Being in love is all kinds of awesome and I traipse around, laughing and smiling and being silly. I put on five badly–needed kilos. I still sleep alone most of the time, of course, but I wake most mornings feeling refreshed and calm– as if I actually have slept, not just eventually fallen into a warm black unconsciousness due to the physiological necessity of needing to rest.
Life just seems… easier. Momentous tasks revert to simple inconveniences. Things seems accomplish-able, dreams believable. Life suddenly comes into some kind of focus, a fine point in the distance– something to work toward again, rather than just surviving every day. Relishing in myself, as opposed to clawing to maintain my sanity when it feels as though very few people In Real Life actually give a f*ck about me, and, sadder, don’t particularly care about my children either.
I’d forgotten what ’happy’ felt like, the effect it can have. And I mean literally forgotten, without any of my usual melodrama– it takes me by surprise how good this feels, how happiness is impossible to contain to one small area of your life, how it seeps out and colors everything beautiful. I find myself feeling simply… lighter. Smiling more. More playful with my children, less inclined to yell and grumble at them. I find new music everywhere I go and it sticks in my mind, phrases sweet and melodic that contentment causes to come tumbling from my lips.
I walk around singing love songs, and I’m happy if that’s a slightly pathetic cliche… give me blatant, happy normality and I’ll not just take it. I’ll grasp at it desperately with both hands.
And it feels normal. I feel normal. Wonderfully, boringly normal. I walk around feeling as though I’ve reconnected again, this time with an apolycyptic zing. After living in a barren, painful No Man’s Land for two years now; I feel as though I’m suddenly back, with a vengeance, in the land of the living. And it’s intense here– colors and smells and noise and people with their banalities and ideosynchracies. I find myself shying away, not drinking of it too heavily or partaking too fully, lest I gorge myself on the sickly sweetness of it. (I remember, leaving the dull, quiet safety of the maternity ward for the first time after my son’s dark birth and witnessing my surburban world with the same intensity I’m feeling now– colors were suddenly so bright, people so fast and loud. And I recall, years before children when I was a different person, interviewing inmates from the Big Brother house once they were released, and them commenting that they felt they same. It makes me wonder– how loud and fast are we, compared to the pace we are meant to run at…?)
And I thoroughly enjoy it, right down to it’s most basic roots– “See? Do you all see this?!? I have someone who loves me, and I love them. They think I’m awesome. This means I’m not broken anymore. This is a big fat blurred inky stamp that says that I. Am. Normal.”
(And all the hipsters in the back row with their feet up on the seats can intone here all you like about how ‘being normal isn’t that great anyway’. I’ll take that, and I’ll say– bullshit. Normal– ‘of the norm’. Unremarkable. The same as everyone else. If you think ‘normal’ is an undesirable state… you haven’t been where I’ve been.)
And it feels so good…
Until it doesn’t anymore. Until something happens to make me feel stupid, foolish-of course I am not normal. Of course I cannot just flip a switch and make all this go away… and neither can The Most Amazing Man In The Universe, as amazing as he is.
Because despite that happiness- maybe because of it- receding back into the horror of what happened, the awfulness of it that still snags the edges of my mind… delving into the thoughts that make the whole world feel ugly, so that numbness and disconnection becomes my only way to cope… Well. That’s the polar opposite to this ‘happy’ thing I have going on.
It’s existing in that split state again.
The light. The dark.
So I walk around thinking I’m normal… until something reminds me I’m not. Like dissolving into a quaking, shaking mess within an hour of returning from my calm Melbourne bubble because my children will not stop screaming at me. For forty five minutes they take turns yelling at each me, at each other, at nothing at all; until I am on the verge of tears and my whole body is tense, hands shaking, breathe coming in great gasps. “It’s just because they’ve missed you so much”, says my mother, and I think Yes, and now they are going out of their way to punish me, now they are intent on making me pay for the time off I’ve so selfishly taken.
Is that normal? To feel so persecuted, so bereft and agitated? If that’s what’s those burnt out, over–ridden symptoms the PTSD lays cause to– if the legacy of this is that my mind freezes in flight or fight adrenaline every time someone, anyone starts yelling– then shouldn’t it come with a shut off switch, some kind of physiological morphine that dulls the effect of being yelled at when it’s your own children doing it?
