Monthly Archives: May 2016
Random Ramblings of a SAHM: Reckless?
Random Ramblings of a SAHM: F*ck.
Random Ramblings of a SAHM: For Any Mother Who May Pass This Way (Nothing funny about this post, folks)
Random Ramblings of a SAHM: The Things We Do For Our Kids…
Random Ramblings of a SAHM: No good deed goes unpunished.
My name is Lori, and I'm a Dirty Smoker. – RRSAHM
My name is Lori, and I’m a Dirty Smoker.
OK. *Deep breath*.
I’ve been meaning to write this post for days. Seriously. But every time I sit down at the computer to do it, the little man who lives in my head and is terribly addicted to that awful nicotine stuff whispers that, perhaps, there are other things that need doing that are far more important.
Bastard.
In fact, he’s trying to do it to me right now. Drag me away from the computer, put the thought of what I’m about to write out of my mind.
Excuse me while I go have a dirty, filthy cigarette. That should calm him down for a good 20 minutes or so.
Righto. *Cough* *hack* *splutter*. Annnnd….. I’m back.
My name is Lori, and I am a dirty smoker.
Have been for years now. Almost 16 years, if I care to think about, which I generally don’t. Depending on what’s going on, I smoke up to a pack a day. (I know, OK? I know).
Cool piccie stolen from this here Tumblr
I am horribly, wickedly addicted to these things.
I’ll give an example of just how addicted. Mark, the guy who is going to be my quit smoking guru, dared to call cigarettes a spade in his correspondence to me. That is, he said- cigarettes are dirty, disgusting and filthy. Undeniably true. But for one irrational moment there, I was offended on behalf of my cigarettes. Offended. On behalf on an inanimate object.
I’ll give that a moment to sink in. Shame, shame, shame.
Hey, it’s not my fault. Actually, it really is. But we’ll blame at least half of it on society, because that makes me feel better.
My dad- and most of his family- were smokers.
Smoking was cool. Not good for me, duh, I knew that. But so aloof and dangerous and sexy. Movie stars, they smoked.
From here.
As did all the Tortured, Pensive Artist Types I so admired, back when I was 13 years old.
And this one, from here.
Besides all that, I was 13. Lung cancer was the furthest thing from my mind.
So I pinched my dad’s ciggies, and taught myself to smoke. Taught myself to like it. When I was 16, working, and living with responsible adults who were happy to buy me cigarettes, my habit got worse. Much worse. Up to the pack a day we’re at now.
The only time I’ve been able to effectively quit smoking was during pregnancy. That wasn’t a trial, much. Smoking made me feel sick to the stomach. As did anything else I was silly enough to put in my mouth (Mind out of gutter, people, I don’t put those kind of icky things in my mouth- that’s how we got ourselves into the pregnancy situation in the first place.) I did however, keep up with my one cigarette, my one blessed hit of nicotine a day. And I would think about that cigarette for the whole 23 hours and 55 minutes that I was not smoking it.
Again, I know. Can we spell pathetic?
Anyway. I’m at the point where I’m sick of it. Every cigarette feels like it’s choking me, yet I keep on sucking them down. It annoys me, paying $15- $15!!– for a packet of cigarettes. It stinks. Both the cigarettes, and paying that much money just to inhale crap.
And, as if all that isn’t enough, I have two very small children. I don’t want them to grow up, thinking smoking is normal, or cool. I don’t want them to be smokers.
And I don’t want to die. That’s the crux of it, I think. I don’t want to leave my babies without a mother, any earlier than is absolutely necessary.
So. All that considered, I. Am. Quitting. Smoking, And… cue the deep, scary music. Oh dear holy God what the f*ck am I doing?Wish me luck. And wish the Man, and the kidlets, and the dog and the cat and any idiot or slow-walking person who happens to cross my way luck too. We’ll all need it.
Now, my mate Lucy is the one who officially talked me into this gave me a push in the right direction. She hooked me up with her ate Mark from ThinkSlim and ThinkQuit. And he, bless him, sent me his ThinkQuit pack. It’s pretty damn awesome. A book, DVD, a little mp4 player with all your stuff already programmed in. Muchly nifty.
And the coolest thing….? Well. Your little mp4 player comes in a little cardboard pack- that’s it there, in the picture, that is just like a packet of ciggies. I know, sounds odd, but, hear me out. Instead of taking your cigarettes, you take the box. Replacing a bad habit, with a good one. And it removes that problem of feeling like you are ‘missing something’, especially when you leave the house. Grab purse, phone, keys and little cardboard box.
Bloody brilliant idea.
So that’s where we at, my faithful tribe of jellybean-ers. I will keep you posted. October 9th 16th looks like the date (the 9th is the eve of Bridezilla’s my best mates wedding. it seemed to be perilous, given the amount of fagging on that will be happening.) I plan to be a non-smoker by my birthday. Lucy and Mark both tell me it will all be very zen.
Here’s hoping.
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Random Ramblings of a SAHM: Lucky.
Reiki. – RRSAHM
Reiki.
I had a reiki massage a few weeks ago. It was complimentary of RedBalloon. Choosing a reiki massage as my ‘challenge’ for this RedBalloon Mums round felt like a bit of a cop out. But after swimming with sharks, skydiving, canyoning, trapeze, and stunt driving…. I figured I deserved to take the soft option this time around.
It was one of the better decisions I’ve made. An hour and a half of massage, reiki and some crystal therapy, I was totally, completely blissed out, and stayed that way for days.
Not knowing much about reiki, I had no idea what to expect. Kristen, the massage therapist, showed up full of smiles and radiating positive energy. She came to me. Having a massage at home, not having to disrupt your zen when you go back into the real world once you’ve finished… there’s a lot to be said for that.
Kristen started by giving me a half hour neck and shoulder massage, then turned me over onto my back and started the reiki. It was silent and peaceful and I may have have been half–dozing and occasionally snoring slightly. Also, I could vaguely hear my very naughty cat drinking from the bowl of water Kristen had put out for crystal cleansing purposes. That was slightly disconcerting.
Not that any of that matters. Google tells me that the aim of reiki is to raise your life force energy. Low life force energy makes you feel tired and stressed. A high life force energy allows you to feel healthier and happier.
I’m not sure how much I believe in that- I don’t now enough about it to make any kind of call on its authenticity. All I can say is that I was more relaxed after my reiki treatment than I have been in months. It made me feel better physically- I’m more flexible and have more energy. It’s been good for my mental health.
And the effect has been lasting- I’ve felt just that little bit better, in every way, ever since.
***
Thanks to the team at Digital Parents Collective for inviting me to be a part of the RedBalloon Experience Program. Stay tuned- more awesomeness over the next few months. As always, all opinions are my own (because no one else would want them…?) however the experiences are complimentary.
And, just for jellybeans, there’s a special offer for RRSAHM readers-
Receive $20 off when you spend $79 or more on any RedBalloon experience!
Visit www.redballoon.com.au & enter the code RedBlog14 at the checkout to receive your discount.
Code can only be used once per person. All purchases are subject to RedBalloon T&Cs –
Expiry: 31/12/2014
Receive $20 off when you spend $79 or more on any RedBalloon experience!
Visit www.redballoon.com.au & enter the code RedBlog14 at the checkout to receive your discount.
Code can only be used once per person. All purchases are subject to RedBalloon T&Cs –
Expiry: 31/12/2014
Leave a Comment
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
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March 14, 2014 at 1:21 am -
A long time friend swore by Reiki in the early 90s. He also managed to get rid of Non-Hogkins Lymphoma using a combination of diet, reiki, and natural oxygen therapy (ie, walking 3 km along the beach every morning). Anyone I’ve spoken to who has had experience with reiki have always had positive stuff to say about it. I should hunt down a practitioner up here in the boondocks
Shouldn’t be hard. Plenty of old school hippies and alternative lifestylers who would have been practicing for years (I hope).
Brad (Griff) recently posted…It Rains Here But It Stays Beautiful
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March 10, 2014 at 8:17 am -
I was having a massage on average every second day while I was overseas. The physical benefits are so amazing, but there’s really something to be said of having an hour of peace, to be alone inside your head with all of that relaxing going on… I wish I could keep up the schedule here.
Glad it helped you!
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March 10, 2014 at 1:57 am -
Well, I have to say, I can’t blame you for taking the “soft” option! You’re certainly braver than me because I’m not sure I could ever swim with a shark, skydive or do any of the other things you mentioned. Mind you, I’ve never had a Reiki massage either, so that’s going on my “To Do list”!
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Next post: Magic.
Random Ramblings of a SAHM: So… now what?
Random Ramblings of a SAHM: So… now what?
Random Ramblings of a SAHM: Another New House In Paradise….
Random Ramblings of a SAHM: Hanging… On…In….There.
Random Ramblings of a SAHM: The Crappest GiveAway Ever (really, this time)
RRSAHM — Random Ramblings of a Stay At Home Mum — Page 2
This post bought to you by Nuffnang and Uncle Tobys.
***
It doesn’t matter how much ‘better’ I feel about the world, how settled and happy I am feeling with this new life, this Melbourne life… mornings suck. Mornings always have sucked. I am not a morning person.
I was asked to write this post and describe my dream morning. Lots of examples were given- breakfast in bed. Waking up on the beach. Showering under a waterfall.
All of those sound lovely. But if I was honest, my dream morning wouldn’t be a morning at all. It would involve sleeping until at least noon, snuggled up in bed next to the Amazing Man. No children screaming at me to get out of bed and make them breakfast at 6am.
Anyway. That’s a highly unrealistic expectation. Let’s pull this back into the realm of real life, where mornings start early and are, currently, freezing cold.
I don’t function properly until at least 10am. And half the important stuff happens before that. Getting kid dressed and fed, lunches made, the school drop-off completed. Some days all my energy has evaporated by 9am, used up simply by the act of getting myself and the kidlets out of the house.
In an ideal world, I’d start my day with 10 minutes of yoga. Instead, I spend the first half an hour curled up on the lounge, two small-ish bodies curled around me in improbable ways, kicking their icy cold feet in my back.
Ideally, the Bump and the Chop would get themselves dressed, brush their own teeth and put their shoes on, all without being asked six thousand times. They would not fight, or roll their eyes at their unreasonable mother who is just trying to get them to school on time. They would not screech at me, or at each other. There would never be a morning where I stand in the kitchen cursing because there is no fruit for school today, after forgetting to buy it the night before.
In the real world, there’s arguing and grumpiness. There are school clothes thrown on five minute before we leave the house. Some days, lunches are haphazard and less than nutritionally perfect.
Most mornings are laced with a hefty dose of parental guilt.
I hate mornings.
***
Uncle Tobys sent me some of their Oats Quick Sachets for the kidlets and myself to try. I think they’re attempting to make mornings more bearable. It actually kind of works. The kidlets still screech at each other- and me- but a lot of the time it’s screeching over who gets to choose their Oats flavour first. Which I understand. There are Creamy Honey, Apple and Berry; and they are all quite yummy. Nom nom. There’s something therapeutic about a warm, creamy bowl of oats on a Melbourne winter morning.
The Oats have this thing where you can use the empty sachets to add your milk to the dry mix. The sachets even have a line marked on them to show you where to fill them to, in order to have the perfect amount to pour in. The novelty of that has not worn off on the kids. Or me. And it means less washing up for us. Which is awesome because I still have not dealt with the fact that we don’t have a dishwasher.
And, let’s face it, it’s oats we’re talking about here. They are creamy and good and nutritionally sound. I can’t imagine a better winter breakfast. Take that, mummy guilt.
Happy kids. Guilt-free me. Easier mornings. It’s a win, win, win situation, really.
***
One lucky RRSAHM reader will win $50 in Uncle Tobys product and a $200 Red Balloon voucher towards your own ‘dream morning’ experience. Just leave a comment answering the question – How would Uncle Tobys Quick Sachets help you achieve your dream morning?
Giveaway ends 11 July, 5:00 AEDST. T’s&C’s can be found here. Happy comping!!
{ 26 comments }
This post bought to you by Nuffnang and Mercedes-Benz Valente.
