Monthly Archives: May 2016

November 2010 – RRSAHM

November 2010

Lost and Found: One Pair of Shoes, Missing Owner.

by Lori Dwyer on November 30, 2010 · 11 comments

There’s no place like home,

Aloha, jellybeaners. This is a Lost and Found announcement from the Purple House, bought to you by RRSAHM.

Just recently- well, actually not quite so recently, it was a good two months ago now- my precious little baby Bump turned one. As is the birthday tradition in the Purple House, we threw a big birthday barbecue bash. Lots of guests, lots of food, lots of kids in the spa and sandpit, lots of fun. Also lots of mess to clean up afterward. Two days worth of mess. Overflowing otto bins, sand in every crevice of every cushion on the lounge. Next year, I’m totally doing a PlayMaze Party, where they cater and clean. Not at my house.

As you can see, the Bump had a fabulous time. And that is the most important thing. Right? Right. It’s totally worth it.

*Ahem* Totally.

Moving on. A very peculiar event occurred at the Bump’s first birthday. Or, actually, after the Bump’s first birthday party.

You see, someone left their shoes behind.

Now, that’s odd to begin with. It was summer, it was hot, most people slipped their shoes off… but surely you would notice if you left your shoes behind…eventually?

And when you did notice, you would think you would ask for them back. But so far, nada. Nothing. not a word, from a single party guest.

Therefore, before I deposit them gracefully in the Lifeline second hand clothing bin, I fear it’s only fair to do an official Lost and Found announcement for them, here on my blog. Because… well… where else would I do an official Lost and Found announcement, but here…?

Found
Where: The Purple House.
Belonging to: My best guess is, a guest at the Bump’s first birthday party. Unless we have some kind of shoe fairy, Which would be fabulous, but, like most of my fairies, she is doing a totally crap job. See below.
Description: One pair of very pretty, flat red strappy shoes. Size 9. Which is unfortunately a good two sizes too big for me, or this notice wouldn’t exist because I would have already claimed them.
Claimage: Please call 0410 RRSAHM, or contact me via telekinesis. Or, ya know, send me a message on FaceBook, or something.

So… there you go. Bizarreness. I’m still trying to figure out who could possibly leaves their shoes behind. Bojangles, Auntie Mickey and the Mother of Princess Boofhead are the usual suspects, but they all swear the shoes don’t belong to them.

My life just gets weirder. If anyone can shod (boom tish!) some light on this one, help me out here?

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{ 11 comments }

Vloggus Interruptus.

by Lori Dwyer on November 28, 2010 · 24 comments

Muuuuum,

I just realised that you can, at various points in this clip, see my very skanky chipped fingernails. Not chipped fingernail polish, actual chipped fingernails. More on that later in the week. (I know. All the hard hitting, fascinating issues here at RRSAHM.)

Whatever. Vloggus interruptus. Enjoy.

Or something.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F8cjcvBbwRo?fs=1]

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{ 24 comments }

FlogYoBlog Friday*.

by Lori Dwyer on November 26, 2010 · 10 comments

*Crap title, I know. It’s all I got this week, OK? OK.

Ahhhh,

Welcome!! It’s FlogYoBlog Friday!! The coolest, most awesomest…

OK. Enough of that. My exclamation marks are looking droopy. I’ve had a huge blogging week. Including an very exciting thingie I did for Kleenex Mums, which I’m sure I will get around to telling you about sometime next week.

So… this is FlogYoBlog Friday. For newbies, it’s a blog hop- a way to find cool blogs to read, and show off your own blog. All the technical instructions are here. FlogYoBlog really is the place to be on a Friday. Trust me. The Bloggess was here last week. Yup, that’s me showing off again. And I’m too tired to be enthusiastic about it.

So.. you lot will have to do the enthusing for me. Get ready… get set… flog….

The Rules.
  1. Follow my blog, the Random Ramblings of a SAHM. I never seem to get to reading all the links here. But believe me, I try. Not that any of this is my idea anyway- FYBF is MummyTime’s brainbaby. I stole it.
  2. Grab the bubbly button and post it on your sidebar.
  3. Link your First Name and/or Blog Name and URL of your post or blog.
  4. Add a short description (max of 125 chars). It could be a description of yourself, your blog or a teaser to your latest post. .
  5. Follow at least 1 linkyer/blogger (Be nice and spread the love).
  6. The list will be open for linkyers on Fridays (and for the foreigners Friday as well).
  7. A new and fresh link list will open  every Friday. And you will have to link up AGAIN. The previous link list  does not carry over to the following week.
  8. And lastly, have lotsa fun. I mean it. If I detect anyone not totally loving the awesomeness, I will bump you off the linky list. (Joking) (Kinda).
  9. rrsahm

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{ 10 comments }

August 2013 – RRSAHM

August 2013

Ouch.

by Lori Dwyer on August 30, 2013 · 71 comments

I think being a parent involves having your heart tweaked and fractured every so often. It’s impossible to protect yourself from your children’s hurts. Your own coping strategies are less effective when it’s someone else’s pain.

