Monthly Archives: May 2016
Random Ramblings of a SAHM: Another New House In Paradise….
"But They're Not Doing Anything Wrong At All!" – RRSAHM
“But They’re Not Doing Anything Wrong At All!”
Some things are just… sad.
There’s anger behind it, frustration, a palpable sense of frustration– that feeling of banging my head against the wall.
I tell people to speak… to save yourself. To save your family from my pain. Because you are important, and I think that silence kills.
But then… if people speak and in turn they are ostracized bullied and betrayed… what do I say, then?
I say, speak louder. I say, search your guts to make sure your determination is well founded and your instinct to make sure you’re going in the right direction.
And breathe truth into the silence.
How difficult must it be, to be a man and say “I’m not OK”? Is it far too much of an expectation, for men to be able to talk about things like mental health and suicide?
I don’t know. My head hurts when I think about it.
A few weeks back I did an interview with a reporter from the UK. We discussed, quite frankly, the state of men’s mental health in Australia. I watched his face sink into shock as we chatted… he heard all about the ‘toughen up’ culture amongst Aussie men, but I don’t think he understood how completely ingrained it is until then.
“So…”, I watch him put the pieces together. A man employed by a company for fifteen years. Demoted, so far as I know; with very little warning, for no good reason. A social man who thrived on connections and enjoyed the interaction of his job more than other aspect, moved to work in a warehouse for eight hours a day all by himself.
My Tony wasn’t quite the same after that happened. He’d never talk about work when he came home… there wasn’t much to talk about. The usual afternoon interaction invoved him letting off steam, telling me funny stories, a good half hour of verbalising before he relaxed. But after the demotion, He wasn’t enjoying his job at all. And it was of such huge importance to him. He’d been working for the same company since he left school. It was part of his identity, part of who he was.
“It’s tragic,” says Will, the reporter, “the picture of this man suffering but unable to tell anyone….”
It is tragic. It breaks my heart.
Sad. It’s just sad.
We dissected and examined, amongst so many other things, the ‘she’ll be right’ attitude that permeates Australian life– don’t whinge, get on with it.
What would have happened, had Tony spoken out? What if he’d stopped after work that hot afternoon, or any before it, and talked to his superiors and said– “I am not coping. I am having a hard time. I need help”. What would have happened then?
Considering his initial demotion- from what I’m aware- came on the back of him taking two days off work to help his wife with their two small children when they were all sick… I don’t think he would have received much in the way of assistance or support from his workplace.
I doubt he would have even considered having that conversation. He may have just been laughed out of the office. At the very least, I can imagine the current that would flow around, silent but so very real…
And what if he had of taken leave? What when he returned? What would it have been like for him…?
I know, I think. A male dominated non–union workplace where testosterone ruled… Tony would have felt he could never show his face there again. And the worst of it may have been the worst of that first, lonely demotion too– you couldn’t call anyone on what they were doing. You say “Bully” they say “Just doing my job”. You say “Stigma” and you get back “If you can handle the heat, get out of the kitchen”.
You say “Help” and they say “Toughen up”. Because, of course, no one is actually doing anything wrong at all.
Sometimes the requirement of compassion is just pulling your head in. Sometimes it takes someone brave to stand up and say ‘This isn’t right’, despite the rhetoric of ‘But no one is doing anything wrong!’
Sometimes being a bully, being unfair, carrying a stigma…. that requires you to do nothing at all, too, except be an intimidating presence, and be aware of that. Or make snide remarks that are, technically, innocent; but carry an undertone that is directed at you, and you may be the only one who identifies it at the time.
You can follow all the rules… that still doesn’t stop you being a dick. And it doesn’t make you right.
***
Some of you may remember reading about Darrell Morris, who I now consider a good friend of mine. He organized the Tony “Toz” Dwyer Shield after a friend pointed him toward my blog. They told him about RRSAHM at that time because he was suicidal… reading my blog helped change that.
But sometimes when you’re down, you get back up… only to be kicked, mercilessly and silently, all over again.
Let me run through Darrell’s story, culminating in what happened last week. You’ll understand why I’m so pissed off and upset. You’ll see why Darrell has been left shattered and angry and feeling disappointed in himself… and he’s done nothing wrong here except be honest and stand up for his rights.
Darrell works for the Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade in the ACT. He’d worked there for ten years, with continually positive, glowing workplace reports. He got on with his colleagues and his boss and, as of 2009, he seemed to advancing steadily toward promotion, and his career with the DFAT– who he began working for straight out of university– was looking quite healthy.
In 2009, Darrell took leave from his job without pay to undertake paid work for Helen Coonan, a politician who was actively a member of the Liberal Party, and campaigning as such. His offices were aware that this was the reason for him taking leave without pay from the initial application.
(To break it down simply for my OS readers– Australia has a two party preferred voting system, and we vote for a party, not so much an individual person. Obviously it’s more complicated than that, but when you really keep it simple– our Government is always either the Labor or Liberal party. In 2009, the Labor party was in power (as it is now). Technically, as a public servant, Darrell was an employee of the government in charge at the time– Labor.
However, the ruling government has no direct bearing on the jobs of public servants. If the Liberal government came into power tomorrow, the employees in Darrell’s department would stay static. The public service is not directly hired nor fired by the government in power.)
Upon his return to work, Darrell found that certain members of his management team had taken offense to his working for a Liberal candidate. His ethics, loyalty, and use of classified information were questioned.
No conduct investigation was ever bought against Darrell– all the claims made were baseless. While the DFAT issued Darrell with a ’letter of regret’ over the incident, they never formally apologized and stated that while they regretted what had happened, they claimed absolute no responsibility for it.
And it seems that’s when things got a bit nasty.
Underhanded comments. Social isolati
on. The general attitude in the workplace that even though the accusations were false, Darrell had done something wrong. He became the most unpopular guy in DFAT.
Not that anyone would acknowledge it.
Darrell believes the attitudes he was encountering every day while working in the job he had loyally enjoyed for almost a decade were a major contributing factor to the severe case of depression he had, at that time, just been diagnosed with. Personally, I’d inclined to agree– anyone who has deal with a miserable job, no matter the circumstances, knows the effect it can have on your greater life in general. When your previously awesome job suddenly becomes miserable due to false accusations and underhanded bullying and mistreatment…
Darrell took stress leave from his job, six weeks initially. He was medically diagnosed with severe depression. ComCare, the body in charge of handling workers compensation cases in the ACT, determined that Darrell’s workplace was a major contributing factor in his illness.
But, on a technicality, ComCare have a ’no fault’ policy. So even when there is someone to blame, they can’t.
As we’ve discussed before, Darrell is a pretty awesome kind of guy. He read my message, to speak, and he took the path less traveled by men in our society– he spoke up. He told his workplace that he had an illness, that he needed leave, that things weren’t cool right now. He also spoke up amongst his friends, family and FaceBook– and, like a lot of people, some of his FaceBook friends were his colleagues. So they knew he was sick, too.
On returning to his workplace from his round of medical leave, his colleagues were asked privately and confidentially if anyone had any issues with Darrell returning to his office and position. No one said anything except ‘Welcome back Darrell!’ But Darrell felt that at least one staff member had chosen to cease any communication with him, and the atmosphere in his direct workspace felt unpleasant.
Darrell requested repeatedly to be transferred to the adjoining office space, in the same position but sharing a physical space with different people, in order to make the working environment more comfortable for everyone. This was denied.
The vibe that had traced Darrell before his sick leave was still there. Amongst other things, a union representative witnessed a senior staff member in an official meeting imply that Darrell’s work ethic was below par by announcing that Darrell was the only senior staff member to attend multiple appointments with his superiors in the last year, in regards to performance. In actual fact, Darrell had organized those meetings on his own initiation to discuss how he could improve his performance ranking from ’performing well’ to ’performing exceptionally’.
There were other incidents too– a staff member of considerably less experience being promoted ahead of Darrell for overseas posting, disregarding his suitably and skill level.
Union officials reported that the tone of harassment and bullying increased over the next few months and become more evident in every meeting they witnessed.
After dealing with this for months on end, returning home anxious and distressed every day; Darrell again took sick leave for severe depression. His superiors have leveled accusations at Darrell of being ’unable to handle disappointment’ and ’carrying baggage’. Darrell maintains strongly that even in the midst of his illness his work performance was excellent, and all performance ratings attest to exactly that. His performance has never been questioned, and documentation attests to this.
The only thing that changed was that Darrell got sick. He was stressed, but Darrell is a bit of a perfectionist, and while his home life was greatly affected, his work performance was not.
While on sick leave, Darrell again applied for a new position within the Department. The month before, Darrell’s performance rating was strong, and he had been second in line for a similar promotion. At the time of the application, Darrell discovered that his performance ranking had dropped considerably,considerably; leaving him very unlikely to be successful for the position he was applying for.
How does someone’s performance become so suddenly unsatisfactory, in the space of a month, when most of that time is spent at home on leave? Had Darrell had a broken leg, would the outcome have been the same?
Darrell’s letters of complaint and verbal concerns have been either out rightly ignored or wholly dismissed. Where he has received a response, it’s said, in basis, that the DFAT have done their job in providing a ’safe and secure’ workplace and that no one had actually done anything wrong.
Of course.
The case is, as far as the relevant bodies are concerned, closed; and disciplinary action has been threatened should Darrell persist with the accusations.
Darrell is still currently on sick leave but is planning to return to work as soon as possible. However, on his return to work, he will be ineligible for promotion or training for a period yet undetermined. It could be fourteen weeks. It could be three years. He’s waiting on this decision to be made before he can begin duties again.
That’s not a punishment, of course, a potential three year ban on any kind of advancement or training within DFAT. It’s simply due to his medical condition. It’s policy. Despite Darrell’s repeated requests for a written copy of this policy, none if forthcoming as yet.
After all, workplaces are allowed to take into account the health of employees when considering them for certain roles. They’re not doing anything wrong.
But honestly, how does that work? To engage a blanket ban on someone for all positions within a company, including further training, because they’ve taken leave for a mental illness? Isn’t that the very basis of discrimination, and described by the United Nations Human Rights Council?
Doesn’t logic imply that if someone is depressed, removing any opportunities for advancement within their work environment is only going to hinder their recovery and damage their sense of self esteem and competence?
Keeping in mind here that Darrell’s work performance has consistently been strong. Despite numerous accusations and implicit threats, Darrell’s performance in his job has never been formally questioned.
If he’d had a broken ankle, requiring six weeks of leave, then a further six weeks at a later time for reconstructive surgery, would he facing the same potential ban on his return? If he was in remission from cancer, would he be subjected to this? And even if, given the complexities of consular duties, he was unable to return to the exact position he had before he got sick; would they blanket ban a cancer sufferer, someone who has had their wisdom teeth pulled, a mother returning from a bad case of post–natal depression?
I doubt it. What makes Darrell’s case any different? Now, because I’m all kinds of psychic, I’m going to address some concerns here before they’re raised. If you’re going to start saying things like “Oh, but he’s got depression– he must be awful to work with!” or “Hmmm, depression, it’s highly possible he’s in a state where he’s too apathetic to do any work at all. Can’t blame an employer for that… workers gotta work!” or “How can he be trusted to deal with overseas officials if he might break down in tears or yell at them or something!?” or “Dude, I don’t blame them– what if he loses his shit and goes all postal and comes to work with a gun or something?!”… or, God help us, you even want to try “But technically, they’re not doing anything at all”… then I see those statements, and I say bullshit.
Having depression doesn’t mean you’re unpleasant,
or lazy, or teary or even outwardly moody. It doesn’t mean you’re necessarily unsafe. It doesn’t mean you’re a risk to yourself or others, in any way– you can be depressed and be safe, that’s what managing risk factors is all about. It doesn’t mean you’re going to be rude, or cold or insecure or anxious. It doesn’t mean you’re going to go nuts and start shooting people.
It just means you’re fucking depressed. And that has so many different possible symptoms, and how you experience it, how it effects your life, differs from person to person.
Darrell admits that his social interaction with his colleagues were stunted and strained, especially in the weeks before his first period of sick leave, and concedes that this was partly due to his depression. But there’s also that silent undertone of bullying that was happening in unison… chicken, or egg?
Once again– Darrell’s work performance has been excellent throughout his ten years of employment with the DFAT. I’ve seen the documentation that relates to this, and I can vouch for that– there has been no recorded slide in his work performance over the period of his employment, including the periods he was suffering from depression. His work ethic and results produced have been consistently strong, he’s worked with with the Australian consulate on various international crises, including the bombings in Bali and London and the tsunami in Japan. Despite numerous accusations and implicit threats, Darrell’s performance in his job has never been questioned– he has been an above average employee, dismissing personal hobbies and obligations in order to put more time into the position he loved, the one he’d relocated his wife and very young family to be in.
His union delegate is convinced not only of the unfairness of this; but reports that the undertone of bullying, threat and patronization has been present and increasing in the DFAT’s face to face meetings and in their verbal and written communication with Darrell.
The incidence and culture of workplace bullying in government departments, especially those centered in the ACT, is so well known that it was reported to me in casual conversation every time I bought this topic up In Real Life, the reputation of government departments precedes them. While the DFAT and other departments all have internal counselors available to their staff, employees who seek them out report being recommended that they seek another job if they “can’t handle the stress” of DFAT, while other issues are ignored and played down.
Employees report that this kind of stigma is fairly common, and that many employees suffering from a mental illness fund their own necessary leave utilizing sick leave, holiday pay and finally taking leave without pay, some for as long as twelve months; rather than submit a claim for compensation to ComCare. Maybe as a slow reverse of this practice, the successful mental health claims that have gone through ComCare have increased 57% in the past twelve months. Despite this, the culture remains well known and prevalent.
Less than twelve months ago, a woman working for another government department in Canberra her own life, with a contributing factor being repeated and chronic workplace stress. Trent Smith battled his case through the court system for three years, costing taxpayers one hundred and fifty millions dollars, in order to have his job in the DFAT reinstated after a spate of bullying, harassment and false accusations– and he won. It was ordered that his role be reinstated, he be offered a full apology and financial retribution for suffering and lost wages. A recent investigation exposed the long standing culture of bullying and harassment in another government department, despite ComCare’s ’no fault’ policy; but even as long ago as 1997 there were claims that consistent harassment from opposing staff members was a significant factor in the attempted suicide of Nick Sherry.
After researching the events that took place after Trent Smith initially spoke out against bullying in the DFAT, I ask Darrell– aren’t you worried? Aren’t you scared? (Because I am, just a little– it’s been quite a time since I was this nervous hitting publish.)
“Yes”, he says, “but no. My career is gone, everything I have worked so hard at for ten years now. I feel awful for my wife and kids. I’ve effectively lost the only job I’ve ever wanted to do.
But I’m not going to let this happen to anyone else. Someone needs to speak about this, and what’s the worst they can to me now? There is no chance of advancement within the department– I’ve been blocked at every turn for the last few years.
I just don’t want anyone else to go through this. Someone needs to break the silence, and if that’s me, then…” I can almost hear his sad but good natured shrug over the phone line, “that’s the way it is.”
And I think– damn straight. Because that’s bravery– being afraid. But taking a deep breath, putting your thick skin on, and doing what needs to be anyway.
Just last week, Julia Gillard announced a national review into workplace bullying. The review board will be seeking stories and submissions from family members, victims of workplace bullying and the general community. Here’s to hoping she looks closely at the upper echelons of her own departments as well as blue collar, non–union transport depots.
The more people who speak out about this, the more transparent it becomes, the awareness grows, and it dissolves the power that comes with insidious false accusations, snide remarks, social isolation, stand over techniques and all the other tactics of adult bullies that can be so easily dismissed and glazed over if you allow yourself to do that. I freaking hate bullies. I really, really hate the bleats of “But they’re not doing anything at all!!” from people who are willfully ignorant or socially un-empathetic.
What if? What if no one had shown Darrell this website? What if they had and it hadn’t helped? Would there be another mother explaining to her heartbroken kids where daddy’s gone and why he can’t come back, more little boys without their hero? Would there be another devastated widow who’s lost the love of her life? Another family shattered by guilt and pain and grief?
I can’t stand the thought of that. If I have a voice here, then let me use it. And, Darrell, if you’re going down, let’s go with bang that echoes through the silence; and perhaps watch some big men puff out their chests and beat them.
This culture of harassment and bullying in the workplace has to be stopped. Before it, quite literally, kills someone else.
It’s silent, and seething, and, technically, it follows all the rules. And it’s hurting people, and breaking up families. It’s ruining people’s lives.
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Liar, Liar… – RRSAHM
Liar, Liar…
“You can be anything you want to be online. Why do so many people choose stupid?”
If you read this blog… do you trust me?
Why…?
I’ll confess I am an inherently trusting person– trust is my default setting and I’m always shocked and hurt upon discovering I can’t trust someone in the way I thought I could. That extends to online interactions and the social medias; to blogging, to Twitter, to Internet dating.
I was accused of lying on this blog in an anonymous comment a few weeks ago. It’s not the first time I’ve been accused of lying. But it’s the first time that accusation came with no emotional undertones, no nastiness and blame. This accusation was based on my facts not adding up, mathematically.
And it just pissed off no end.
It pissed me off more that it made it’s way under my skin, when we all know most anonymous comments are fifty percent troll and twenty percent coward. But it made me seethe, sent me hurtling to defend myself– which is, of course, the best way to make yourself look like you are deceiving someone.
Anyway. I wasn’t. And I think it annoyed so much because, dammit, I have done nothing but told the raw truth in this space for the last eighteen months. And I’ve bled for it, been flagellated not only by strangers but by people who I once thought loved me. And I’ve stuck firm, held my head up high, cried a thousand tears… and kept writing.
After all that, why would I lie about something so simple, when the story without it would have been enough…? When it was so dramatically coincidentally that it sounded like a fable anyway?
Do I not have enough drama on my blog already?
Whatever. The irony of it is such a kick in the head. I remember, somewhere in the murky haze of those first few days After, waiting with a sliding paranoia for someone to accuse me of lying, call me a troll. Again, it was a story so remarkable that it almost seemed fiction, and I wouldn’t be surprised, nor would I blame anyone for it, if there had been a few covert enquiries made to ensure I was telling the truth.
The further we trek into the After, the less I worry about that– it never crosses my mind, to be honest. Surely, the work involved in carrying on such a long, arduous second life would surely be too monstrous to attempt.
Then I read this article and that theory was blown out right out of the interwebs.
Emily Dirr pretended to be someone else for eleven years. Apparently- if you can believe anything at all in this particularly twisted destined-to-become urban myth- she grew with the Internet, from LiveJournal to MySpace to FaceBook, weaving a story that seemed plausible. How many bloggers do you know with extended, blended families; living lives so very different from your own? Isn’t that why we read other people’s blogs to begin with?
The story of J.S. Dirr, the digital entity Emily created, only untangled when reality bulged just that little too far past the boundaries of normal. After Dana Dirr, wife and mother to their nineteen children (step, adopted, fostered and natural) was run over on Christmas Eve, while pregnant with another child, on her way to work as a life–saving trauma surgeon…. someone took a closer look.
I can’t imagine why, really. Even compared to my story, that seems totally plausible.
Back when I first began blogging- when I was fresh meat at the time and had no real bearing on what was happening- there were a few women I knew on Twitter who, it came out, were duped by another blogger they believed they had supported through both a coma and chemotherapy. Even without knowing the finer details, and only just beginning to form friendships with the innocent parties, the sense of hurt and betrayal when this woman’s house of cards fell down was palpable.