***
Mercedes-Benz Valente offered to lend me a car. I’m not sure anyone told them about my reputation as a totally terrible driver. Which is good. Because had they known, they might not have wanted to hand over the keys.
And the people mover they lent me was seriously awesome. Not only has the Valente been named People Mover of The Year for 2012 and 2013, it was also comfy and stylish and so big that the Bump took to playing hide and seek in the back of it.
I was instructed to take the Valente and the kidlets, and go on a day trip. Considering there are a about a hundred places around Melbourne we haven’t been, choosing somewhere to go was difficult. We settled on a one hour drive to Arthurs Seat to visit the Enchanted Maze.
It actually felt a bit odd, going out with just the three of us. The Most Amazing Man had to work, so he couldn’t come with us. With the exception of our epic road trips to Sydney, we’re used to doing pretty much everything as a family of four. I hadn’t realised how used to it I’d become. The kids felt it too. “We will have to tell the Most Amazing man about this. He would love this”, says the Chop.
We got lost in mazes. We played giant Snakes and Ladders. We trudged great big heavy inflatable tyres up a steep hill over and over and over, so we could ride the Tyre Slide back down.
There is one particularly terrifying attraction at the Enchanted Maze– the 3D indoor maze, designed to be as scary as possible. We were about 4 turns into it– just that little bit too far to go back– when I realised that this probably wasn’t a great idea, and that I may have just sentenced my kids to a few nights worth of bad dreams. The figures on the wall seem to move and seethe and I’m scared, so I figure the kidlets must be.
The Chop said he wasn’t afraid, but having made it through once was certainly not going back in. Much to the Bump’s disappointment. She was terrified and I ended up carrying her most of the way. But as soon as she got out she just wanted to go in again. “Do you like being scared?” I ask her, and I see her think about it for a moment, then nod.
Watching these little people learn about themselves is fascinating.
Both kidlets crashed within minutes of being back in the Valente. The model I got to drive was an 8 seater people mover with sliding doors on both sides and conference seats– three seats facing forward and three facing backward so the kidlets could sit opposite each other, which they thought was the most exciting thing ever.
The Valente was massive but drove so well– it took the curvy road up to Arthurs Seat like it was on rails. Being in the driver’s seat felt high up and safe. It has a five star ANCAP rating and something called Adaptive ESP, which actually compensates for the weight distribution of your passengers in an emergency.
The Valente has separate air con controls and speakers for the back. It also had bluetooth, three sunroofs and a stack of other groovy features. I felt like the most stylish mum ever at school pick up- the Valente has that Mercedes look to it with alloy wheels and tinted windows.
And it was so easy to drive. Given my (not completely unfounded) bad driver reputation, I was more than a little bit scared when I saw the size of the Valente. But I even managed to reverse it backwards down a tiny street with cars parked on each side (with the assistance of the reversing sensors) after I got lost for the millionth time trying to navigate home from South Melbourne. (Getting lost in Melbourne is a regular occurrence for me. Still.)
Anyway. The Valente is awesome and you should totally buy one. The kidlets rate it a solid five out of five, and were more than a little disappointed that we had to give it back.
***
Thanks to Micheal Flynn at the South Melbourne Mercedes-Benz dealership for letting me take the Valente and trusting me to bring it back in one piece. The dealership was amazing- they even gave me coffee while I waited.
{ 6 comments }
I know… it’s been a while.
And I’m publishing a sponsored post tomorrow- the last one that has to be done, that I lined up before my blogging mojo evaporated a few weeks ago.
I don’t know why. I just can’t write. I look deep into myself, the way I’ve always done, trying to share what’s happening in my head…
And I draw a blank.
Then I worry about having such a weird, contorted form of blogger’s block. Then I worry more because something still feels like I need to write, I just can’t. Then I stress about the people who read this, who care about me, and I feel as though I’m letting them down by not blogging.
Eventually, I get to the point where thinking about blogging at all causes a massive burl of anxiety in my gut. Then I procrastinate, and ignore all of it, and hope it goes away. And it doesn’t and the cycle repeats itself.
I’m not sure where I’m going with this. I’m not at all ready to give up my blog…. I’m selfish, and I want it here when I need it. But I seem to be having some kind of weird internal crisis. And I didn’t want to go and spam you all with another sponsored post without some explanation of where I’ve been, why I’ve been so quiet.
It’s not a good one… but it’s the truth. And it’ll do. For now.
{ 13 comments }
Random Ramblings of a SAHM: The House That Love Built.
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You 404’d it. Gnarly, dude.
Surfin’ ain’t easy, and right now, you’re lost at sea. But don’t worry; simply pick an option from the list below, and you’ll be back out riding the waves of the Internet in no time.
- Hit the “back” button on your browser. It’s perfect for situations like this!
- Head on over to the home page.
- Punt.
Random Ramblings of a SAHM: Sedation
stuff that makes me happy
stuff that makes me happy
I’m low on sunshine, the doctor says. It’s funny because that’s exactly how I feel.
I have blood drawn, thick and sticky-red, and the tests come back saying I am low on Vitamin D
I don’t know how, says the Most Amazing Man. You sit in the sun more than anyone I know.
And that’s true- I am a reptile, a cold blooded mammal. I am a sun seeker. I crave the warmth soaking into my skin. Without even conciously realizing it, I trace its path across the backyard, sunning myself whenever I can.
I bask in the warmth and sunshine of Sydney while I’m there, and the few hot days we have in Melbourne on my return.
***
I feel a bit like myself again, after days spent with my family and friends. There’s something replenishing about being with people who know you, know all your nuances and downfalls and quirks, and love you any way. Right now, I feel sunny again.
I’m trying to have faith in the universe. I’m hanging onto a thread of feeling ‘normal’ again, hoping it doesn’t disappear.
But the ground feels shaky. And they say the rain is going to set in again.
{ 7 comments }
I have a list of things that I will do… one day.
One day, when my children are much older, I will learn to sew, without worrying over tiny feet and sharp needles and pins on my floor.
One day.
One day, when they can take care of themselves, I will do frivolous things for the fun of it. I will take up basket weaving, or jewellery making. I will learn Arabic and swing-dancing.
One day I’m going to wake up every day and read a book for half an hour before I get out of bed. One day, I’m going to have time to paint my toenails a different colour every week.
One day, I will take up yarn-bombing and pilates.
Years from now, when all this time consuming child-rearing is over, I’m sure I will be searching for new things to do. Things to fill the time that used to be filled with tiny growing people.
One day.
{ 7 comments }
This post is not sponsored. It’s just about a product I genuinely love, and the chance for you to win some for your kidlets.
I blogged a little while back about my daughter’s love of make up, and the awesome natural play make-up stuff we’d been sent. Almost eighteen months later, Pure Poppet is still an absolute favourite toy in our house.
While the Chop is far too old and cool to let me face paint him these days, the Bump is still very much the girly girl she was back then- even more so now, perhaps. She does ‘make-overs’ on herself, and me, and the cat if he sits still for long enough.
And she really, really likes making a mess.
Which is why we like Pure Poppet so much. It’s pretty, sparkly eye shadow in colours for kids- pink and purple and green and yellow and blue. It washes out and off of everything- including faces- really easily. And as you can clearly see from the beautiful job the Bump has done on herself, she can even get it all over her eyelashes, and eyeballs themselves, without it being itchy or irritating.
As well as that, Pure Poppet has other products that make make-up something kids can actually play with. They have perfume that’s just lavender oil and water. They have bright, colourful play crayons to use with stencils. And they have water based nail polish that washes out of and off everything. It’s completely non-toxic and kid friendly. The nail polish comes in pink and purple and is another one of the Bump’s favourite.
As I said, I genuinely love this brand because it’s just a brilliant idea. It lets kids play tactical dress ups and be like adults, without the huge mess and nasty chemical stuff.
Last time I wrote about Pure Poppet, I had to take one jellybean off their almost perfect score for the price of the product. This time round, I’m giving it back. The range of products is now much bigger and sold in different sets which are much more affordable. And, given the hours of play we’ve had with our Pure Poppet stuff over the eighteen months, it’s totally worth the money.
So that a big five out five jellybeans for Pure Poppet. For being the most awesome just-for-fun kids product out there.
***
While we’re on being awesome, I’ve got a $100 Pure Poppet gift voucher to be won. Just fill in the form below and answer the question- What’s messy, but fun? You’ve got until midnight Sunday 27th of October to enter.
The winner will be whichever answer I decide I like best, for whatever reason, at the time. The winner will be contacted by email and has 72 hours with which to respond. This one’s open to Australian residents only. My decision is the final word and no bitching, whinging, nor compromising shall be entered into.
{ 6 comments }
The BabySitting Equation. – RRSAHM
The BabySitting Equation.
Carry the six,
Let’s talk about babysitting, shall we?
I see that statement being greeted with wry smiles by the mums and dads. And the eyes of the non-parents gradually glazing over…. and there they go…
Anyway. As I said, babysitting. You may remember a time- I certainly do- when your first child was tiny and soft and new and sweet and smelt of milk, and you had lots of people offering to baby sit them for you. Not that you took them up on the offer. You couldn’t bear to be parted with the little angel, leaving them only with your partner for a few hours at a time.
Fast forward a few months, perhaps a few years, and you get to a point where actually would like- or, conversely, would need– some time out from this screaming, snotty, food-covered little monster of child that demands all you attention 24 hours a day…. and all your babysitters have mysteriously disappeared.
Hmmm.
Let’s examine this further.
There are, I think, three basic types of babysitters.
The Paid Babysitter- Not as common as American tween novels would have you believe, it seems. Which is baffling. Why would someone not want to leave their children with a teenager they hardly know who is being paid $10 an hour…? The mind boggles.
Friends as Babysitters- These are either friends of yours who don’t have kids- it’s preferable that they have had had some child-minding experience, or have some kind of degree in kid-wrangling, so you can be confident they kind of know what they are doing. Perhaps more so than you do. Unfortunately, these are also the people most likely to mind the tiny wriggly newborn, then vanish-poof!- once said newborn becomes a toddler.
The second category here is friends who have children themselves. In which case, you will be expected to perform reciprocal babysitting jobs. I have never taken anyone up on this offer, because it scares the sh*t outta me. Look at what I to my own kids. I don’t want to be responsible for anyone else’s.
Family as Babysitters- Namely, grandparents. Who will tell you they adore it, but still pause slightly when you ask- juuuuust long enough for the corrosive mummy guilt to kick in. (Am I asking them too often…? Are my kids that badly behaved…? Do they think I’m a bad mum…?)Random People Off the Street as BabySitters- This actually doesn’t go down too well with anyone, surprisingly. The kids, husband, cops, DOCS. Again, the mind boggles.
And that’s it. So, as we can see, options are, generally, fairly limited.
If you happen to need a babysitter, for any reason- say, a medical appointment, some time to dance in the forest naked and reclaim your sanity, a fake medical appointment so you don’t feel so guilty about taking time to dance naked in the forest and reclaim your sanity, to go out to dinner with your husband, or, if you’re anything like my mate Lucy, to go parking and get the windows all steamy like a couple of teenagers (gooooo Lucy!!); your chances of actually getting a babysitter are effected by the following factors-
Age of your children- The older you’re kids are, the easier they are to care for (generally speaking), and therefore more likely to get a babysitter you are. Newborns *ahem* are the exception. And children over 10 years of age, who no longer need a babysitter (Right? Right!)
The Number of children that need to be sat on–Evidently, the more kids that need to be babysat, the more difficult it is to rope someone in.
Number of babysitters available- Who are sane, clean, responsible, haven’t been charged with any major criminal offenses, are not drug addicts, and have read up on the new baby and child restraint safety laws.
I know. Confusing much, yes? It’s OK. Don’t panic. I’ve actually put it into a mathematical diagram for you. Really. Seriously. What are you laughing at?
All you do is plug your numbers in, and compare your score to the scale. And, as usual, click to read the fine print, mmmkay?
For example *ahem*-I have 2 kids, the oldest of which is (almost) 3. Times this age by possible babysitter- let say for a nighttime shag fest dinner date- which is 3 (my mum, my mother in law and Auntie Mickey) and you get a score of 9. Divide that by how many kids I have-2– and we a score of 4 and a half.