My daughter attends her first day at daycare yesterday, and when I pick her up there is something not quite right about her; something off about my sunny, bubbly girl.

The reason was as basic and simple as it comes. She’s toilet training, she had an accident at school. The other little girls wouldn’t play with her.

Oh. Ouch. Ouch.

She misses her old school, she tells me, and her friends that were there.

Ouch, ouch, ouch.

***

My son is, if nothing else, a coper. He’s stoic and strong and he rarely shows it when he’s sad. I witness his pain in tiny slips of his innocent tongue- the things he says without realising he’s saying anything at all.

Playing with his sister, doubled together on a ride-on bike, they’re discussing imaginary destinations.

“I want to go to Heaven“ says my boy. “With God. And Dad.”

He thinks nothing of it. Both my children continue on with their game.

Ouch. Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.

***

At the moment, it’s all exasperated by that general overwhelming feeling of sadness. I miss my mum. It’s a hollow ache every time I think about it.

If I’m missing her so, I can only imagine how much my kids must be missing their Nonna. How much she must be missing them. We talk on the phone, and I hold back tears, seeing how happy my little ones are just to hear her voice.

Ouch. Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.

 

{ 71 comments }

Settling.

by Lori Dwyer on August 29, 2013 · 7 comments

My children inevitably settle far quicker than I do. The resilience of small children never ceases to amaze me. They miss their old schools, their house. They miss their Nonna. But they are fine, and that causes me to feel better without even trying.

The Chop starts his new school with the enthusiasm only a five year old boy can muster. His new school is beautiful, and sending him there makes me feel infinitely better. There’s a food garden, and a handful of pet chooks that roam the playground. His teacher goes by first name only, and teaches his students yoga. 

My Bumpy girl started her daycare today, and, again, that makes me feel better. I’m in the New House by myself for the first time today.

And all I really want to do is sleep. I’m so tired. Just typing that sentence was enough to start the tears of exhaustion flowing.

This is difficult. It’s money stress and new place stress and general life stress, exasperated.

I know how to do this. Just keep going. Keep getting up, getting dressed, taking my meds. This too shall pass.

Right now, I’m too overwhelmed to keep my head above the waves.

***

It feels selfish, whinging about it. God knows some of you think I do enough of that already. The girl who can not be happy, even when she gets what she wants.

***

We’re close enough that I walk my son to school in the morning, mingling with the dozens of other mothers making their way on foot or bike or by car. Blending in is nice.

My Bump and I walk home, slowly. The air smells of jasmine and eucalypt. It’s the first day of spring in Melbourne.

We stop and smell flowers. We giggle. We skip and jump over cracks. It feels real. I’m closer to my kids already, and we’ve been here less than a week.

I chat to my mate Kristabelle on the phone, sobbing out my silly pains and worries to her. Of everyone I know, Kristabelle’s pep talks are always the ones that hit me deepest.

“A year ago you couldn’t have done this…” She says, and she’s right.

I know, I keep saying this. I have to. It’s become my mantra, a buoy to float on. I can do this.

We will stop and smell the flowers every morning, if that’s what it takes. Somehow… this is all going to be fine.

 

{ 7 comments }

Moved.

by Lori Dwyer on August 28, 2013 · 12 comments

The last few days have passed in a blur of chaotic confusion and emotion. All of us– my kids, myself, The Most Amazing Man In The Universe– are slightly discombobulated and worn out.

Moving houses, moving states… it’s exhausting.

My mate The Bear moves us again, bless his huge, bursting heart. Bunny and The Bear and I pack the truck late on Friday afternoon. I sedate the cat, strap the bird cage into the car, and say goodbye to the TinyTrainHouse.

I don’t look back. The Bear gave me that advice when I left the Purple House, and I’ve kept it close and used it often. Very few good things come from looking back at where you’re leaving, especially if it hurts to leave.