They tell you not to believe everything you read, especially here online where identities are only as good as an email address and you can be whoever you please. Don’t we all someone who just doesn’t seem to add up, who gives you that funny ringing in the back of your mind that something is just not right…?
I’ve said before, good blogging is good story telling, and that involves omitting some details and emphasizing others. But that’s as far as it should go, surely. I know of at least one blogger who is happy to state her blog is thirty percent truth, seventy percent fiction– isn’t that pushing the balance of entertaining people with your truth and lying to them a bit too far?
It’s a rock and a metaphorical hard place. It’s not cynical, just practical and logical, to be aware that some people simply don’t have the sense of morals or truth or ethics (call it self–righteousness, for sure) as me or you might possess. It’s not something I like– my husband often accused me of living in some kind of fairy land where everyone was inherently good and people could be trusted– but that’s life, and forgetting that seems to be an almost guaranteed way of getting yourself hurt, embarrassed or taken advantage of.
But when the Internet is your community, that changes things. I’ve blogged before about the way online interaction is a healthy substitute for the direct psychical support of other women, other mothers; and IBM seems to agree that the further we hurtle into the 21st century, the more of our socializing will be done online. With that in mind, don’t we have a right to assume that the people we are talking to on Twitter or FaceBook, the person who’s blog or Tumblr we are following, is authentic, real, flesh and blood and exactly who they say they are?
Probably not. But we don’t even have that right when it comes to face to face, In Real Life contact– everything is, potentially, a scam, a lie or a threat.
You tie all those strings together– the digital, the Reality, the mediums used the communicate and the propensity of potential liars around– and you’re left with a strange, amateur crochet of an evolving society. Societies become communities when bonds are formed, and for that to happen, there has to be some level of trust, some sense of exposing of your vulnerabilities in the light of people’s ability to tread all over them, and their choice not to.
We have a community here. We expect authenticity from the people we feel we have a connection with. If we didn’t, it wouldn’t hurt so much, inspire so much anger, when we discover things just aren’t what they seem.
Leave a Comment
{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
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July 23, 2012 at 6:33 pm -
I also am trusting and don't understand why people lie. Life is complex enough without adding lies you have to remember to the truth. Love your blog. Your descriptions of your headspace help me understand my DP better. He had some traumatic stuff happen 16 years ago that still consumes him somedays, so I really appreciate you verbalising some of the difficulties you have dealing with the day to day.
- July 23, 2012 at 5:06 pm
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I trust you Lori and I believe in you and your words . Though I never knew you were a TV star and Captain Starlight's go to girl till the other day.
I don't understand why people lie online but I have known it often and discovered it on a forum myself.
I sometimes wonder if my own life is a lie it is so dramatic
. Forget them Lori xox. - July 23, 2012 at 1:19 pm
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Your blog, your way. Your story of your life. Your perspective. We read because of you. You may blog but my dear girl, you are a writer. A scribe. A wordsmith. Embellish or not to embellish?? Well… Isn't that a writers… Right?
Xx K - July 23, 2012 at 12:46 pm
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Like a few others have commented, it hasn't occurred to me that you would lie on your blog – why would you? What point would that prove?
Personally, I couldn't be bothered lying on my blog. I do sometimes change a few details because I try to keep fairly anonymous for the sake of my poor husband. But lying? Nah, too many things to remember.
- July 23, 2012 at 12:42 pm
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Having been married to a pathological liar and psychopath, I know how for some people can go.Yes, it has made me less trusting, but it hasn't stopped me from blogging my truth. As crazy and unlikely it may seem.
- July 23, 2012 at 2:10 pm
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"… Dana Dirr was hit head-on while driving to the Saskatchewan hospital where she worked as a trauma surgeon. She was 35 weeks pregnant, but determined to work until the moment she gave birth. The morning after the crash, her husband John ("J.S.") Dirr posted a note on Warrior Eli, a Facebook page the Dirrs had created to document their 5-year-old son Eli's battle with cancer: "Last night at 12:02am I lost the love of my life," J.S. wrote. "I lost my wife, the mother of my children, and my best friend." Miraculously, Dana had held on in the hospital just long enough to have her baby—a daughter, and the Dirr's eleventh child."
Lori, I copied & pasted to get the facts, just the facts Ma'am.
It's ok to get the two stories mixed up. I've read both the Dirr story & yours.
I don't have a maths brain – Shelley – you could have done the same thing as me. Read both stories & got the numbers mixed. I shall grant you the benefit of the doubt, which is more than you've granted Lori!.
I found Lori in "The After". I then went back to read about her "Before". I have had the pleasure and the pain, laughed, wept… through her journey. I have watched her grow in both writing & stature, her beatiful children grow, the loves & losses of people & pets. I BELIEVE EVERYTHING Lori says, because I believe IN HER!!!
That is MY opinion. This beautiful woman, Lori tells her story from her heart. If you don't like what Lori writes – you can always "change the channel"!!
Thank you Lori, I stuggled with the maths for my Da's life – in the end, dates don't matter, time does.
- July 22, 2012 at 8:57 pm
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Look up " Abbi McMahon " and " Mummy Abbi" on Facebook . The father of her first four children died in a motorbike accident, prior to that she had a stillborn daughter . Then, her twin sons died in a car crash. Her nephew also died of S.I.D.S. Other casualties appear along the way. Nothing adds up. All the pictures of the kids have faces hidden, no photos of the twins etc. The person who comments on her photos and confirms the stories ? Peta Galea, formerly Peta Ahern. She has also done it on previous profiles and been outed ….
- July 22, 2012 at 11:26 am
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The EXACT reason why I cannot blog. Nobody would believe me. Because my life is so far from normal. Whatever normal is.
I believe you.
Honestly, I wish I DIDN'T.
Sigh. - July 22, 2012 at 3:56 am
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I believe you
I was accused of exaggerating the other day. It hurt very much. But what it made me see was that they thought I was exaggerating my emotional reaction. I retell the story and mimic a person – I change how they said something – the tone- based on how I heard it. Does that make sense? I am not trying to lie. If anything it just shows more truly how this thing that happened to me was perceived by me. The other thing is, I will say something really upset me and I will share my inner dialogue. People who were there say, but you looked fine so you must have been fine. No. I am telling an accurate story. This us what happened to and in me. That's how stories are always told. It's my perception and my feelings neither of which are ever exaggerated. THAT is what people don't seem to understand.
- July 21, 2012 at 10:35 pm
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You know my stance.
I can't be bothered lying.
I openly admit to omitting, but I feel omission and lying are two different things.
Stories become to long and arduous without some omission.I read and respond to everything as if it were the truth. Who am I to say otherwise?
But yeah, if you don't add up, I follow my gut. Trust your instincts people, and if they're not going off? Then you take what is in front of you to be the truth. - July 21, 2012 at 5:56 pm
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Perhaps I could compare your blogging experience to my internet dating oydessey, prior to meeting Dadabulous. The overwhelming majority of the guys I met were decent and genuine as I am sure 99.9% of your blog followers are. However there was one individual who came on like a hurricane which should have been a warning sign. His story started plausible but became increasing outrageous with each passing day. He claimed to have done a PHD and played in a band – yet I could find no google evidence of either. I even rang his alleged workplace only to be told there was no person of that name employed there. Luckily for me, he simply stopped calling. Of course I was peeved and annoyed at myself more than anything. Nevertheless I had entered the online arena knowing full well that I could encounter some nut cases. The good that came from my RSVP experience by far outweighed the bad and now I have a wonderful husband and two girls to show for it. So steel yourself Lori, the rewards you reap from this blog are worth it.
Good luck
mumabulous@mum-abulous.com - July 21, 2012 at 1:15 am
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I can only say that this blog strikes me as honest, which is part of the appeal of the writing, the honesty.
However, I understand that storytellers will add or amend (I'd use embellish but that seems to ahve been used negatively already) for the sake of a good tale. My husband does this – he revises the story for comedic effect, it's mostly true but bits will be exaggerated for the sake of a laugh for example. Our daughter will always look to me after he tells one of his stories and asks "Is that truth?" because she knows he makes things up.
Then there's the other little white people say like "I'm fine" because you just know no one wants to hear how things really are (I may do this one).
I'm not sure anyone is truly honest all the time. But the essentials, the foundations of who they are and what they think are a different beast to the social niceties everyone engages in at times I think.
- July 21, 2012 at 10:36 am
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It's never occured to me not to take everything I've read on your blog as being true.
Even the post in question, probably because I've talked to plenty of older people who have shared their stories and even though later I know something's muddled, I wouldn't dare question them and instead take on board their story because it's their story, the way they've told it, whether it happened exactly as they told it, or not. It's how they remember it. - July 21, 2012 at 12:28 am
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I think anyone who wants to scrimp over such small details such as the age/familial status in that story, I would go with the fact that they're a complete troll. There has been nothing but brutal honesty on this blog since the before, and especially since the after. Shame on people for being such jerks.
- July 20, 2012 at 10:04 pm
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Oh Lori – honey – I am sure if you had wanted to tell lie or embellish a story you would have chosen a far happier one for you and your beautiful children. x Hugs xxx
- July 20, 2012 at 9:18 pm
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Anon for this one….
a friend has a sister that faked her child having cancer for several years. She had the child's father (they didn't live together), her parents, her sisters and brother EVERYONE fooled. What was a simple skin lesion that required treatment she faked to became cancer. She even shaved the poor childs head to convince us she had chemo. She scammed a cancer charity of various things including a car, holidays and other special activities meant for sick children. This lasted at least 2 years.
It all came undone when she finally had a mental breakdown trying to keep on top of the web of lies and had her 6 children (5 diff fathers) removed and into the care of her sister. 3 of them stayed with her for well over a year, the youngest ones went into foster care. Needless to say she does not have custody of that child any more, she lives with her dad now, but she has gotten her other children back bar the eldest who still lives with the sister.
There are people out there unfortunately!!!
- July 20, 2012 at 7:44 pm
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Lynda shame on you!
- July 20, 2012 at 6:57 pm
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Shelly, the article is linked right there… if there's something you need to clarify me on, please do so. The facts as recorded here, are taken from the article linked.
- July 21, 2012 at 1:07 am
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I agree with Sarah.. & I could never tell a life of lies & am certain you don't either. Aint life hard enough living it truthfully? Who wants to mess with "now who did I say that to, what was the day I did that" I'm trusting but have learned over many years to hold back a little before fully engaging with those I am yet to know well. You? easy! Done xxxx
- July 20, 2012 at 2:11 pm
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I haven't been reading your blog long, so I'm not sure why someone would feel the need to make such an accusation. If I didn't think a blog was truthful, I'd simple switch. It's not like there aren't enough blogs in the world to find something that resonates personally.
I hope that this persons comment hasn't changed the perspective of believing. I personally approach new people with the assumption they're being truthful. This has backfired several times in real life, but never with online connections (that I know of anyway!).
I don't think there is an expectation that bloggers share all. It's not realistic and it would only be one perspective anyway. Chin up, don't worry what others say! If they don't want to read, it's their loss
- July 20, 2012 at 1:46 pm
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You have the facts of the Emily Dirr story all messed up.
- July 20, 2012 at 11:30 am
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Ahhh Lynda, why thanks so much. Because, really, as I said, I don't have enough drama on my blog?
I only wish I were embellishing… Wouldn't that be nice…? - July 20, 2012 at 10:24 am
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Dude if you're lying, you're pretty freakin' good at it
- July 20, 2012 at 10:08 am
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Great post Lori and you are so right when you say…
"With that in mind, don't we have a right to assume that the people we are talking to on Twitter or FaceBook, the person who's blog or Tumblr we are following, is authentic, real, flesh and blood and exactly who they say they are?
Probably not. But we don't even have that right when it comes to face to face, In Real Life contact– everything is, potentially, a scam, a lie or a threat."
- July 20, 2012 at 9:51 am
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I would not say that you out and out lie (as anon accused) however I do feel you have a tendency to embellish.
- July 20, 2012 at 9:50 am
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Wow. Why would anyone accuse you of lying? If you don't like the blog switch off.
I agree with Ann Mouse Keep telling your story to help others tell theirs
- July 20, 2012 at 8:52 am
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I find that if your life story even slightly deviates from what people conceive to be "normal", then they struggle to believe it and perhaps think you are spinning lies.
Hardly anyone knows my "life story" because to be honest, at times, I think about it and wonder if it's a piece of fiction because really how could anyone have not only gone through what I've gone through but then come out the other side as well? But it IS true and I did go through it and I have come out the other side and yes I'm still battling every single day and yes I do have demons but it's easier to keep it all to myself because I'm tired of having to convince people that yes my life story IS true whenever I need to talk to someone, anyone about it. That's been the hardest part, needing to talk about it but not trusting anyone enough to not judge me in order to do so.
We all tell a story online, yes some may stretch the truth but there are others, like you and me Lori, who WISH our stories had been the truth stretched because at least that would mean we weren't living them, in all their truth and raw detail. I've found one person to completely open up with online. He's been a friend, he's listened, most importantly he hasn't judged and I can never thank him enough for that.
Keep telling your story, in all it's raw brutality because when you do, you pave the way for the rest of us to tell ours.
- July 20, 2012 at 6:50 pm
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some people are just assholes!!, plain and simple minded people that clearly have boring lives keeping telling your story and those that love you will keep listening xx
- July 20, 2012 at 8:41 am
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I once loved someone and later found out he lied aboutnhisnentire life online. I wrote about it here.
http://carlyfindlay.blogspot.co.uk/2011/04/online-deception-one-that-never-was.html
I find the psychology of Internet use interesting and enjoyed studying it for my thesis.
Previous post: The Worst Cook In The World
Next post: Medicine Woman- Apothecary, Part Two.
Random Ramblings of a SAHM: Lucky.
Oh my. – RRSAHM
Oh my.
Herumph,
Just thought I’d share with y’all the totally healthy foods included with a big boxed set of plastic kitchen goodies that the Chop’s best mate, Princess BoofHead, was given recently.
Hmmm. The biccies, donuts, ice cream I can totally cope with. The chips look suspiciously like they may have come from a certain fast food chain. The hot dog? Disturbing on so many levels, as hot dogs generally are.
But I’d have to say the award for Most Inappropriate Inclusion in a Children’s Toy goes to these bottles here.
Sauce bottles, perhaps? No, look closer. Is that a Coke logo I see…? Not quite, but pretty bloody close.
Forget the milk, forget the OJ, let’s throw two bottles of cola in with the mix. Why hello, childhood obesity and bad eating habits, I didn’t see there. How on earth did I miss you?
OK, so really it’s not quite as bad as the Macca’s Drive Thru playset (who buys these things for their kids, honestly? Show yourselves!) But it comes a close second.
Just as an aside thought here, who dressed this poor kid?! Part hand me down hand knit, part Greg Wiggle.
And here’s my muchly hypocritical effort at catching the kids on film (or memory card, at least), doing a “Cheers!” with the plastic Coke. Chill out, OK? They are two, neither of them know what Coke is, and the bottles have since been hidden.
The Chop was far more interested in the plastic ice cream, true to form. The kid pretends anything is an ice ream, including toy cars and the face washer in the bath. And please excuse the crap-tastic-ness of the piccie- as we’ve established previously, busy toddlers are very difficult to catch on film memory card.
Anyway, the point I’m getting to (kinda)- is it just me? Or is plastic Coke for little kids just a bit… wrong?
Leave a Comment
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
- May 13, 2010 at 9:10 pm
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Hey, don't get more wrong, Coke is totally my thing too- I choose Coke over coffee.
And don't dob me in Brenda, Coke guys have all kinds of powers…
- May 12, 2010 at 11:48 pm
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Soda of any kind is off limits to my son. However Coke is one of my favorite things on earth. I have limited my intake to one can a day but still.
Also, my cousins and I used to play McDonalds drive through on our big wheels when we were kids. That was one of our favorite games. But back then, MCD was a treat, not a regular thing like it is now. I think I went there maybe 5 times by the time I was 10.
Eek. Don't hate me. ; ) - May 12, 2010 at 7:36 pm
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Hey girlie – thanks for stopping by and becoming a new follower – I am now your latest follower as well. :o) Regarding the coke issue and such, I have to agree with you. My kids are both almost 17 yo and we still don't allow them to have Cokes here at home but once in a great while and they are both tall and skinny people – but Coke is so bad for a person that it doesn't matter the age or the size. I gave up drinking them a few months back (for Lent) and haven't missed them since. Thankfully, my kids tend to prefer water over most soft drinks too. Big hugs! :o)
- May 12, 2010 at 3:07 pm
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I've seen those MacDonald's sets in the toy store, and was horrified! I just can't imagine many people would buy that stuff!
Lori – have just read some or you posts, including the link to the shoe one. Thank you!
Seems many have the issues with shoes and their kids!
- May 12, 2010 at 2:04 pm
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When I first looked at the bottles I thought they were beer, was actually relieved to learn they were cola. For a minute there I was thinking perhaps it was manufactured in Alabama.
- May 12, 2010 at 1:11 pm
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I've seen that MacDonalds drive through at Big W a few years ago.
Coke, in a play set OMG! I love how it says "cold drink" but the colours so obviously point to only one thing *rolls eyes*
- May 12, 2010 at 12:49 pm
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So wrong!!
I've never offered my kids soft drink (especially Coke) and they've never asked for it. (They're 5 & 2)
If they offered it by someone else they say "Yuck", not even coached by me. - May 12, 2010 at 11:23 am
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There is a very twisted part of me that would want the Macca's drive through playset. Still though I am in shock that one even exists!
- May 12, 2010 at 11:08 am
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Yep, wrong wrongity wrong. I'll ask Coke Dude to read your post.=)
Previous post: For Any Mother Who May Pass This Way (Nothing funny about this post, folks)
Next post: Operation: Eat More… Move Less?
Random Ramblings of a SAHM: So Damn Cool I Need My Own Soundtrack.
RUOK- Part Two. – RRSAHM
RUOK- Part Two.
Remember, back when I went to film for RUOK Day?
Here’s the finished product.
Grab the button. Spread the word. Ask the question… speak the truth.
I have bad hair. I did ask the camerman to check that… he promised to take care of it. Dammit.
Leave a Comment
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
- August 31, 2011 at 2:54 pm
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I love you Lori. You never cease to inspire me. I have no doubt that you are saving lives every day. xo
- August 22, 2011 at 4:39 pm
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Well done, you're fab xx
- August 22, 2011 at 9:15 am
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"I knew that something was wrong. I didn't know it was *that* wrong."
You are beautiful, Lori xox
- August 21, 2011 at 11:33 am
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Excellent. ♥
- August 21, 2011 at 9:21 am
- August 20, 2011 at 6:30 pm
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Information is power and you are providing superb info for others who may find themselves in similar positions. Many thanks.
- August 20, 2011 at 12:47 pm
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Very brave. I don't know that I would have had the guts.
- August 20, 2011 at 9:12 am
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You're a very brave woman Lori.
Thank you for speaking out. - August 20, 2011 at 2:25 am
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Hey, I think that's well edited and you look natural. If you were 'all made up' it would look false. Well done x
- August 20, 2011 at 1:10 am
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Here's hoping that talking about this horrible experience you and your children have gone through can save another life. Great video! *hugs*
- August 19, 2011 at 11:03 pm
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If your speaking out can change one life, it's a victory! Keep up the good work!!