Or does it not matter, not really? PTSD is PTSD. And screaming is screaming. Whether it be my children, or any random someone… it still feels like a verbal wall battering against me, an aggressive pulse that squeezes my mind, my nerves. Every single fiber of me goes stiff, closes up, blocks out the resonant phrases until its noise, just noise, and a voice I know well from a few years ago now tells me that it will be over soon. It will be over soon.
Just keep up your own guard of white noise and soon the yelling will stop.
But, again, as if just going around and round in a maze of my own mind, I hit the same point– I should feel differently about it, since its my own kid doing the yelling… shouldn’t I? There should be some kind of Get Out Of Jail Free card, some biological smoke and mirrors to ensure that this doesn’t phase me…. right?
I don’t know… do real normal people have that? I’ve lost my judging point, my yard stick for where acceptable ends and Slightly Crazy begins. Maybe normal people do possess that ability to be mostly un-phased by the constant yelling of their offspring, and I lost when the world became unsafe. When all my parameters of what people are capable of, what they might do in a fit of irrational rage, were suspended and held hostage by the world and the whims of one person.
Maybe it’s a maternal instinct I never had to begin with.
Or maybe all that’s bullshit, and all mothers feel like this a lot of the time. Like they can’t take it, like they want to run away. Like if two small people scream at them again, cracking the silence and making every nerve jump and singe and cry or in shock; then they may just absolutely lose their sh*t.
Or, again… maybe that’s just me.
Tagged as: children, Life But Not As We Know It, mental, stuff I don’t think you want to read anyway, stuff that makes me happy, This Not My Idea Of A Good Time
{ 127 comments… read them below or add one }
xx
There is nothing you can say that will ever make me feel uncomfortable. Kick, scream, swear….do whatever you need to do to make it through this. And don't stop doing it until you feel ready, even if that takes months. We will be here.
I;m so sorry you have to go through this. Much love to you and your children xxx
Thinking of you, all of you. Big hugs.
Had wandered over from Brenda's blog just before this terrible nightmare happened to your family. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how it feels. Stay strong, but also allow yourself to be weak – do whatever you need to…. run screaming around your neighbourhood with your knickers on your head if it helps…and keep writing – you have a great gift there lady!
Sending you love and best wishes from the UK.
Kristina xxx
Lori, I have no words for you. Just know that we are all carrying your heart in ours.
Linda
Words are inadequate.
You're amazing.
Stay strong.
We're thinking of you x
Lori, I am so glad you have this space.
And I am so glad we're all here for you.
Sorry is stupid!
But still, I am so sorry this is happening to you.
You sweet, lovely, Lori.
Much love to you.
However many people were with you today to say goodbye to Tony, please know that a thousand more of us were thinking of you and your babies.
Write whatever you need to, whatever helps to make this bearable, even for a moment. We will all be here for every word.
Have been thinking of you today especially.
Do what you have to do to get through it all and don't worry about everybody else.
thinking of you today, wishing you strength ♥
Thinking of you… "without words!"
Lori, you are such a strong beautiful woman and we're thinking of you while you'll be bracing tomorrow! Be strong and know there are so many people that love you and are holding you dear and praying for you! Be blessed, sweet Lori!
When I woke up this morning my thoughts were with you. I don't know where you are or what you are doing right now because of the time difference between our countries, but I wish you and your children lots of strength for today and all days to come.
Love, Wendy
My heart breaks for you. The road you are traveling right now is a horrible one, just make sure you accept any help offered by friends and family. I hope the funeral was ok today and you were able to honnor your husbands memory xxx
Lori, my heart was with you today.
I was thinking yesterday (while you wrote this post) of your wedding too, and of how it must have felt then on the eve of it, and yesterday on the eve of the funeral.
No words can describe your pain, and I'm so sorry you had to have today.
You are in our hearts today Lori. xx
*hugs*
God Bless.
Life can be totally unfair, and you have been dealt the heaviest of blows. If it helps, there is an enormous group of strangers here that feel for you. No doubt you have close friends and family who will help today, and give the suport you need, for you, and the children.