And, when we compare this to chart, as we can see, things are not looking good.
Let’s try this again. Imagine we have 2 children. The oldest of which is 9. And 5 possible babysitters (ha!).That gives you (9 x 5)/ 2 = 22. And a half. Off the freaking scale. You lucky imaginary bastards.
So there you go. That’s the equation, and it’s copyright. My head hurts from thinking so much about it. Really. Test it out, on your own situation, let me know if I really am a mathematical genius. Or is this actually just a f*cking stupid formula and this whole post makes me look like a dumbarse?
Looking forward to your input. Thanks much.
Leave a Comment
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
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October 23, 2010 at 6:21 pm -
There is another option. The babysitting circle. No money, no guilt. Perfect.
As long as you're kids are the type not to wake up after bedtime. Babysitting is an excuse to put your feet up and watch the television your other half doesn't like you watching. Not to, um, baby-sit their children.M2M
- October 13, 2010 at 4:55 pm
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This post a good information and each word blog conveys a meaning.Babysitting Jobs
- October 13, 2010 at 7:26 am
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I think I will end up in the negatives, stay tuned in a few weeks for my blog post that will be about me having my first night away from my kids in nearly FIVE years, yes, other than giving birth, which doesn't count cos the new baby was technically there, I have never had a night away from Popps. When family is not close, what can you do?
- October 13, 2010 at 2:25 pm
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Ok when i was 12 it was totally feasible to think you may be responsible enough to look after another persons kids for cash.. I had also carried the key to the house around my neck since the age of 7 and let my 8 year old sister and 5 year old brother into the house after catching the bus home by ourselves, where we would play, do home work, fix a small snack, and wait till mum got home at around 5:30. I remember being put to bed and mum and dad would go out and a neighbor would have apparently come to check on us i don't think i was over the age of 10. tell me what you think of this.
- October 13, 2010 at 3:12 am
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I don't see this working out. i am sorry but if I have four kids with ages 12, 9. 8, and 2… I don't think I would get a good possibility. Or am I missing something with this equation? I would think the less kids the better possibility… right?
It's a cute idea though
Thanks for sharing. - October 12, 2010 at 10:14 pm
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Lol, you make me chuckle! No one except the Grandparents want to look after twins. People always think it is far harder then it actually is – or is just that they hate my kids??
Mich x
- October 12, 2010 at 8:00 pm
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lol.
I hate to throw a spanner into your (very well thought out) works, but I actually score a 5, which is higher than you, and given that I have four, five and under including twins, something seems remiss!
I think you need to add an element to your equation to factor in multiple births
- October 12, 2010 at 7:40 pm
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Lori, Lori, Lori! You do make me smile!! I need to lie down now though after all that maths!
- October 12, 2010 at 6:39 pm
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I would trust you to babysit my child… And I suspect the princess would actually have a waaay better time at your house than she does at home
- October 12, 2010 at 1:38 pm
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So true Lori! The only person I can ask to watch my 2 is my Mum and I don't like to do it often. Surely date nights only exist in the minds of self-help authors and Hollywood screenwriters?!
- October 12, 2010 at 12:25 pm
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I have 2 teenagers so THANK GAWD I dont have to think about this anymore. Wonder if I can apply this to housesitters though, I need a holiday. Need to think of a formula to apply to one house, 3 pets and a large garden that needs watering.
- October 12, 2010 at 11:46 am
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LOL, too true. Unfortunately, my very well paid, just-past-teenage, uni student babysitter is the most reliable I have. Family, yes, that hesitation and the guilt is exactly right, or the fact that they just don't call you back when they get your message, or that they are extremely busy, even though they tell you just to ask when you need to! Obviously I have issues here so I will just be quiet now
- October 12, 2010 at 11:21 am
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Yep. I'm on a 4. One 4yo, pretty much one babysitter option (who, as it happens, is coming tonight at 5.30 WOOOOOT! but let's not get too excited, the last time they babysat for us the 4yo was a 2yo).
LOVE this. It works, spot on. And where are those lucky imaginary bastards? I want to lay into them.
- October 12, 2010 at 10:13 am
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I didnt know you were an algebra professor Lori…. luckily, Flynn is still small enough ( and cute enough ) that my parents and siblings dont mind babysitting. Also, that Babysitters Club brings back lovely childhood memories…i soooooo wanted to be Claudia!
- October 12, 2010 at 9:26 am
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As a former childcare worker and babysitter extrodinaire…uhh, no way do i want to watch other people's kids!!
Lol.
Having your kids does that to you doesn't it?
You suddenly can't stand anyone else's children, all your patience is zapped into your own.
This being said, our babysitting options are minimal…like, um, one person. My mother (ok we will include my father, but really, he doesn't "watch" them), who luckily happily watches Master B and cannot wait to take Master D for a sleepover once he's given up the boob.
My younger sister, unfortunately cannot be trusted to care for a house plant let alone mischievious children. Bugger huh? Perfect candidate! - October 12, 2010 at 8:50 am
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You mean large pets don't qualify as a babysitting option? Well, that puts us really far down on the scale then.
- October 12, 2010 at 8:46 am
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My barely awake eyes got confused when the numbers came into it. Haha.
I am about to have my second child so no doubt I wont get time for a shag for agessss now.
Bugger. - October 12, 2010 at 7:39 am
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no no – not stupid. I am very interested in your formula. (are you suffering nicotine withdrawals and have gone delerious?) xo
- October 12, 2010 at 7:26 am
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Yep. Just as I expected, we are in the Don't Hold Your Breath Category. It's the possible babysitters factor that pulls us down. Fortunately, we are on the verge of leaving them home on their own for a bit…in another year or so.
- October 12, 2010 at 7:25 am
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I'm a nanny/babysitter, so from my side of the fence, babysitting is GREAT. It's the easiest money I'll ever make! Being paid to sit through Disney movies, play toy trains and have my hair completely fucked up by a 5 year old wannabe hairdresser?! YES PLEASE.
But yeah…. I suppose babysitting might be seen by parents as a giant pain in the arse. I'll get back to you in 10-15 years time when I've had the chance to test that equation on my own future children xx
- October 12, 2010 at 7:24 am
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Steamy windowed parking queen here. As soon as I started reading this post, I found myself whistfully (and lustfully) thinking about "must get a babysitter".
We are lucky. We have friends with grown up kids who can deal with our three once a month and they all get a kick out of it.
Off to ring them now……
LOVE your formula…..
xx
- October 12, 2010 at 10:19 am
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My Mum's my own personal babysitting service but she works on Sundays which makes it hard to conduct the usual Saturday night shagfest
Just yesterday my sister & I were talking about an upcoming halloween party a friend is having, I said I was having trouble finding convincing Mum to look after the kids and she says "God, don't they have a Babysitter's club or something like those books?" HAHAHAHAHA
- October 12, 2010 at 10:02 am
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My god you are so spot on I think you may have magical powers. Even the formula is spot on, I got 2.6 which is exactly right, I'm not likely to get a babysitter unless I'm dying in hospital.
Millions of people wanted to baby sit the newborns. Where are they now? huh? WHERE ARE THEY NOW!?? (you bastards)
xo
- October 12, 2010 at 8:35 am
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Thankfully my kids are grown and gone, and I'm the grandma who gets roped in now and then. I do set a limit; I don't do sleepovers. A few hours or a full day are the most I can take at this point in time. I have two sets I babysit for occasionally: Two boys that are 8 and 3, and a boy 9 and his 6 year old sister. They are good kids all, but I don't have the energy I had in my youth.
Previous post: Good Things Come in Small Packages.
Milk – RRSAHM
Milk
I have dreamed, off and on- more, recently, now I sleep un-medicated. I dream of standing in the shower in my friend Auntie Mickey’s house, where I spent those horrific days between ICU and funeral, my breasts running with milk, overflowing with the elixir of human life, white liquid escaping in uneven spurts and melting into watery rivulets that slide sown my skin and past my bellybutton. The tight feeling of engorgement in my chest, the heat of breastfeeding a newborn in my nipples.
I think it may be my body, weeping. For my small, young family that did not quite feel complete.
****
I am so jealous, it catches me in the middle and pulls at me. To witness a young family- mother, father, children complete- it aches me deep down, somewhere primal.
52 months I spent with Tony. 18 of them married. 17 of them pregnant. And 28 of them breastfeeding. Our relationship was all about creating life, and we reveled in that. My daughter weaned herself just two months before Tony died.
The traditions, the language, the nuances that make up the nucleus of a family… I watch the rhythm of them, the comfort of it, the shared history and mutual understanding; I hear the beat of it in other people’s lives and it makes me want to sob at the unfairness of it, the ridiculous anti-equilibrium it has created for my children and I.
The brightness, the perfection, the smugness of my perfect nuclear family…. it was beautiful but now it’s gone, and it will never be recreated. Things will be good again, if I have any say in it all… but the gossamer strings that held in place that perfect life are gone.
I will replace it. With the vision of a kick arse single mum, who does what she has to do for her kids. A family, with a bit missing, like a limb that will heal with a scar. But heal it will. There will be- is- something beautiful about our new family dynamic, a grittiness and a closeness, an appreciation and empathy and a deep, big love.
A nuclear family, it’s not the be-all-and-end-all, not the only thing to aspire to.
But I loved it so much…. I was so happy with what I had.
This is not what I expected. But things haven’t been, not for months now… I’m beginning to stop expecting at all.
Leave a Comment
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
- June 29, 2011 at 11:18 pm
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Amazing and beautiful!
- June 29, 2011 at 8:57 pm
- June 29, 2011 at 4:03 pm
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Then, Lori, your big love will be what defines your family, not the scar.
And it will make passing nuclear families stop and gasp and ache deep down with its beauty and completeness.
- June 29, 2011 at 2:03 pm
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Kickarse indeed! Hugs.x
- June 29, 2011 at 1:09 pm
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I posted nearly the same sentiment yesterday, but your words say it so much more eloquently. The jealousy for that "perfect nuclear family" is unbearable sometimes.
At other times, I stand tall and proud, holding my boys' hands, knowing that we are just right, as we are.
Hugs…
- June 29, 2011 at 3:15 am
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Beautiful.
- June 29, 2011 at 1:51 am
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I was fine until this paragraph:
"I think it may be my body, weeping. For my small, young family that did not quite feel complete."….. then I burst into tears.
Lori, I feel such empathy for you and your little ones.
xx
- June 28, 2011 at 9:12 pm
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As someone who had a kick arse single mum I know you'll be completely awesome.
- June 28, 2011 at 9:05 pm
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Oh it's so unfair. No one should have to endure what you are enduring. You should have your perfect foursome.
You are amazing, though. Your tenacity, your strength, your ability to write so honestly and beautifully. It's so amazing.
Lots of love. - June 28, 2011 at 8:41 pm
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You made my breasts ache, Lori. That might sound weird – but you perfectly described that feeling of having your milk pour from you in torrents of grief. Your milk might have dried up now, but the love that pours from you to your children would absolutely cover them from head to toe. Lots of love xxxxx
- June 28, 2011 at 7:56 pm
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Lori, I have followed before during and after Tony and I just want to say (AGAIN) how brave and awesome you are.
Brave, for sharing your feelings (good or bad) with us on yer blog. Awesome, because you have taken us with you on your journey.
I have great respect for you and I'm glad to see you and your blog's progression.
You're brilliant, Lori!
- June 28, 2011 at 7:19 pm
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I cant believe how such emotional agony can compel you to write such beautiful words Lori. Seriously – you amaze me…
- June 28, 2011 at 6:30 pm
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You're sleeping unmedicated? Well done. Let the dreams happen, it's your subconscious working out your feelings and problems.
- June 28, 2011 at 3:44 pm
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It will always be hard…what you lost is an innate want in every human soul.
And your children, while already going through hard times now, will continue to miss Tony as they get older and grieve for the things they will never share with him, The Bump – her wedding day, The Chop – his first car.
But the admiration and respect that they will have for you, as but one person, to endure the loss, the grief, the pain and take it all on as your own while bringing them up to be worthwhile, decent and capable human beings.
They will NEVER be able to comprehend how you were able to perform such an amazing feat and they will NEVER let themselves take that for granted or feel able to show the depth of their gratitude.