- August 19, 2011 at 10:07 pm
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What you are doing is so important.
- August 19, 2011 at 10:01 pm
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xxx
- August 19, 2011 at 9:55 pm
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You are such a wonderful woman Lori xx
- August 19, 2011 at 10:14 pm
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Nice. Keep it up, Lori – you're doing a lot of good for a lot of people, including yourself. ((HUG))
Previous post: Giant.
Next post: Another New House In Paradise….
I think the Interwebs are Following me. – RRSAHM
I think the Interwebs are Following me.
Howyadoin’,
First off, don’t panic. It’s not that you’ve missed the finer details until now. My blog has been re-pimped by the muchly awesome Blog Designs By Sarah. RRSAHM now includes a contact thingie, and a Best Bits page. Huzzah! Here is Sarah’s button. Click it. Follow her. She has… dare I say it… blog design freebies at her place. Go there, steal them, feel OK about it. Double huzzah!!
Meanwhile, Disqus has hit the dust. As I mentioned, I was starting to feel a bit stalked. It’s not Disqus’s fault, really. Disqus just kind of compounded the Interweb heebie jeebies I’ve been getting over here..
Has anyone noticed what’s going on? We could sing a song about it.
The Twitter’s connected to the Disqus
The Disqus’s connected to the FaceBook
The FaceBook’s connected to everything
And everything’s connected to the Google God!
Scary stuff.
Just to clarify here, with the whole Disqus issue because, creepily, the Disqus people may be reading this right now, one friend (hi, Ez) clicked into a post from Twitter and left a comment. Which was then published on Twitter. And Disqus automatically published her full name, because that’s what’s in her Twitter details.
And it seems the Disqus people are helpful. Very helpful. I Tweeted that I was having a few ish-ews installing the program. And Disqus Help found me and Tweeted me back. And then came and left me a test comment. Doo doo doo doo.
Disqus also shows every comment you’ve ever entered on a Disqus comment form. Which is OK, I guess. But I like to comment and forget. I don’t want my comments following me around all the time like little lost Interweb puppy dogs.
So, Disqus is on the ball? You betcha. And a wee bit stalker-ish? Why indeedy yes.
When I connected my Disqus, I decided not to go for the FarceBook LameBook FailBook BookFace FaceBook sign in preference. And, as usually happens, someone wanted it. So I went back to change it. And that’s where things fell apart, really.
Whatever. The point is, I didn’t select the FaceBook sign in doovie (that’s a like a thingie, Yankee Lori, not a joint) to start with because I find it a bit.. well… scary. FaceBook knows enough about me, surely, without needing to know I left a comment here or signed up to a blog network there. Does FaceBook control the Internet these days? Quite frankly, I was more comfortable with the Google God. And, hey, everybody hates FaceBook anyway. It’s a necessary evil.
Again, whatever. We are all connected. FaceBook links to Twitter which links to Disqus which doesn’t link to Google which links to the Windows Live network which links to MSN which links backs to FaceBook which also links to WordPress which links to Google which links to Twitter which links to Yahoo which links to YouTube.
I’m starting to think anonymity and unaccountability on the Interwebs is no longer an option… is it just me? Are there those amongst us who are totally comfortable with Big Google Face Brother?
Oh, and… *ahem*… I have a new Share function at the bottom of my posts, you see. So you can share me on FaceBook, twitter, et cetera and so forth. Click it. Go on. It kind of makes me feel like a Google whore. And a hypocrite. But I’m OK with that.
Leave a Comment
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
- May 29, 2010 at 7:19 am
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I really don't like Disqus. As someone who tries to comment, it is just a PITA! Sometimes it doesn't even work so I can't comment. I'm happy with blogger comments and not having to enter all my deets in everytime I try to comment somewhere!
- May 28, 2010 at 6:16 am
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Disqus? I have absolutely no idea what you are talking about which make me think I am a techno-peasant but whatever it is/was I no longer want it, even though I didn't know what it was to begin with. Soooo …. thanks for warning me.
- May 28, 2010 at 10:06 am
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We're bloggers! Like celebrities we must forgo Anonymity! I don't even feel safe writing entries in Microsoft Word anymore!
- May 27, 2010 at 1:07 pm
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That illustration is hilarious and poignant at the same time! Thanks for clearing up the doovie thing – you Aussies have your strange expressions. yes, it's a little creepy how its all connected.
Tagged you for your thoughts on grumpiness if you're so inclined:
http://tinylittlereveries.blogspot.com/2010/05/things-that-make-me-grumpy-i-was-tagged.html - May 27, 2010 at 11:00 am
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Oh Jaysus, you could have at least told me that you all hate Disqus. Excuse me while I cry in my little corner over there.
Huhuhuhuhu…
PS. I love the re-pimped you, btw.
- May 27, 2010 at 9:38 am
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I keep my real identity and my blogger ID separate and intend to keep it that way. If "real" me could ever be linked back to "blog" me, I can't imagine the ramifications. I do side work in politics. My all out gush fests would ruin me!
- May 27, 2010 at 8:58 am
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I just have too many email addresses. On purpose. The only tricky part is remembering which email address I've used for what. Gmail, fb, family, business. I really don't want to stuff up and let fb know what I'm doing on blogs, or let work and family cross paths!
- May 27, 2010 at 7:40 am
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Phew glad that discus is gone!! Now I can comment freely and not have any creepoids know my full name!!!
Love the pimping too…good job Sarah! - May 27, 2010 at 7:31 am
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Oooh, that is all creepy stalker-ish. Me? I'm not technologically advanced enough to even consider getting Disqus – its good old Blogger commenst box for me!
- May 27, 2010 at 3:11 am
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I am glad that I read this, I was thinking about installing Disqus, because I like the idea that you can reply to a comment that someone leaves on your blog. Hmmmmmmmmmm….
- May 27, 2010 at 1:32 am
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Love the pic and your very technical language. Honestly I understand your thingy majiger language much better than actual tech talk.
- May 27, 2010 at 1:29 am
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I just installed tweetmeme on my blog. You might try that. No really. Go try it. http://www.wanderlustlust.com. Click on a post. Tweet it. Try it!!
- May 27, 2010 at 1:28 am
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Just tweeted you. But do you know? That I tweeted you? You don't get any notification, do you? (Other than this one, I mean.)
- May 27, 2010 at 1:26 am
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Oh. THAT share thingy. I have that on my blog too. Why didn't you say so?
And yeah. Disqus creeps me out too. I hate that someone can click on my name and see every comment I've left on everyone else's blog that uses Disqus.
- May 27, 2010 at 12:16 am
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Ew. Sounds creepy. I personally don't like disqus because It's not compatible with the data plan on my phone (thats what the IT guy told me anyway) so I can't use it.
I do MOST of my blog reading from the phone and well… I hate when I cant comment. (BRENDA, BRENDA AT MUMMY TIME, AND RATZ, AND JODIE..this goes for you! (wow. MEMEMEM much?))
Anyway, glad you are goin' with what works and doesn't creep you out. - May 26, 2010 at 11:40 pm
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Haha. So true. I just started using networked blogs and freaked myself out when it auto posted to my and suger coat it's profile. Was like… WAT!?
I will definately be skipping Diqus for now. But please don't tell them. Please. They might hunt me down.
Previous post: Roll up, Roll up..
Random Ramblings of a SAHM: Jeans and Stuff.
Co-Sleeping – RRSAHM
Co-Sleeping
I’ve always had this weird kind of conundrum when it comes to co-sleeping with my kids.
It’s so much easier to just let them crawl into my bed if need be. I was a single person in a two person bed, so there was plenty of room. It meant I got infinitely more sleep. And there’s something lovely about curling up next to the warmth of a little person, their sweet sleepy breath in your ear.
The Chop gave up sleeping in my bed years ago. The Bump has been crawling her sleepy sweet self into my bed for the last few years, and has shown no immediate signs of wanting to stop.
Now there are two people in the two people bed, and one of us isn’t as calloused as he will eventually be by the chronic sleep deprivation that comes with little kids, I’ve taken to dispatching myself to the Bump’s bed in the wee hours of the morning.
The girl child calls for me and (somewhat miraculously, given my constant, continuous level of tiredness) I respond. I slip in next to her warm, cuddly form in her small single bed. Once upon a month or so ago, she would have a steady reason to do so, every night. She would be cold, or scared, or have had a bad dream. She’s given up the charade completely now and simply says “Mummy! I want you in my bed!!”
The broken sleep messes with me. I’m not good when I’m tired. It makes all manner of PTSD and anxiety much, much worse. It lowers my immune system and causes dermatitis to rage over my hands and feet.
But at the same time, it’s almost kind of worth it. I know it won’t be like this forever. Ten years from now I may just be aching for the sweet softness of a child cuddled up next to me.
And besides that, I get it. It’s only human nature.
Who wants to sleep all by themselves, really, when the option of sleeping with someone beside you is there?
Leave a Comment
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
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October 5, 2013 at 1:26 am -
My daughter only gave up the midnight bed-hopping when we moved house a couple of years ago and no longer have a spare double bed to meet up in. She’s nearly 11 now and if I have to wake her in the mornings she scootches over and demands I lie down for a snuggle. I know it won’t last much longer so I’m all for taking my cuddles while I can!
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October 4, 2013 at 11:57 pm -
Just go with it for now. You’re right that it won’t last forever. My daughter is now 17 and it’s a rare thing for her to let me love on her even a little. She made me stop kissing her on the lips four or five years ago…she TOLERATES (barely) kisses on the cheek and hugs.
I know it will come back around that I won’t be a source of complete embarrassment, but for now, I’d give anything to have that snuggly little four year old come climbing into bed with me.
Marianne recently posted…Tolkien
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October 4, 2013 at 6:01 pm -
Ah yes, this too I can relate to!! The conundrum of the sweetness of cuddling with your child or even having them nestled beside your back, versus the screaming grumpy birch of tiredness from yet another crap night sleep. For me, if he would only sleep till say 3 or so before waking, well I could handle the last few hours cosleeping, but when he adds in a few extra wake ups, then I get so damned tired my skin hurts, my nerve endings feel cheese feathered and my loving mother self evaporates into irrational bitch.
But, yes, it’s not forever, and if its comforting and reassuring and fills your heart (mostly except when the tiredness cracks you) mostly it’s worth it. I think.
- October 4, 2013 at 6:03 pm
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And by cheese feathered I meant cheese gratered…
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October 4, 2013 at 6:00 pm -
I am having the same feelings about letting my baby sleep on me during the day. Its the easiest way to get her to sleep and stay asleep and I totally enjoy the cuddles, but at the same time everyone is in my ear about how its going to set me up for problems later on. I also get worse anxiety and dermatitis from broken sleep, but at the moment I think its worth it. In a couple of years I may look back and regret it, but for now I’m ok with it.
Toni recently posted…The greatest gift a man can give his daughter is to love her mother.
- October 5, 2013 at 1:22 am
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Toni, you can’t spoil a child with too much love. Enjoy your precious cuddles while you can
- October 5, 2013 at 1:41 pm
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That’s the conclusion I’ve come to Mel.
toni recently posted…The greatest gift a man can give his daughter is to love her mother.
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Previous post: All The Reasons Why.
Next post: Four Seasons In One Day.
Random Ramblings of a SAHM: A Post About Periods, Sexuality and Womanhood. Read at your own risk.
Splinters – RRSAHM
Splinters
My son is the spitting image of his father and it breaks my heart over and over again; while at the same time it’s a balm to the grief, a tiny piece of Tony still here, that I see grow and change every day.
How much is nature, and how much nurture? The Chop loves to lay and watch TV, the height of laziness being his ultimate relaxation. How much of that is because he remembers, and it brings him comfort, and how much is just because it’s passed down in some strange genetic form?
There’s other things too- the weak stomach and sensitivity to smells, the cheeky sense of humour. The way he sleeps- in sleep he is his father, right down to the curl of his lip pressed against the pillow.
Sometimes it’s when Chop smiles, sometimes it’s when he is grumpy and grits his teeth. Sometimes it’s something I can’t even pick- just a shadow of a movement, a memory made by muscles, a movement that makes me catch my breath.
It’s torture. It’s pleasure and ecstasy and love itself. It’s something I better get used to. I see so much of Tony in our son, and it has diminished none since his death… it seems to increase, as he gets older.
Nature, or nurture, or whatever it is… it’s a comfort, it’s pain. It’s my flesh and blood, and Tony’s, intertwined… a kind of living, walking memory that I can hold every day.
Leave a Comment
{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }
- February 11, 2012 at 3:50 pm
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Your children are both beautiful. And you're right, just from the few pics I've seen of Tony, Chop bears a striking resemblance to him, and Bump is mini you. Genetics are an amazing thing.
- February 4, 2012 at 8:26 pm
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I have the same, except here it's the other way around. Our three children all looked very much like Craig. They all had his mouth and chin, and the boys had his nose too. So for months (years even) I would look at Craig and see our three kiddies. Poignant and bitter, but I still love my man.
- February 3, 2012 at 4:07 am
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So beautiful, heartbreaking and poignant. Thank you for sharing.
- February 3, 2012 at 12:53 am
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Oh this gave me shivers. A mixed blessing to be sure, but a blessing nonetheless. Keeping you all in my thoughts, as ever.
- February 2, 2012 at 7:16 pm
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I relate to most of what you write Lori, but this one esepecially. I see my Jordan in her siblings all the time too. As time has passed, it stings less, and I smile more at it. My kids really love that connection to her, I'm sure yours will too. xx
- February 2, 2012 at 2:43 pm
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That's a lovely post Lori. I hope you will always look at your son and remember, with a smile.
- February 2, 2012 at 2:41 pm
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xxx
- February 2, 2012 at 12:46 pm
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So very bittersweet x
- February 2, 2012 at 10:40 am
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My kids are the spitting image of their father. I sympathise with how you're feeling.
The Chop sounds like he is an mazing bloke. He is going to help a lot of people in his life. - February 2, 2012 at 8:59 am
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Yes I know what you mean. My father has passed away, yet I can see so many likenesses in my brother. Sometimes I really want to see them because it gives me comfort, sometimes I can't bear it. T
- February 2, 2012 at 9:01 am
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What a handsome little fella! x
Previous post: #ChickenFail
Next post: One In A Million
Self Loathing. – RRSAHM
Self Loathing.
I hate myself and I want to die. No, that’s wrong. Kind of.
I don’t want to die. I just don’t want to feel like this any more.
Self loathing is most soul-destroying part of depression. Feeling flat is one thing. Despising yourself is another.
Hating yourself is a slippery thing. It rolls over and over itself, gaining momentum and thunder as it does.
I look in the mirror and I don’t like who I see. She makes me angry, this stupid, hopeless, lazy woman who is getting old quickly and can’t be satisfied with anything. She’s unappreciative, and not quite good enough, and sad.
Those are the thoughts run in my mind while I look at myself. Somewhere inside, someone- that five year old who lives in my head, maybe- is sobbing at me to stop, stop being so cruel, be kind to myself.
Once you start feeling that way about yourself, it’s difficult to keep up with it. Your thoughts run away with themselves. They drip like lurid green poison into your soul, tainting everything. They stick and they stain, and it takes a long time to rid yourself of them, once they start piling up.
I look in the mirror… and I don’t like who I see.
***
But hey… I’ve managed to brush my teeth, wash my face, and put on make up every morning for six days in a row now.
So I’ve got that going for me. Which is nice. And I’ve had a good weekend. I found myself a new psychologist here and things are starting to feel… better.
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{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
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January 6, 2014 at 2:07 pm -
Gorgeous, gorgeous Lori. I don’t like that you feel this way. Depression is soul destroying isn’t it? How do you get out of the funk? You’re doing well by getting up each day and looking after yourself. I hope you had a great Christmas and praying that this year will be a positive one for your health and mind. x
Bec @ The Plumbette recently posted…Driving Safely -
December 2, 2013 at 8:41 pm -
Thanks so much for the comments on this one everyone xx
Lori Dwyer recently posted…I Hate Grocery Shopping. -
November 29, 2013 at 12:17 pm -
I read a line on a blog recently that truly reflected what I feel at times – you don’t want to die, you just want to not be.
I get that. Depressions sucks – sucks you right down into a vortex of self-loathing and abusive thoughts.
I do hope the psych helps – best thing that ever happened to me was a guy who taught me some excellent techniques (and drugs – when the spiral has you in its grips, drugs do help to loosen the hold – there should be NO stigma to getting pharmaceutical assistance)
jeanie recently posted…Food Bleurghing -
November 27, 2013 at 4:26 am -
Oh my…. you have nailed the self-loathing brain perfectly. I finally got myself on meds. Doesn’t mean I don’t “self-loathe” it just means I don’t loathe my self-loathing self…
((((hugs)))) you are beautiful.
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November 26, 2013 at 4:27 pm -
Well I think you are wonderful – quirky , fun , daring and a wonderful loving Mum . That’s the Lori I saw on our trip to Borneo …and one day you will see this too ..Em x
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November 26, 2013 at 1:21 pm -
Sounds like you’ve been in my head. It’s so hard to stop once you start.
I hope the new psychologist is helpful. I’ve started seeing a new one a few weeks and so far he’s been really good. Also, a man, and I never see men. But so far, so good.
Good luck!
Dorothy recently posted…There is a change coming -
November 26, 2013 at 11:59 am -
Honestly Lori, I have those feelings too and I don’t suffer from depression. Maybe it’s just a human thing? Or a woman thing? I can understand that depression would make it harder to keep going. I find it hard sometimes too, but I try to find joy in the little things.
I hope you can start to feel better soon. XXXX -
November 25, 2013 at 10:25 pm -
I can relate, too. And what can make it harder is knowing that this internal dialogue isn’t really isn’t true – well, it wouldn’t be true if you / one was not making it true (i.e. for me, I know I can become boring, and someone to avoid if I focus too much on the fact that I am boring and someone to avoid – self fulfilling, which is somehow worse. No one to blame but myself). But the great thing is, as you have said, that this internal dialogue can change, with help, and with the same kindness to yourself that you bestow on others (as you do – your blog and the comments you receive show this, and hopefully are a great source of validation when you doubt yourself). Take care.
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November 25, 2013 at 11:43 am -
It’s a really hard road at times. I can relate to what you’ve shared here a lot myself. I hope that things do improve for you and there’s more joy and self acceptance down the track. I have written about my own struggles with self loathing, and some of things I find increase or decrease it. Perhaps something may be food for thought? http://skreece.wordpress.com/2012/05/02/i-hate-myself/
Sarah K Reece recently posted…Fear of the dark -
November 25, 2013 at 9:27 am -
Oh, Lori, I’m so sad you feel like this.
Being depressed is so fucking useless. I’ve been battling through it myself recently after my ‘big health thing’, but finally feel like I’m coming back up. I had to just wait it out, endure it for the duration. I knew that once my body healed and my hormones went back to normal, everything was going to be okay.
Fuck the whole self-hatred blergh. I get it too: the desire to punish myself for all the awful things I do and say and am. Marks to show myself that I know, see look, I’ve paid. Here’s a reminder so I’ll never forget how terrible I am. But that isn’t real, they are just momentary feelings and I know I wont feel like that forever.
I just know that things will get better for you soon. Just look at you, doing all the right stuff. Brushing teeth and hair and doing real clothes. Those are big steps! I hope things go well with the new Shrinky Shrink. In the meantime, treat yourself real nice. Treat yourself like you would treat someone else, someone you cared about, who was going through the same thing. You know you’d have all the compassion in the world for them. Have it for yourself too.
