

But that's a mood. It's all good and done to try and alter your mood. When first world problems try and peck at your mood… But PTSD how the fuck are positive thoughts supposed to peck at something like that?

I have no idea but I'm glad you write. I liked this perspective on how you see the world – from where you sit. Sometimes on top swinging your legs and other times carrying its weight. An outlet you say? That's fantastic. I'm happy (though the word doesn't quite capture how it feels for me an outsider) that the words in your head come through your fingers in a way that you can call this an outlet.

I just hope that everyone with PTSD or even those without can find their own outlet.

Take it from me when I say there are those of us who wish that things sounded as good out loud (or on paper) as they did in their heads.

This is your gift (the ability to write do well) and I thank you for sharing it.

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woahmolly.com September 11, 2012 at 9:06 am

Not to diminish in any way what I have experienced in my life, but I've never been through anything as awful as you have. And still, I know exactly what it feels like to be 'emotion-phobic'. I've never heard that term, but as soon as I heard it something just clicked, like 'yes, that is what it is.'
I know exactly what it is like to remove yourself from your emotions and just be…detached. Because if you had to feel what you really felt you would probably never accomplish anything ever again, never be able to drag yourself out of bed in the morning, never be able to go about getting shit done. It's easier to just not feel, or to only let a little bit of what you feel through so as not to inundate yourself with the severity of your emotion.
All well and good, but when you block out the bad, the good doesn't get in either.
I've always wondered what led me to be like this. There is nothing that I can pin point and say 'this is what divorced me from my emotion', no point of reference for me to work out a 'before' and an 'after'. All I can do is try to work it out, and act as if I can regulate my feelings like a normal person.
My cheerful and effervescent demeanour works so well that the majority of the time it is me. It's just little things that break into it: my dad telling me he loves me, thinking about the hurt I've caused to people, wishing that I could let the people I care for the most know that I love them but just not being able to say the words. I'm lucky in that it's not a matter of survival for me, it's just a little piece of me that feels like it's missing…

What a ramble. Apologies for the anecdote. Like you said, having an outlet – that's what helps, and now I've gone and outletted all over your comments section.

(Also? Veruca Salt rocks.)

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Sex. – RRSAHM

Sex.

by Lori Dwyer on April 22, 2011 · 25 comments

I grieve for sex.

I suppose, that’s not a huge surprise, although it surprised me, how keenly I felt it, and how quickly- in the days following Tony’s funeral, it was, bizarrely, one of the things I mourned the hardest.

Not the sex, itself, I guess. (Good Lord. Mum, close the browser window now). Although I do miss that.

But, really, I guess, if it was just sex I wanted, I could get that just about anywhere. I don’t find physical attraction a difficult desire to manifest.

It’s the intimacy.

I remember- somewhat vaguely, but it’s there- sex with people, while I was in that dating phase of my life, before I met Tony, before I found my perfect Purple life. Nervous and exciting and fumbling and awkward, and trying not to embarrass myself.

It’s a very different thing to making love with someone you’re intimate with, someone you know. Someone you’re married to.

When you’re deeply in love with someone, you can laugh over mistakes and noises and interruptions. You can try things, things you never thought you’d trust anyone enough to even disclose. You can build an internal erotic barometer of what the person likes and what they don’t. You can judge by their sighs, the way they move, if you’re doing the right thing.

It’s nights in the dark, trying not to wake the child in the next room. It’s whispering “Don’t hurt the baby.” It’s confessing you’ve only ever seen that done on movies you shouldn’t have been watching.

It’s curling up, in the dark,under the covers, giggling and whispering and inhaling the scent of each others breath.

It’s trust, in the essence of the word.

And, being the physical, intimate kinda person that I am… my heart, my soul, my skin… it aches for it.

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Kymmie April 29, 2011 at 11:44 am

Do you know, I thought of you the other day when I was speaking with a friend whose husband has left her. She said the exact same thing. xx

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Trik82 April 26, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Hugs and love to you Lori xox

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Kim ~ One Nutty Mama April 26, 2011 at 4:13 am

I totally understand this. My husband and I have always talked about how married sex is always better than single sex. It's the intimacy. It's everything you described. Being able to not miss ruin the mood when one of the strange noises of two sweaty bodies so close make. Instead you both burst into laughter and move on.

I am a lucky soul to still have my husband. (I am more thankful after reading your experience) When he is gone (just off to work) I miss his closeness. Even if it is just sitting watching a movie. Or reaching out to just touch each other as we pass in the hallway.

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CS April 24, 2011 at 10:11 am

Second try at comment – lost a long first one but wanted to say I found your blog via Sydney Writers' Centre and, having been widowed in 2003, totally relate to this post.

I learned (from message boards at a website called Widownet that helped save me at the time) this is often called skin hunger. I found it most intense from about 3 months to 12 months, with the second year not much better. I had what I now view as a transitional relationship with a widower 2 months ahead of me on the so-called grief path. Our connection was passionate and intense but my parents and friends warned me 'be careful, you're vulnerable' etc. etc. etc. I eventually broke up with him about 22 months after my husband died, despite this man wanting to move into my house, marry me, etc. In hindsight I feel 1) I had a narrow escape and am thankful I broke it off when I did, knowing he wasn't what I wanted long-term (and couldn't hold a candle to my late husband), 2) 90% of our relationship was our shared grief for our lost spouses and our shared skin hunger, and 3) truth was somewhere in the middle ie I WAS indeed vulnerable and 'not myself' during that time BUT I also craved and needed that physical closeness and (sexual) intimacy.