But they will know, and they will love you all the more for it.
- June 28, 2011 at 3:33 pm
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The complete families get to me, too. Though, from the outside, mine looks like one. My loss is more invisible.
I could very much relate to this post though. And I also just read your post on your daughter weaning. Our first experiences with breastfeeding our boys could not have been more similar! He too probably "should" have been a formula fed baby, but I was stubborn if nothing else. I got to 15 months with him, and he weaned when I was preg again. I'm 31 weeks now, so I hope I have a lovely experience with my next child, just as you did with your daughter.
xo - June 28, 2011 at 2:53 pm
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Your jealously is sooo understandable – and yet beyond my comprehension, really.
It must be gut wrenching at the tamest.
And, yes, your new reality has some amazing qualities – the closeness and intensity of the bond between you and your little people will be forever.
- June 28, 2011 at 2:09 pm
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i seriously admire your strength in this situation. as it's something i could not deal with.
- June 28, 2011 at 2:00 pm
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It's so not fair, the life that got torn from you. I read here often, watching you, kicking arse. xx
- June 28, 2011 at 1:51 pm
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wow lori. your words, my thoughts, though our situations are so different i totally understand the feeling of my body weeping, though for me it was after my daughter Peyton passing, when my milk was still so present. And the jealousy, at seeing the young families, the complete families. I know of that deep yearning and aching at seeing waht seemingly comes so easily all around. Beautiful, poignant, painful post. I also read the one about your daughter weaning. That was beautiful as well. It renewed in me an appreciation for the act of breastfeeding. I am doing it. I am in the thick of it. Your post helped me to step back and see the beauty.
- June 28, 2011 at 9:54 pm
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I completely understand your jealousy. As you say, the nuclear family isn't the only thing to aspire to, not the be-all-and-end-all, but you were happy and of course you miss it; of course you want it back.
I've learned the hard way that expectation only brings disappointment. Also, it's when you don't expect them that good things happen. And you are one kick-ass single mom!!
HUG!
Previous post: You, Me And The Rainbow
Next post: Nature, Nurture and The Memories In Between.
The Anti-Fashionista – RRSAHM
The Anti-Fashionista
Language warning- severe overuse of the word “fashion”.
S’up comrades,
In one of the not-so-cool facts about my otherwise pretty-awesome-in-general- life, I suck at fashion.
Surprised? Not… really? One can’t blame you. We’ve all seen me vlog in my very daggy grey cardi.
I am, most definitively, a jeans and tee shirt kinda chick. I wear jeans. And a t-shirt. When it’s cold, the t-shirt is long sleeved, and I add a daggy grey cardigan of some description. When it’s hot, the jeans become shorts, and the tee shirt is more of the ‘singlet top’ variety.
For the most part, I’m OK with being an anti-fashionista. It’s not that I don’t like fashion. I do. It’s not that I don’t like shoes. I really, really do. (Remind me to over-share about my massive, mostly unworn shoe collection another day, OK? OK.)
It’s just that I cannot pull this fashion stuff off. If I tried to wear this…
I stole this pic from here. Ner.
…to the movies (I actually saw someone wearing something very similar to this to the movies a couple of weeks ago. On a Sunday. A Sunday. A Sunday in the Purple House doesn’t even qualify for jeans. I was wearing my yummy mummy tailored tracksuit pants), I would be carrying those bloody shoes, my hair would have fuzzed in the air con and I would have choptop ice cream drops down both my cleavage and my decolletage. (I think they may actually be the same thing. Or, possibly, that decolletage is not actually the word I’m after and doesn’t belong in this context at all. Whatever.)
I’m also a massive tight arse. I refuse to pay more than $20 for a shirt, $30 for a cardigan, $50 for a pair of jeans, and $100 $70 $50 $30 for a pair of shoes. Which means that even when I do find a fashion that tickles my Prada, my tight-arsedness will not actually allow me to purchase it. The Man is an even bigger tight arse than I. (And proud of it). And it seems to be a muchly contagious condition.
Anywhatsits. While I am a jeans and tee shirt, or jeans and shirt and cardi, or shorts and a singlet top kinda chick, and a tight arse, I am continually in awe of these awesome women who can actually buy fashion, wear it with other fashion, and look hot. Look comfortable. Look like they just stepped out of a magazine, and they wear this stuff all the time. Because they do. They never look uncomfortable.,and like they feel like everyone’s staring at them and maybe their undies are showing and why didn’t I just wear jeans and I want to go home.
*Ahem* Sorry. My issues.
Whatever. Fashion women. Cool women. Women like Viv from Ish and Chi and Bec from Girls Gone Child. Who not only wear fashion, but blog it. And make most of the rest of us go “*Sigh*. In my next life, I will be someone who can wear cool clothes and not feel like a d*ck.”
And then there’s… well.. me. Who can’t wear cool clothes, and always feels like a d*ck when she tries to wear cool clothes. The anti fashionista mum. With my anti-fashionista, dressed-in-Best-and-Less kids.
So…. as a tribute, of sorts, to the anti-fashionista mums, the ‘wish-we-were’ mums, the ‘I shop at Targay‘ mums; here is the Anti-Fashionista Fashion Spread. In the..erm.. fashion.. of Ish and Chi and Girls Gone Child.
Lori, wearing…
Daggy grey cardi that I’ve had for years.
Maternity top over long sleeve shirt (I’m not pregnant, it’s comfortable.)
Trackie pants- $6.95 from small cheap shop.
Boots- Purchased three years ago from K-Mart. Notice how the sole has separated from the boot. Classy.
Kidlets (and don’t they look impressed!), wearing…
Chop: Illegal rip off Spiderman shirt from aforementioned cheap shop.
$4 trackie pants from Big W.
Shoes, $10 special from Rivers.
Bump: Hand-me-down red shirt. Liberally stained with milk arrowroot biscuit.
Mismatched socks.
Hand-me-down Pumpkin Patch jeans (score!).
The same dummy she’s had since she was three weeks old (baaaad mummy).
And a frown.
Yuhuh. It ain’t fashion, but it’s what we wear.
Fashionista mums, we salute you.
And the anti-fashionista mums- we salute you, too.
Leave a Comment
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
- June 7, 2012 at 3:46 pm
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LOL Right there with you in the anti-fashion line at the cheap asian shop
- January 9, 2011 at 12:19 pm
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At the risk of gettin' my bony ass kicked chiming in here, I thought I'd throw my two bob's worth anyway! In my work as a Personal Stylist I meet many a beautiful anti-fashionista – and I love 'em all no matter what they want to wear! As long as YOU feel GOOD, and the messages you send to those you care about are in sync with who you are on the inside, then who really gives a diddly what the brand is, or how much it costs?
Clients often try to impress me when showing me their wardrobe, saying "Oh this is my divine *insert said designer label here*. My answer is generally, chop off the label and then tell me if you still love it as much? No one else (I hope?) pulls at your collar to read where your top came from. Does is look/feel good on you? Or did you have to take out a second mortgage just to impress your friends with stories about where you bought what etc?
Labels schmabels. You can look just as good dressed in Vintage (read pre-loved) or High-street (read not exclusive couture/boutiques).
I love your attitude Lori – I love your honesty – I love your blog – and I love the comments from all the other anti-fashionistas too! Think STYLE not fashion girls! Think how you make others feel in your presence – THAT's true style, and Lori you have it coming out your ears!!
Big Al x
- January 8, 2011 at 1:00 am
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Have you been in my wardrobe again?
- January 7, 2011 at 9:55 am
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I'm an inbetweener. I very much want to stick with comfy, practical (because it is!) and cheap as chips, but lately as the baby has continued to grow i've realised i need to put a little more effort in, not just for a public service, but for me, so i walk out of the house and feel a bit better about myself.
That being said, i am still very much a bargain hunter! Some things are just ridiculously priced!
My kids? I've always tried to keep them funky, not in a "they're in the latest fashion" sense, but just so they look nice. When we're at home? Clothing is very much optional and uhh they don't get dressed very often (which cuts down on my laundry too, so double yay?).
But yeah like you said, i mostly feel like a dick when i leave the house in what i class "dressed up" and heels? Hell no. My partner keeps nagging me to wear them, but honestly? I'd like to keep my ankles unbroken kthanx - January 6, 2011 at 9:37 pm
- January 6, 2011 at 9:00 pm
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I also an anti-fashionista and until recently I haven't much cared, but this year I hope to TRY.. it might be a disaster but I want to feel like a woman. Occassionally
- January 6, 2011 at 6:38 pm
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You'd be amazed what I can do with a t-shirt and a pair of jeans to make it feel like an outfit. Most of my clients are mums with little time. They want to look and feel great but with the essential comfort factor.
- January 6, 2011 at 5:42 pm
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Oh my god, Lori, I didn't think it was possible to think you were any cuter. This is me! You have just described me to a T. Shirt.
- January 6, 2011 at 3:00 pm
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Ah, Lori, you make me smile.
I have one fashion statement that comes in many shapes, shades and patterns. It is the only fashion statement I make every day without fail.The Stain.
I wear it well, I wear it everywhere, indeed I do not own a single item of clothing without it. My favourite is the leaking boob milk stain – adds real class to any outfit and a conversation starter to any occasion. What more does a girl need, I ask you?
God bless motherhood and the accessories attached.
- January 6, 2011 at 2:56 pm
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Well said! For so long I worked in the same building as a major magazine co and the halls were dotted with stiletto wearing, sequinned stunners who all literally looked like they stole their outfit right out from the pages they print – made my "cheap and cheerful" attire slightly dowdy in such sophisticated company… PS Also have vendetta now against makeup – minimal is all I can manage!
- January 6, 2011 at 2:31 pm
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I may or may not have been wearing sweat pants and crocs whilst reading this.
We are kin, I tell you.
- January 6, 2011 at 2:21 pm
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Oh my gosh, we must be twins! I wear my jeans and t-shirt uniform All The Time! I love, love, love jeans! (I even got married in my jeans!)
- January 6, 2011 at 1:26 pm
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Anti-fashionista mum here, too…wishing I was a fashionista mum, too!
That's why I play the Polly Dolly Challenge! LOL - January 6, 2011 at 11:10 am
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LOL, I love this. I'm the same, I just don't 'get' fashion. Every now and then someone helps me buy an outfit that looks somewhat good and that I love, and then I wear it to death until I hate it and revert back to jeans and a t-shirt. My goal this year is to learn makeup….maybe next year I'll start on something other than jeans!
- January 6, 2011 at 10:37 am
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There is nothing wrong with wearing clothes that you feel comfortable in. I love my tracky dacks & t's. I also have a fave maternity top that I still wear although it has seen better days.
Dags rock! - January 6, 2011 at 9:27 am
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Oh my Lori! You gotta at least give up the maternity wear. It is therapeutic I tells ya. Otherwise, dag is okay with me.
- January 6, 2011 at 9:20 am
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I love looking at fashion and reading fashion magazines. But wearing it? I feel like a tool.
- January 6, 2011 at 9:19 am
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LOL. Yes, dag is a great word. And so Australian. You go girl. Happy Australia Month.
- January 6, 2011 at 8:55 am
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You crack me up Lori!
I think i'm somewhere in between – i love clothes and when i have the occasion i think i can pull of a "fashion " look…however i lack both the funds and the time to do "fashion" on an everyday basis.
Day to day i'm jeans, top and Converse All Stars, but on special occasions am all for rocking pretty dresses and sexy heels! - January 6, 2011 at 8:37 am
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OMG… we *are* sisters!
- January 6, 2011 at 8:35 am
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As usual, I'm having a giggle. And I'll be thinking about you on Sunday at my Fancy Pants day (and hoping you'll link up). You still look gorgeous, and I'm loving your uggs. I have a pair that have the same classy separated from the sole look. xx
- January 6, 2011 at 8:16 am
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A girl after my own heart!!!
I am also a non-shoe wearer (where possible), much to my sister and husbands disgust.
- January 6, 2011 at 8:09 am
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This is me exactly Lori…. I went out and tried to buy nice clothes the other day and failed dismally! Ended up buying something that looked exactly like what I walked in wearing, only with the seams intact. Contemplated leaving my own pants in the store and walking out in the new pair… no one would have noticed.