Whoa, Molly! recently posted…What’s the worst they can say? -
November 25, 2013 at 8:01 am -
Unfortunately I can relate to this a lot. It is incredibly hard to change the internal dialogue when you dont like what you see in the mirror.
Toni @ Finding Myself Young recently posted…Dealing with post natal depression-
November 25, 2013 at 10:47 pm -
Lori I am so so sorry you are feeling this way. You seem to be angry at yourself for being x y and z and despairing of these thoughts. But where is the evidence that you are those things? And what about the evidence that shows all the excellent things you are. Could you allow some doubt in to ventilate those accusatory and hateful thoughts. Maybe? Yes practising kindness on yourself is a wonderful thing but if that’s not possible right now could you just get the evidence down on paper and test it with a friend/loved one. I’m not talking positive thinking but a plain old question – in what way is statement x y or z true and in what way isn’t it true? Even just thinking about the ways in which you are not x y or z might interrupt the negative wiring, might slow the looping right down. If you can – but if you can’t that’s ok.
But you’re not doing anything wrong Lori even in feeling what ur feeling right now. I think each time you go thru this you learn something, something that will help for the next time.
Thinking of you
Pene
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Previous post: The Brickworks.
Next post: The Time You Have, in Jellybeans.
Fuck You Too. – RRSAHM
Fuck You Too.
Edit– And thanks to the fucking awesome commenter who left this one. Please, as I said, Fuck Off.
No, I haven’t wondered why suicide isn’t reported in the news. I know. I’ve studied siocial work, if any of you think you know me that well, you would know that.
Go, Google fucking LifeLine if you have a problem. Call them. This is my space, my life, my FUCKING REALITY. And it is fucking real. And I’m sorry- not, actually, but whatever- but anyone else’s mental health is not my fucking consideration at the moment.
After what I’ve been through, what I’ve seen, you expect me to be able to show in depth consideration on the sociological ramifications of talking about suicide?
Maybe that’s half the fucking problem. We don’t talk, not ever. This is too real, too fucking difficult.
Well, as I said- fuck you.
I have blogged, honestly, every day, for over a year a now. About everything.
You expect me to stop because a subject is taboo?
You really don’t know me at all.
Oh, and by the way, my shrink- the professional, the one who does know all the in’s and outs of this- assures me, in no uncertain therms, that this is morte likely to help people, than hurt them. That mentioning, or talking about suicide, doesn’t set it off, but instead releases the pressure.
And she says- fuck you, too.
My awesome mate Jodie blogged about me this morning. Thank you, Jodie. I love you.
This post is in response, partly, to the email Jodie received, which she has updated her post about.
I’m sure that emailer is not the only one who thinks that way.
Excuse me while I say, with all rationality and clarity, whether this person consider themselves an online ‘friend’ of mine or not- Fuck you.
You really think reading the ugliness of reality, of suicide is going to trigger someone? Thanks so much for putting that out there. Really. For a person with zero self esteem like I have, that fucking helps.
Is it better to speak, or not to speak? Is it better to be silent? Would you rather me pretend this didn’t happen? I take no responsibility for anyone’s else’s actions. No one is so powerful that a blog post can prompt someone to suicide if that weren’t already at that point.
Do you not fucking get that? Have you read fucking nothing I’ve written? Why should I be quiet? Why should I not blog this, the way I have with the rest of my life, over the last year? Do you expect me to keep it quiet?
This is my reality. This is my truth. I don’t give a flying fuck what you think, if it makes you uncomfortable, if you, from your righteous, all-knowing point of view feel the right to judge that.
Go where I’ve been. Walked where I’ve walked. Watch your husband fucking hang himself, and then you may judge me and what I write.
And as for anyone’s concerns over my children- a much bigger- FUCK YOU.
I am their mother. They are three and one year’s old.
Do you think, by the time their old enough to research this, that they won’t know the details of their father’s death? Do you think this will be kept a secret?
Do you think I won’t tell them the fucking truth?
What harm will it be, to know their mother was human? To know that their mother hurt, and pined, and this was an awful, awful thing?
Do you think they won’t know that already?
Once again, do not judge me. Any of you. Don’t you dare. Walk where I’ve walked, been where I’ve been, be who I am, and then you may judge me.
Until then, your concerns are pointless. Worth nothing. You know nothing of my life, but what I blog here.
I refuse to be held responsible for other people’s actions. (Fuck you).
My children are my children, and my fucking concern. I know I am the best possible mother they could have, to get them through this. Why is everyone always so fucking worried, about our children seeing what we write on our blogs? Aren’t they people, too? One day, they will be older, and have their own emotions, perspectives and ideals. And I don’t mind the thought of them knowing mine, years down the track, when their old enough.
Feeling the way I am is nothing to be ashamed of. The fucking reality of this is nothing to be ashamed of.
One day, my children will have their own truth. This will always be a part of it.
This is my fucking truth, and I refuse to hide from it.
Again, cordially, fuck you. Your concerns are worth nothing. You see what I show you, don’t patronise me by thinking you know better, here, in this situation, than I do.
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{ 176 comments… read them below or add one }
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May 24, 2013 at 4:15 pm -
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michael jackson This is it recently posted…michael jackson This is it - February 8, 2013 at 10:36 am
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Lori,
I’ve just found your blog, and I’d like to say one thing.
Thank you.
I have severe depression that is only helped by everything going completely to plan. For the last two weeks, my baby has been completely unmanagable, not sleeping and generally just driving me to the edge. Reading your posts have made me realise what I’d be doing to my husband, to my kids, if I did give in.
No one ever thinks of the ‘survivors’, but you have made me think of it.
The only way we’re going to beat this is by talking about it.
Thank you. From the bottom of my heart.
- February 8, 2013 at 4:18 pm
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Jade- thanks for your comment. Hang in there. Please. xxxxx
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- January 7, 2013 at 7:45 am
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Amen!
- October 29, 2012 at 10:31 pm
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This is a long time past when you wrote this blog, but it is still helping … I'm thinking of showing it to my husband, then HE might realise, how I feel… He's been having depression episodes for 3-4 years now,and although he's under the car of a good shrink, he keeps expecting the shrink to 'fix' him… He nee to do the work that is set for him, or he will never get better. I KNOW coz my own depression needs constant vigilance against triggers…
THANKYOU, THANK YOU THANK YOU, For not only blogging this but leaving it here, raw and REAL xoxo
- August 22, 2011 at 1:17 am
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A-fucking-men, Sister.
I am so tired of the idea that anyone's truth about anything should be hidden.
When I've been the closest to a suicide, I always want to hold up the aftermath to the world and say LOOK – THIS IS THE REALITY OF WHAT COMES AFTER.
If you are thinking about doing this… see what the people left behind go through. If you can't hang in for yourself… hang in for them *until* you can manage to hang in for yourself.You are awesome, Mama.
- April 15, 2011 at 5:50 pm
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I know that I'm late to the party, but you get to write whatever the fuck you want. Seriously. And you're right. No one gets to judge you for it. Even if they HAVE been through the same things. Their reality is still not yours. You do whatever it takes to make YOU okay.
- February 11, 2011 at 9:34 pm
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I wanted to reiterate what at least one other person has said. These posts have done the exact opposite for someone who at various times has been suicidal. You have shown me just how much mess is left to clean up afterwards. That no matter how easy it might sound, it is totally fucked. That no matter how much I think my husbad doesn't love me (despite KNOWING that he does) he would be devastated, torn apart and lost if I ever did such a stupid thing.
Thankyou for educating a depression sufferer who has on many occassion thught it would be a whole lot easier for everyone else if I just wan't in their life.
edaj from BB
- February 11, 2011 at 12:27 am
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Actually I can see you getting stronger with each post..you may not feel it (or maybe you do), so who would dare judge you for writing…Eff them indeed xox
- February 9, 2011 at 4:15 pm
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You know what I say? Fuck em. This is yours, To be honest I like your 'new' writing better than your old. Why? because it's real, honest, lucid.That's how life is. It's real. People wanna say your posts aren't for the faint of heart? Well, LIFE isn't for the faint of heart. I applaud you for not holding back, Through every detail, fuck word, and heartbreaking post, you have kept it real. You're situation is heartwrenching and terrible, but you keep writing exactly how it is. I wish you the best of luck and send my wishes. You know you'll be okay, so there is no reason for me to say it.
- February 7, 2011 at 8:51 pm
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Well said
- February 7, 2011 at 8:39 pm
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To whomever thinks that Lori blogging honestly, openly and rawly (if that's a word) about her husband's death and its aftermath is triggering or in anyway wrong I say fuck you too – I don't wish to take over someone elses blog or comment stream, but if it hadn't been for the graphic re-telling of exactly how her husband did what he did along with the reality of what has followed it may very well be my family trying to cut that rope right now, or worse still planning my funeral.
For as sorry that I am for the pain you are experiencing Lori, I am also greatful for it as it just may have saved me from doing something truly stupid and trying to end what will ultimately be a short term problem with a permanent, unchangeable solution. thank you - February 7, 2011 at 7:09 pm
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I feel incredibly privileged to be allowed such a raw, honest view into your life…thanks so much for your honesty and openness. Keep talking, we need to hear it!
- February 6, 2011 at 1:34 am
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Maybe if we all talked about it, people might start to realise that suicide is not something that just happens to other people. It took me ten years to write about my partner's suicide. Ten years of emotional stuntedness and stockpiled grief because it made other people uncomfortable to hear about him. Well I'm with you. Fuck them.
- February 5, 2011 at 9:39 am
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That's me in the background, cheering, clapping, wolfwhistling (although i can't whistle). I encore the standing ovation.
You say your self esteem is low right now, and I hope the positive energy of those that love you, and the blog world can help build you up and help you build yourself up, because from where I stand everything you write shows a very powerful woman in there.
The fact that you are able to articulate anything at this point is bewildering. I echo what so many others are saying, if the writing helps you process and articulate what you are feeling, if it helps you grieve, and if it helps you come out safe on the other end – then that is what you must do.
I have one thought for you though, I may be out of line – but if the negative comments are not helpful….is it worth finding someone to 'moderate' them for you so you don't have to deal with them. It is just an idea,hopefully there haven't been too many.
Take care, ..I was going to say stay strong, but actually, if you need to crumple, crumple. You have an inner strength…that will carry you through without the 'outer stregth'. Go to pieces 100 times a day if you have to, but have faith in yourself. You are a powerful woman, and you will i am sure endure~!
love from a new member of your blogosphere support crew. - February 5, 2011 at 3:22 am
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Talk about this, yell it from the roof tops, scream until everyone knows, if that is what is right for you and your family. You are amazing and strong and as sad and horrific as your story is–that you continue to move forward, into whatever your new reality will be, should be commended. Also, here in Ottawa, Canada, we are having a city-wide day (Feb 8) of talking about suicide. Of reaching out and sharing stories. Because that is what is most likely to help people. Remove the stigma, shame, and stereotypes and realize that suicide happens and our strategies are not working–it is time for something new! I think your talking about your husband and your reality is amazing and I believe you are helping others even if your only goal is to help yourself.
I hope you find some comfort. - February 4, 2011 at 9:37 pm
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I've been where you are (kind of. god, it felt like it.) and it's a dark, dark place. but no one knows what it's like until their significant other has committed suicide. "oh i had a friend-" yeah, no. they have no idea.
and you know what? i hope that someday my kids will be able to look at my personal blog and read every word of what i said when i was hurting and angry and happy and hateful. Because you know what? That's how I really felt, and who I really am. Anyone who disagrees can go fuck themselves.
I blog because if I didn't then I would keep silent, and my thoughts would drive me nuts. I'm not going to censor myself because something is touchy or kids might think I'm a bad mommy because I cried into my pillow over the loss of my dead soul mate.
- February 4, 2011 at 5:05 pm
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There is no right way/wrong way to grieve. It is what it is, uniquely our own for each of us.
Peace and comfort to you, dear Lori.
- February 4, 2011 at 4:25 pm
- February 4, 2011 at 9:58 am
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your space, your words, your life, your kids, your rules…take on board what helps and feeds you strength and throw away what doesn't help.
My Prayers
xxxxxxxxxx - February 4, 2011 at 8:43 am
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Hi Lori,
I am very sorry for your loss.
I applaud your courage and your openness.
Your post did trigger me…but it triggered me to get help, to admit that I need help. To acknowledge that it's ok to feel the way I feel but that people can help me through this irrationality, that what I am feeling is not real…and that the world is not such a terrible place.
Blessings and strength to you.
- February 4, 2011 at 6:14 am
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Delurking to applaud you. You are going through unimaginable things to the rest of us, yet are brave enough and smart enough to have an outlet for your feelings. No one has the right to judge that!
- February 4, 2011 at 5:08 am
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Woo Hoo! You are awesome!
- February 4, 2011 at 1:07 am
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i would argue that lori is doing the wrong thing by writing about it, i would very strongly argue that point.
my husband suffers from depression and after reading lori's blog i have realised for the first time how truly dangerous depression can be. i am never going to dismiss my husbands depression again and am going to do everything i can to support him. it gave me a big kick in the backside.
i also think that her children will appreciate this information when they are older. it will be sad and painful to read but it will help them put the puzzle together.
i wish you all the best lori.
keep doing what you need to do
xxxxxxx - February 3, 2011 at 11:40 pm
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it's a dedly fucking silence when no one speaks about suicide. You're an incredible woman. Know that we're all behind you; wherever you go and however you grieve.
insensitive comments have no place in this blog. it's an exercise in futility to try and ease the pain of your grief, but we're here for you none-the-less; come hell or high water.
- February 3, 2011 at 9:53 pm
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Christ all fucking Mighty – how the hell do I start a comment to someone who has been through what you have (that's me being honest) and that's the answer (with honesty).
When Tara posted a link to your story, I thought "do I want to see what's behind that link – do I?" The answer is Yes, because it's a huge part of me to 'listen' (but God can I talk).
And I did read and I did listen. I can't know your pain (no matter what mine has ever been). I 'can' respect you for your honesty and I can relate to needing to find strength – thank whoever (if there is a God) for the need to be strong for our children. But hell Lori, you need to take some time for 'you' sometime and I hope that when the time comes, you find the strength to do that.
Once upon a really shit time in my life (and prior to listening better to my own clients)my Dad once said "you can't save a man from drowning when you are drowning yourself" (crap choice of words for the moment – but that's what he said) and he meant that I had to look after ME, to be able to look after HER (my then 3 yr old).
You are amazing! You are honest! You are angry! You are absolutley right to tell it like it is! You have scared the shit aout of so many people – but that's not a bad thing. I imagine that every woman reading your blog will today and every other day hug their man and hold him for a little longer.
For reasons not the same but a loss witnessed over a long period of time – my heart goes out to you and my desire to want to take the pain away is immeasurable. Loss like this screws your brain and takes time to deal with and come through. You will – 'come through' and it sounds like you know that already. Forgive me for saying so, but a part of me wants to tell you that even now, after all of this, he is making you the person you need to be – he is and always will be your angel! - February 3, 2011 at 9:13 pm
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Fuck the lot of them!! You and your writing rocks!!
- February 4, 2011 at 8:04 am
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I saw Being Me's post and came over to see what you had said. I have walked in your shoes, Lori. My husband hanged himself 3 years, 4 months and 18 days ago. I have 2 children, they were 13 and 15 when their father died. I have not suffered from depression as such, but I have been depressed, if that makes sense. Time is, as they say, a great healer and my dark days are fewer and far between. Children are stronger and more resilient than many give them credit for, and my daughters are doing really well, the elder is at university now. I still cry but I do most of my crying in the car these days. I did today. I relied on being able to talk to close friends and family initially – and my daughters, I have always talked to them, not to dump on them, but to share thoughts and feelings. He is still very much part of our lives and always will be and we talk about him often.
I didn't start my blog until about a year after his death. The most personal post I wrote on suicide I have never posted. Writing it, rereading it, refining it. That was enough for me. Perhaps it was partly the distance from his death, perhaps I don't really want to share some of my darker thoughts. I don't know. I doubt if I will ever hit the publish button now, but I do still re-read it from time to time. I have moved away from writing about what happened and my feelings; in fact, I am currently wondering whether I want to carry on blogging at all, although there are plenty of blogs I would still want to read.
Anyway, what I am trying to say is that each of us has to deal with our grief and the aftermath of personal traumas in the way that suits us. We are all different and we all cope in different ways, and no one, no one, has any right to judge how we deal with our own personal grief. If writing about it is what you need to do then that is what you must do. A blog is a personal thing and it is entirely up to the owner of the blog what they publish. I self -censored, but that was my choice. I gather you have not, but that is your right. If others do not like it they do not have to read it, but they have no business writing cruel or unkind things as comments or to other bloggers. You are in a really hard place right now and it will take time to dig your way out. Don't let mean minded people get you down. Keep going for your own sake and for your children. There is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise you. I can see it now.
I have not gone back and read your early posts as I don't think I could right now. I am crying as I write this. But I will, another day. And in the meantime, I will be thinking of you. Stay strong, you are not alone.
If you want to reply – though please don't feel you have to – you can e-mail me: alienne@btinternet.com - February 4, 2011 at 6:42 am
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I don't know if you're able to read all the comments but I wanted to let you know that you aren't the only one who thinks this is a subject that needs to be brought out of the shadows. I'm in Ottawa and a former NHL hockey player (now assistant coach) recently lost his teenage daughter to suicide. He and his wife made the decision to make that information public and have launched a campaign (in her honour) to encourage parents to talk to their kids about mental health. Here's a link to more info: http://senators.nhl.com/club/news.htm?id=551450
You, too, are a role model for what you're doing and no one has the right to tell you otherwise.
- February 3, 2011 at 4:24 pm
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Lori, your blog has made me cry for you, and your honesty has shocked me, but it has shown me two things:
Firstly, you are a wonderful person, who is able to care for her kids and continue to love her husband despite the most horrible loss I can imagine. And secondly, I now understand the aftermath of suicide like I never really did before. And you know why that is so important? Because I suffer from depression (medicated now, thank god), and when it appears I start to get the idea that I am a horrible person and those who love me (including a blended family with 5 kids, and a husband whose been through depression himself and understands all too well) would be better off without me. Your blog really, truly scared and shocked me and I will NEVER be able to tell myself that again. So write what you need to, and know that you are not hurting anyone, but you might be saving a few people like me.
Thanks Lori. I think about you a lot, and hope the hurt gets better for you. - February 3, 2011 at 4:15 pm
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I think you are fantastic Lori.. Sure your post left me reeling with HOLY FUCK!! Of course it was shocking, but I think it is amazing that you speak your truth.. Suicide and the after math is nothing to be ashamed of, I think it's great that you can see reality as clearly as it is.. I don't know what else to say Lori.. You're amazing just doesn't cut it.. Many hugs to you and your kids xxx
- February 3, 2011 at 11:06 am
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Raw. Truth. What is needed. Seriously…what is needed! For me. For others. For those who struggle with suicidal ideation, thoughts, whatever it might be.
(((HUGS)))
- February 3, 2011 at 10:49 am
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It's disgusting how much of a politically correct world we live in. You're not supposed to say this, or use that word, or think this thought…it's like people think if they pretend like everything is perfect then magically things will be. But that's not how the world works, life happens regardless of what people try to censor. Instead of dealing with it and adapting, we're all so busy trying to cover it up that when life DOES happen to us, no one knows how to handle anything and people feel isolated.