Auntie Mickey does the eight hour drive to Melbourne with me. We arrive at five am on Saturday morning to surprise The Most Amazing Man, who thinks we’re coming Saturday afternoon. Still half asleep, he wraps me up in his arms, and it’s like time stops for a minute and it’s just me and him. The world rights itself for a second and everything is always going to be fine.

My mum has flown down with my children, and she spends her two hours in the New House madly helping me unpack. I sob when she leaves, my heart breaking a little.

I will miss her so much.

Auntie Mickey stays until Monday, and when she leaves my heart breaks again. I walk around the house for the next few hours with my breath hitching and peaking in frenzied panic attacks. I can’t stop crying and my mind repeats a stupid story to me; one that says I’m going to be alone and lonely, alone and lonely.

I takes a bit to sink in that I’m not lonely, and I’m certainly not alone. It’s taken until writing this down to realise that what I’m feeling is just an echo of what I’ve felt before. It’s not real. I’ve moved again, and my brain confuses that strange inertia of a new location with the horror of trauma and grieving.

I have to keep reminding myself I’m allowed to be happy. That The Most Amazing Man In The Universe is not leaving us any time soon. That he’s not going anywhere.

I have to keep reminding myself, over and over. It’s all going to be okay.

{ 12 comments }

Secrets, Part Two- Annoying Is Still Annoying. – RRSAHM

Secrets, Part Two- Annoying Is Still Annoying.

by Lori Dwyer on July 11, 2011 · 11 comments

From the deep, dark secrets of early widowhood, Part Two.

Married women- and men, surely- it’s no secret that there are things about your partner that annoy the crap out of you. That’s life.

With Tony, well… we’ve discussed Tin Lizzie before. A hulking shell of a ute, who, between her and her plentiful accessories, took up my entire garage.

I don’t know why everyone was so surprised when, after Tony died, the first thing I wanted to do was get of the bloody ute, clean out our garage to get rid of all his crap- he was such a hoarder, never threw anything away (and that rope was laying there, that orange rope, for months, in amongst all that stuff, so sinister… why didn’t I see that?). It was almost as if I was supposed to keep all that stuff, to mull over it. Some kind of shrine.
 
Why, when all it was, was something I’d never liked, which now caused me pain to look at, to think about…? I didn’t want it to become a weight. I needed to do it, while I was still in shock…. because I knew it would hurt too much, become a useless attachment, if I let it sit.

It annoyed me when he was alive. That didn’t change, once he died.

Some things- the way he’d leave his clothes laying around (if I think about that, I can smell the scent of him on work shirts, laying on our bedroom floor)… things that annoyed before, the absence of them breaks my heart now.

But other things.. like his ute… well. As I said, I didn’t really like it when he was alive. Him being dead made it no different.

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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

Hear Mum Roar July 13, 2011 at 8:52 pm

I think it's great to get rid of the stuff you don't like. That way you can hang onto the good stuff if that's what you want to do:)

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Lynda Halliger-Otvos July 12, 2011 at 5:21 am

May I add my voice to those already here ?~! I am soooo in favor of eliminating stuff from our lives and filling lives with people and art and emotions and love and discovery and patience and exploration and food. Do what you think is best at whatever time you need to. Stuff the people who don’t care for your decisions.

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MamaRobinJ July 12, 2011 at 2:33 am

I totally understand that. My husband has so much stuff in our garage and I always wonder what I'd do with it if he died.

Your attachment to some of the stuff is totally to be expected. As is your desire to get rid of the ute ;)

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Kymmie July 11, 2011 at 10:25 pm

I live with a hoarder, and I would do exactly the same thing…

Did you get rid of a whole bunch of stuff when you moved? It must have been cleansing/painful in a whole bunch of different ways…

xx

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Diminishing Lucy July 11, 2011 at 9:41 pm

Holding on to all that shit is not worth the emotion. Let it all go. You still have the essence of him. xx

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Claire July 11, 2011 at 8:31 pm

"A person is not their possessions"

Dang, Glowless – what a way to hit the nail on the head.

Thinking of you, Lori.

Cxx

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Jess Newman July 11, 2011 at 8:10 pm

No one should tell you how to feel or what to do. And glowless is right, it was a smart move. If my husband died i think the first thing I would do is sell his boat because otherwise I might never do it.