Bottom line trust your own judgment and needs but at the same time don't totally reject what well-meaning (but usually ignorant) advice people push on you now — mostly they mean well and some years down the road you might acknowledge what they say/said at the time did have some truth to it – even if their words makes your blood boil now.

Wishing you well, one breath at a time.

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Adalita April 24, 2011 at 8:37 am

Hugs!

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Hear Mum Roar April 23, 2011 at 11:27 pm

((HUG))

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Kellie April 23, 2011 at 9:20 pm

You've made me realise how much I take it for granted. Big hugs to you! xx

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Being Me April 23, 2011 at 8:22 pm

I hear your yearning so much in this post. It must be agony (piled on top of agony). I am really adoring the comments you are receiving. xx

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Crystal Cheverie April 24, 2011 at 6:09 am

Wow, in this instance, I can completely understand what you're going through. I, too, crave the intimacy, the trust that comes from such a close bond with a man, that you're talking about with every fibre of my being. It's something I've never known. I hope that you'll find that kind of intimacy again.

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Victoria [Victoria’s Secrets] April 23, 2011 at 7:44 pm

The most beautiful feeling ever. I can not imagine what it would feel like if I lost it.

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Kelloggsville April 23, 2011 at 9:14 am

I think you are lucky to have had the experience to miss. Although it would be better to still be experiencing it now. 2 marriages for me and I dont think I've ever properly experienced what you are describing. If you are the type of person to give (as you seem to be) you will receive it again and the right moment will happen but oh to never have had to of lost it in the first place xxx

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Watercolor April 23, 2011 at 2:31 am

I'm 43 and still single. I totally understand. Alone stinks.

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Cassondra April 23, 2011 at 1:11 am

This makes me cry just to read it.

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Wanderlust April 23, 2011 at 12:40 am

God, I miss that too. Missed it all through my marriage. x

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Melissa April 22, 2011 at 11:42 pm

so sad. a heartbreaking ache. and a wonderful testament to the truly rare relationship you had with your husband.

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Daisy April 22, 2011 at 10:05 pm

Beautiful explanation of intimacy (and sex). I think about you often (excuse me stalking you), and love reading what you write. I think you manage to convey to people that haven't even been close to your experience what you are feeling very clearly. Keep writing about this, it's got to be helping someone, and hopefully, it is helping you the most.

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River April 22, 2011 at 10:00 pm

For me the intimacy was never there. Even with two husbands, it was always just sex. I think I'm too emotionally distant to get really close. I loved each husband, but have never been able to get *that* close.

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Alienne April 23, 2011 at 7:48 am

That is exactly how I felt, very soon after my husband's death – and I still do. I miss the closeness, the warmth, the smell, the comfort of him. Now you've made me cry

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Leanne April 22, 2011 at 9:46 pm

I hear ya.

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robyn April 22, 2011 at 8:40 pm

Your writing is, as always brilliant. You make people understand what you mean with your eloquence. Hope you can get that intimacy again at the right time.

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Salamander April 22, 2011 at 8:20 pm

Don't feel like you have to explain yourself to anyone. You've lost the intimacy, the love, the support, the trust of your husband. Of course you miss him, and all that was contained within your relationship. Those things are worthwhile because they are hard-won. And though you might feel like they're gone forever, you're too wonderful to remain single. There will be many who admire you, want to know you, and fall in love with you and your children. It will happen again. Sending lots of love, as always xxxxx

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Buzz April 22, 2011 at 7:42 pm

I so totally understand what you mean. I really feel for you. I share the same longing – except I'm still in a relationship that is devoid of the intimacy. It's refreshing and reassuring to know there are other people out there going through the same longing, even if for different reasons. I hope you someday find the intimacy again, when you are ready.

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Watershedd April 22, 2011 at 7:35 pm

Totally understandable. Intimacy is something that words cannot completely describe. Loss takes on so many levels. X

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Ms Styling You April 22, 2011 at 7:16 pm

xxx

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Toni April 22, 2011 at 10:07 pm

I spent 10 years on my own, and GOD I missed that intimacy. I hope with all my heart that you are blessed to find that kind of relationship again one day, Lori, when you're ready.

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Adulteress – RRSAHM

Adulteress

by Lori Dwyer on May 25, 2011 · 47 comments

This is the only post from Before that I’ve been very tempted not to publish. But… if I’m going to be honest about life After, I may as well be honest about the Before as well.

I wrote this back in November. Tony read it, we discussed fidelity and love and unfinished business and all that stuff and blah blah blah I miss him. Whatever. He was OK with it. Judge me if you dare.

***

If this makes you uncomfortable, please know that it just may be fiction.
Or, maybe not.

***
Rejection is rejection, whether we call it divorce, puppy love, or adolescent turmoil.

 Have you thought about how this relationship will end?
Judy Blume, ‘Forever’.

I’ve never cheated on my husband.

But I have been sorely tempted.

There are people, sometimes, from our past, who feel like an experience we have not had.

Unfinished business.

Half a whisper of a sweet nothing, stilted by the dead of night.

And if these people, these karma cards in your deck of life, resurface at a moment, so perfectly inopportune, you could not have scripted it? Can you call it fate, when it so clearly wasn’t meant to be?

Adulteress.