I feel silly thanking you for your posts since this is your blog and you're writing to help yourself cope…but since there aren't really many other words, thank you for posting. Thank you for posting honestly.
- February 3, 2011 at 10:23 am
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Dear Lori
We don't know each other – I'm 'just' a blogger from the UK, but I just wanted to add my condolences to what is such a terribly sad situation for you and your family. I'm due to start working in a Mental Health unit on Monday (purely in an admin role) but I do hope that I get to learn a little more about mental illness while I'm there. Much love from this side of the Pond.
- February 3, 2011 at 10:11 am
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There are far worst things being blasted through society than truth like this.
- February 3, 2011 at 6:48 am
- February 2, 2011 at 10:08 pm
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Im just astounded that people even think for one second that they have the right to judge you and what you write.. now, while you are grieving or EVER. This is YOUR blog. YOUR space. YOUR life. People CHOOSE to read it… they are not forced.
Urrrghh. It makes me feel physically sick that you even have to deal with that sort of shit right now. As my Dad would say, Fuck 'em!
- February 2, 2011 at 9:49 pm
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Dear Lori,
Regrettably I only came to your blog After…regrettable because you are an amazing woman and I wish I had been able to share the good times with you as well as the hard ones. I write only to offer you support during this time, and to tell you that YOUR truth is the only truth. Whatever it takes to make it through this violent storm and come out at the other end is all that matters. Don't worry about the dickheads who judge…the only ones who matter are you and your children. To the people who question your children's response to your blog, all I can say is that from the blogs I have read since Tony's death, you have articulated a deep love for him. And while you are deeply angry with him and yourself, your love was truthful. Your children will recognise this.
The hurt will probably never go away, but the good memories will return in time. May the universe guide you and give you strength while you need it. My thoughts are with you every day. - February 2, 2011 at 9:40 pm
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Not worth it, Lori. x
- February 2, 2011 at 7:26 pm
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Lori – I didn't read your blogs before – didn't know much about you but what you let out on BB. But hearing what happened and that you were blogging, I decided to read – both some of the stuff before, and much of the after. I can't believe any one is judging what you're posting – this is your life – if they dont' want to read, they don't have to!
I lost my cousin about 10 days ago – I don't know what the lead up was like for those closest to him but reading your blog, I guess I'm seeing it differently to simply hearing that he took his own life. I know we're all hurting and angry at him, but your posts have made me TRY to understand from his perspective – I will admit, I am really struggling, but I'm trying.
Keep doing whatever works for YOU to help you now. No one else can (or should) tell you how to manage your own grief.
thinking of you
Lee (BG from BB) - February 2, 2011 at 7:12 pm
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Lori, mental illness is such a debilitating, relentless disease. It can bring the strongest of people crashing down, and forever affect those around them. I am so so so so sorry for your loss, and for all the heartache you have been facing the past 6 months. I was so moved by your post about Tony's suicide, and am now gobsmacked that those cowards who hide behind annonymous usernames are here trying to judge you for being open and honest. For talking about something that needs to be talked about, for trying to help others. We no longer live in the dark ages, mental illness should not be brushed under the carpet, nor locked behind closed doors like its something to be ashamed about. It will not go away if we ignore it, but if we bring it out and talk we may just save some lives. Thank you for being you Lori, and for sharing your tragic story. Try not to let the 1% bring you down xx
- February 2, 2011 at 5:24 pm
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So if we don't talk about suicide, does this make it go away???
I just can't understand the reasoning of some people.
Personally, I think the wake-up, slap in the face that is needed by potential suicides is having a look into the lives of the people left behind. The ones who have to keep living After.
So you keep doing what you are doing, beautiful Lori.
PS – can you imagine the number of dipshytes who send me info on road safety??? Not really sure what they are trying to say. The fact that Greg was killed through no fault of his own seems to have evaded them. Perhaps people think that car accidents can't happen to them because they 'never' speed, tailgate whatever….
Like I said – some people have no idea…. - February 2, 2011 at 3:40 pm
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So I just wanted to say that I have been so affected by your blogging about this. Most of the time, men do not think in terms of their own worth to our families…we think – well, _I_ think – in terms of whether or not I'm living up to being the man they deserve and need.
I've been through treatment for depression and manage it okay now…but there is something so powerful in your writing and sharing and speaking about this. I know that it is small and useless to say that you are helping me be a little better man…but you are…
So, thank you for writing so powerfully, brilliantly and fearlessly. I have come to grieve for the pain you and your family endure because you have chosen to share it and I just wish I could do something to provide you anything of comfort.
http://churchillsblackdog.blogspot.com/2011/01/other-people-are-better-writers.html
God bless.
- February 2, 2011 at 2:17 pm
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Hi Lori. Keep it up. As long as it helps – you and others – keep on doing it.
As for your kids, having such an honest mom can only help them – my mom was brutally honest with me and it saved my life. Even when the shit we were going through was way too hard to handle. to this day she is the only person (aside from my husband) who i can say ANYTHING to – and who truly understands me.
And as for the media, when I was about 6 I was at my grandparents' house and I saw kid on 60 Minutes talking about being abused by his father. And I ran into the kitchen crying. I remember it vididly. When my mom came in after me, and asked me what was wrong, I told her that until THAT moment I thought I was the only one. That little kid on 60 Minutes helped save me. And my mom did the rest.
Keep it up. Sending you LOVE.
- February 2, 2011 at 12:31 pm
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Hey, we all have a choice whether to stand witness to your grief, or not. Nobody is being forced to read this. Fuck 'em.
As for your kiddy-winks…well, my heart goes out to all three of you but, when they get to an age where they can look this up…good. They can see that there is another way (which, of course they will already know). But they will also see a spouse's and a family's perspective of the shear devastation that suicide can cause.
I've never been through it and can't imagine the pain that you are going through. Just know that a chick in Oklahoma is sending you all the strength and love and peace that she can.
Be good to yourself chick.
- February 2, 2011 at 12:22 pm
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Ignore what they say about your kids reading this. There is a delete button if later on you decide that would be best. In the meantime, you do whatever it is that helps you cope. The most important thing right now is that you deal with this and be their mum NOW. Worry about "later" later. Just get there first.
The best thing you can do for your children as a mother, is be the best mum you can be. If that means you need to vent here so that you can get a release & go back to them refreshed, then do it.
There will always be someone out there trying to tell you you're doing it wrong, no matter what you do. Listen to those who know you best, as you are not thinking clearly yourself atm. Only listen to the trolls if those close to you agree – otherwise….. Fuck 'Em
- February 2, 2011 at 11:57 am
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Dear Lori,
When I first read your blog about your husband's death, my first thought was that I wanted to share it with my loved ones and friends, and anyone who has ever thought of suicide. Let’s face it, we all know of someone who has contemplated suicide at some time in their life. Your blog shows the absolute truth of suicide. And rather than prompt someone to end their own life, as one very uneducated blogger has suggested, I believe its rawness and honesty could literally stop someone in their tracks. It shows the aftermath of what is left behind. The absolute devastation and finality.
It shows just how much someone is missed. Just how raw the devastation is that is left behind.
Your story literally took my breath away.
It’s so, so important that we talk about suicide, and I thank you for sharing your story. Equally, it’s so important for people to understand the pain and heartache of what is left behind. And to understand the absolute finality of actions.
The second thing I want to comment on is your post about that feeling deep inside that something is wrong with you. Ah yes, that terrible monster lurking within. It made me feel so, so sad that someone as beautiful and giving as you could feel like that on the inside. Please, please know that you are not alone. Also try to remember the Tony that loved you. Loved you so much that he created with you the gift of two beautiful children who love you so much.
You’re helping so many people through your blogging, and I hope in some little way, our posts are helping you too.
- February 2, 2011 at 11:55 am
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OMFG….and thats all I can say.
Might make people go ahead and commit the act ..WTF…you have probably just saved some lives.
So big and brave about their comments they couldnt even say who they were, FRAK you would be the nicest thing I would be able to say.And you know what Lori, thank you. For helping the ones that just need to read that people feel this way too. For sharing it with your children when they grow so if they ever feel this way they know they can talk, blog or sing and people will listen.
- February 2, 2011 at 11:47 am
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You are so brave and smart for talking about this and getting it off of your chest. I have such a hard time talking about anything but the fluff in my life on my blog and am so impressed by your honesty. Your kids are in good hands and screw anybody who thinks they know better than you.
- February 2, 2011 at 11:18 am
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To be honest, I have felt a bit uncomfortable with some of the language used but guess what? This didn't happen to me. It happened to you. And if this is the way you can best release those feelings of frustration and utter bewilderment, noone has the right to be telling you to write any other way. I think it's amazing that you are able to write anything at all because I'm pretty sure that I would be stunned into total muteness personally. It's simply not true that talking, or reporting, about suicides will trigger other suicides. As I saw with my friend, the suicide of her father and its effects on friends and family would strongly dissuade me from that path should my mind have considered it. However, not reporting it probably has more to do with considering the feelings of the families involved rather than preventing copycat actions. You are *not* a news outlet so you can write whatever you want.
- February 2, 2011 at 11:07 am
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Well said Lori. You should be able to write what you like & share your feelings.
If someone doesn't like what you are saying then they should bugger off & stop reading it.
Keep going & get them feelings out. - February 2, 2011 at 11:00 am
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You are right. Absolutely right. It is amazingly awful how people think it is ok to say things and judge people, especially when someone is dealing with very extraordinary circumstances. Last year, my best friend unexpectedly lost her husband. There were many who judged her reactions in the days following, and I would constantly say, "You are not in her shoes!" Do not judge, people, you are not in her shoes.
- February 2, 2011 at 10:56 am
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Hi Lori,
I'm an ABC journalist and presenter, and yes, there are strict guidelines on us reporting suicide.
However, 20 years of interviewing people with all sorts of experiences has given me this belief:
We all benefit from those people who are courageous enough to share with us their stories. Their TRUE stories. Of love, happiness and success, but particularly those of hurt, despair and trauma.
I have been reading your blog and I cannot begin to imagine what you've been through, and will continue to go through. But I have interviewed a beautiful woman who HAS walked in your shoes and will be on Australian Story next Monday night.
Please don't allow yourself to be silenced.
- February 2, 2011 at 10:39 am
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Fuck them indeed. My father committed suicide. I strongly believe if there hadn't been such a stigma around it, he may have felt more able to seek help. I work now with an organisation involved in suicide prevention and they certainly don't shy away from talking about the issue in the media. Neither did the last Australian of the Year, Patrick McGorry. There is nothing to be ashamed of here, sickness is sickness – mental or otherwise. So, yeah, fuck them good and proper. Good luck with healing Lori. You have a lot of people behind you.
- February 2, 2011 at 10:37 am
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I dunno L, it sounded like they were worried about you, not judging. Of course, I didn't read the email, so I can't say for sure.
I can't see how talking about suicide could ever be a bad thing. Bringing it out into the open isn't going to make someone do it, if anything, being able to hear the pain from the family afterwards would be a deterrant.
Love.
- February 2, 2011 at 10:31 am
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Good on you Lori! Fuck them. I agree with everything you have said in this post – amazing that you can write with such clarity and logic when dealing with such an illogical and tragic circumstance xx
- February 2, 2011 at 10:24 am
- February 2, 2011 at 10:02 am
- February 2, 2011 at 9:43 am
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This is your blog. Your journal. Your diary. Yes, anyone can access it. Anyone can leave and not read it too. As for your kids and anyone else being harmed by it? Bull shit. This needs to be know. The aftermath needs to be documented and available for all. The rawer the better. Why document such pain? Why is it important? Because people who contemplate suicide need to know. They… no, WE need to know. We need to understand what that "quick fix" IS quick, but far from a fix. It just makes things a hell of a lot worse. I PERSONALLY need to read this and keep it in mind when shit gets bad and I feel like I have no other option. Like Jenny the Bloggess has said (not verbatim, but more or less) our kids need us, broken or not. The documentation of your personal hell won't possibly save lives… it has. YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT! I know you post your pain, as a way to cope and any benefits to others are a bonus, as it should be. Life may never be as it was, but you will redefine normal for yourself and eventually, you will find your new self and with it, a new shade of purple you will love. Keep strong mama! You will make it through! :0)
Oh, and…. fuck you to all those who posted something negative! You have no clue.
- February 2, 2011 at 9:34 am
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I second all that! If you don't like it, don't read it. And further, if I read about theft, I don't steal, if I read about rape, I don't assault, etc. All that shit has to be IN a person to do it. Keep on. Get it out, let it flow. And at worst, if your children read this, they'll know in a concrete way how much suicide hurts loved ones, and they will know how much their mum loved their dad. I do. Thank you for letting us all bear witness to the unspeakable pain. This is important to all of us. Love to you and yours.
- February 2, 2011 at 9:29 am
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I used to be a child & family therapist in another life and I can tell you that what you are doing here with your blog is for you, of course. But it is also for your children. So that if they do read it someday they will know that it's ok to be mad at him and it doesn't mean betrayal. So that they will know that it's ok to speak their mind and say what they feel and not keep it all bottled inside.
You are an AWESOME mom and you're making decisions for the future well being of your family. Don't let the hatred get you down. There are many more people out here to build you up. - February 2, 2011 at 9:13 am
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Rock on Ms Lori and move on to our Fuck You commentator! Write your way though this girl and thanks to the asshole who helped you and a whole lot of us let of some steam! Keep writing, its your journey, something that you can look back on one day with amazement and pride. Luv ya from out here in Sunny CA.
Anonymous Me - February 2, 2011 at 8:47 am
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Hear hear! I commend you for every single word you post. Anyone who says differently is an ignorant asshole. Big virtual hug!
- February 2, 2011 at 8:38 am
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YOU. ARE. AMAZING.
I don't know you IRL. But through your writing, I feel like I do. You are never going to please everyone no matter what you do in life, no matter how small and insignificant it might be. And what you're doing, it isn't insignificant- you are telling your truth and coping with a terrible and horrible situation that no one deserves. You are also talking about something that not enough people are brave enough to talk about openly and honestly, and that scares people.
Focus on the love. Focus on how much you are inspiring people (I am one). I am only 21 years old and have lost three people close to me to suicide, and found one of them. I honestly wish I had the strength to write openly and publicly about this when it was still so raw. That is what gets to people and can hopefully incite some change.
And from a kid who lost her Mom to suicide- if or when your kids ever find your blog and read this, they will be sad and it will be hard but it will also be something that is invaluable for their healing process as well as yours. They will treasure this and be proud of their mom.Sending you lots of love, Lori. Please remember that there are people who believe that you are sensational. x
– Elise
- February 2, 2011 at 6:09 am
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I had stopped commenting, only because I was fairly sure that "I'm so sorry", which is the only thing I can think to say, would be getting kind of tired by now.
But, I am still reading and thinking of you. I really think, no, I know, that what you are writing is helping other people as well and if it helps you, then just keep bloody writing.
I think you are amazing and (sorry, but here it comes) I'm so sorry for what you're having to go through. (((Hugs)))
- February 2, 2011 at 4:38 am
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Where else on earth could you get this many people supporting you 24/7? Never ever let anyone tell you that your coping method is wrong. I am astonished at the nerve of some people. I think you are being about as brave as any human can.
- February 2, 2011 at 4:05 am
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I found you through the Bloggess. I just want to say that I am proud of you, and in awe of you, and I know that you are doing what is right. Jsut keep on keepin' on, honey, and you do whatever it is you need to do to get through this. And all these others… who feel the need to CRITICIZE you at this time… Fuck You isn't even strong enough. Can you concentrate a FUCK YOU a million times and then pour it over their heads? Because that is what they deserve. We all have our trials, and some of us have more to dael with than others. Sadly, your cross is heavy, heavy. But over, under, around and through you will go, you are going, you will pass through. I don't even know you but I love you. Take care of yourself. I will pray for you (dunno if you believe in that or not, but putting good vibes in the universe for you.) You will be in my thoughts. Much love.
- February 2, 2011 at 3:49 am
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To all those people out there following Lori's blog and reading of the awful events that have happened in the last few weeks, I say this:
Please, if you are moved to send her love, kindness and support PLEASE do so.
If you cannot cope with what you are reading. If it upsets you and you don't agree with Lori. PLEASE keep your thoughts to yourself and don't make things any harder for Lori by giving out to her in such an unkind way.
PLEASE find other blogs to visit that are more to your taste.
- February 2, 2011 at 3:41 am
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Lori,
I have been following your struggle since Jenny at Bloggess mentioned you, and I would like to chime in, if I may. First off, a caveat; I am not in any way a professional (well, maybe a professional asshole if you check with the wife), but not a counselor of any stripe. Just someone who is captivated by your choice to bare your very soul to the world at this incomprehensibly difficult time.Kudos to you. Personally, I think that your writing is helping a lot of people out here; but even if it were not, I believe that it is helping you; and right now that is good and right and absolutely defensible. Fuck ‘em all if they can’t see it.
I would like to provide some thoughts concerning your post from yesterday; I was going to add a bit of something about today, but I think you have it covered well!
I read this yesterday, and it tore at my soul:“Because, I think, I'm sure- there was something ugly about me, something fundamentally ugly and wrong and distasteful about me, that makes people turn away.
I thought that, for years. From the ages of about fifteen to twenty four, I had that feeling. That no matter how perfect I was. there was something Wrong with me. Not something anyone could see as such, or articulate. But it was There, and it made people turn away. Made people not love me, not want to be near me. Made be chronically, compulsively Unlovable.”
There is no doubt in my mind that you believed this to be true. I get the idea that suddenly you are wrestling with it again. Lori, no matter how deeply you believed it then, and no matter how strong the urge to return to that mindset now, please believe me when I say that it is a lie. If you do not believe me, listen to the echo of hundreds of supporters who are posting here and standing behind you. You, dear heart, are chronically, compulsively Loveable, and that is the end of the argument. There is something intrinsically beautiful about you, your heart, your soul, your courage to face all of this and to Stand and Fight rather than to cower and whimper. I see it. It is there. And, though I did not know you Before, I know that it has always been there.
I know it will take time for you to work through all of this; I am damned impressed at the fact that you can actually be coherent right now; I have little doubt that I would still be at the gibbering stage. I am glad that you have a group of people close to you right now. I am very, very glad that you have chosen to be stronger than your Tony could be, and that you are asking people to help you. Your example is an inspiration to others.
Be strong, Lori, and know that you have hundreds, maybe thousands of people who are behind you, amazed daily at your strength and tenacity, and ready to hold you up when that strength fails.Booker
- February 2, 2011 at 3:34 am
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Came here from Bloodsigns… you do right in writing about all of this. Silence about suicide and the stigma around it cause so much harm. My cousin committed suicide some 15 years ago, the same years my mom made an attempt on her own life as well. Afterwards I volunteered at a suicide prevention hotline as part of my own healing and I learned SO MUCH through that – about the pain that people live with daily, especially those battling depression, and about the importance of TALKING about suicide. It is such a lie that talking about suicide plants the idea in people's minds or in any way prompts people to attempt suicide. WE ARE ALREADY THINKING ABOUT IT and talking about it, as other commenters have pointed out, provides a relief and release – makes it ok to talk about those feelings, and to find the support we need. I say we because I've had suicidal feelings too. I think the majority of people have at one time or another.
I'm so very very sorry for your loss and the incredibly traumatic way it all happened. Please let us be there for you even though opening yourself up to support through the bloggy world can make you vulnerable to comments from idiots as well. I think the support will outweigh the idiots, at least I hope so. Big hugs from across the oceans.