- January 6, 2011 at 7:48 am
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As a chick that wore washed out black for her entire adult life 'till just recently, I hear ya…..I used to think it was becasue black made me look slimmer. Now I realise it is becasue I am just not interested….(although, I am stepping out in a frock, of all things, today!)
- January 6, 2011 at 7:21 am
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Your look is very like mine, although I do think my soles are still attached to all of my shoes – I'll check.
That chick in the skirt looks like those dolls your granny had on top of her bogroll. Well not your granny, actually not even mine, but you know… (actually maybe you don't, maybe you don't have those things in Oz?).
- January 6, 2011 at 3:28 pm
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Occasionally I care what I wear, but most of the time it doesn't even cross my mind to put some thought into it. No time for that. Just grab whatever and I'm ready to go.
- January 6, 2011 at 10:56 am
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there is a difference between style and fashion…. so I am told.
- January 6, 2011 at 8:23 am
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Lori you dag lol
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Previous post: The Not-Infected New Piercing In My Head.
Next post: I need your prayers.
Tomorrow – RRSAHM
Tomorrow
Tomorrow is my husband’s funeral.
Today, tomorrow, what the fuck ever. I haven’t slept yet so it still feels like tomorrow.
This is so sureal. just the stupidest, most fracicial, bizarrest thing.
But I know it’s real. I know, because I asked the nurse in the ICU, while we were waiting. Waiting for fucking everything. People, police, x-rays, organ donor woman, the last few hours. Waiting. And I asked her- “Is this real? I’m not dreaming?”. And she said “No, you’re not”.
Which was good. No I’m sorry. No pity, no softening the blow. Because this is fucked. And it’s fucking horrible and being sorry doesn’t fucking help anything.
Fuck. I fucking bury mu husband tomorrow. In a grotesque, gothic way, today felt like the day before my wedding. And, oddly, ironically, the night beofre has the same sense of quite anti-climax.
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I’m wiriting here, as i said, because i have to.I know my grief, my experience, my stigma- it makes some people uncomfortable at the moment. And I don’t give a fuck.
As always, I love you lot. I am strong and I can do this. I can do this. In a twisted, heart breaking way, I’m looking forward to it. The ritual. The saying goodbye. The celebration.
Ok. I’m out. Ihave a post, coming, next week, I’m sure, to tell you all how freaking awesome you are. You know how uch I appreciate it. I just don’t even have the head space to process the amazing, incredible things you lot- this communtiy, the Intenet communtiy, my communtiy, have done for me. I can’t even begin to expres… you’ve taken me and held me and softened my blow and I love you all so much. I want to write it properly, when I can do it justice.
Exhausted. Out. xoxo
Leave a Comment
{ 127 comments… read them below or add one }
- January 16, 2011 at 6:36 am
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xx
- January 15, 2011 at 6:30 pm
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There is nothing you can say that will ever make me feel uncomfortable. Kick, scream, swear….do whatever you need to do to make it through this. And don't stop doing it until you feel ready, even if that takes months. We will be here.
- January 15, 2011 at 1:27 pm
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I;m so sorry you have to go through this. Much love to you and your children xxx
- January 15, 2011 at 12:31 am
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Thinking of you, all of you. Big hugs.
- January 14, 2011 at 9:39 pm
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Had wandered over from Brenda's blog just before this terrible nightmare happened to your family. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how it feels. Stay strong, but also allow yourself to be weak – do whatever you need to…. run screaming around your neighbourhood with your knickers on your head if it helps…and keep writing – you have a great gift there lady!
Sending you love and best wishes from the UK.
Kristina xxx - January 14, 2011 at 9:27 pm
- January 14, 2011 at 9:16 pm
- January 14, 2011 at 8:43 pm
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Lori, I am so glad you have this space.
And I am so glad we're all here for you.
Sorry is stupid!
But still, I am so sorry this is happening to you.
You sweet, lovely, Lori.
Much love to you. - January 14, 2011 at 8:32 pm
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However many people were with you today to say goodbye to Tony, please know that a thousand more of us were thinking of you and your babies.
Write whatever you need to, whatever helps to make this bearable, even for a moment. We will all be here for every word. - January 14, 2011 at 8:26 pm
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Have been thinking of you today especially.
Do what you have to do to get through it all and don't worry about everybody else. - January 14, 2011 at 8:12 pm
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thinking of you today, wishing you strength ♥
- January 14, 2011 at 7:57 pm
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Thinking of you… "without words!"
- January 14, 2011 at 7:38 pm
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Lori, you are such a strong beautiful woman and we're thinking of you while you'll be bracing tomorrow! Be strong and know there are so many people that love you and are holding you dear and praying for you! Be blessed, sweet Lori!
- January 14, 2011 at 7:35 pm
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When I woke up this morning my thoughts were with you. I don't know where you are or what you are doing right now because of the time difference between our countries, but I wish you and your children lots of strength for today and all days to come.
Love, Wendy
- January 14, 2011 at 6:27 pm
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My heart breaks for you. The road you are traveling right now is a horrible one, just make sure you accept any help offered by friends and family. I hope the funeral was ok today and you were able to honnor your husbands memory xxx
- January 14, 2011 at 6:09 pm
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Lori, my heart was with you today.
I was thinking yesterday (while you wrote this post) of your wedding too, and of how it must have felt then on the eve of it, and yesterday on the eve of the funeral.
No words can describe your pain, and I'm so sorry you had to have today. - January 14, 2011 at 5:51 pm
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You are in our hearts today Lori. xx
- January 14, 2011 at 4:52 pm
- January 14, 2011 at 4:17 pm
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Life can be totally unfair, and you have been dealt the heaviest of blows. If it helps, there is an enormous group of strangers here that feel for you. No doubt you have close friends and family who will help today, and give the suport you need, for you, and the children.
Nothing can fix it, all one can do is adjust over time. May it all be as smooth as possible.
Oh, and you say what and how you like; anything is acceptable. - January 14, 2011 at 4:15 pm
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Thinking of you and the kiddies today. Rufalina. xoxo
- January 14, 2011 at 3:55 pm
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Thinking of you honey and sending really big hugs your way xo
- January 14, 2011 at 3:36 pm
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Hugs.
I couldn't blog about my husband's funeral for months afterwards … but did blog in the end, because I did not want to forget One Single Thing that was part of his life.
The one thing I couldn't do at the funeral but now so much wish that I did, was to just Look Up and let the sheer number of people at the service sink in – That Many People are here for us. I so wish I had turned around and looked up at the faces of the people who love us instead of avoiding all eye contact and staring down at the ground.It will be a hard day. Really hard.
Know that me and my kids will be thinking of you and your kids and wishing you every strength. - January 14, 2011 at 3:18 pm
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I don't know you, and I've only just come across you here, and still I cry for your heartache. I hope you know that even us strangers out here really care, and will be sending you strength to get through this. I am so so very sorry for your loss, and I wish there were something I could do besides type those same old words you've read a hundred times.
- January 14, 2011 at 2:41 pm
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I'm sitting here, crying for you and Tony, wishing that my tears would make a difference. Strength and love coming your way, my poor, dear girl. Give your babies a kiss from all of the above, I think. xxxxx
- January 14, 2011 at 2:27 pm
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I'm thinking of you Lori. I'm praying for you and your little ones. We are all here for you, when you need us. Love.
- January 14, 2011 at 2:25 pm
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I hope your husband's memory is honored with a beautiful funeral. I'm sure he will know today, how loved he was and still is. I hope you will be ok today, too. It will be a hard day, but like you've said, it's such an important thing to do.
I'm sending my love to you today, to your children and your family. Don't worry about anyone else's opinion about your writing.
It's your blog sweetheart, you do what you like:) If you want to write, write, and if you don't, then don't feel obligated to either. Just do what you need to do, when you need to do it.
Also, I hope you can get some sleep soon ((HUG))
- January 14, 2011 at 2:25 pm
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sending love xx
- January 14, 2011 at 2:04 pm
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You're in my thoughts today Lori. You have the strength to get through this terribly fucked up lot that you've been dealt. xox
- January 14, 2011 at 1:42 pm
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You will never know the tears we have cried , stupid auto correct
- January 14, 2011 at 1:40 pm
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It hurts, and it doesn't seem real, and you probably feel like you're going a little bit crazy. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, you are doing so well. You will know the tears we have cried for you, for him, for your little ones. Please know you are loved x
- January 14, 2011 at 1:24 pm
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I can't even imagine what life looks like for you right now. Writing is a good thing to do- therapeutic. Don't apologise.
All my love for today.
- January 14, 2011 at 12:24 pm
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Lori, fucked is about right, but still doesn't even come close to covering it. So swear, laugh, cry until there's a puddle on the keyboard, rage, celebrate what you had and mourn what you've lost. Say whatever it is that YOU need to say. If your grieving and taking whatever catharsis you can makes some uncomfortable, fuck them, because their discomfort is nothing compared to the magnitude of what you feel. Holding your hand today xx
- January 14, 2011 at 12:09 pm
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I'm holding you in my thoughts and in my heart for tomorrow… stay strong…
- January 14, 2011 at 11:50 am
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Lori, you are incredible, brave and your words are painfully beautiful. We are all there right behind you….xx
- January 14, 2011 at 11:46 am
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You can say whatever you like, this is your space. Am thinking of you today.
CheezelMonster from BB
- January 14, 2011 at 11:42 am
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I don't know what to say . . . prayers don't seem enough. Saying "I'm sorry" just doesn't seem like anywhere near enough. Hug everyone you see and soak in their strength. X
- January 14, 2011 at 11:39 am
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Big love to you Lori. I will be keeping you & your children in my heart all day. xx
- January 14, 2011 at 11:29 am
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Praying for you and your cherubs today Lori! Keep writing your beautiful gut wrenching honest ramblings! We are all 'listening' and are all with you in whatever way we can be!
x - January 14, 2011 at 11:27 am
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The way you are handling this is a credit to you and is awfully inspiring to others out there. Keep strong honey – it will be one of the toughest days you'll have but we are all sending you strength and love.
Big hugs – thinking of you today
xx - January 14, 2011 at 11:12 am
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I don't know you Lori, but fucked covers the horror you are experiencing. Please keep strong and know that people you don't even know care about you and are praying for your family in this incredibly devastating time. Bless you Lori
- January 14, 2011 at 10:56 am
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Sending all the good thoughts, love and support I can muster for you and your children today Lori xx
- January 14, 2011 at 10:54 am
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I wish we could all be there – a strong, loving army, a wall of people just for you. Arms to hold you up, hands to wipe away tears, voices to tell you we're here for you.
We are in spirit though, Lori. We're all of us there in spirit. Get through today, however you must. We'll all be here when you're ready for us.
- January 14, 2011 at 9:49 pm
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My heart goes out to you. xxx
- January 14, 2011 at 10:48 am
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My thoughts are with you Lori. I wish you strength and courage in such a hard time. I am thinking of you and your little ones.
Hugs and kisses Adalita. - January 14, 2011 at 10:37 am
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Lori please know that we are thinking of you today. This day will be bloody horrible and your post reminded me of the way I felt when I had to bury my baby boy 17 years ago. Just that raw emotion and the way you honestly don't give a damn about anything else, the world can go to hell and you really couldn't care less.
Take care of yourself and your little ones. It is a situation that no one can truly know how they will react until they experience it and no one deserves to have to go through it,,,, no one!!
Love and Hugs
Colleen - January 14, 2011 at 10:30 am
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My heart goes out to you today as you farewell your beloved Tony.Thoughts & Prayers are with you.Love and strength x
- January 14, 2011 at 10:21 am
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Lori, I am adding my love to the huge amount already shown by the lovely ladies above. Thinking of you and your babies ~ Tina xx
- January 14, 2011 at 10:16 am
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*HUGS* Thinking of you.
- January 14, 2011 at 10:12 am
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I've lost a husband too. It's horrible. It's a nightmare. You rant and rave and cry. But then you get up and keep going. Somehow. Thinking of you today…
- January 14, 2011 at 10:09 am
- January 14, 2011 at 9:55 am
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Thinking of you and your little ones Lori.