No one likes that word. It’s a word that conjures scarlet letters, flames and pitchforks, red robes in castle tunnels flickered with candlelight.

Adulteress.

It sits, acidic, on my tongue.

There is so much distance between the comfortable, well worn love of a marriage, and the tingling, icy butterflies of a first kiss. Or a second.

In the end, is it worth it? To feel like this? To feel young and unencumbered and silly and dangerous and have the taste of wine on my lips?

What happens tomorrow? Whatever it is, it can’t be good.

An infatuation that rusts and rots against the trust I have with my husband, that sears and scalds the love between us.

A dissatisfaction, with life as it is. A feeling that this is not enough, this day to day-ness cannot compare to the exhilaration of something new, the intoxication of something I have not felt for so long.

Would I want to leave? Would I even entertain that thought, breaking my childrens hearts, tearing their stability away?

And if I did, would I remember just in time; that everything tarnishes, that you can only wear party shoes for so long before your slippers start to look very comfortable again?

A kaleidoscope of thoughts. Destiny trendling out in two different directions, then slipping and knotting back on itself.

The possibilities, that exist, in the space of time between him asking “Can I have your number?”, and my replying that if he needed me, he could contact my husband at work.

A loaded question. A loaded answer. A existential crisis of fidelity, loaded into that pause as he looks into my eyes and reminds me of all the things we did not do, all the things we could have had.

Unfinished business.

There was so much more to it than that. A whole other story. Isn’t there always more to it, than what we blog for the world to see?

I almost wish I could say my heart was broken, but that’s not true. My heart was never in it, so how could it be broken…?

I walked away.

That’s all any of us need to know.

And most of the time, I am sure I did the right thing.

It’s only late at night, when loneliness curls around me, my husband snoring beside me, that I wonder.

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Toots May 27, 2011 at 10:47 pm

*sigh* I love you Lori. No one else in the world writes thus beautifully or this honestly. And somehow you manage to write honestly for other people, for the thoughts we all have. Awesome :)

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happymumsathome May 27, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Wow…my first visit to your blog to see what the buzz was about and sure am glad!

I have never been "there" but Im sure that given enough years I will have temptation placed firmly in my path and at that moment I hope your shoe analogy springs to mind :)

A brave post and you now have another regular reader!

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Megan May 27, 2011 at 1:32 pm

Thank you, Lori and all of the Commenters so far, for your candor and for once again reminding me that I'm not alone even these hard-to-accept moments and feelings. Thanks for helping me feel less *awful* for experiencing the same thing and feeling the same way. :) Much love.

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lauren_hawke2090 May 27, 2011 at 12:28 am

Beautifully written – I love how your bring words and circumstance to life! To make us feel like we're there.

Lots of Love to you and the babes xx -random blog-stalker from the Before.

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Melissa May 26, 2011 at 10:15 pm

I think it's very brave and honest for you to put this out there. It's the truth – and that's what I've come to expect when I come here. I think anyone who has been in a long term relationship can relate to this, we've all been there.

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becca May 26, 2011 at 9:16 pm

heh. I know exactly how you feel here. you are not the only one! xxoo

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Salamander May 26, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Lori, my head is woozy today from post-op pain killers. I am even too groggy to blog. But one thing is as clear as a bell to me. You were unhappy when you wrote this. But even still, you put the happiness of your children, and your marriage ahead of the most sparkly party shoes anyone could throw at you. Sending love, as always, with kudos this time! Xxx

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A Dose of Dannie May 26, 2011 at 1:13 pm

Lori,
Yes been down that very road you walked I am so thankful i read this post and i am wearing these comfy slippers , yes i thought and everything but what does happen tomorrow? I just did not want to find out that .

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Watershedd May 26, 2011 at 8:31 am

Anyone who judges has never been to that gaping pit of choice and I would venture to say, never truly had their love (or loves – the two lovers, the children, the families, the friends) tested. I don't believe in right and wrong choices, just those that are perhaps preferable or not. We learn (or should) from every choice.

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Tara @ Our Whirlwind Adventures May 26, 2011 at 6:30 pm

I've never been there but I have no right, nor reason to judge.
I read every post, sometimes I feel compelled to comment,
Othertimes I'm blown away and left speechless.
I am glad you posted this one
You amaze me x

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Crystal Cheverie May 26, 2011 at 1:15 pm

Wow – powerful truth right there. Honestly, if people take off their rose-coloured glasses and take a real look at what marriage really is – two imperfect human beings trying somehow to merge their lives together – I don't think there would be so much shock/surprise upon learning that even the most happily married people can feel sorely tempted. Good for you for not giving in, and to those who have, I honestly can't judge because I've made mistakes just like everyone on this planet and I'll probably make tons more before it's my turn to go.

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Sakura Bloom May 26, 2011 at 1:00 pm

I think it is normal. what if I took that job, what if I didn't buy that car that has been nothing but trouble, what if I had just not had that last glass of wine before I was tipped over the toilet edge, what if that man with the hot eyes I saw at the post office was lying next to me instead of this sick, snoring oaf who forgot to put the bin out… no judgement from here :D

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insertwittytitleheremomstired May 26, 2011 at 2:57 am

I really needed this post today. Thank you.

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Steph(anie) May 26, 2011 at 1:18 am

"you can only wear party shoes for so long before your slippers start to look very comfortable again"

Excellent analogy. And I think many many people can relate to this. Including me.

