It’s all kinds of nice and dangerous, feeling butterflies.
There’s a terrible aching screaming fear in it too- a five year old girl in my mind, clutching at a blanket, screaming “What are you doing? How can you be so stupid? Do you want us to get hurt?!”
But you make a choice. You feel something, then you have that screaming anxiety attack, then you make a decision- do you freeze, or fall?
Fall. Every time. Because I cannot fucking live frozen, in a bubble, feeling nothing.
So I may as well enjoy it. I remember, today, what it’s like to have daydreams, as opposed to flashbacks… and that’s lovely. I remember what it’s like to wake up and smell someone’s scent on your clothes and it makes your stomach flip.
I remember what it feels like to have a whole day slide away, slowly and lazily, but in a slippery silky sooth of happy thoughts, stuck in a bubble of the night before.
This might hurt, for sure.
But to feel that stupid head rush, to feel some kind of attraction and infatuation with someone…it’s worth it.
I can’t live frozen forever. If this hurts, then so be it… it’s a chance I’m willing to take.
Every time he calls, in my mind I know it’s the last time. Every text message I send I expect it to go unreplied.
I cannot see why he would come back, when I am so damaged, and come with two small children… who would want that?
I have been trained, repeatedly, to trust no one; and I keep myself as closed as I can, while having that stupid optimistic hope still. I can’t help it.
But despite it, I am still waiting for everyone to leave me.
Most people have proved me right. And I waiting for this to fall that way too- no fault of his, none of mine, just ‘the way it is’.
I am so damn sick of hearing that phrase.
It’s been hours since I heard from him… so it’s probably happened already.
(Oh, yes, I know. Fucked up. I know. It’s ‘just the way it is’, remember…?)
In the end, I get almost two weeks of feeling special before it all ends and I’ve lost more than I had to begin with.
Trust no one.