Nothing can fix it, all one can do is adjust over time. May it all be as smooth as possible.
Oh, and you say what and how you like; anything is acceptable.
Thinking of you and the kiddies today. Rufalina. xoxo
Thinking of you honey and sending really big hugs your way xo
Hugs.
I couldn't blog about my husband's funeral for months afterwards … but did blog in the end, because I did not want to forget One Single Thing that was part of his life.
The one thing I couldn't do at the funeral but now so much wish that I did, was to just Look Up and let the sheer number of people at the service sink in – That Many People are here for us. I so wish I had turned around and looked up at the faces of the people who love us instead of avoiding all eye contact and staring down at the ground.
It will be a hard day. Really hard.
Know that me and my kids will be thinking of you and your kids and wishing you every strength.
I don't know you, and I've only just come across you here, and still I cry for your heartache. I hope you know that even us strangers out here really care, and will be sending you strength to get through this. I am so so very sorry for your loss, and I wish there were something I could do besides type those same old words you've read a hundred times.
I'm sitting here, crying for you and Tony, wishing that my tears would make a difference. Strength and love coming your way, my poor, dear girl. Give your babies a kiss from all of the above, I think. xxxxx
I'm thinking of you Lori. I'm praying for you and your little ones. We are all here for you, when you need us. Love.
I hope your husband's memory is honored with a beautiful funeral. I'm sure he will know today, how loved he was and still is. I hope you will be ok today, too. It will be a hard day, but like you've said, it's such an important thing to do.
I'm sending my love to you today, to your children and your family. Don't worry about anyone else's opinion about your writing.
It's your blog sweetheart, you do what you like:) If you want to write, write, and if you don't, then don't feel obligated to either. Just do what you need to do, when you need to do it.
Also, I hope you can get some sleep soon ((HUG))
sending love xx
You're in my thoughts today Lori. You have the strength to get through this terribly fucked up lot that you've been dealt. xox
You will never know the tears we have cried , stupid auto correct
It hurts, and it doesn't seem real, and you probably feel like you're going a little bit crazy. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, you are doing so well. You will know the tears we have cried for you, for him, for your little ones. Please know you are loved x
I can't even imagine what life looks like for you right now. Writing is a good thing to do- therapeutic. Don't apologise.
All my love for today.
Lori, fucked is about right, but still doesn't even come close to covering it. So swear, laugh, cry until there's a puddle on the keyboard, rage, celebrate what you had and mourn what you've lost. Say whatever it is that YOU need to say. If your grieving and taking whatever catharsis you can makes some uncomfortable, fuck them, because their discomfort is nothing compared to the magnitude of what you feel. Holding your hand today xx
I'm holding you in my thoughts and in my heart for tomorrow… stay strong…
Lori, you are incredible, brave and your words are painfully beautiful. We are all there right behind you….xx
You can say whatever you like, this is your space. Am thinking of you today.
CheezelMonster from BB
I don't know what to say . . . prayers don't seem enough. Saying "I'm sorry" just doesn't seem like anywhere near enough. Hug everyone you see and soak in their strength. X
Big love to you Lori. I will be keeping you & your children in my heart all day. xx
Praying for you and your cherubs today Lori! Keep writing your beautiful gut wrenching honest ramblings! We are all 'listening' and are all with you in whatever way we can be!
x
The way you are handling this is a credit to you and is awfully inspiring to others out there. Keep strong honey – it will be one of the toughest days you'll have but we are all sending you strength and love.
Big hugs – thinking of you today
xx
I don't know you Lori, but fucked covers the horror you are experiencing. Please keep strong and know that people you don't even know care about you and are praying for your family in this incredibly devastating time. Bless you Lori
Sending all the good thoughts, love and support I can muster for you and your children today Lori xx
I wish we could all be there – a strong, loving army, a wall of people just for you. Arms to hold you up, hands to wipe away tears, voices to tell you we're here for you.
We are in spirit though, Lori. We're all of us there in spirit. Get through today, however you must. We'll all be here when you're ready for us.
My heart goes out to you. xxx
My thoughts are with you Lori. I wish you strength and courage in such a hard time. I am thinking of you and your little ones.