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Anita May 26, 2011 at 12:48 am

I heard a saying once "the grass may be greener on the other side but it still needs to be mowed." I like your "party shoes" analogy better. ;)

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OurGangof7 May 26, 2011 at 9:07 am

Oh boy, yes, yes yes!! This post speaks volumes to me. I think all of us have unfinished business in our lives of some sort. It is the sort of thing that just sits there rising up occasionally to nibble at your brain, planting seeds of the "what ifs". I have one major question that goes along with my what ifs and its one that breaks my heart all the time, one that I can't share with anyone.
You are right though about all of us having things that don't reach our blog pages, things that may make us look like a totally different person if we were to put it out there for the world to see. Thank you for sharing this with us and making so many of us feel a bit better about ourselves, knowing we aren't the only ones!

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e012cef2-4f97-11e0-9cf8-000bcdcb8a73 May 25, 2011 at 11:05 pm

Amazing post Lori! Been there didn't walk away, was awesome while it lasted & then? regrets, I've had a few but hey that's life! Like Karen said sometimes totally worth it!! Happy wives don't walk… But if there are cracks… Who's anyone to judge, you don't know till your living it! xx

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Lina May 25, 2011 at 10:45 pm

No judgment on my part, Lori. Just a sincere thank you for sharing.

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Glamourcide May 25, 2011 at 9:51 pm

Beautifully written as always. There are days when I wonder if I married the Boss to escape the unfinished business in my past. Fake it 'til you make it, and all that. Oh, have no doubt that I loved him then, I love him today… but I wonder, if my 'unfinished business' were to magically reappear in my life tomorrow… would I? Would I have the strength to walk away? Would the temptation be too much? Does that business ever become 'finished', or will I always be afraid of our paths crossing?
I want to say, to believe without any micron of doubt, that I would never dishonour my vows. But sometimes I dream about what might have been, what might become, if fate threw my past in my path…

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Donna May 25, 2011 at 8:43 pm

Yet again I am left in awe of the way you weave your words together, bringing them to life.

And for the record, while sparkly party shoes are tempting, they never fail to hurt. Slippers win, everytime x

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Amy xxoo May 25, 2011 at 8:26 pm

That slippers analogy? Brilliant. Dr Phil-esque even.
And as a woman on the verge of getting married ( in 5 and a bit months… ) this is something i've pondered. You've put the whole conundrum in better words than i could have tho…

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Being Me May 25, 2011 at 7:50 pm

Been there too. Walked away. I favour my slippers far too much xo

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Glowless @ Where’s My Glow May 25, 2011 at 6:43 pm

"you can only wear party shoes for so long before your slippers start to look very comfortable again?" … and when they're sparkly and flashy shoes it's even harder to realize. Thankfully 'party feet' cushion soles were invented. Take from that analogy what you will.

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Multibrand May 25, 2011 at 6:39 pm

Hi there,
That's an honest post.
I enjoyed reading it.

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A Daft Scots Lass May 25, 2011 at 5:50 pm

A truthful and candid post.

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Janet NZ May 25, 2011 at 4:53 pm

Been there too, and walked away, and am VERY glad I did. Brooke is right.xxx

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River May 25, 2011 at 4:53 pm

I've never been tempted, simply because I married so young there just wasn't any "past" to be tempted by.
There was one man I'd met briefly before I met the man I eventually married, but he was just a friend of my stepbrother, gave him a lift home one night and stayed over. We were up half the night talking and I felt like I'd known him forever. After breakfast the next morning they were both gone and I never saw him again.

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Karen May 25, 2011 at 3:09 pm

Been there, didn't walk away…I'd been shat on, abused in all its sordid forms, used and humiliated while he womanized.

Who could've walked away when what I "had" was putrid and vile, loveless and empty…?

The new man was serious about me; wanted me for life apparently…He treated me like a Queen, still does. We have a child together (my fifth) and we're married.

Sometimes it IS worth it. I am living proof.

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Jess May 25, 2011 at 2:55 pm

Beautifully written and so honest. Yes, i have been there too – yes, i walked away – i am sure i will come across that crossroad again. Its scary but its all about the choice you make.

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Leithal May 25, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Beautiful writing.

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Thug in a Cocktail Dress May 26, 2011 at 12:35 am

I don't usually comment because there are so many already here, but this piece…it struck me in all the right places. This is a loaded piece of literature.
Statistically it looks as though the stats say most women walk away, but there are a few, here, that are honest and have been there and not walked away. I am part of the few who did not. It lasted nearly a year. We live in the same small town. I see him several times a year. It is bittersweet, but would have never worked out, because in the end, I realized my husband was who I wanted more. And I did realize the blessings of what I had at home.
There is another "before" of unfinished business as well. A love of 5 years previous my marriage, again, I see him often and think of what could be and what could have been. There is so much more to both of these stories than words in a blog could ever suffice, just as your story, while detailed, still left so much unsaid. Everything is complicated. You have written beautifully and wonderfully, once again.

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Stinky May 25, 2011 at 2:22 pm

Me too, maybe could have got away with it. Realised I quite like Mr Stinky and what we have too much to fuck it up with something thats just a thrill of the moment thing.
Like someone said, its about what we don't have that makes it a potential, and sometimes it makes you realise what you do have

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Alison Kathleen May 25, 2011 at 1:35 pm

This is beautifully written and so honest – what no one else, including me, can seem to say.