Sx - January 14, 2011 at 9:30 am
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Don't apologise for coming here and writing. Do NOT apologise to anyone. You are doing what you need to to get through this fucking awful situation.
If coming here, if writing helps you, then do it! If people are upset or offended it's simple, they don't have to read.
Screw what anyone thinks anyway. Right now what's important is what you think, what you feel and what you need and i know there is a shit tonne of us that are only too happy to be there for you and do our best to help you out. <3 Goodluck today (ha! Goodluck. That sounds completely wrong, but hopefully you will get what i mean), my thoughts are with you. Draw strength from me if you need to. - January 14, 2011 at 9:24 am
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Lori, I have been where you are, I have sat, in my 20's at my husband's funeral holding my baby, thinking this isn't real. This is the most horrendous, most difficult thing you will go through, but in time it get's better, every day slowly but surely life goes back to "new" normal, your new normal life as a widow and you will be ok! You will see Tony in your children as they grow up and it will make you smile, a little frown, a mannerism in your children and there will be a time that it will make you smile, remembering him, rather than cry. Although that will always break you heart that he isn't there to see them himself.
Hugs for tomorrow, it will be a difficult day, but with the support of family and friends you will make it through xx
- January 14, 2011 at 9:22 am
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I hope you are surrounded by those that loved Tony and their happy memories today and that will give you peace to sleep tonight if only for a little while Lori. Thinking of you.
Karen
- January 14, 2011 at 9:21 am
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I can't imagine how you are feeling. Life is so fucked up at times. Take care of yourself. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
- January 14, 2011 at 9:19 am
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We're with you, even we virtual strangers, feeling your pain, hoping to stem the agony, wanting you to know you will never be alone. Keep the words flowing, you have a story that must be told, with lessons we should all heed. Breathe, one breath at a time, step, one step at a time. You are strong, you are brave and you will make your Tony, and your children proud xx
- January 14, 2011 at 9:18 am
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Lori, be prepared to feel all strength that you have gathered by now simply wash away during the ceremonial. it makes things incredibly more real in the space of a few minutes. let it all out, it's ok, it can't stay inside.
We will all be there with you, in thought, for you and your little ones, for Tony, and for everything that is fucking unfair and fucked up in this world.
you're an awesome chick i can tell that just from reading your blog and we all want you to keep on writing about everything, with the lucidity, the twisted humour, and the heart that shines through in your words. you ARE a light, Lori. Shine on. x - January 14, 2011 at 9:14 am
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Love and so much love to you my brave friend.xxxxx
- January 14, 2011 at 9:13 am
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You are in my thoughts today, Lori. I see you managing this blackest day with courage and with grace. x
- January 14, 2011 at 9:11 am
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Ahhh, Lori. Keep on talking. I know the heat of a stigma and that discomfort of which you speak. It'll sometimes take a lot of strength to keep going and keep expressing what you need to, but at the end of the day, it's actually easier than the alternative xxxx
I know you're going to anyway, because you're unstoppable and gorgeous, but Lori you know you don't *have* to write that post to your community. We've rallied because you're loved. Your husband is loved. So if you get to next week and that post is still not formed in your head, don't pressure yourself just because you stated out loud that you'd be doing one. (I'm just sayin')
A massive hug imagined being given to you, wish I could give it in person for today.
- January 14, 2011 at 9:07 am
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Standing in the fire with you is far from uncomfortable Lori, it's an honour. Thank you for letting us in xLisa Lou
- January 14, 2011 at 8:51 am
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Thinking of you today. Say goodbye with grace and love just as all will carry you with grace and love xx
- January 14, 2011 at 8:51 am
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Beautiful Lori, we will all be sending you strength and love today. This is something no one should have to endure, let alone someone as special as you.xxx
- January 14, 2011 at 8:50 am
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Yes, fucked is the right word. There is no right or wrong in this. Keep writing. Keep your voice, we will be here to listen.
I'm thinking of you. - January 14, 2011 at 8:42 am
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strength to you for today. xxxx
- January 14, 2011 at 8:40 am
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Keep talking and writing Lori. One of the worst things I did when my mum and step father died was to NOT talk about it to anyone. So no-one talked to me about it. When really I just wanted to scream. Keep your voice loud and know that the support out here for you will be strong. We are not only good writers, we are good listeners. xxx
- January 14, 2011 at 8:33 am
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Came over from Miss Ruby's blog, and I just wanted to express my condolences. What a horrible thing for you have to deal with! My thought will be with you tomorrow.
- January 14, 2011 at 8:32 am
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You are brave Lori, but even more than that, you are real. Thinking of you. what a crap phrase, but I am. Thinking and praying and hoping, and knowing that you can get through it today. All my love Vicki xx
- January 14, 2011 at 8:26 am
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Lori, My arms are wrapping around you even more tightly today as I think of what you are having to face today. Love and strength to you xx
- January 14, 2011 at 8:17 am
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Standing with my virtual hand on your shoulder Lori. ((((hugs)))) to you all today and every day xo
- January 14, 2011 at 8:16 am
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Yes, it's fucked.
Sending you strength to get through today. I hope you are uplifted and heartened as you are surrounded by everyone that loved Tony also. I hope they tell some great stories and everyone has a laugh about what a great guy he was. The ritual of a funeral is so important, it has to be done. After that is a minute by minute prospect too. Strength and hugs to you and your babies. xox
- January 14, 2011 at 8:11 am
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Lori, I know today will be one of much sorrow and celebration. Sorrow for what you've lost and celebration of the life and love Tony gave you. Just know that you're in my thoughts.
Yes, it's fucking horrible and I can only hope you can draw strength on everyone who's here supporting you. Much love xx
- January 14, 2011 at 8:06 am
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holding you and giving you strength and love Lori <3 xxx hope you do get some restful sleep soon
((HUGS)) babe xxxxxxxxxxxx - January 14, 2011 at 8:00 am
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After weeks of grey skies, the sun is shining and the sky is so clear you can see forever. I am singing for you, Lori, singing a song of courage and strength and fucking sorrow all at once. x
- January 14, 2011 at 7:52 am
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We'll be with you in spirit as you bury Tony today. Much love from over here. Not a day has passed where I haven't stopped and thought of you (and prayed too). Praying for strength to get through each day and night. xx
- January 14, 2011 at 7:49 am
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I wish you a beautiful day, Lori, and after that sleep, lots of restful sleep. A big fat hug from me xx
- January 14, 2011 at 7:49 am
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Lori, thinking about you and I will be tomorrow too – just like everyone here. I hope it's a chance to exhale and as you say, to celebrate Tony. Wishing you soft landings dear girl. xxx
- January 14, 2011 at 6:44 pm
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Keep on writing honey..do whatever you feel YOU need to do..
Much love xxoo - January 14, 2011 at 7:40 am
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It is your husband's funeral Lori, your grief. and no one can prescribe how you should be feeling and acting. If people feel uncomfortable about you needing to write or talk or swear, then they don't need to read your posts. You do what you need to do to get through this. We are all behind you and thinking about you today.
xxxCate - January 14, 2011 at 7:35 am
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Holding you in my thoughts today sweetheart. xxx
- January 14, 2011 at 7:26 am
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I know " good luck " is the wrong expression for tomorrow, but i want to send you good wishes, that you may suffer through tomorrow with good grace, good friends and good memories. Xx
- January 14, 2011 at 7:26 am
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Take care xxxxxxxx
Love you and want to give you strength in this time.
Been a hard few weeks all around.
xxxxxxxxxxxx
- January 14, 2011 at 7:25 am
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I wish this day wasn't happening for you Lori. Be brave and strong for your beautiful children and your beautiful Man and your beautiful self, and if you start to waiver, look around you and draw strength from those with you and those who can't be. Because we all are. With you.
- January 14, 2011 at 7:21 am
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Screw the people that are uncomfortable, you need to do anything that can get you through this as best you can. Scream, swear, write, do whatever you need to, to get by.
And stigma, what the? You are still you, the same you I knew a month ago & the you that is strong enough to recover from anything.
Hopefully after today you can get some sleep. As one part closes of this horrible mess, I hope you get a tiny bit of peace & you can rest.
Love you lots xx
- January 14, 2011 at 7:14 am
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thinking of you and ur kids lori, cant imagine wat u must be feeling, i have never known anyone so strong! ur doing great..stay strong xx we r here for u xxx
- January 14, 2011 at 7:11 am
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No words only love and virtual hugs.
- January 14, 2011 at 6:49 am
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There are no words ((((((HUGS))))))
- January 14, 2011 at 6:47 am
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Thinking of you & your family today.
xx - January 14, 2011 at 6:03 am
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Best wishes Lori. Thinking of you today. Cyber hugs. x o x o
- January 14, 2011 at 5:19 am
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The closure is one step further into the process. The vile process that is grieving. I will be holding your hand virtually. xx
- January 14, 2011 at 2:22 am
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Riding the waves with you, my love. You will be in my thoughts and prayers all day. Life is a fucker. We'll get through it together. Love you. xo
- January 14, 2011 at 2:02 am
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My thoughts are with you today. You are incredibly strong. You are so inspiring to me. xoxo
- January 14, 2011 at 1:36 am
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My thoughts are with you for Friday. I was very close to being in your position a couple of months ago, so I have a good idea of how much strength you have through this. You are amazing!!!!!!!
xxx
PS Try not to say "Fuck" too much at the service – it scares the grannies and the little men in white jackets might come and get you. - January 14, 2011 at 1:36 am
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Lori, you have been on my heart for days. I will be praying for you and the kids tomorrow. Rely on others for strength and you have an entire world thinking of you and aching with you. I completely understand that in reality all you want is Tony back and would give anything for that to happen and none of these messages are going to do that, but know each and everyone of us are her when you need us in our own way.
- January 14, 2011 at 1:23 am
- January 14, 2011 at 1:00 am
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what ever you need to do – do it
- January 14, 2011 at 1:00 am
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Nothing I say will help so I won't even begin to try.
Cept to say, that tomorrow, as you say one last goodbye – I wish you peace.
He may be physically gone but he will always be with you, forever in the heart and eternally in your memories.
~x~
- January 14, 2011 at 12:54 am
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In the moment you do what you hve to do and that's all you can do. Well wishes for you tomorrow.
P.S. Love the new yellow.
- January 14, 2011 at 12:52 am
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Lori, I love you like mad. My heart breaks for you and I am saying fuck right along with you. And prayers…lots of prayers. xoxo
- January 14, 2011 at 12:49 am
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Keeping you in my thoughts.
- January 14, 2011 at 12:45 am
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Tomorrow will be an intensely private time for you I think…no-one exactly knows what you're experiencing. But there are hundreds – thousands – of us all over the world who will be thinking deeply of you and remembering the Tony you've shown us here. Much love xx
- January 14, 2011 at 12:38 am
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I can not even imagine… I can only compare your loss to the loss of my children and, really, they dont compare. But I do know one thing: you will survive. You will make it. You will go on for your children and for Tony too. And for you. Praying and keeping your family in my heart and prayers.
- January 14, 2011 at 12:36 am
- January 14, 2011 at 12:36 am
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xo
- January 14, 2011 at 12:34 am
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You are amazing girl. Love and strength, always x
- January 14, 2011 at 12:34 am
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You could never make me uncomfortable. Keep writing girl, FTW!! x
- January 14, 2011 at 12:34 am
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I will be thinking of you and your family, be strong and allow others to be there for you.
Much love. xx
- January 14, 2011 at 12:32 am
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Your pain is so raw. I'm glad you have this community to turn to and can only hope it helps, in some minute way, to ease your pain over time. x
- January 14, 2011 at 12:32 am
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Just know we are here for you, thinking of you. Tomorrow is going to be so, so hard. Just keep breathing and let others take care of everything else. xxxx
- January 14, 2011 at 12:31 am
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Wishing you much strength for tomorrow. You will be in the thoughts of many
x - January 14, 2011 at 12:30 am
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YOU are the awesome one…and we are so much better for knowing such a strong amazing woman like yourself….keep writing if it softens the pain just a little..