Hugs and kisses Adalita.
Lori please know that we are thinking of you today. This day will be bloody horrible and your post reminded me of the way I felt when I had to bury my baby boy 17 years ago. Just that raw emotion and the way you honestly don't give a damn about anything else, the world can go to hell and you really couldn't care less.
Take care of yourself and your little ones. It is a situation that no one can truly know how they will react until they experience it and no one deserves to have to go through it,,,, no one!!
Love and Hugs
Colleen
My heart goes out to you today as you farewell your beloved Tony.Thoughts & Prayers are with you.Love and strength x
Lori, I am adding my love to the huge amount already shown by the lovely ladies above. Thinking of you and your babies ~ Tina xx
*HUGS* Thinking of you.
I've lost a husband too. It's horrible. It's a nightmare. You rant and rave and cry. But then you get up and keep going. Somehow. Thinking of you today…
It's Friday and you are in my thoughts Lori.
xx
Thinking of you and your little ones Lori.
Sx
Don't apologise for coming here and writing. Do NOT apologise to anyone. You are doing what you need to to get through this fucking awful situation.
If coming here, if writing helps you, then do it! If people are upset or offended it's simple, they don't have to read.
Screw what anyone thinks anyway. Right now what's important is what you think, what you feel and what you need and i know there is a shit tonne of us that are only too happy to be there for you and do our best to help you out. <3 Goodluck today (ha! Goodluck. That sounds completely wrong, but hopefully you will get what i mean), my thoughts are with you. Draw strength from me if you need to.
Lori, I have been where you are, I have sat, in my 20's at my husband's funeral holding my baby, thinking this isn't real. This is the most horrendous, most difficult thing you will go through, but in time it get's better, every day slowly but surely life goes back to "new" normal, your new normal life as a widow and you will be ok! You will see Tony in your children as they grow up and it will make you smile, a little frown, a mannerism in your children and there will be a time that it will make you smile, remembering him, rather than cry. Although that will always break you heart that he isn't there to see them himself.
Hugs for tomorrow, it will be a difficult day, but with the support of family and friends you will make it through xx
I hope you are surrounded by those that loved Tony and their happy memories today and that will give you peace to sleep tonight if only for a little while Lori. Thinking of you.
Karen
I can't imagine how you are feeling. Life is so fucked up at times. Take care of yourself. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
We're with you, even we virtual strangers, feeling your pain, hoping to stem the agony, wanting you to know you will never be alone. Keep the words flowing, you have a story that must be told, with lessons we should all heed. Breathe, one breath at a time, step, one step at a time. You are strong, you are brave and you will make your Tony, and your children proud xx
Lori, be prepared to feel all strength that you have gathered by now simply wash away during the ceremonial. it makes things incredibly more real in the space of a few minutes. let it all out, it's ok, it can't stay inside.
We will all be there with you, in thought, for you and your little ones, for Tony, and for everything that is fucking unfair and fucked up in this world.
you're an awesome chick i can tell that just from reading your blog and we all want you to keep on writing about everything, with the lucidity, the twisted humour, and the heart that shines through in your words. you ARE a light, Lori. Shine on. x
Love and so much love to you my brave friend.xxxxx
You are in my thoughts today, Lori. I see you managing this blackest day with courage and with grace. x
Ahhh, Lori. Keep on talking. I know the heat of a stigma and that discomfort of which you speak. It'll sometimes take a lot of strength to keep going and keep expressing what you need to, but at the end of the day, it's actually easier than the alternative xxxx
I know you're going to anyway, because you're unstoppable and gorgeous, but Lori you know you don't *have* to write that post to your community. We've rallied because you're loved. Your husband is loved. So if you get to next week and that post is still not formed in your head, don't pressure yourself just because you stated out loud that you'd be doing one. (I'm just sayin')
A massive hug imagined being given to you, wish I could give it in person for today.
Standing in the fire with you is far from uncomfortable Lori, it's an honour. Thank you for letting us in xLisa Lou
Thinking of you today. Say goodbye with grace and love just as all will carry you with grace and love xx
Beautiful Lori, we will all be sending you strength and love today. This is something no one should have to endure, let alone someone as special as you.xxx
Yes, fucked is the right word. There is no right or wrong in this. Keep writing. Keep your voice, we will be here to listen.