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Diminishing Lucy May 25, 2011 at 1:15 pm

I flew away. And flew back. I will not return.

"What happens tomorrow? Whatever it is, it can't be good."

That says it all.

xx

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coloursofsunset May 25, 2011 at 1:13 pm

If that makes anyone feel uncomfortable then they're either lying to themselves, or they're guilty of NOT walking away. I don't know any wife/mother who hasn't felt like this at some point. I've been there, I'm sure others have too, whether or not they care to admit it is another story. I think it's ok to feel like this. It's when you don't walk away that the trouble starts.

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Kel May 25, 2011 at 12:51 pm

What Brooke said! The only difference is the choice we make at the time.

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Squiggly Rainbow May 25, 2011 at 12:36 pm

Ditto to Brooke, happened just last night and then I had a dream. What if? I don't know, I wouldn't have my children. Walking away is integrous, the grass is never greener.
Rach xo

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Brooke Farmer May 25, 2011 at 12:29 pm

Every married woman has at least one of these moments.

Married men too, I imagine.

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cecampbell May 25, 2011 at 10:25 pm

Simply genius, darling. I mean-all your posts are amazing, but this was so honest, such a pink elephant that neeeded to be discussed. Thank you for setting our hearts and dreams free and allowing us to shed our guilt.

Brava, brava, brava!

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Melissa May 25, 2011 at 12:10 pm

Been there. walked away. Am so glad I did.
I'm glad you posted this, Lori.

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Sarah May 25, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Been there. And walked away as well. Just barely in the nick of time….

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Mich May 25, 2011 at 11:51 am

well, we are only human.
and i dont think its just sex and infidelity that tempts us. its everything that we dont have, that we desire. it can be that last few sqaures of chocolate. it can be the pair of shoes that you've been eyeing off, waiting for the price to drop.
as they say, Temptaion is the root of all evil.

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Hear Mum Roar May 25, 2011 at 11:48 am

Beautifully written, Lori. I don't know what to say today.

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Good Golly Miss Holly! May 25, 2011 at 8:24 pm

I battle with this shit every day. Thank you Lori, it is somewhat comforting to know that I am not the only one x

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Rebekah May 25, 2011 at 6:59 pm

Wow how perfectly written I loved that Lori.
I've been there and it is not a nice place to be in. I unfortunately did not walk away and my marriage is now over. Well we are having a 'break' too see what will be. For me the temptation of unfinished business was too strong but there were plenty of cracks already in my marriage, this just made those cracks wider.
It's a sad and lonely path to now walk….

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Ames May 25, 2011 at 5:08 pm

It's natural to be in these situations, it's natural to wonder 'what if' when you walk away and when you don't.

Beautifully written as usual. Thank you for sharing.
xxx

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Carol May 25, 2011 at 12:24 pm

I am there. A friendship growing so slowly, painfully into… what? Nothing – walk away or rejection. My life is so full of rejection; if I hadn't had my three strikes, I could well be there again. No, this is not a cry for help!! (who am I kidding lol) I have shared too much as usual. DON'T!!!!!!

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Maybe Not – RRSAHM

Maybe Not

by Lori Dwyer on September 14, 2012 · 6 comments

“You met me at a very strange time in my life.”
***

‘How do you explain to a kid the sensation of splitting your mind at the seams, so that every scent and sight left an imprint? How do you describe the feeling of the air growing heavy as a blanket, settling over your ribs? “Close your eyes,” Ross said, “and tell me what you see.”
… “Light… peeking out from the corners.”
…”Now…. without peeking… where are the stairs?”
“Behind me,” Ethan said, the wonder of this sixth sense shaking through his voice.
“How do you know?”
“It… well, it feels like a hole in the air back there.”‘
Second Glance, Jodi Picoult

***

I made this graphic to go with a blog post I published a while back now.

The photo, I took so long ago… back in the Purple House. After Tony has passed away, but before we’d moved to Paradise. During those three long, hot months in Purgatory that felt like Hell.

Since that post was published, I’ve had this image set as the wallpaper for my laptop which sits, open and powered on most days, squat and black against the creamy laminex of my small kitchen in my TinyTrainHouse.

Arrows pointing at.. maybe nothing.. Nothing at all.

And two or three times in the weeks that this picture has served as digital wallpaper, my daughter– almost three years old and so cheeky I could eat big bites of her gorgeous, sweet skin– has wandered up and pointed to the top left hand corner of the photo.

“There’s my Daddy, mummy, he’s right there!”

“Where, baby….?”

“Right there Mumma!!”, and she’s all boiling frustration that I don’t see what she does, can’t see what is to her so clearly right in front of my face.

I took that photo of myself on my bed, our bed, mine and Tony’s. Laying across it during the day lit hours, feeling the hugeness of it’s expanse. I couldn’t sleep in it, I couldn’t bear to.

Maybe it’s nothing, just another one of those silly coincidences that we attach a deeper meaning to because it feels so desolate not to.

But things have shifted here lately, things have been happening in such a way that makes me think….

Maybe not.

***

Kristabelle, friend of mine from years ago, who never met my husband, says to me, “I feel it sometimes, at your house, in your lounge room… it’s just a shift. Just… something that is suddenly there sometimes where it wasn’t before. Like a space has been filled…. like there’s someone else in the room…”

She looks at me and she’s earnest, this is real… the more I grow into myself the more I’ve found myself surrounded by people who don’t think at all that feeling something, a shift in the air, a presence, is strange at all.