I'll be thinking of you and your babes tommorrow..I hope you can steal a little sunshine when you think of Tony and the amazing time you shared…
- January 14, 2011 at 12:29 am
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We've all got your hand in ours tomorrow xx
- January 14, 2011 at 12:28 am
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Thinking of you and praying for lots of strength and love to get you through the day. Look after yourself. xx
- January 14, 2011 at 12:27 am
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Hugs. There are no words. Fucked seems about right. Hold tight. We'll be here for you tomorrow/today/next week…
- January 14, 2011 at 12:26 am
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Keep writing Lori, keep looking after YOU and keep celebrating your husbands life, long after tomorrow x
- January 14, 2011 at 11:26 am
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This is your place Lori so you can write whatever you need and want to cause it is fucked!! Super fucked, it shouldn't be happening!! Xoxo Will be there with you as much as you need.
- January 14, 2011 at 12:24 am
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Sweetie try get some rest know that everyone that cares for you are holding you in their thoughts & arms.
(((( Hugs )))) XXXX Kisses XXXX
- January 14, 2011 at 11:22 am
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xxx
- January 14, 2011 at 9:09 am
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You don't have to thank you Lori, watching you continue to put one step in front of the other is thanks enough. I am with you in spirit today x
- January 14, 2011 at 6:51 am
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Thinking of you Lori. You are so incredibly brave and strong to write about it. Keep going.
x - January 14, 2011 at 6:14 am
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You were my first thought when I woke up this morning, knowing the day that lies ahead for you. Sending you love and strength. xox
- January 14, 2011 at 2:10 am
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You are amazing Lori. When you are going through hell, just keep going.
- January 14, 2011 at 1:53 am
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I don't know what to say to someone who is about to bury their husband, I can't begin to know how that feels. But I am thinking of you. xx
- January 14, 2011 at 1:10 am
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In touch with Brenda this week and I am so very sorry, would have done anything to have been there for you tomorrow. But I am thinking of you with every waking moment. Really.
PS it is totally fucked xox - January 14, 2011 at 1:01 am
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Hugs to you, sweetie. We love you.
- January 14, 2011 at 12:59 am
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Caring and being with you tomorrow, as always… Your friends here and IRL are here ..take the outstretched hand, and hold it. Much strength to you & hope, love and peace ..as it will come. Denyse xx
- January 14, 2011 at 12:43 am
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Yep. I get it. Hold tight my friend, the ride gets bumpy from there on in.
But I am here. As are many that get the grief road.
Previous post: Dorothy The Dinosaur is Evil (Still).
Next post: Today.
The Little Things – RRSAHM
The Little Things
“You can’t argue with the little things. It’s the little things that make up life.”
Hank Scorpio, The Simpsons
It’s the tiniest, littlest things that floor me.
I’ll be just fine, feeling as close to normal as I get (which is better and better, all the time, most of the time… some days at least), and then I’ll come across something that jumps at me, stops me… freezes me in time for a moment, memories rushing back over me.
I remember being dunked under huge waves at the beach as a child. I’d be standing, feet feeling the sand shifting between like the bunching muscles of a snake, with a wave rushing toward me, wave that looks innocent enough, one that I can surely jump.
And suddenly, faster than I imagined, a cold hard wall of salty blue and green hits you, immerses you, tumbling you over and over. The shock is so great you almost forgot to be afraid of the potential pain, and there’s not a lot you can do for it anyway… you just have to roll with the wave, let it wash you over and over until the suds recede and the water begins to rush back again.
Being shocked, knocked for six by tiny things, when I thought two moves, twice sorting and sifting my possessions… one would think that would be enough to purge all the surprises. It’s not. Things still jump out from dark places every now and then, things with teeth. Things that bite and kiss me softly, both at once.
Like a box of matches. A simple, stupid box of matches… pinched from the flash hotel where my husband and I spent our first and only wedding anniversary.
Or spotting something I’ve somehow missed seeing for years now, even before Tony passed away. His name hastily scratched into a old boombox stereo that he was given for his thirteenth birthday. He kept it for over 20 years, and it no longer works… but I can’t bring myself to get rid of it.
And then there’s the proof of life, proof of ordinary suburban life. A list for Chinese takeaway, scrawled quickly on the back of one of my notebooks. I remember being cranky when Tony did that, years ago, defiling my notebook with something so unimportant. Do I have to tell you that now I’m glad he did it? That sometimes I wonder, in the science fiction part of my mind, if it’s possible to lift someone’s DNA from their handwriting, and clone them…?
The little things, indeed. Responsible for taking my breath away, knocking the life right out of me, on a semi regular basis.
***
So far December has been quick and painless, the weather cool and strange… it doesn’t feel like last year, not too much, and I am able to lose myself in the pleasure of my children and my house.
But sometimes it is far too easy to picture my husband there, to imagine exactly what he would be doing if he were here. And that’s when the grief and regret and almost desperate sense of hopeless wishing kick in. It’s only momentary, that feeling. I think I’ve written about it before- the sense that if you try, if you ask, if you believe, time will reverse itself and you can start over. It’s the same childlike logic that shouts in your mind that “He can’t die because I love him, how can he die if I love him?”
A big family Christmas party, and I can see the ghost of him everywhere. My family, not his, so I doubt anyone feels his ghost but me. I can see him, smell him, hear him, picture him there… cooking the barbeque, drinking beer, playing with our kids as the sun goes down and people begin to go home.
It’s a cloud that hangs with me all day, a grey shadow of fettered pain. As darkness comes, the remaining members of my extended family stand around and watch a slideshow of photos on a digital photo frame. One flashes up of Tony and I, one a day just like this one, almost two years ago… we are smiling and happy.
Hot tears wash up through my eyes and I stand at the back on the darkened room and sob silently, lest my son hear me.
How has it been almost twelve months, since I last touched his skin? How is that even possible?
Leave a Comment
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
- January 30, 2012 at 11:29 pm
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… the sense that if you try, if you ask, if you believe, time will reverse itself and you can start over. It's the same childlike logic that shouts in your mind that "He can't die because I love him, how can he die if I love him?"
Beautifully written. I think and wish and hope that all the time, even though I know better.
- December 24, 2011 at 2:54 am
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Oh my love, I wish I had words of comfort. But I'm sending love and hugs right now instead because I just don't know what to say
- December 23, 2011 at 10:30 am
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I haven't been at yours for too long, I read you itpr but remembered that it was coming up for your first 12 months so I just wanted to say hello, no other words can touch what you feel, but hello is a start . X
- December 22, 2011 at 1:50 pm
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The first Christmas is the toughest Lori and made doubly so by the fact that you lost him so soon after …the days ahead are the days of thinking " this time last year he was/ I was/we were….etc". It's tough and painful so let yourself feel it, don't squash it. This is my 2nd Christmas without my Mum and it's much easier this year. Take care of yourself and your kiddies x darnie
- December 21, 2011 at 12:08 pm
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burning at the edge of my eyes… small spots of wet hot tears emerge. You are an amazing writer of things so impossible to even fathom by us ordinary people who just move through life thinking… thinking we are unaffected by such pain. Thank you for the willingness to share.
- December 21, 2011 at 9:01 am
- December 21, 2011 at 7:22 am
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I haven't popped in for a long while as my own life has taken me away from blog world a bit, but was thinking of you this morning, and that this christmas might not be so easy for you. I wish you and your kids a joyful time and for you to forge a new kind of christmas….although i am sure it will be tinged with some sadness. lots of love and hugs. x
- December 21, 2011 at 1:32 am
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This is the suck. I wish something more for you in the end. I do.
- December 21, 2011 at 12:20 am
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Lori, I love you. I read every single post you ever write. I'm always here.
Have been thinking of you lately. XX
- December 20, 2011 at 10:57 pm
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You are amazing Lori. Just hold on. I can't imagine how difficult this is, but we're all here praying and pulling for you. Lots of love
- December 20, 2011 at 10:51 pm
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xoxo will be thinking of you over the holidays from far away. I hope the memories of joy can one day bring comfort instead of loss.
- December 20, 2011 at 8:33 pm
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This is all i have – chin up, soldier on and get festive baby!
- December 20, 2011 at 5:41 pm
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Ironically they say time will make it easier but harder in the same breath, some memories will fade, but my dear hold on to the tangible insignificant things to others, the matches etc, put them in a special place and look through them every now and then. Each first is hard, particularly the first anniversary, just be strong, do what you want to not what others think is best for you, cry for your loss but promise to remember at least one happy memory. Hope this has helped xxxo
- December 20, 2011 at 1:44 pm
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Keep on fighting, buddy.
- December 20, 2011 at 1:27 pm
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You are so brave, Lori. The way you carry yourself is nothing short of remarkable. I hope this Christmas brings you a little joy and peace in your heart despite so much sadness. Much love.
- December 20, 2011 at 1:23 pm
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Im crying so much.Been so sad over my beautiful dog who just passed after 12 yrs.Feel so bad as thats nothing compared to what you have to endure.I wish I could help ease the pain especially at Christmas.I hope us all reading your blog helps you in some way.Please feel the love and comfort we wish to give you.xx
- December 20, 2011 at 1:14 pm
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I, too, wondered about the DNA thing early on… I found a pair of ugg boots with a drop of blood on them and thought it might be possible…
Those little things freak me out but make me realise how precious it is to keep mementos and odd things like a handwritten list.
The first year was hard for me. The first birthday, the first Christmas, the first every day, the first anniversary, but it's easier now.
An always-reader, rare commenter. Sending you love.
- December 20, 2011 at 12:14 pm
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xoxo.
I don't really know what to say. I'm hear. I read the words you write. Happy words and sad words. I've been having a terrible time this holiday. Not because my husband has passed – but because this crippling FEAR exists that I won't get to touch my son next Christmas. When I ordered our Christmas album… I put extra pictures of him in there – and the thought crossed my mind – I need to because what if he is not here next year? Who the hell thinks like that? But it is true. He's sometimes so ill. *sigh* and I'm really sorry I just dumped on your post. I didn't mean it.You can hate me. I think I read so you can keep me going. Knowing that you are surviving what I fear. But – I still love coming here. Where tears and fears are aired like laundry. xoxo
Kristen @ http://www.alittlesomethingforme.com
- December 20, 2011 at 9:57 am
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Listening and sending whatever that shit is that flies over oceans, lands at your house and supposedly makes you feel better.
does it work !~!
- December 20, 2011 at 9:18 am
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xxx
- December 20, 2011 at 8:48 am
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This will be my second Christmas without Dad and it is infinitely easier this time around. I've found that the weeks leading up to the anniversary of his passing are craptastic and as you say, it's all the little things that trigger you off. But on the day? For me, it was ok. I so hope and pray it is for you too. Makes me sad and mad at the same time that you have to go through this but look at what it's made you. Stronger than you ever thought possible, right? Did you ever think that you'd make it this far? And yet you have. The little things will continue to pop up but with time (yes, boring but true) they will no longer resemble tidal waves.
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The News. – RRSAHM
The News.
I don’t watch the news anymore.
I quit years ago. I don’t read newspapers. I don’t watch the five o’clock news bulletins. I scroll past anything on Twitter or Reddit or FaceBook that might force me to face up to the real world outside of my own little bubble.
And I think I like it this way.
I’ve heard before that it’s recommended that people suffering from depression don’t watch the news. And I can’t imagine it being a productive activity in terms of anxiety.
There is so much to worry about in life. It all seems significantly worse when it’s presented in full colour, high definition, complete with the concerned tones of news anchors or the irritating comments section of news websites.
It feels selfish sometimes- as though I don’t care about the world. As though I have some kind of moral obligation to know what’s happening around me, all the time. As though being aware of the injustices of the world would be enough to fix them.
In reality, even if I was faced with the biggest of injustices and the most obvious of degradation… I probably wouldn’t have the energy to change anything. Activism is outside the realms of my own possibilities right now.
People existed for thousands of years without knowing what was happening globally. Without TV, without the Internet. And everything was fine.
They say things are the best they’ve ever been. We have technology and insight. We’re globally connected in a way the worlds never been before. Wars and murders are at an all-time low. It’s just that every day we’re presented with a blackboard of disheartening images and overwhelming information… stuff we don’t really need to know.