- February 2, 2011 at 3:07 am
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xoxoxo
- February 2, 2011 at 3:00 am
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It is so easy for people to talk about things they don't know anything about. What you're writing, and saying will help so many people. And more importantly, it's what you need. I hate how so many people think it's not okay to talk about suicide and addiction, and whatever else they think is inappropriate; hiding things behind the idea that they're shameful doesn't help anything. I really think you have to name the dragon before you can slay it, and what you are doing is brave and true, and I say "fuck you" to anyone who says different.
Trudy xo - February 2, 2011 at 2:32 am
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Hi Lori,
Let me assure you, had my mother had a diary that she'd written in after my father's murder — and had she shared that with me when I asked –rather than telling me to keep it a secret "that people just wouldn't understand" I would have been given a gift rather than the burden of silence– that silence, that shame — was more devastating than any truth.
The truth always brings the light.
Love to you,
Pam
- February 2, 2011 at 2:10 am
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I think it is good to talk about it openly. My grandfather committed suicide when my mom was 7. She would never talk about it. It's a taboo subject even today. It has affected her life. I wish she would be open about it like you are. Thanks again, and my thoughts are with you.
- February 2, 2011 at 1:41 am
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Lori,
That's right, fuck them. There isn't a damn thing wrong with what you are doing, not that you need my validation or anyone else's to talk about this or anything else. Good for you, Lori.
- February 2, 2011 at 1:32 am
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I have read enough testimonies here from people in a similar precarious mental state THANKING you, to believe that you are doing amazing benefits in the blogosphere. They are the voices you should listen to.
I have yet to read a single comment stating that your raw posts have encouraged anyone.
BUT, that is not what your blog is about. Your blog has always been your reality, so you keep it that way.
SPEAK!
KT - February 2, 2011 at 1:30 am
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Amen! Found your blog…heck have no idea how, but I'm so glad I did. Hang in there and know that a lot of us reading are behind you completely. Some folks just need to deal with their own shit instead of harping on others.
So many problems would be solved if folks would just speak. Not hide it behind the whole "I don't want to offend someone" I'm glad you're putting this out there. Maybe it'll give others the courage to speak.
- February 2, 2011 at 1:20 am
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You go girl!
- February 2, 2011 at 1:00 am
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like i said, i came late to the story.
i do sort of feel i know you because you write your story well, but also because, well, just because.
there's too much stigma on mental illness, too much on suicides and the survivors, and too much pain in your heart.
i don't have to know you to know about it, unfortunately.
people who don't like how you write about YOUR life can just stop reading.
maybe it's no consolation, but there's someone alive today because they read what you had to say about it.
too late for you, too late for your family, but soon enough, maybe, for someone else's family.
and i'm still really sorry. and i'm sorry that there are people who think it's ok to invade your grief to tell you how to do things better.
sometimes people are asses.
i'm sorry.
- February 2, 2011 at 12:31 am
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In the words of a very wise woman who I have no doubt is saving lives…
You speak.
Miss Lori
You speak.
Here's to stopping the deadly silence
- February 2, 2011 at 12:18 am
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So Many, SO MANY! PEOPLE ARE BEHIND YOU LORI! we support you However you choose to deal with this reality thats been thrust upon you. Your Honesty is rare in this world where people live behind such ridiculous facades.
NEVER let a dickhead or two get to you. NEVER. have them walk a mile in your shoes. fuck watch them break, and crumble.
Asshole, whoever chose to judge you.
You are HELPING so many people. Because this is lifes Dirty Little Secret. If there was more media coverage of this topic it would open up the conversations and help so many people.
Love You Lori x o x o - February 2, 2011 at 12:00 am
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Lori, I found your blog through the Bloggess and I want to commend you on blogging through the heartache and loss. I don't agree with the comments from others suggesting you hide your emotions, or not blog for the sake of your children when they are older.
As a child, my mother's boyfriend died. As an adult, I wish I could have seen my mother's heartache, if only to know that my siblings and I weren't the only ones that felt loss. Now that I am grown, my mother doesn't talk about it.
Thank you for your honesty.
- February 1, 2011 at 11:32 pm
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My grandfather committed suicide before I was born. In the early 70s, a devout, Irish Catholic man and the stigma surrounding it was so strong that the only people in the family who ever knew it was suicide were my father and grandmother. The coroner knew, obviously, and maybe the priest, but they lied about it so he could be buried in the Catholic cemetery. There is nothing that can trigger suicide or even stop it if a person is intent on doing it. And anyone who thinks keeping it silent is a GOOD thing is completely batty. You are helping so many people by sharing your story. People need to see the aftermath. The destruction left behind. You are so honest and brave. Anyone who doesn't see that should just keep their ignorant comments to themselves.
- February 1, 2011 at 11:20 pm
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Until someone has walked in your shoes they have no right to judge how you live your truth, for you and your children.
Although there may be many with similar experiences, no-one can ever have walked in your shoes, because they are not you!
So no-one has any right to judge how you live this journey. Those that judge speak from ignorance not truth – truth is what you have in abundance. Be proud.
- February 1, 2011 at 11:06 pm
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Umm….then why the hell are they reading your blog if they find it triggery or offensive or what-ever-the-word-of-the-day-is.
People are stupid. Please don't let that asshole get to you. God knows you are going through enough, too much for anyone to have to ever ever ever deal with.
And whoever is worried about your post "triggering" other suicides, well they obviously aren't concerned about your mental health are they? Writing about this is helping you in more ways than you will ever know. The brain and the heart NEED to express these things or you will never begin healing.
So from me to your fellow worthless anon tips who-don't-know-a-fucking-thing….fuck you too!!
- February 1, 2011 at 11:02 pm
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I think that it's great that you can get all your words out, and I think your children will be glad for it later on.
- February 1, 2011 at 10:46 pm
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Here Here Lori. People should know how you feel. Why should people hide their emotions? Suicide is a taboo and bloody hell it needs to be talked about so people know and I believe you can save a life by writting this.
As for your children you are their mother. I dont know how people think you can hide this from them. That is a ridiculous thought. The best person to help them through this is YOU. Your a wonderful mum and doing the best you can with what you have right now.
LETS TALK ABOUT SUICIDE AND YOU NEVER KNOW HOW MANY LIVES CAN BE SAVED AS THESE PEOPLE WILL FINALLY KNOW IT IS OK TO TALK ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS AND KNOW PEOPLE WILL FINALLY LISTEN.
Lori I am so damn sorry but keep talking and writting.
- February 1, 2011 at 10:31 pm
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You're a champion Lori.
- February 1, 2011 at 10:17 pm
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I join you in a big fuck off to those that think they know your situation better than you. You are right about the importance of truth. Secrets hurt … especially those surrounding suicide. There are also so many misconceptions out there about suicide and mental illness. Your truth is helping to shatter these misconceptions. I don't always have the right words to leave a comment, but I'm always reading and sending you love x
- February 1, 2011 at 10:17 pm
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Dear Lori,
I agree with other commenters that it will be wonderful for both you and your children to have this record in years to come so don't be silent – your words need to be heard by everyone and don't let anyone tell you different.
Hugs to you and yours. - February 1, 2011 at 10:07 pm
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Lori, I too think your blog is the bravest stuff I have ever read. Big FUCK YOU to anyone who can read this heart-wrenching blog where Lori rips open her chest & lets us see her heart struggling to beat and can then sit back 'tsk, tsk-ing' about what she writes. Are you serious?? Keep writing Lori. This is YOUR space. Love Jen xox
- February 1, 2011 at 10:00 pm
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It's funny isn't it? If what you're writing is so distasteful, why are the trolls still fucking reading it? Really??
We all have different comfort levels, we all have different ways of dealing with things, and we all have different approaches with our children.
You've warned us all every single time if something is triggering. What more can you do but be silenced to please others?
It's your grief, keep doing whatever it is you need to do. And just know that, we're all concerned about all three of you; you and your 2 beautiful children. Not because of your writing, but because of the trauma and grief you are all being put through. Most of us are just concerned because we love you and care what happens.
I trust your instincts as a parent, and sorry to the haters, but when you're a mum, it's mum's way or the highway, like it or lump it.
- February 1, 2011 at 9:57 pm
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Lori,
Well said.
Sx - February 1, 2011 at 9:44 pm
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Dear Lori, keep writing if it gives you a sense of release and peace. Try to be kind and gentle to yourself. Love Georgia
- February 1, 2011 at 9:42 pm
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Well said Lori. Speaking out is much better than silence.
- February 1, 2011 at 9:38 pm
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Please don't let the small-mindedness of some people upset you Lori.
And to the anonymous twat who commented on this post; really? Fuck off back to trolling forums.
The Mindframe guidelines are designed to temper the insensitivity of large-scale media outlets looking for an angle that will sell, not to censor a woman who's just watched her life crumble around her.
How dare you question Lori's right to a voice.
- February 1, 2011 at 9:38 pm
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thankyou. thankyou for writing everything you do – its releasing reading what you write, exactly as your professional person said, takes the pressure off, helps anyone suffering depression or whatever that someone else, that alot of people suffer the same thing. and yes sometimes i read and i will bawl for you and with you and for myself and my depression, regardless of where I am.. but it helps, and we need people to speak honestly about their journies, and their lives and their realities.
so im sending love, and thanking you for being you and writing, and refusing to let the fuckturds get to you with their hateful and spiteful and anonymous words and emails.
- February 1, 2011 at 9:28 pm
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People love to judge others – particularly when they feel like they're not being heard themselves. There seem to be lots of people who are so terrified of their own truths that they can't deal with the truths of others. There's a saying: "You're as sick as your secrets". You're doing what you need to do – it's raw and honest and sometimes difficult to read. But it's what you need to do – for you and your kids.
I write a blog about my son's autism. Some people disagree with the level of honesty I write with but it's not their blog – it's mine and they can blog right off as far as I'm concerned. None of their business to tell me their opinions.
You keep doing exactly what you need to, Lori – people are always going to have opinions – sod them! Please don't worry about what anyone else thinks. Be true to yourself. Keep writing. And a thousand curses to the arseholes who think that their negative comments are in any way appropriate here on your blog.
Lots of love to you, Lori xx
- February 1, 2011 at 9:24 pm
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Reading your thoughts has helped me more than I could ever thank you for. You have a story to tell , dont be silent.
- February 1, 2011 at 9:23 pm
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Lori, until I started reading your blog a few days ago, I had never felt my heart break for someone I had never met. Like you said this, this is your truth and your life; this is your space. Anyone who doesn't feel comfortable with what you're writing should fuck off and let you get on with doing the best you can. Much love to you xo
- February 1, 2011 at 9:11 pm
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It is better to speak – you speak! i for one am in no position to say what you should or should not be doing – even if it differs from what i think I would do.
keep going - February 1, 2011 at 9:07 pm
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Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em sideways, upways, downways & every-which-ways. There's always some judgemental arsehole out there who thinks they know better. You know why, Lori? Because they're miserable. Arseholes.
I'm in awe of what you're writing here, I think it's the bravest thing I've ever seen. People need to know what happens after suicide. And I'm in awe of the amazing, overwhelming positive response it's getting. The power of your writing & the Internet is uniting hundreds of strangers behind you & no one in their right mind could ever, ever think that was a bad thing.
Love, as always. Sophie xxx
- February 1, 2011 at 9:03 pm
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Again lori i take my hat off to you!! im only a fairly new follower to your blog but i admire your honesty and your strength. But honestly if you cannot vent on your own personal blog that you have created then where is it appropriate to do so ??
For someone to doubt the welfare of your children is sickening, you have just lost your husband, im sure you will deal with things as best you can just like any mother would do under these cirumstances <3 If people do not like what you write they have the option to not read it, for those of us who admire your posts, we know where your at..you do not need to justify ANYTHING
i wouldnt expect anything less from your blogs, so many bloggers have advised me to keep a blog honest..well lori your teaching me that, life can be shit its not all peachy!! thankyou for sharing your story with us (me) - February 1, 2011 at 9:03 pm
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I wish my Dad had written as you have, all those years ago, so I would know why my Mum did what she did. There is NOTHING to be gained by keeping silent about suicide – no matter how graphic or traumatic the story. It has to be told for the sake of those left behind.
- February 1, 2011 at 9:01 pm
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Well said. If people don't like what others write they don't have to read it. I started following your blog only a few months ago and I don't feel like I know you, but your raw honesty has touched me very deeply and I commend you for having the guts to talk about this. Suicide needs to be talked about – not by the media but by those who are left behind to pick up the pieces, and who can tell the real story. Keep writing Lori.
- February 1, 2011 at 8:59 pm
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Lori thank you for writing so openly & honestly. My sister-in-law is going through a terrible time with depression & anxiety & I know she gets by, by being able to talk about it. Even though I've never met you, I think about you & your family often. Keep writing & most importantly keep being you.
- February 1, 2011 at 8:56 pm
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Ditto what Donna said. This is your space. Use this space. Talk it out. And if someone doesn't like it, click on the X and fuck off!
- February 1, 2011 at 8:46 pm
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To Anonymous who asked if we've ever wondered why they don't report suicides on the news:
Because they don't want to glorify it, make the deceased famous. If the useless media actually reported the truth rather than a catchy headline followed by a bit of sensationalist crap, if they reported the carnage that is left behind like Lori has been, if they told the WHOLE story, they probably would report it.
But the truth is too hard, too unsanitary for general consumption, too complex and frightening and confronting.
So keep writing, Lori. People need to know the truth.
- February 1, 2011 at 8:46 pm
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Fuck you thrice.
WE ARE all entitled to our own opinions, we ARE allowed to have them, but if you have a smidgen of sensitivity you might like to keep some of them in your own head. Has this person never heard the words "unhelpful"?
For the record i think both these points are utter shit, and very condescending to you Lori, who i think has shown yourself to be unbelievably wise and strong throughout this whole tragedy.M2Mx
- February 1, 2011 at 8:45 pm
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Lori, I've thought about you since being sent here via Jenny and reading about you, your pain…the family. Your Tony.
It scared me. Alot.
I met my Tony under very unusual circumstances (transatlantic Twitter romance) and we've been on the same continent, as a couple…since May. We've battled through alot. Alot of depression. Alot of dark times/days. They are still here. And there. They come and go.
I've had those dark moments. I know he has.When I read your posts…I immediately sent him a message. I told him how much I appreciated him. How much I loved him. How proud I was of him.
Because even though we had fought bitterly…again…that morning, I could picture myself losing him as you lost your love….and it scared me.
I watched my father die in front of me.
I will be vigilant…I will be aware. And I'll think about you every day for the rest of my life.
Nothing you do or will do is wrong. Whatever it takes….it's right. Do what you need to and fuck the rest of the world.
At the end of the day, you are the one who has to live through it.
XOXOX
Holly - February 1, 2011 at 8:43 pm
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This is your space, you have every right to do and say as you please and anyone who doesnt like it shouldnt bother clicking on it. As you say, unless we have lived your nightmare, none of us should dare judge you – whatever it takes to help you heal, you do.
You are saving lives – the ignorant fuckers out there that dont get it arent worth worrying about
- February 1, 2011 at 8:35 pm
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Honestly, Fuck them. You write Lori. This is your bloody space and you have every right for Pete's sake to tell the truth, to write whatever you wish to write. What you are going through at this minute, no one can describe and if by writing the truth, you are handling it, you go girl. You do it. Seriously.
When someone is brave enough to write about something in its most raw and true form, it gives strength to others to unveil the truth in their own lives. We are not living in a land of sugar candies and unicorns to hide the truth under the flowing chocolate river. The truth will be the truth, today and twenty years later. So, hang it there and write. We will read you.
- February 1, 2011 at 8:30 pm
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Lori
your posts are helping me right now babe:-) xxx
I have had depression for 18 mths or so keep going love ya lots ((( HUGS))) and to that person yer fuck off! :-))) - February 1, 2011 at 8:28 pm
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I'm with Diminishing Lucy. If people don't like it they should "unfollow". I for one continue to follow. Writing is great therapy (well, for me anyway). Keep doing what you need to do, and those of us who support you will continue to follow …
PS Since all this happened, many people have started writing about depression on their blogs. I think that is a great thing. I too have actually confessed to not being perfect …. to my little demon that drags me down …
So for that I say thank you. - February 1, 2011 at 8:18 pm
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Lori,
I also suffer depression, and am trying to write about it in my blog. I know that it is hard, painful and soul wrenching to do. I applaud you for your strength and heart, to survive this time and care for your kids.
You may be in the darkest time in your life, but you are an inspiration to many.
My thoughts and prayers go to your family at this time
xxxx - February 1, 2011 at 8:08 pm
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Some people are just clueless. Not to mention incredibly small minded. The rest of us think you're amazing!
- February 1, 2011 at 8:06 pm
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How can we fear the truth????? When we speak of the unspeakable we begin to deprive "it" of the power it holds. If anything your voice will make one in that dark place question the consequences of their actions.
Fallback of course is "You can't put brains in statues"
- February 2, 2011 at 6:55 am
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It is always so awful, the way one moron can come in and totally ruin a hundred supportive comments. Too bad there's not a Moron Filter available for e-mail and comments, so that all that support doesn't get undermined by one or two people who think they know better. Because there always seems to be SOMEONE. No one knows better than you do what you and your children need. When I blogged I got some comments that made my hair curl and the one thing I learned was that keeping them made me keep thinking about them and going back to them. I finally started to delete the fucktards and let the ones who loved me hold me up. You are the owner and sole arbiter of your blog. You have the power to use however you see fit. I always loved that the delete of a comment was a trash can. So very fitting.
- February 1, 2011 at 7:40 pm
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Much much love to you.
I have to agree 100%, i just came here after reading Jodie's post (having not read your's first) and i said the same exact thing, that you would WANT your children to know the truth. And i LOVE that about you, after all eventually they're going to find out, why spend years lying to "protect" them, when they will just be mad you lied to them?
Keep writing hunny. As Jodie said you are helping MANY, and it's ok for people to not understand why you're blogging, that's cool, but to then start judging you and calling you names and talking about if you're a suitable parent? FUCK YOU. Definately, perfect words to give them.
Right now no one else matters but you and those precious kids, and you need to heal and look after YOU to be able to look after them <3 - February 1, 2011 at 7:40 pm
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Well said, Lori.
If someone is so depressed that they will actually go through with it, it will be for their own reasoning, not because they read something that "triggered them off".
This person who emailed your friend must live in Fantasy Land where it's all sunshine, lollipops and unicorns shitting sparkles, and people only talk about nice things.
What I say to that person is, get a grip on reality mate.
- February 1, 2011 at 7:20 pm
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Lori, I haven't read you before this week – followed a link from The Bloggess. I have nothing useful to say, but thought I'd say it anyway – I am so very, very sorry for your loss. xo
- February 1, 2011 at 7:20 pm
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Did any of you ever wonder why suicides are NEVER reported in the news?
- February 1, 2011 at 7:11 pm
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Oh Lori, not this too? Ugh. How utterly boring of them.
Walk where I've walked, been where I've been, be who I am, and then you may judge me.
Sum total of what's true, right there. There are so many conceited do-gooders out there who know waaaaaaay more about you and your situation than you yourself. Thoroughly astounding. It never ceases to amaze me.