I'm thinking of you.
strength to you for today. xxxx
Keep talking and writing Lori. One of the worst things I did when my mum and step father died was to NOT talk about it to anyone. So no-one talked to me about it. When really I just wanted to scream. Keep your voice loud and know that the support out here for you will be strong. We are not only good writers, we are good listeners. xxx
Came over from Miss Ruby's blog, and I just wanted to express my condolences. What a horrible thing for you have to deal with! My thought will be with you tomorrow.
You are brave Lori, but even more than that, you are real. Thinking of you. what a crap phrase, but I am. Thinking and praying and hoping, and knowing that you can get through it today. All my love Vicki xx
Lori, My arms are wrapping around you even more tightly today as I think of what you are having to face today. Love and strength to you xx
Standing with my virtual hand on your shoulder Lori. ((((hugs)))) to you all today and every day xo
Yes, it's fucked.
Sending you strength to get through today. I hope you are uplifted and heartened as you are surrounded by everyone that loved Tony also. I hope they tell some great stories and everyone has a laugh about what a great guy he was. The ritual of a funeral is so important, it has to be done. After that is a minute by minute prospect too. Strength and hugs to you and your babies. xox
Lori, I know today will be one of much sorrow and celebration. Sorrow for what you've lost and celebration of the life and love Tony gave you. Just know that you're in my thoughts.
Yes, it's fucking horrible and I can only hope you can draw strength on everyone who's here supporting you. Much love xx
holding you and giving you strength and love Lori <3 xxx hope you do get some restful sleep soon
((HUGS)) babe xxxxxxxxxxxx
After weeks of grey skies, the sun is shining and the sky is so clear you can see forever. I am singing for you, Lori, singing a song of courage and strength and fucking sorrow all at once. x
We'll be with you in spirit as you bury Tony today. Much love from over here. Not a day has passed where I haven't stopped and thought of you (and prayed too). Praying for strength to get through each day and night. xx
I wish you a beautiful day, Lori, and after that sleep, lots of restful sleep. A big fat hug from me xx
Lori, thinking about you and I will be tomorrow too – just like everyone here. I hope it's a chance to exhale and as you say, to celebrate Tony. Wishing you soft landings dear girl. xxx
Keep on writing honey..do whatever you feel YOU need to do..
Much love xxoo
It is your husband's funeral Lori, your grief. and no one can prescribe how you should be feeling and acting. If people feel uncomfortable about you needing to write or talk or swear, then they don't need to read your posts. You do what you need to do to get through this. We are all behind you and thinking about you today.
xxxCate
Holding you in my thoughts today sweetheart. xxx
I know " good luck " is the wrong expression for tomorrow, but i want to send you good wishes, that you may suffer through tomorrow with good grace, good friends and good memories. Xx
Take care xxxxxxxx
Love you and want to give you strength in this time.
Been a hard few weeks all around.
xxxxxxxxxxxx
I wish this day wasn't happening for you Lori. Be brave and strong for your beautiful children and your beautiful Man and your beautiful self, and if you start to waiver, look around you and draw strength from those with you and those who can't be. Because we all are. With you.
Screw the people that are uncomfortable, you need to do anything that can get you through this as best you can. Scream, swear, write, do whatever you need to, to get by.
And stigma, what the? You are still you, the same you I knew a month ago & the you that is strong enough to recover from anything.
Hopefully after today you can get some sleep. As one part closes of this horrible mess, I hope you get a tiny bit of peace & you can rest.
Love you lots xx
thinking of you and ur kids lori, cant imagine wat u must be feeling, i have never known anyone so strong! ur doing great..stay strong xx we r here for u xxx
No words only love and virtual hugs.
There are no words ((((((HUGS))))))
Thinking of you & your family today.
xx
Best wishes Lori. Thinking of you today. Cyber hugs. x o x o
The closure is one step further into the process. The vile process that is grieving. I will be holding your hand virtually. xx
Riding the waves with you, my love. You will be in my thoughts and prayers all day. Life is a fucker. We'll get through it together. Love you. xo
My thoughts are with you today. You are incredibly strong. You are so inspiring to me. xoxo
My thoughts are with you for Friday. I was very close to being in your position a couple of months ago, so I have a good idea of how much strength you have through this. You are amazing!!!!!!!
xxx
PS Try not to say "Fuck" too much at the service – it scares the grannies and the little men in white jackets might come and get you.