If ignorance is bliss… then not watching the news is a simple matter of happiness.
Leave a Comment
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
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February 17, 2014 at 11:31 am -
I also don’t watch the news. I do however check out the front pages of Reddit and I seem to know what is going on in the world and I only delve into what I think is important to me. The constant reporting of mostly negative things affects you, regardless if you suffer from depression or not.
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February 13, 2014 at 10:33 pm - February 13, 2014 at 10:30 pm
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I’m with you Lori, I haven’t watched the news since the election. I’ve tried a couple of times, but its kind of like Tarantino films after you have a child- I just cant stomach it anymore.
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February 13, 2014 at 7:54 pm -
Reminds me of the old Skyhooks song, Horror Movie. Which was about the 6 o’clock news.
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February 13, 2014 at 7:16 pm -
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7l8rlnMpCI oh goodness i didnt realise it was that long ago!!!
Di recently posted…if you have anymore ideas for me i would love a link thanks -
February 13, 2014 at 11:04 am -
I don’t watch the news either! I will read it occasionally but in very small doses. I don’t need to watch the news because someone is always willing to tell you bad news. I then decide what level I want to be exposed to it. Sometimes that means I read an article, sometimes I don’t. Life is hard enough without seeking out the bad stuff.
Kelly recently posted…Favorite Things - February 13, 2014 at 8:27 am
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I don’t watch the television news – I feel like TV thinks I’m stupid and I can’t watch without getting angry. Anyway, I don’t get very good reception where I live, so it’s not something I have to worry too much about.
I wont read most ‘newspapers’ for the same reason.
I consume a really large amount of news online. All day, in fact. Too much. It gets exhausting, overwhelming. There’s a special kind of cognitive dissonance and doublethink you need to have to be able to see the fucking awful things going on in the world, from the everyday awfulness to large-scale catastrophe, and still be able to go about your business and your life like any of it is actually important.
I was about to say it’s different because I’m not depressed, but after writing out my last paragraph, you know what? Maybe I am.
I think what I get most from this huge over-consumption is just plain angry. Furious. And when there’s nothing I can do with that fury it kind of collapses in on itself with exhaustion and leaves a big void. I guess that’s a little easier than being angry all the time, right?
Whoa, Molly recently posted…And then she wrote: The End. -
February 13, 2014 at 7:21 am -
I’m not sure how to respond when people say they don’t watch or read the news – when they tell me they’re unaware of a massive event or cause or tragedy, sometimes I think they lack in empathy because they don’t want to know what’s going on in the world. I definitely think consuming news can shift the introspection and help see others’ situations.
Consuming news in this modern day can be more selective than 10 years ago – we can choose how much and what we consume through the Internet.
Carly Findlay recently posted…A blog is a secret shared. -
February 12, 2014 at 10:05 pm -
I read the news sites but there are times a take a break, or there’s something partiuclarly horrific and my husband tells me to just not bother looking that day. The news sites are just horrible, it would be much better if they focused on the good news rather than the terrible things that do happen.
- February 12, 2014 at 9:40 pm
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youve got it right lori….i rarely watch it, …shirley strachan from skyhooks had it right ,’its a horror movie, right there on my tv”.
Di recently posted…if you have anymore ideas for me i would love a link thanks
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{ 42 comments… read them below or add one }
Well done you and wishing you all the luck in the world!
ok that should have read 10 years ago!!!
I gave up o years ago, and it's the best thing i ever did. I was a d-i-r-t-y smoker. First thing in the morning. Last thing at night. But now that awful black shadow of guilt, shame, fear has gone. I tried so many times to give up, and in the end once i'd sorted out my head it was easy. ONce i recognised that seedy little voice telling me what i was missing, and how lucky everyone else was for still being able to smoke, i was able to laugh louder than he was sneering. And it was a walk in park.
good luck.
M2Mx
You can do it! I used to be a smoker and quit cold turkey. Smoked about 10/day..along with some other stuff..lol Something in me had decided enough was enough. I was through with it – it was definitely all mental. Had to make the decision up top first. Felt so much better and now am the worst reformed smoker ever
Oh I'm so proud of you! You can do it. It sounds like you have a plan and a good support network, so it just comes down to darn will power. But you're strong. You'll do it. And you'll be better for it and so will your kids.
Wow wow WOW.
Mate ….. GOOD ON YOU.
You can do it, I swear to God – if I can give up cigarettes, anybody can do it. I have given up a LOT of things in my life …. *ahem* – but ciggies was a tough one to crack. But you can do it. You can.
XOXOXOX
my husband and me will try about at the same time, I think. good luck to us.
and bless you for posting about it – it takes a bit of courage, both to mention the addiction in public and to announce to everybody too.
BEST of luck to you! And Kudos for braving this and know it CAN be done…I too was a smoker for nearly 15 years. I was given some sage advice from someone who used this particular method to quit that they got from some kind of quitting program/guru.
They went to some type of program (after several attempts via patch, hypnosis, cold turkey, pills etc.) and it was the ONLY unfailed attempt at quitting that worked for them….so I decided to give it whirl and it WORKED
everytime you smoke put the cig but in a jar with lid
(Hence justifying how disgusting it really is. Visual reminder I guess)
The best step of all that really did the job for me was this:
When you smoke say for instance you smoke when you get in the car or after you eat…habitually… then instead FORCE yourself to smoke AFTER you get out of the car and BEFORE you eat basically do the opposite…given this could be tough with little ones given you probably have to sneak or hide it as much as possible.
But apparently what this does (scientifically)now this gets a bit deep…it changes your brains patterns that are imbedded one way to a "newer" style smoking habit and it makes it easier to quit…in a nut shell..forgive me for not explaining this like the expert.. it sounds a bit crazy BUT it worked for me. It may be worth a shot? I am sure there are more steps to this "method" of quitting, but these are the only two I used and had success.
I could try and get more info for you if you would like?
Good luck! Don't believe all that hype about how impossible it is to quit. Ambivalence is hard. Deciding to quit and doing it isn't that hard.
But here are the things that helped me the most:
Eating. A lot.
Fast forwarding all ads while watching TV and thus avoiding the anti-smoking campaigns that just make you want a cigarette.
Not talking about it too much. Talking about it just made me want a cigarette.
Leaving post it notes around with my reason for quitting on them so I couldn't conveniently forget when it suited me.
Keeping an image in mind that scared the living daylights out of me. Like when my toddler started to mimic smoking *shudder*. That was a real low point.
Give yourself permission to be an ass.
Masses of luck- you can do it!
Good for you. You want to do it and you have a plan and a team on your side, sounds like it's all systems go, good luck!
I do so hope you manage to quit. I'm being a little selfish here, because I'm one of the people who are affected by ciggie smoke. Not the smoke that wafts across the room or wherever, but the stale smoke that clings to skin, hair, clothing. One breath of that and I'm reaching for my inhaler. Even worse is the smell that stays on your breath, in your mouth.
I don't want to sound mean or bitchy, but if you've just had a ciggie, don't stand close to me when you're talking. Ugh! It's getting worse as I get older too. You'll notice the difference yourself after giving up, you'll sit in your favourite armchair, maybe near a window, and you'll notice the smell that's become firmly entrenched in the fabrics of your furnishings. Especially your pillow. Sorry, I'll stop now. Oh, one more thing. Get a special moneybox and put in it every $15 that you would usually buy the smokes with. When it's full, buy yourself a well deserved gift.
Congratulations for making the decision to quit; it's one of the best decisions you'll ever make. Maybe you could include a picture of your family in you new little cardboard box? You're quitting so you can be around for them, it might help to remind yourself of that when you feel your resolve slipping.
In a complete coincidence, I have today blogged a big rant about how much I hate smoking! But, you know, as long as you don't blow smoke in my face or my daughter's face or leave your butts in my garden, we're cool.
Wishing you all the best with quitting – you CAN do it!
Lori, I never had to deal with this addiction. I may have to post about my addiction someday…. food! Some things we can't do without. Best of luck, you know you have a WHOLE LOT of support here on the blog!
Good on you Lori! It will be a challenge but you're doing it for the right reasons! And keep us posted how you go with the Quit program – I'm trying to get my husband to quit and we'll try anything!
I want to tell you BRAVO! Your body and babies will thank you. And mostly, you will thank yourself. It's hard to put your admission 'out there' and hopefully it helps you to be accountable! Thinking of you as you take this hideous journey. Quitting is hard. xx
Good Luck!
When my mom quit smoking she called it the "NicoDemon". And I did when I quit as well.
You're fabulous and you can do this!
x
awesome! I quit a couple of years ago. August 15th 2007 actually. best thing I ever did. still miss it just a weeeee bit sometimes.
I love the mp4 cardboard pack thingo. you're right it's not just the nicotine that is habit, it's all the little rituals that go with it too.
I had to hold pens and "flick" them for a while to get rid of that habit. silliness.
Good luck Lori. I know you can do it!
Good luck! Awesome! You can do it!
Goodluck!!!
I'm an anti-smoker here. Both my parents smoke, and my partner the smell makes me nauseous. No judgement, just love for you and the fact you've admitted it's a problem and are wanting to change things. That really is a big step in itself!
Good luck Lori!
My mum smoked since she was 15 and she is 43 now and after a hospital admission gave up with the help of patches.
She was a pack-a-day too.
x
GOOD LUCK!!!!!! xxx
Oh good luck to you. I managed it years ago but would really one on the odd occasion. I don't have one just in case it's lovely!!
My fingers are crossed for you Lori.
I'm not going to harp on abut how foul and gross cigarettes are ( but they are. totally ).I'm just going to say good on you for making an effort towards positive change. Your lungs are going to thank you for it
You can totally do this. It won't be easy but you can totally, totally do this.
And, putting it in your mouth got you pregnant? I think you're doing it wrong.
Loved this post, good luck!
GO YOU!
Good luck, Lori, you awesome quitter!
I quit (like Mommy Lisa) cold turkey, 25 years ago. Never ever regretted it.
Now if only my hubs would quit too….
Awesome Awesome Awesome for you (and your family) Lori!
You go and kick smokings' ass!
We know you can do it!
*blush* I'm back over there. ———-> Thanks.
Please pardon my douchebaggery. I was having a day when I wrote that comment.
You have to just do it. I did it. I feel so much better – I did it for TWENTY years and I quit. Cold Turkey and done.
Email me if you need a lift in your day or are feeling poorly. It will be GREAT!
You are AWESOME.
I hate cigarettes and the damn second-hand smoke, but having friends who smoke and who have tried to quit many times, I know how hard it is to do so. So I'm very proud of you.
I also am not sitting here being all judgy judgmental and judge-like, because you at least recognize how bad it is. The people who drive me nuts are the ones who deny it or just don't give a damn about their kids or other people who are around it. So you rock anyhow.
We'll be cheering you on!!!
Ummmmm 9th?? Can I push it back? Getting nervous…
$15?!? That's insane. The price alone would be enough to make me quit!
I'm in your dirty, filthy club, too. I'm working on quitting, but it's hard. Good luck!
Go you! I quit over 18 months ago now.
And feel better for it, yeah. Stare enviously at smokers after a few too many drinks… Definitely.
Go you!
YAY! I have quit so often and i also use to smoke a pack a day:-)
So now its been nearly 6 mths and yes i have had only 1 thats it and after 3 puffs i puked LOL… it felt awfull my head was spinning and i fainted so from a quitter to you if i did it well so can you lori xxx
Good luck! My husband got a terrible fright when we started going out years ago. Ended up in the hospital with heart palps (to be fair, there was some other plant substance in the mix as well) but it was enough for him to quit.
So I guess sometimes you have to get a fright to make it happen. Think of all that extra cash you'll have.
Go for it. x
"keep on swimming. Keep on swimming"
so proud of you already
mum my smoked. i remember trying it at fifteen and hating it. coughed my lungs up. and never did it since.
my mum has quit now for over a year and the step dad has recently just quit too.
luck.
YAYAYAYAY!!!!
It will be zen! It will be bliss! You will be free!
(And you know that comes from the heart of an ex-filthy-dirty smoker.)
Good Luck! Hope you are successful. I know it is difficult.