“I’ve mentioned it to you before. But I never pushed it because I didn’t think you wanted to hear… I didn’t know if you knew what I was talking about anyway.”

I reel slightly…. has she mentioned it before? Of course she has, I remember that now- words and phrases from conversations I can barely recall that have worn themselves slightly through the fog. I have heard her say it before- but it seems as though my mind dismissed it immediately, every time, suddenly wholly focused on and distracted by mundane tasks such as stacking the dishwasher or putting dinner in the oven.

To avoid what I knew what there. Because it hurt too much, or it just felt too unreal to for a rational, skeptical mind to believe.

But, as we’ve said before…. faith is believing in things even when there’s really no good reason to. Finding some proof of what you’ve held onto… maybe that’s just faith rewarded.

***

I discuss all this with The Doc simply because he is the best person to talk it through with.

“It’s as if something has changed, something has shifted…” I tell him. “I felt him leave, you know that? I burnt sage in my house one night and I felt him… shift? Move up a level? Move on to something. Somehow. I don’t know.” This feels too big to explain… there aren’t words for this, not in our language. Maybe in other languages where the connection of souls across ethereal worlds is still a widely accepted principle.

“It’s like he’s gone, but he’s still here. I don’t feel him around as often, but he’s more here than he was before. It’s like he can do more now…”

“Like it took time.” As usual, The Doc knows what I’m talking about with this stuff even without the words I just cannot find to explain it to him.

“Like in that movie Ghost…”, we say this sentence in perfect unison and every muscle in my body goes rigid with surprise, goose flesh tightening the skin on my arms.

“… where he learns to push things.” The Doc finishes off, endless black eyes on mine.

“I… did you… what….” I trail off. It’s those words again, the ones I don’t know. Why don’t we have words for an image that suddenly appears in the minds of two people unbidden, at the same time, with no prompting… feeling as though it’s been put there in your frontal cortex by something else, almost as an explanation, a prompt of sorts?

Maybe you could call it group think, correlating thought patterns and popular psychology.

“I know” says The Doc. And that’s all he needs to say, really, to confirm that maybe not.

Maybe not.

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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Emma Joyce November 25, 2013 at 5:21 pm

Love your post Lori , Im a true believer that our loved ones stay around for us. Ive just heard too many stories and have had a couple of experiences of my own. Keep believing x

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Bronnie Marquardt September 18, 2012 at 9:23 pm

It's true that there are more things in life than we can truly comprehend – or whatever the actual quote is. Go gently Lori. You are doing so well.

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Jess@Diary of a SAHM September 15, 2012 at 5:54 pm

. Life is such a funny, funny thing. And we can't explain so much. Which is why we have faith, I guess.

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Miss Pink September 15, 2012 at 4:01 pm

<3
Let's talk soon about all of this! If you're up to it?

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Sharon @ Funken Wagnel September 15, 2012 at 1:35 pm

I think there's no maybes about it:)

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Shannon September 14, 2012 at 9:24 am

Synchronicity!

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$

$

Your Mission For The Weekend- #BloggersToBorneo

by Lori Dwyer on January 25, 2013 · 4 comments

OK, jellybeans. Partly because of my ridiculous distracted state of the last few weeks, and partly because it was Christmas and no one ever has any spare money over Christmas; it seems been a month or two since I’ve begged, pleaded and bribed you all for donations for the Bloggers to Borneo appeal. (If you’re a casual lurker or late on the scene, feel free to catch up here, brush up on your orang utan here and check out my Edie-Wan hero worship here).

So I think it’s high time I started harassing you again.

I’m going to make it very, very easy for you. This weekend, you all have a mission. Complete the following steps…

 

Step One: Take yourself to your car OR resident basket of junk that every house has OR lounge suite.

Step Two: (Depending on which action you took in Step One) Either identify gold and silver ‘church change’ in ashtray, on floor, in any of the one million tiny storage spots your car may have OR dump out basket of junk and sift through batteries, hair ties, nail files and phone chargers until you locate the slightly sticky coinage at the bottom of the Basket (or Drawer or Whatever) of Doom OR remove cushions, shake head, DustBust, and save whatever loose change you don’t suck up.

Step Three: Put your findings into your purse (give the coins a good hot soapy rinse first, if you must. Especially the sticky ones from the bottom of the Basket Of Doom). Then go to the Orangutan Odysseys website and donate the equivalent of whatever you just dug up from your PayPal account or credit card (if you find more than two bucks, it’s even tax deductible).

Step Four: Smile! Pat yourself on the back. Let the good karma roll on in.

 

And that’s that, really. You people rock. Don’t forget, if Borneo seems like your kind of place, you can still come with me- details here.

As a way of saying a big thank you, I have awesome giveaways coming this weekend- same jellybean place, same jellybean channel. Stay tuned…

 

{ 4 comments }

OK, so now I understand the whole mcn thing… – RRSAHM

OK, so now I understand the whole mcn thing…

by Lori Dwyer on January 28, 2010 · 0 comments

Hi all,
Oh, I should be in bed. But sporadic blogging is better than none at all, so i figure. Not that i have a lot to write about atm. Just plodding along. Ho hum.

For some reason, I’ve decided it’s time to foray into the world of cloth nappies- moi, possibly the laziest person on earth. I’m having a particularly motivated streak right now, so let’s hope I get into a routine of washing and using them before the cycle swings firmly back to apathy. That’s the key to things with me, i think- once they are part of the routine, I do them. It’s just that most of the time I lack the inclination to do anything new.