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kayren July 11, 2011 at 8:04 pm

somehow, this post made me sad. im not sure if its supposed to be sad but i did feel sad..);
i do hope you are coping well..(;

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Glowless @ Where’s My Glow July 11, 2011 at 7:50 pm

I think getting rid of all the crap while you were still in shock was such a smart move.
A person is not their possessions, he isn't in them.
xxx

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Miss Pink July 11, 2011 at 6:18 pm

Some things would be easier to get rid of. OF course! Why would you keep things you never liked if they aren't there to use them/stop you from burning the shit out of them.
If Mr Black died i'd get rid of this ugly beanie he has. He wears it all the time and I fucking hate the thing. It's ugly. It makes him look ugly. It has one of those cap things on it and they're just…awful.
Would you dance around a fire with me when I chuck it in?

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Crystal Cheverie July 11, 2011 at 9:51 pm

My jaw is on the floor. Seriously, of all the things to give you a hard time about, not keeping his ute??? I think the title of your post says it all – "annoying is still annoying." You aren't going to suddenly fall in love with Tin Lizzie just because Tony is gone. Anyways, I'm glad you did get it all taken care of.

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Aussie Mummy Blogger Blog Carnival- The Best of July – RRSAHM

Aussie Mummy Blogger Blog Carnival- The Best of July

by Lori Dwyer on August 4, 2010 · 19 comments

Yeeee haa,

Welcome to the second ever Aussie Mummy Bloggers Blog Carnival. This one features all the best posts from Aussie mummy blogger during the month of July.

AMB blog carnival button

There’s quite a few links here. Get comfy. Grab a cuppa. Make it caffeinated. And get stuck into some awesome bloggy goodness.

Oh, and blog carnival-ers, don’t forget to grab the new button code, mmkay?

Lucy from Diminishing Lucy. A powerful post that really looks at how to start solving the maze of emotional eating.
Ten Ways to Stop Emotional Eating

Kristin from Wanderlust. I’ve never much cared for sports.  At all.  But the other day I stumbled across…. naked rugby.  Come again?  Rugby?  In the buff?  Hoo to the ya ya ya!!
I Think I’ve just Become A Sports Fan.

Jo from MumtoJ’s Blog. … a poem that I wrote for my Nan, she passed away 5 years ago but I miss her everyday and have always struggled to say goodbye to her.
The Final GoodBye

Sarah from Just Me. A rant about the inconsistencies in women’s clothing. Ugh.
The Reason I Hate Shopping OR Women’s Clothing Sizes Suck.

Megan from Writing Out Loud. My baby loves books, but it wasn’t always that way. Find out my top ideas for reading to your toddler or baby.My Baby Loves Books. 

Amba from Team Mummy. A story about my first & second pregnancy and the colostrum I got myself into!
Would You Like Colostrum With That? 

Melissa at The Things I’d Tell You. This post is totally NOT about my husband and I.  It’s about other people. Who are not us. At all. Honest.
So. This Can Stay Between Us, Right?

Lori at Random Ramblings of a SAHM. An Interview with Abby Cadabby from Sesame Street. Yep, really.
That’s So Magic- The One Where Lori Meets Abby Cadabby!!

Thea at Do I Really Wanna Blog? On the 17th July my blog turned one…so I threw a party!  Blog style!!
Happy Blogoversary To Me! 

Kelly at Be A Fun Mum. “I can’t remember the last time I watched the evening news.  I love reading the paper, but I haven’t done that in a long time either.  There’s a certain nicety about being ignorant of world events; however I don’t want my world to become so small, based around the poos and wees of my children (it can happen; I should know), that I lose touch with reality. Keeping up-to-date with current events is hard work for me.”
Wees and Poos Instead of The Paper and News

Veronica at Veronica Foale. A fictional look at blogging.
Welcome To The InterWebs.

Jenny Wynter at Comic Mummy. An interview with international comedian, mother-of-five and all round picture of wonder, Fiona O’Loughlin.
Interview With Fiona O’Loughlin

Lauren at Sparkling Adventures.The girls wanted to fly, so David said, “Sure, why not?” and constructed a flying apparatus so we could send them flying around the living room. This glimpse into our lives captures our attitudes towards life and learning — we seize the moment and run with it!
We’re Flying Now!

BabyMac at BabyMac. This post is the one where I fill you all in on some HUUUUUUGE changes for our family that are coming up. Making decisions. Taking action. Bringing on change. And ALL for the best (we hope!)
To The Left, to The Left

Becky from BeckyandJames. Good, Bad, Ugly – Take a peek over the fence into a day in the life, an honest snapshot of a tough day as a SAHM.
Emotional.

Dannii at DanniiBeauty. Take the time to think of what ten things you love! Here are mine, now you tell me yours!
What Do YOU Love?