Lori, you have been on my heart for days. I will be praying for you and the kids tomorrow. Rely on others for strength and you have an entire world thinking of you and aching with you. I completely understand that in reality all you want is Tony back and would give anything for that to happen and none of these messages are going to do that, but know each and everyone of us are her when you need us in our own way.
Lori, we will all be with you in spirit tomorrow. Thinking of you.
BuBbles
x.
what ever you need to do – do it
Nothing I say will help so I won't even begin to try.
Cept to say, that tomorrow, as you say one last goodbye – I wish you peace.
He may be physically gone but he will always be with you, forever in the heart and eternally in your memories.
~x~
In the moment you do what you hve to do and that's all you can do. Well wishes for you tomorrow.
P.S. Love the new yellow.
Lori, I love you like mad. My heart breaks for you and I am saying fuck right along with you. And prayers…lots of prayers. xoxo
Keeping you in my thoughts.
Tomorrow will be an intensely private time for you I think…no-one exactly knows what you're experiencing. But there are hundreds – thousands – of us all over the world who will be thinking deeply of you and remembering the Tony you've shown us here. Much love xx
I can not even imagine… I can only compare your loss to the loss of my children and, really, they dont compare. But I do know one thing: you will survive. You will make it. You will go on for your children and for Tony too. And for you. Praying and keeping your family in my heart and prayers.
I am thinking of you and your family.
xxx
xo
You are amazing girl. Love and strength, always x
You could never make me uncomfortable. Keep writing girl, FTW!! x
I will be thinking of you and your family, be strong and allow others to be there for you.
Much love. xx
Your pain is so raw. I'm glad you have this community to turn to and can only hope it helps, in some minute way, to ease your pain over time. x
Just know we are here for you, thinking of you. Tomorrow is going to be so, so hard. Just keep breathing and let others take care of everything else. xxxx
Wishing you much strength for tomorrow. You will be in the thoughts of many
x
YOU are the awesome one…and we are so much better for knowing such a strong amazing woman like yourself….keep writing if it softens the pain just a little..
I'll be thinking of you and your babes tommorrow..I hope you can steal a little sunshine when you think of Tony and the amazing time you shared…
We've all got your hand in ours tomorrow xx
Thinking of you and praying for lots of strength and love to get you through the day. Look after yourself. xx
Hugs. There are no words. Fucked seems about right. Hold tight. We'll be here for you tomorrow/today/next week…
Keep writing Lori, keep looking after YOU and keep celebrating your husbands life, long after tomorrow x
This is your place Lori so you can write whatever you need and want to cause it is fucked!! Super fucked, it shouldn't be happening!! Xoxo Will be there with you as much as you need.
Sweetie try get some rest know that everyone that cares for you are holding you in their thoughts & arms.
(((( Hugs )))) XXXX Kisses XXXX
xxx
You don't have to thank you Lori, watching you continue to put one step in front of the other is thanks enough. I am with you in spirit today x
Thinking of you Lori. You are so incredibly brave and strong to write about it. Keep going.
x
You were my first thought when I woke up this morning, knowing the day that lies ahead for you. Sending you love and strength. xox
You are amazing Lori. When you are going through hell, just keep going.
I don't know what to say to someone who is about to bury their husband, I can't begin to know how that feels. But I am thinking of you. xx
In touch with Brenda this week and I am so very sorry, would have done anything to have been there for you tomorrow. But I am thinking of you with every waking moment. Really.
PS it is totally fucked xox
Hugs to you, sweetie. We love you.
Caring and being with you tomorrow, as always… Your friends here and IRL are here ..take the outstretched hand, and hold it. Much strength to you & hope, love and peace ..as it will come. Denyse xx
Yep. I get it. Hold tight my friend, the ride gets bumpy from there on in.
But I am here. As are many that get the grief road.