- February 1, 2011 at 7:11 pm
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For someone that sees more dark days than light and has considered the easy way out,I'd just like to say that reading your blog has given me a reason to push on through the bad times.When it is yourself in the bad place you can't stretch your mind to think of how it would effect the ones you love.But it those people that give me a reason to get up and function each day and reading about your experience HAS given me a reason to push on Lori.Don't let anybody silence you.People like me that are clinically depressed need to see this.The ugly aftermath…As for your kids, well what better way for them to get a true account of the actual events and not be left wondering if all the stories they willl hear over the years are chinese whispers.You have my total admiration Lori
- February 1, 2011 at 7:09 pm
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Dear Lori, I am stunned anyone would have the gall to judge you in this circumstance….as you say, how fucking dare they. Self appointed experts and moralisers with no fucking idea. The thing is Lori, the 99% wonderful majority who are here in your blogging world are utterly focused on supporting you wherever your grief journey takes you. Without judgement, with grace and acceptance and most importantly, with love and respect. And I say to anyone who is not able to do that, Fuck Off, and let the rest of us get on with what we are here to do. None of us and most especially Lori need to be expending precious energy on these kind of arguments. Love, love, love to you Lori and respect, so much respect xxxxxxx
- February 1, 2011 at 6:55 pm
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Brava to you Lori – way to tell them!
As far as i'm concerned, if they feel that what you are writing is inappropriate well…. THEY CAN JUST STOP READING. Simple.
Also, the whole " reading about suicide will trigger suicide " thing? What a load of bullocks. From the ages of 16-20 there was hardly a week go by where i didnt think about killing myself, and what did i do my HSC Social studies thesis on? Youth suicide. And i'm still alive, even after all that study.
Blows that stupid theory out of the water, doesnt it? - February 1, 2011 at 6:55 pm
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How bloody dare they! It is your blog and therefore you are entitled to say what the hell you want. This has happened to *you*, this is your life & your reality. You write what the hell you want. Personally I think it's a good thing. If it can highlight to one person the aftermath of suicide & therefore prevent it, surely that's a good thing. Feck em!
- February 1, 2011 at 6:54 pm
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Get fucked self-appointed experts. Unless you have lived with suicidal depression, like I have, you have no fucking idea what you are talking about. If anything reading Lori's posts would have stopped me from taking my life.
Her writing is honest and real. If you don't like it try the Home Shopping Network. - February 1, 2011 at 6:25 pm
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I have only recently started reading your blog but feel I have to comment today. I cannot even begin to imagine how you must be feeling. The way in which you write is very confronting…even for me after having some awful experiences but I admire what you are doing and how you are telling your story because it's yours to tell. You are not asking people to read what you write and so to those who find it offensive I say don't read it. If a movie or book isn't to your taste then you stop, don't you? Keep doing whatever it is that may help you move forward and hopefully develop some kind of understanding or acceptance. Sending you best wishes x
- February 1, 2011 at 5:51 pm
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I totally agree, if anything reading the devastation you are living with should put anyone who is thinking about suicide off, knowing how much it would hurt their family. As for your kids, I think if they ever did read this as adults, they would be filled with love to know that their mother walked through this dark valley and did her best to protect them from it.
- February 1, 2011 at 5:46 pm
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Lori you are an amazing woman AND mother! You have every right to be here, blogging, venting, expressing and sharing of your life. Feel no resentment towads such half wits as they are worthless people with little better to do with their time!!! Know that I and many others support your decision and hold you up through the blogosphere as you manage this horrific time in your life. We have your back girl!
- February 1, 2011 at 5:45 pm
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Fuck Yeah!
I actually thought almost the complete opposite about your kids. I thought how great it is that there is something there that (one day, when they are much, much, much older) they can read if they are so inclined and you wish to share it with them.
As we get older we want to know more about our parents, more about their experiences and how they coped. I wish my parents had kept a diary of the trauma they experienced, so that now as an adult, I could understand them better.
As for the triggering part. I have a lot of triggers – but it is my responsibility to only read things that might make me upset when I'm strong enough to. If that means avoiding some things for a few days then so be it. If it was on TV, you'd change the channel, if it's on a blog, just click away. It's really not that hard.
I'll stop rambling now, sorry.
- February 2, 2011 at 4:41 am
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No one should ever be silenced. Just because someone else is uncomfortable hearing/reading someone else's words. It doesn't mean they don't have the right to say them.
Completely unrelated: How am I posting this from the future?
- February 1, 2011 at 5:19 pm
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Go for it. Just every now and then take a really deep breath.
- February 1, 2011 at 5:16 pm
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I love your honesty. You put yourself right out there, and I like it ! I lost my ex to suicide, and patented our daughter alone till I remarried. I wrote a journal for years after to give her when she's old enough to want to know, and strong enough. Don't let others tell you what they think is best for your kids, who are Dealing with this, let them sit behind their anonymous keyboards and tell them to fuck off again, loudly
- February 1, 2011 at 5:12 pm
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Your posts didn't push me over the edge I was on; they did the exact opposite. Thank you for sharing your truth.
- February 1, 2011 at 5:12 pm
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Don't like? Don't read. Simple. It's not bloody rocket science.
This is your blog, your life, your children and your coping mechanism. This is about YOU, not about other people's opinions or perceptions. You're doing a wonderful thing by being open and honest and helping to break the stigma surrounding a lot of issues, and that's something you and your children can be immensely proud of. x - February 1, 2011 at 5:03 pm
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If the unknown 'emailer' doesn't like what he/she reads on your Blog why the hell do they bother to continue to read it…..?????
Lori do what works for you…….
- February 1, 2011 at 5:02 pm
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fuck yeah! I can't believe anyone would criticise you right now – fuck them. you're awesome and they are clearly fucked. I also applaud you – standing ovation fucking applaud you Lori.
- February 1, 2011 at 5:02 pm
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There are so many of us behind you Lori, not that you need it – you are such an amazing woman. Chop and Bump are lucky little ones to have you for their mum. As Toni said above "You rock."
- February 1, 2011 at 5:01 pm
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Lori – i only vaguely know you through BB but i always liked your honesty with your posts. and now, through this worst time of your life you are still being totally honest. I can't believe people would have the nerve to judge you – that's awful and 'fucked' (using your words
)
I'm so sorry this has happened to you but it is not your fault and there really isn't anything wrong with you. I don't have a good way with words so don't comment on much but just felt i had to after reading that people have been judging you. not good. I think of you often and hope that things get even just a tiny bit easier for you soon xxxx - February 1, 2011 at 4:50 pm
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Honest to fucking god, I can't believe how sanctimonious people get in this shared space we call the Internet.
This is *your* life, your feelings, your reality, your children…
You chose to share it with us, and we should (and do, some of us)feel privileged by that sharing. Why do some people feel it gives them license to leave their humanity and compassion at the metaphysical door and tell you 'where you went wrong'?
You have incredible courage. Your healing process, and the healing and future understanding of your children, will be positively influenced by your ability to digest and process Tony's suicide, as honestly as you know how.
Learning how to deal with grief and loss and pain is not something that can be learned from a book, or taught in schools, but sharing like yours, as you experience your own grief cycles, can be incredibly illuminating for us as well as cathartic for you. That's a win/win in my book.
But you blog it as you see it, and don't worry what I think, or anyone else.
And fuck you to anyone who thinks otherwise…!
PS. Of course, they probably have a problem with people using swearing for emotional emphasis as well…
- February 1, 2011 at 4:47 pm
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Opinions are like noses – everybody's got one. No one has any right to judge you. Please don't let it upset you. You have lots of support and love, so take a deep breath and let it go. XXOO
- February 1, 2011 at 4:47 pm
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So proud of you right now! You have awesome family, friends and an equally awesome online family that are behind you 100%.
To the dick that wrote the email FUCK YOU from all of us.
- February 1, 2011 at 4:38 pm
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Oh Lori. I am gobsmacked. Truly. As I have said on Jodie's post, I will say here – as I have said in relation to ALL blogging – if someone doesn't like it – unfollow. Simple as. (If only the rest of life were that simple. If only we could unfollow our own grief and pain. I am so sorry that it's not that easy.)
Huge hugs to you. xxx
- February 2, 2011 at 3:38 am
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No one knows what it's like to be in your shoes. Even every person left behind by the suicide of a loved one is completely different from every other one. No one gets to judge you. No one. Peace. New reader here…via the Bloggess. The Lone Star State sends our love.
- February 1, 2011 at 4:38 pm
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agreed! if they don't like it, don't read it! you are actually doing what a lot of us are scared of doing ourselves – telling the absolute truth, no matter how bad it is – lots of things you have said have been my thoughts also yet I don't know that I'd dare to admit them and I applaud you for doing so! and I send love and hugs too hoping you can draw some comfort from these well wishes from afar x
- February 1, 2011 at 4:37 pm
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You are doing a fantastic job. Your posts show just how terrible suicide is. Bottom line. Nothing on here could ever be a trigger. You write what you want to write.
- February 1, 2011 at 4:32 pm
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Wow. Sorry that was so long. Sarah
- February 1, 2011 at 4:32 pm
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Amen. This is YOUR story and those of us who are here to read your words in solidarity and support KNOW and UNDERSTAND that there is no way any of us can ever know or understand what you are going through. We can never walk your walk.
And I can't speak for anyone else but I WANT to hear your truth and your story and your pain right now. It helps me process my own because sometimes you say things that are just right, just DESCRIBE PERFECTLY how my pain feels. And that does the opposite of 'pushing me over the edge'… it HELPS me… and makes me feel part of a community, less alone in the world and in my pain and makes me wish that there was something, some little stupid thing that I could do to help you through your nightmare.
So please keep talking, keep getting it out, keep processing and venting and documenting because as much as this hurts me to read, it HELPS me even more.
So I join you Lori – FUCK YOU to anyone who doesn't get this… just move along and keep your judgment to yourself.
Sarah xxx
- February 1, 2011 at 4:30 pm
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Well said. If people don't want to hear what you have to say, why are they reading your blog?!?!? Silly.
I totally support your need to blog your way through this. We're here for you xxx
- February 1, 2011 at 4:28 pm
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Amen.
- February 1, 2011 at 4:27 pm
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Right on, babe. xo
- February 1, 2011 at 4:26 pm
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Do you know why you are a great mum? because you are doing all you can to keep your shit together, through an unimaginable trauma… for your kids and if this is how you do it, then dont stop.
xx Love XX
- February 1, 2011 at 4:24 pm
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Just breathe, Lori. Breathe. That asshole is not worth it.xxxxx
- February 1, 2011 at 4:23 pm
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It honestly drives me nuts when people complain about what's out there on the internet. There is heaps of crap on the WWW that's offensive or in opposition to the beliefs of others…that's what the X button in the top right hand corner is for- shut it down, and shut it out of your life. If you don't want to read it, you don't have to. If you disagree…shut it off. Don't they have better things to do than criticize things they have no idea about?
(Previous comment removed and edited because I read it back to myself and realized it sounded like I was accusing your writing of being offensive…which I don't think it is!)
- February 1, 2011 at 4:20 pm
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This comment has been removed by the author.
- February 1, 2011 at 4:19 pm
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a standing ovation Lori! not that you need to be justifying yourself at this point in time really, Fuck em, big time! xxx
- February 1, 2011 at 4:19 pm
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Speak. Get it out, for you, for your kids and for everyone else. People need to know the truth about suicide, it doesn't end with the suicide (except for the one doing it). ♥
- February 1, 2011 at 4:14 pm
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Hear, hear!! You tell them, Lori! xx
- February 1, 2011 at 10:45 pm
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this blog i a heart breaking REAL look at the aftermath of suicide, thank u for having the bravery to put this out here and letting us see a glimpse into your world.
- February 1, 2011 at 10:01 pm
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Hon, keep doing what you're doing. You're perfect as you are. Anyone who thinks otherwise, simply has their head up their arse. x
- February 1, 2011 at 9:17 pm
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I think your blog will one day help you show your beautiful babies how much Tony meant to you and how you will ultimately heal from the extreme pain you are in. So keep writing girl. And I am always more than happy to shelter you from virtual morons if you ever need a moderator.
Love Mrs Woog xo - February 1, 2011 at 7:57 pm
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Ppl have no idea. As you know, Lori my mother killed herself when I was 4. I never knew that til I was 12. I used to tell ppl she got struck by lightning just because as a child I had to have something to tell when people asked why she died. As a teenager and even now I know very little about my mum. A few years ago my dad found a travel diary of hers from well before she met my dad and having me. It showed signs of the sadness she carried her whole life. It was the closest I got to knowing her, no one else ever says much but I want to know more…everything!!!…no matter how hard (and some stuff I have found out is terribly hard). So for me a child who has been where yours are, I would be grateful for something like your blog. If when they want to know and are ready it's here for them.
- February 1, 2011 at 6:34 pm
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Well said Lori-continue to speak your truth and be as honest as you like. I am quite positive most applaud you for it. And a big FUCK YOU to anyone who doesn't.
- February 1, 2011 at 5:50 pm
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High five!!!!
- February 1, 2011 at 5:50 pm
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Just posted a somewhat similar reply on Jodie's blog. Should have known you'd already know it.
xx My friend.
- February 1, 2011 at 5:41 pm
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To be asked to hide the truth is to be asked to live in shame. "YOU SPEAK". I live with suicidal depression. Reading your blog hurts my heart for you, not me. It will NOT ever be the trigger for me to end my life. Anybody that thinks otherwise is a fucking idiot with an opinion but no understanding of what depression is.
So there are a few people out there who find your subject matter really really uncomfortable to read. Have they offered support or help. I doubt it. All these wankers want is a platform for their opinion. These narcissistic egomaniacs actually think their opinions are a community service. Dick-heads. They are not looking to actually help anyone. They are fishing for validation of their opinions. Cheap and easy.
One of the ways that I can tell my depression is on the improve is that I want to hurt those people more than I want to hurt myself. Thats a good thing.
- February 1, 2011 at 5:08 pm
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Lori, you are awesome. You are a great mum, and talented writer. I am happy to read anything you have to say on your blog, & I will stand with you to say a big FUCK YOU to any moron who thinks otherwise.
More power to you.
Mrs BC
xx - February 1, 2011 at 4:58 pm
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I am a relative newcomer to your blog….and your hurt breaks my heart. But its good to see you sticking to your guns, this is your space to do and use as you please…if others don't like it then they don't need to read it.
You're strong Lori, you will get through this. My thoughts are with you and your family xxx
- February 1, 2011 at 4:54 pm
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I wish I could say that I can't believe anyone would be so self-righteous, so pompous, but sadly I can believe it.
As you go through stuff in life, you learn that you have no right to hold an opinion on someone elses' life until you've walked in their shoes, and even then you'd better tread lightly because we all handle things differently and no experience is ever the same for any two people.
Lori, I wanted to applaud you when I read your reply. In fact, I'm damn well going to.
You rock. - February 1, 2011 at 4:50 pm
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Good on u. I've only just started reading ur blog recently but you writing how u feel is a good thing not a bad thing. If nothing else it's raising awareness of an issue that is rarely talked about let alone told with all the truth.
These people who have an issue with it seriously…. It's your blog…not theirs!! - February 1, 2011 at 4:39 pm
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FAWSKOVNJOAEHFJOEW Grieving is different for everyone, I am tired of people telling you how you be grieving. They can take their unwanted opinions, misplaced concerns and shove it up their fucking asses. AARGH!
- February 1, 2011 at 4:33 pm
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Bravo Lori. Really. I'm so glad you feel this way. It's important to know and understand and accept that this is your grief and no one else can tell you how to think/feel/grieve.
And you are right. Fuck them. This isn't about them. This is about you and your kids. Nobody else.
- February 1, 2011 at 4:23 pm
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I think your writing is raw, real and honest. I hope it is therapeutic in some way for you. I live with a husband with significant mental health issues and suicidal tendencies. I am scared sometimes by what I read, but never ever want you to stop writing because it is the truth.
I often think about you, and can not comprehend what you deal with on a day to day basis. I wish you and your family all the best that life can give you.
Thank you for your blog. It's brilliant. - February 1, 2011 at 4:23 pm
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It's your blog. Your emotions. Your kids. Your life. You say what you gotta say. Your kids will be so proud to have such a strong, open and honest mother.
You shouldn't have to keep secrets. It's your story, and it will be heard by those who want to hear it. And we are all still here listening xo
Previous post: Wrong.
Next post: The ever After vlog.
Random Ramblings of a SAHM: For Any Mother Who May Pass This Way (Nothing funny about this post, folks)
Random Ramblings of a SAHM: For Any Mother Who May Pass This Way (Nothing funny about this post, folks)
Random Ramblings of a SAHM: In The Powder Room
Random Ramblings of a SAHM: Lucky.
Random Ramblings of a SAHM: The Things We Do For Our Kids…
Random Ramblings of a SAHM: Not OK.
Random Ramblings of a SAHM: It’s not my fault. It’s because I have boobies.
Random Ramblings of a SAHM: Post It Notes To Pimp My GiveAway
Random Ramblings of a SAHM: Running Away Again.
Internet Dating 107- Black Widow. – RRSAHM
Internet Dating 107- Black Widow.
Who are you, in the position to make me feel so damn unpretty…?
“How do you not just… blurt it all out, the second you meet them?”
It’s not a sharp pain this time, just the dull ache of disappointment.
I mentioned I had another Internet date just the other day, and I said it wasn’t the dangerous type…. I was wrong.
I’ve been hurt again, and I’m kicking myself, because it’s my own stupid fault.
Too vulnerable, too much, too trusting, too soon.
A lovely first date, where you laugh and smile and kiss and there’s butterflies and warmth and connection.
And then… a second date. And things get more emotional, and we talk.
And talking is where I make my mistake. I confess that I’m needy and I’m still hurting, that I’m vulnerable. That I’ll probably need compliments, and love, and someone to take care of me.
Because, really, that’s all I want. Someone to love me. Someone to be strong for me.
And what a stupid, stupid thing to do. Trust this man who I feel I know so well. How many times must I be kicked in the face before I learn to trust no one?
Because, no, it’s far too much. What I need, what’s happened to me…. the state my emotions are in. The horror of my head.
I fucking deal with this 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I’m searching for someone who I can trust, someone who is willing to enter my head for a few hours every day or so. I know it’s a horrible place to be. I try to be sunny and happy and optimistic, for my own sanity, but mostly for the people around me…. if I am emotional, people leave. It is too much to deal with.
And that’s just what happened here. He’s sorry, really sorry, and he feels like an arsehole, he should have known what he was getting himself into, but he didn’t realise the reality of it. And he doesn’t want to hurt me.
Too late.
And please, no one tell me it was better to have found out now. I know that. It doesn’t make it any easier. Doesn’t make me any less dissapointed.
***
At least I know it’s not just me. There are a few of us… I won’t link, because I wouldn’t know where to link to. But it seems amongst young widows, suicide widows in particular, this, like skin hunger, is quite common.
Black widows, who carry the deepest pain of rejection around with us, ready to spill out on those we find comfort in. Please, I know it’s well meaning, but don’t tell me this simply means I am not ready, I am moving on too soon… I don’t think it would matter if I waited twenty years. I doubt that this would dissipate just because it was locked away.
Besides, taking someone lost, and making them feel safe… isn’t that what love is about? Finding someone you care enough to do that for?
***
After a third date, then umming and ahhhing over it for a while, going hot and cold, taking me by the hand then pushing me away again.. this guy ended up dumping me, by text message, three days before my birthday.
I’d like to say I was devastated, heartbroken… but as I’ve said before, it’s more disappointment than anything.