So I am now the proud owner of four brand new pocket nappies, with another two (a fitted and an AIO) on the way from EBay, and a few being lent to me by friends to try them out. I used to think all you cloth nappy chicks were totally insane (no offense intended- insane in the nicest possible way) but now I know better. They are just so cool- soft and fluffy, and the big bum-ness is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. It’s a wholly satisfying feeling to know that they are going in the washing machine and not in the bin, and it was even more satisfying today, when I spent the $40 I would normally spend on ‘sposies for dd in a week on some lovely new cloth.

And I also understand the addiction. Who knew cloth nappies could be so seriously spunky? Giraffe print bums, Chinese silk brocade bums, embroidered bums, special occasion bums, ruffled bums… the list just goes on and on. If I’m not careful, this could quite easily end up more expensive than ‘sposies, not less. Between my cloth nappy searches and purchasing die cast Thomas trains for ds‘s train set (which I justify by saying they are collectibles, and I’m only buying the limited edition ones, and besides, one train had the same name as dd!), dh has officially changed his EBay password, and as I don’t have my own credit card, I’m high and dry. I’m already contemplating ways to hack his account. *ahem**cough* Did someone say shopaholic?

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Sustainability – RRSAHM

Sustainability

by Lori Dwyer on July 5, 2011 · 33 comments

I find myself focusing more and more sustainability, saving money, reducing waste.

I’m not one hundred percent sure why. It’s always been something I’ve been a little bit into.

And it’s so much easier to do, here in Paradise, than it was in the ‘burbs.

Life is cheaper here, and requires more planning. There is no dropping into Woolies- and spending $30- every second day. You do one big shop every two weeks, and top up on fruit, bread and milk as needed.

Simple.

Money is tight, and as we wait for house and super pay outs, getting tighter. The habits that I started back in the ‘burbs have grown and solidified themselves as I find myself with less cashflow and far more time.

Cloth nappies and a moon cup save us hundreds each month, and reduce the landfill we leave for the big, noisy garbage truck to crush and then dump in a massive tip, secluded by bushland, that has been in the same spot since I was a kid- we used to visit there regularly when I was tiny, as there was no council rubbish collection.

Snacks and biscuits are cooked from scratch, when I just can’t justify $5 for a packet mix cake. I use a reusabale wash ball, rather than powder that eats funds and dries our skin. Our scraps go into our thriving worm farm, to feed the giant, fat, squelchy worms that are living and breeding in the dark; or to supplement our new compost heap, that will eventually be used to mulch our garden.

Dinner leftovers are frozen or fed to the dog. Water run off is collected in buckets to use on Tony’s bonsai, which I treat with hesitant care- I’m terrified of killing them with kindness.

Life in Paradise just moves so slowly compared to that in the suburbs. The fifty kilometre speed limit actually means just that, no one rockets along at seventy clicks. Shops are closed on Sundays and Mondays, and sometimes Tuesday, Wednesday as well in the winter.

Op shops here are abundant, and most people frequent them. Garage sales run every weekend and most of the items are not only old and have great character, but are quality as well- I think it’s something to do with the older age of a lot of the residents here, and the difficulty in transporting larger goods, when the nearest furniture shop is a forty minute drive away. It’s easier to re-buy and re-use something locally, rather than make a long trek for cheap products.

It’s an acceptable culture of hand me downs and using something until it can longer be used that seemed harder to come by in the city, when everyone is so busy and convenience is the utmost priority.

With sustainability and wholesome living all around me, it feels as my soul is absorbing it by osmosis, like the plants in my garden suckling sun through their leaves, photosynthesizing it into pure energy. I draw from the peace of the people around me, and I find ways to fill my time with things that are practical, useful and worthwhile.

To quote Micheal, an awesome commenter of mine from few weeks back- it’s practicing being a human being, not a human doing.

An entirely satisfying way to live.

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Shellye July 12, 2011 at 8:28 am

It sounds positively engaging, simplicity. When my husband I moved from a house to a small, but modern, apartment, I was hoping to downsize, but my husband is a hoarder, and it comes naturally because both his parents are hoarders as well, like on the television. So, no downsizing for me. The useless artifacts are stuck in the basement…

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MultipleMum July 10, 2011 at 10:10 pm

I missed this post but am very happy to read it tonight! Fabulous stuff. A woman after my own heart x

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Lirio Jaguar July 8, 2011 at 9:17 pm

Woman after my own heart…as you ever were! Mooncup, I feel so, ummm, invisible to use one – and feel awesome that I don't have that rubbish to contribute any more. I'm also looking forward to my daughter using one, and my son teaching his future girlfriend about how and why to use one ;)

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littleloulou July 8, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Beautiful.

And about the sex thing, last time death was thrown into the lives of those I love, I noticed a whole lot of mindless fucking going on. It was kind of rampant. Everyone was doing it. I don't know whether or not it was escapism, or the opposite perhaps? The aching need to *feel* alive again..

But it's not just you. Others do it too. They just don't talk about it.

x

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Cate July 8, 2011 at 11:55 am

It sounds perfect Lori.
Perfect & healing.

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Kristy July 8, 2011 at 3:23 am

I get more into this as I get older too. It makes sense. It feels good. I feel that it is spiritual, in a way, to be mindful of the earth.