Nikki Parkinson At Styling You.  I wrote this blog after spending the day in Sydney at a blogger-only beauty event organised by PR company, Maxted Thomas.  We got to play and be pampered with lots of beauty products but best of all I got meet lots of my blogger friends in 3D.
So Much Beauty, So Many Bloggers. So Much Fun. 

Mrs Woog at WoogsWorld. I wrote this post shortly after my birthday,  which is when the lightbulb went out and I realised my brain was getting as old as my body.
What I Am Yet To Get. 

Brenda at MummyTime. If you were to write a letter to your newbie blogger self, what would you say? I have written one. Wanna check it out?
A Letter To My Newbie Bloggie Self


Alison at Coffee, Kids, Chaos & Me.Time to ‘fess up: as a (yummy) mummy, how much do you still spend on looking good?
The Cost of Looking Good- Do You Still Spend As Much?

Christy at A Cajun Down Under. English is English right?  Well….most of the time, but sometimes it just drives both me and my spell checker nuts!
Spelling 101 

Jade at Jadeluxe. My most horrendous parenting experience to date, involving interpretive nappying,

willfully deceiving the government, and ultimately burning my beloved handbag on a 
bonfire. On purpose.
This One Time, At The Maternal and Child Health Nurse. 
 
Colin Wee at Super Parents. Rather than doing more math homework, William (8yo) and I looked at 
Cezanne during the holidays to get an understanding of the man behind the movement. 

School Holidays- Art Over Maths

Shelley at My ShoeBox Life. My Mummy Mission to the supermarket unaccompanied, starring a Hot Pink Supre bag.
An Act of Sabotage. 

Marita/Leechbabe from Stuff With Thing. I am a mother. The tightrope we walk as parents.
I Am A Mother. 

Kate Pickle at PickleBums. It was two years ago now, but it is still fresh in my mind. Come laugh at my ‘Bridget Jones Moment’ in the Big White Bus.
Screw Up Tuesday- I’m All Class.

Kim at FlufflePot. Can your teenager beat you in an arm wrestle? Does their competence with modern technology make you feel feeble-minded? Read on!
How To Relate To You Teenage- Part Three.

Ash at Mm Is For Me’s Blog. Some fabulous fashion photos inspired me to look at how we can encourage pea eating!
Please Eat Your Peas!

Corrie from retromummy.
This post is my mini vent at the comments I’ve been receiving because I have 3 small children and baby 4 on the way! I’m not having baby number 14, people!
Are They All Yours?

Multiple Mum at And Then There Were Four. Have you got your cranky pants on? After losing the plot for a few days, this Mum of four reflected on her Behaviour Management strategies and rediscovered  the gentler parent within.
Our Stellar Behaviour Management Plan

Deb at Science@Home. This is a 5 minute experiment we did with 3 cups and some hot water.  It was a great, simple way of getting the big girl to think about different materials and the little one had a ball copying.  Complete with cute video!
Predict, Observe and Explain-Which Cup is Best For Hot Drinks?

Nellbe at Nellbe’s Scribblings…. talking about how little sleep her and her baby are getting.
Sleep, How I Love Thee

Katiegirl at The Life and Times of an Ordinary Girl. Mama’s on her soapbox. Again!! This time I’ve got my sights set on the pharmaceutical industry. You may never look at the world in the same way again. Don’t say I didn’t warn you  🙂
The Sickness Files

Lara at Lara’s Blog (Extremely Nappies). My post is about My Big Fat Muslim Wedding in the slums of Jakarta. They dress me like a Betawi princess, and the groom like a corpse; I pretend to speak Arabic for the vows; there’s strange rituals and rocking party alongside the open sewers.
 My Big Fat Muslim Wedding. 

Jen at jemikaan. 3 kids, 7 years of photos = 50 things being a parent has taught me. You never realise just how far you have come and just how much more you need to learn, until you delve into the past.

And there you have it. How cool was that?? Submissions for the August carnival will be starting soon. If you’re not a member already, get over to AMB and join up. It’s not just for Aussies, and not just for mummies. But.. erm.. being a blogger is kind of essential. OK? OK.

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{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

Lauren August 9, 2010 at 11:08 pm

Thanks, Lori!

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Be A Fun Mum August 6, 2010 at 8:12 am

Thanks Lori! Great job.

Can you, or someone tell, Katiegirl at The Life and Times of an Ordinary Girl, that I couldn't get on to her blog so that is what I didn't visit :( Just kept crashing my computer. Gone through and read and commented on the others.