I have to stop this, I can’t keep letting myself get hurt like this. It’s time to let the idea of seeking a date pass, I think. If the universe has a man waiting in the wings, an impossible one liked I asked for, stashed somewhere nearby…. then surely he’ll find me?
***
I don’t know why, when I’ve decided to give up, but just after my birthday, just after my visit to the medium, I log on to that nasty internet dating website one more time… I think my intention is to close my account, hide my profile for a while.
And then someone’s picture, scrolling along the line of ‘online and available men’- generally a scrawling freak show, a moving example of why internet dating is a bad idea, but today… soemone’s picture stands out.
I’m not sure why, it’s not a great photo, and out of focus. It’s something about his startling blue, very kind eyes.
Of course there’s more to the story, isn’t there always…? Stay tuned. You know I’ll keep you posted.
Leave a Comment
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
- December 13, 2011 at 6:05 am
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Bless you for being so amazingly strong. I haven't been through anything even half as traumatic as you and I just can't bring myself to date at all, that trust is gone
- December 5, 2011 at 8:17 pm
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I agree with Anonymous. Everyone is needy in some way. It doesn't matter if it's the same or different needs, we all are needy, sometimes more so at one point than another.
Someone who breaks up with you in a text message…that's just wrong and selfish and immature.
- November 25, 2011 at 12:58 pm
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Trust no one?
Sadly.. it would seem to be the case.. but it is more about information sharing and boundaries…. in other words, all information has to be on a need to know basis.
There is no rush to blurt it all out on a first or second date… people could just take more time and lern to enjoy the company without Expectations.. become Friends.
There is plenty of time before anyone needs to get into the deep and meaningful discussions… so try tojust enjoy the company, not having to see it going anywhere yet.. so it can be what it is supposed to be for you.
- November 24, 2011 at 8:08 am
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Don't give up. Don't not trust. Be who you are, warts and all. Yes, you're going to meet some real assholes but god, the very NEXT one could be the one! Don't push your feelings down. Be honest with them. If they can't handle it, that's their loss. It's so terribly hard now. And you think it will never happen. But trust me – believe me – it will. Life is far too wonderful to stop loving! You'll make it.
- November 24, 2011 at 2:46 am
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I too am a "suicide widow"..the difference being I'm a lesbian, and we hadn't yet had children..
(I since have, by myself and then met someone wonderful who I plan to spend my life with!)
It's an enormous thing for someone new to deal with.
I was incredibly lucky that I met someone who loved me & was my rock for those first few months.. I unfortunately felt nothing but friendship for her & we have since lost contact because I couldn't return her feelings…My beautiful girl once said to me, people enter our lives for a "reason, season or a lifetime"… I felt that her leaving was ensuring herself a "lifetime", because I would love & remember her for the rest of mine.
And that special friend who took care of me for all that time came into my life for a "reason" & I (& my family) will be forever grateful to her for that..
I wish I could have felt the same way, but I truly believe she came into my life at that particular time to carry me through my darkness..
<3 Lori you make me laugh, cry, scream & want to hug you all in one breath! Keep on keeping on darling!! xx
- November 24, 2011 at 1:36 am
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Hey Lori – so sorry another buffoon stumbled through your life. Don't give up, the right one is out there. Be who you are – even though it will scare the weak ones away. You are amazing and you might as well lay it all out on the table – and a good man will scoop you up
xoxo - November 24, 2011 at 1:31 am
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Lori… honestly you are amazing. Don't forget it. You are on track. To bear your soul and to be ready and open will take you "there" but "here" is where you need to be.
I have not been where you are as a widow but when I was looking painfully after a horrid life of solid hurt I was looking for the "mate" soulmate or otherwise I was on a mission. I prayed on day for the man and I asked that I be led to him. Little did I know he was there for a few years already and one day I realized it. He was a man I worked with and then suddenly after we had not worked together for a few years we dated rather out of the blue and haphazardly we met up more than once… fate had it in for us (in a good way)… please don't give up and don't fear you are wrong by holding yourself to what you want.
(((((hugs)))))
- November 23, 2011 at 11:09 pm
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I hope one day I can help you find the one for you. I really do. I've set up two couples who got married. Maybe I still have some powers left for you.
- November 23, 2011 at 9:45 pm
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'are you sure you're not gay' – made me laugh! totally understand that sentiment.
let yourself feel. i am so sorry to hear you got hurt. he's not the right guy for you; he seems a bit corwardly..
go easy on yourself. xoxo
- November 23, 2011 at 9:01 pm
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There is pain in trying…but there is also pain in not trying.
Just keep being you…keep being honest…and when the right piece to your puzzle comes along, he won't be scared off. Or run away. Or hide his face from you. He'll get it.
Are you sure you aren't gay? Because as a whole? Us women are a fuck of alot nicer and stronger. Sometimes I get genuinely pissed off I like boys.
- November 23, 2011 at 8:36 pm
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Hi Lori
Well I've had the phone call & the letter break up before (bad enough), but never the SMS! (Slack)…So I'm now thinking, do or did you reply? (Could just pretend you never got it) & if one does reply, what do you reply with? … “yep no worries” or “get far away shove it where the sun don’t shine”? Sort of thing….or is there a vernacular like OMG & LOL for just this sort of thing?????…So many questions, I know, but as I said, you’re got me thinking & commenting for the first time.
I heard once & have never forgotten (which is rare for me)…. LOVE is putting the other person’s needs in front of your own. So as like a lot of others have said, you have done no wrong in my eyes…Just saying.
Now for a bit of fun/mystery/spice things up (not in a stalker type way) for all us Jelly Bean’s (Keep em) or maybe just a test to see if you do read my 1st time comment & other’s caring comments from some wonderful caring people out there, (I know you read them), or maybe the devil is in me??…….When are we going to catch up??……OMG time, I think, who could it be???
Not to be known as Anonymous (what # are we up to now?), just call me Cheers for now; let me know if you need more clues who it is.
- November 23, 2011 at 6:11 pm
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You know what – we have similar barriers. People don;t take the time to get to know you because of your emotional state, and people don't take the time to get to know my because of my physical state. It is tough. I don't think you are asking too much, and plus, it is very easy to build trust when they are saying all the right things.
I also know what skin hunger feels like. I sent you a tweet, but here is the link. http://carlyfindlay.blogspot.com/2011/07/untouched.html I yearn for touch so much. As a person that others think is contagious, or that they're going to hurt, touch can be rare.
- November 23, 2011 at 4:59 pm
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It is so hard not to blurt everything out and to hold it all in because that is so much a part of who you are.
I do think that a TEXT is just wrong – he should have had the balls to do it face to face with you – nobody deserves a text in that situation.
I'm sorry that I have no advice to give you – all I can do is send lots of love, hugs and positive energy – when the time is right, it will happen. It has to because you are an amazing human being (bean) who deserves to have someone special in your life.
- November 23, 2011 at 2:51 pm
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Lori –
The right person will love and care for you no matter what. And if they fall for you when you're not at your best, then that is a good idea that they will love you at your best too.
Your past is your past. It is yours to cherish, and yours to hold close. You aren't obligated to share the details, or any of it for that matter, until you KNOW FOR SURE that this guy is WORTHY of knowing about such important things. This gentleman was clearly not worthy.
You will meet the man, Lori. And when you do, it's not going to be a big deal to tell him about anything and everything in your life.
Much love as always.
- November 23, 2011 at 12:47 pm
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You're not asking too much.
You are not AT ALL. And you keep asking for what you need, what you want, because you deserve it all and there WILL be someone out there who is more than willing and happy to give it to you.
You just need to hold out for them, and hope that the toads have all been kissed and your prince is waiting. - November 23, 2011 at 12:04 pm
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The thing is…you ARE emotional, and needy, and vulnerable and hurting. You DO need love, compliments and someone to take care of you. And thats what being you, being Lori, being human is all about. And that's ok. Nothing wrong with it at all.
Anything else would be contrived. And there's nothing quite so exhausting as trying to be who you are not.
And if, while being you, and being true to yourself, the dreams seem to appear, only to fade away, then they just weren't yet right, weren't meant to be.
So, the disappointments will come and go, and yes, they are damn sore when they happen, but you still just have to stay true to yourself, your values and priorities and hopes. Don't lose hold of that, please.
– Mouse
- November 23, 2011 at 12:04 pm
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I'm going to divert a little here and rage on the page about the fact that he TEXTED you, rather than speak to you face to face. Spineless ar$e. Anyone that texts you his true emotions surely isn't mature enough to handle the weight of anyone's baggage (not just yours specifically).
As my friends would always say to me "shoulders back, t*ts out and……NEXT!"
- November 23, 2011 at 10:47 am
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“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn MonroeI think that summarises it best.
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, keep going. You can do it. I know you can.
Light love and lots of hugs. xxx
(and I'll put in an order to the universe for your knight in shining armour ) - November 23, 2011 at 9:55 am
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Everyone is needy in some way, and vulnerable and messy. It's called being human. It's an unevolved person who can't see that. It's just you said it, aloud, which is a bit unusual in the world of dating
Disappointment is universal, it doesn't belong only to vulnerability. I've tried to be so un-needy, so un-vulnerable, so teflon, and I was still disappointed and I wasn't me either.
Buggar this one Lori. You're on the right track to finding what you need. If you do find the man you seek, he'll pass you by unless you put yourself out there (on dating sites or whatever) messy self and all.
- November 23, 2011 at 8:52 am
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I hate to mention it.. but do you think your asking too much after three dates.. sure there is someone out there that will love you, and take your pain and make it their own… but after a handful of dates that seems like a lot to drop on someone. You need to build up trust and love and I think it takes time.. I dunno, just some of my own thoughts… I hope you find your peace and happiness.
- November 23, 2011 at 8:39 am
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I think you are right that it will hurt even if you wait. And if you want it, doesn't that right there mean you're ready?
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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
Darrel Morris.
2009 a nose picking, snot eating from nethers assistant secretary was inivited to a quiz night. Having been a graduate staff selector, considered an invitee fair game. Constantly ignored advances, still prevails within gareth’s gazebo.
Why could one bother continuing working within shithole gazebo and a nose picking failed AS pleb! & to boot, Canberra! no thanks
A really thoughtful courageous piece. My partner has suffered from depression a number of times in the past, but there is no way known he'd let them know that in his medical assessment when starting a new job. Depression is not accepted or understood in the workplace and in general society. There is a definite view that people should just get over it and that this terrible illness is somehow of its recipients making. I wish you well for standing up and speaking out about bullying.
I have two thoughts – aswell as wanting to say what a well written post.
My friends from home (the uK) are mostly male. They support each other, hug each other and are open with each other. THey are also friends with women, even though they are married and socialise with other women apart from their wives. I don't see this happening so often in Australia. I think the she'll be right attitude is sad, and needs to change. The gender split is so common, men go and stand by the BBQ and talk over beer about fishing and men stuff and women go to the kitchen and make food and talk about shopping and babies. I was always out of place standin in the wrong group, although we now have most friends who are happy mixing to chat and socialise. It is a small group. Instead of everyone gaining the benefit of being both a man and a woman and supporting and sharing views even though we approach things together. I can understand why the reporter was so suprised.
And secondly bullying in the workplace in govt does not suprise me in the slightest. I was bullied working for a govt department and vowed I would never go back to Govt. Govt Dept's are governed by red tape, not people able to do their job to protect and support people. I really hope things work out for your friend and that he finds a workplace that he can enjoy because it makes life a living hell being bullied.
Laurie, I am having such a hard time lately, and your writings have inspired me for a long time! I feel for Tony and for Darrell. I just returned to work after a 12 week leave of absence (my daughter had cancer) and I'm miserable. Part of it is my own depression from the situation, but it is made worse by things that are going on at work and how they are treating me. Thank you for talking about this!
I'm totally re-tweeting this and sharing this on FB as this is definitely a global issue.
I experienced similar treatment to your husband (I was socially isolated, stuck at the end of a narrow hallway with only our department head, the meanest, cruellest and nastiest bitch of a woman you could ever come across, for company). This after trying to keep my head above water in a culture that made you fear for your job if you weren't one of the people working until midnight on a regular basis even though your stated hours were 9 to 5. Thankfully, unlike with Tony, this was just a job to me – a means of paying my bills and nothing more, so I left. Though I did have a good rapport with quite a few of my co-workers, I felt nothing but happy and relieved to get the hell out of there at last.
I'm so sorry Tony and Darrell had/have to go through that at all. It breaks my heart that this not only occurred but occurred in a job that actually means something to them, and I pray that there are better things for Darrell on the horizon. Good on you for helping him to share his truth and for exposing this culture of bullying.
((HUG))
– Crystal
Lori
You are so wonderful for speaking out and lifting the lid on this type of bullying culture. My husband works for Australia's national airline and not only has to live with essentially the constant threat that he may go to work and be redundant but he has a manager whose consistent line when changing work conditions (including shift patterns with one weeks notice that cost us $20k pa in income!!!) is if you don't like it there's the door. They do annual staff engagement surveys in their department where the rank and file routinely place issues around his management or lack of skills at such low levels it is a miracle they are turning up to work and the solution has been consistently to not listen to the staff and to promote the manager!!!
Bullying is rife in my husbands workplace and with a wife who has clinical depression and a father who has recently threatened suicide and been dx with bipolar I worry for my husband as I know his workplace is incredibly unsupportive. I think I will refer him the review so he and we can report it and hopefully make a difference going forward. Though having watched antics in parliament recently it does not surprise me that bullying is rife in the public service it is completely wrong but not surprising.
Thank you for being a vocal minority and raising awareness of a silent killer in our workplaces I'm sure!!
Hugs
C xx
Reading this post makes me sad and angry. My husband is going through a similar thing (although thankfully there is only one person involved and he has very supportive colleagues).
He has been bullied by a woman (who said we were the fairer sex) for the last 3 years. HIs workload has almost doubled since he started at his company (a very well known international drinks company) and yet somehow he is underperforming, then the next month he is performing, then the next underperforming. And so on.
It finally all came to a head a couple of months ago when she slapped a formal allegation of misconduct on him. He was devastated. We got a lawyer involved and the allegation was dropped immediately. She constantly writes emails to him copying in his new managers, and discussing his "performance issues" – none of which exist.
2 weeks ago he put in a formal grievance against her. He really struggled with the decision. A past manager (male) that he had mentioned the situation to had basically told him to "man up".
He is really stressed, losing weight fast and I worry about him all the time. Thankfully he has decided to see a counsellor to talk it through (very unlike him).
It takes balls to stand up to bullies. The Aussie attitude of "she'll be right" actually helps bullies to bully better.
Thanks for this post Lori and Darrell xx
Can write to local member of parliament or talk to media. Or write to senator bob Carr the foreign minister.
Good on you Darrell, you are a brave and courageous person and the world needs more people like yourself. I wish you the best and wholeheartedly support you.
So… What do we do?
How can we help?
Sharing this post in support of Darrell, I was shocked and angry at the treatment he's received. I sincerely admire you Lori, another fantastic post. Stick it to the man Darrell!!
My Dad was bullied into early retirement from a job he had held and loved for over 30 years by someone who had been there less than one. He ended up with depression as a result and had quite a few bad years. Luckily he is ok again now but it crushed me to see a strong happy man such as him crumple like that from bullies.
Im glad you posted this Lori, it's important to get the word out that bullies don't always stop after high school.
XX
It is disgraceful that the words about human resources departments are so screwed around they are worth less than the paper they're printed on. Having worked for a govt dept for all of my life. I was unceremoniously ousted when I ran out of energy. Resourcefulness & ability to wear the unending onslaught of complaints from the ADULTS in the school. An early "retirement" 10 years ago this year has left me astounded at the lack of care. Truly. Employers and those who govern seem to do this from a fear of the powers that be. Hence. Bullying & diminishing another's worth (like Tony & Darrell) because they might have a different outlook or opinion or want to care for their family or follow a different political group. It is from fear. I know this. It is widespread & I see some of it on-line every day. Lori – good for you hitting publish. What happens next? Can only wait & watch. Good luck to Darrell. A good man like your Tony. Love Denyse xx
Hi Lori,
Reading your post gave me goosebumps and made me so angry at the same time!
Absolutely speak out! It's why I started my own blog a month ago now, to talk about my depression, share the stories and piss off the stigma and ignorance.
I can't stand what has happened to Darrell, it is so sickening to know that it has happened and continues to happen. How brave of both of you to stand up and fight.
Sending you both strength, light and love, hope you nail the bastards to the wall… xoxo
In full support of Darrell and you for Lori for publishing this post. It's too important to push under the rug. Being from Canberra (no longer there thank goodness) I understand the culture in the public service. They can be elitist and if you don't fit into 'their world' you have no hope. Wishing Darrell so much love xxx
I support Darrell, one gutsy fella and good on your Lori for providing the forum for him to speak out. I hope that this is the beginning of the process to bring about change in the work place. Government Departments should be role models for reform not some of the worst offenders!
Wow Lori, this is an excellent post. Well done to you and Darrell for speaking out.
Love & stuff
Mrs M
Go for it Darrell. I sincerely wish you all the best.
The career I trained in (the health service, 'ironically') I stopped working in a few years ago, burnt out from an insiduous and toxic culture cemented in place. From what I could work out, this had been the case for years – there had been a steady turnover of people in my (and my colleagues) role. Its really hard to pinpoint – a lot of the time I was questioning how much of this was me, or in my head. I watched someone new recruited to our team: over a couple of months she went from being a bubbly outgoing happy-go-lucky fun person to being stressed out, angry, frustrated and on anti-depressants and regularly bursting into tears when walking into our office.
Not just me then.
A role I was in in the UK had a similar bullying set up – the girl who was in my role before I arrived had had a hell of a time with a bullying colleague – not her actual manager but someone in a managementy position that had a sphere of influence over our daily work. That one went through management and fortunately the situation had improved by the time I turned up. there were still echoes of it though.
I didn't fight it, the former. I left, and never went back. I intended to fight it, but my mental health won out. I didn't recognise myself and that wasn't my life. And still, to this day, I wonder, despite all the meetings we called, the strategies we put in place and the constant liaision with our line managers, if I could have done more to make the situation workable.
Ingrained work cultures, from what I understand, take a hell of a lot of guts and courage to pull all the shite out of the closet and expose it to the sunlight. I didn't have those guts. Darrell, you do.
I wish you strength, courage and tenacity to nail this.
It takes guts to speak out. Well done to you and to Darrell. People just don't understand depression and more needs to be done about it and this is a step towards that education.
What an amazing guy Darrell is. I know what it is like to have the majority of your co-workers and bosses decide to team up against you, and it is awful even when the joib is just a shit way to pay the bills. I can't even imagine having something I love turn on me like that. I hope Darrell and you start a few balls rolling, no matter how small.
I dont know you Lori but I just want to say I have an overwhelming feeling of pride for you and what you are doing to help Darrell and others like him.I had tears in my eyes while reading the torment he has had to go through and if it wasnt for your blog what may have happened.
I hope you know how special you truelly are.You and your beautiful caring compassionate soul are saving lives.You Are Saving Families.How precious is that.
You are making a difference in this world where so many dont take the time for others and bless you for it.I am bursting with admiration for you.You make me want to never ever stop reaching out my hand to help others no matter how tough my times may be.xx
Good on you Lori! And good on Darrell for having the strength of conviction to stand up and say this isn't right!
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing"
Thank you for being a good man and woman doing something!