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Krystyna July 7, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Very inspiring post.

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Melody July 7, 2011 at 3:10 pm

Oh gosh, I waste too much. I am curving my ways though, pulling those purse strings a lot tighter than I did a year ago.

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Suzi July 7, 2011 at 2:50 pm

It's amazing, the difference of country living. I have changed alot since being out here, I love it's simplicity, makes you enjoy and cherish things that used to be taken for granted. I couldn't ever go back to the suburbs.
As you said, an entirely satisfying way to live.
xx

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Miss Cinders July 7, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Heaven is what it is. Sounds like my kind of place.

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Maxabella July 7, 2011 at 12:46 pm

PS – although moon cups scare the bejeezus out of me! LOL. x

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Maxabella July 7, 2011 at 12:45 pm

I love your last line "an entirely satisfying way to live". Ah, that makes me feel brighter and shinier just reading it.

This sort of living is the only way to arrive at that feeling too. x

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theKatieKitten July 6, 2011 at 10:07 pm

Dude, I hate those worms. I can't get over how much Bump enjoys them and giggles as they squirm and buck on the veranda. I'm all for green is good, as long as I don't have to toucha-da-worms. And you know me, i'm not at all squeemish, working in ahospital and all, but worms…eeeeekk!

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Hear Mum Roar July 6, 2011 at 5:59 pm

I can fully relate. We moved out of Sydney last year in January, and into a tiny country town in the middle of nowhere. Everything you've said here rings true for me too

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River July 6, 2011 at 4:49 pm

This i a very smiley post Lori. You've certainly found Paradise!
You're going to be okay.

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Denwise aka Denyse Whelan July 7, 2011 at 1:11 am

You are making" life" work as it does for you.
Balancing time & care with sustainability
You are writing with peace dwelling in your soul.
Tony is watching you water those plants…….. :-)
Love your contentment in Paradise xxxxx

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In Real Life July 6, 2011 at 12:42 pm

It sounds like a wonderful lifestyle. :)

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Crystal Cheverie July 6, 2011 at 10:07 pm

Sounds just awesome. Your Paradise sounds just like how I feel when I'm in Prince Edward Island – just away from the rat race, peaceful and free, nothing but simplicity. Enjoy!

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juststopspeaking July 6, 2011 at 10:49 am

Sounds like baby steps turning into strides – well done Lori.

and Michael – he sounds like a good egg.

x

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Hope’s Mama July 6, 2011 at 10:34 am

We live a very similar life, albeit in suburbia. We are in a pocket of suburbia though, where this way of living is the norm, thankfully. I take great delight in washing my cloth nappies each week. Might sound a bit sad, but it is one little way I can help.
Lovely post.
xo

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Simonee July 6, 2011 at 7:52 pm

hi Lori, i had to google mooncup, and i was so far outed i just bought one! what a great idea! i Hate buying pads!!! sooo much! and a mooncup made so much sense! thanks Loz xx Sim1

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OurGangof7 July 6, 2011 at 9:52 am

This post has me sincerely wanting to move to "Paradise". That is precisely the kind of life I strive for, away from the rat race of suburbia.
I am so happy for you having found this little place to live, where life is truly slow and easy (I know not easy in the money sense but easy in the sense that there is no pressure).

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Miss Pink July 6, 2011 at 9:34 am

Sounds wonderful!

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Salamander July 6, 2011 at 9:00 am

Just reading this makes me smile. Not just because of your enviable sustainable habits, but because your posts are starting to sound more peaceful. I know that you would be a long, long way from feeling peaceful. But it's nice to hear tiny slivers of peace creeping into your life xxxx

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Christie July 6, 2011 at 8:48 am

Well, ya know I'm a convert, so it makes me happy to hear you are living more thoughtfully. I hope it continues to inspire you and fill your days with productivity and joy.

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Photographer Mum July 6, 2011 at 8:36 am

What a beautiful way to live. I have dreams of living the simple life, hopefully the will come to fruition one day soon.
Hope you and your babies are well

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Andrea July 6, 2011 at 7:58 am

That it is. I am not quite so diligent as you, but I have ambitions to be! It's a very healthy way to live and full of great values for your kids to learn!

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rosewendy July 6, 2011 at 1:30 am

Sounds like you live down the road from me. After a while living this kind of life you think "what's the rush?" And an urban life seems to generate such a lot of waste. There's no time to consider creative re-use or giving back to the soil. Sad.
Everyone should be as lucky as us.

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mummabear1970 July 6, 2011 at 12:35 am

Lori, that sounds like a beautiful town & a lovely way to live. I am a fan of the simple stuff. I know from reading your blog that your life is far from simple – I am happy you are finding some solace in your new place.

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Mum on the Run July 5, 2011 at 11:41 pm

A gorgeous post, mindset and lifestyle.
:-)

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tatumwoodroffe July 5, 2011 at 11:37 pm

Love this, awesome soul nurturing way to live xxx

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MaidInAustralia July 5, 2011 at 11:07 pm

I like it too. I've always been pretty environmentally friendly, but having no money has forced similar changes. And I'm loving it. It's amazing how little you can live on, how good it feels to give back to the earth and other creatures, and how satisfying it is to use and recycle. Nothing gets wasted at our place!

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Good Golly Miss Holly! July 5, 2011 at 11:49 pm

Oh Lori, sounds so good for the soul xx

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