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Melissa@Suger Coat It August 5, 2010 at 11:45 pm

Feeling decidedly segregated, it really is mean how you do that to me Lori. Me personally… not being a mummy and all.

However since some of my favourite blogs are here I am going to sneak a peek anyways, is that against the rules?

Ha!
:oP

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DanniiBeauty August 5, 2010 at 9:43 pm

Yay you've done a great job Lori! Loving this carnival, its a great way of getting to know others!!!!

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Michelle August 5, 2010 at 8:47 am

Gosh Fab cranival Lori. Where am I supposed to get the time to read all those posts? Mich x

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Mrs Woog August 5, 2010 at 7:49 am

UNREAL – cancel my plans today Mr Woog – I am reading! Thanks Lori

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Ali {Mummahh} August 5, 2010 at 4:48 pm

wow so many Great reads!

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Wanderlust August 5, 2010 at 1:44 am

For those of you who asked how to participate, join the Blog Carvinal group over at Aussie Mummy Bloggers. Messages are sent out to the group each month when we're taking submissions.

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Wanderlust August 5, 2010 at 1:43 am

Woot woot!!! Looking forward to reading through all these when I get off work tonight! Mostest hostess. xoxo

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Maxabella August 4, 2010 at 9:15 pm

Wow, what a line up! I've been reading for hours… sorry housework. I'm with Bronnie, I'm sad that I've missed out. Will get my act together next month.

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Bronnie Marquardt August 4, 2010 at 7:50 pm

Bugger! Why do I always miss these? Am sure I am a member …? Loved discovering some new blogs though, thanks

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nellbe August 4, 2010 at 7:23 pm

Thanks so much for hosting – I am looking forward to reading them all!

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MultipleMum August 4, 2010 at 6:54 pm

yay Lori! Another successful host job for your resume. here's cheers

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jfb57 August 4, 2010 at 6:39 pm

Crumbs! Well done for setting up all those links! So, what do you have to do to post one?

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Christie August 4, 2010 at 5:33 pm

Sorry I couldn't participate this time round, looks like an awesome round up Lori. Will get reading!

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Ebonie’s Mummy August 4, 2010 at 4:39 pm

Woop Woop, after todays negativity its nice to be able to read something positive. Cant wait to tuck the baby into bed tonight & settle in for a read : )

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Brenda August 4, 2010 at 4:00 pm

Will commence the commenting marathon in 3…2….

Thanks girlie for your super awesome hosting skillz.xxxx

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Veronica August 4, 2010 at 3:50 pm

Yay Lori! Thanks so much for putting this together. I'll be back after my kids are in bed to read through all the fantastic entries.

Reply

ash August 4, 2010 at 6:22 pm

I can't wait to get reading once I've got dinner etc all done, but just wanted to say a big thank-you for all your organising! x

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The Christmas Cloth GiveAway – RRSAHM

The Christmas Cloth GiveAway

by Lori Dwyer on November 29, 2011 · 26 comments

Those of you live in Sydney will know, it rained all last week.

I’m not even exaggerating. It rained all week, bucketing down steadily, soaking the earth, the last of the November Spring rains…. maybe the last big nourishment before a parching summer.

It rained so much that the underneath of house flooded, and i discovered what I previously thought was a ‘drain’ was actually a bucket hole cut into the concrete- the perfect size to submerge a plastic ten litre and scoop the water out. Close to 140 litres in all.

Laundry sits piled around my house in various stages of decomposition, smelly and slightly damp. It’s the weekend before I finally get around to washing, piling my Hills Hoist with as much damp cloth as it will take, let the wind whip the mustiness away.

I love the washing. Odd, I know, but it’s lovely to wash stains away, care for different fabrics and make them last as long as I can. I work actively to reduce chemical usage and waste, and I feel like I am doing something practical for the planet, tiny as it may be.

And all that is intensified, times thousands, when the load of washing is question is a load of cloth nappies (diapers, whatever). I’ve blogged quite a bit about cloth nappies before. I’m just reiterating, really.

There is no sense of smug satisfaction that compares to the smug satisfaction of pulling in a load of crisp, sun dried cloth nappies.

Forget the environmental and health benefits. It’s that awful-but-lovely smug satisfaction that keeps me going.

***

Which brings me to the really cool part of this post- the giveaway!!

You may remember I was sponsored to attend the ProBlogger Training Day by the awesome people from Rascal Rumps. You can find them here on Twitter, and also on FaceBook. They are an Aussie cloth nappy store with beautiful stock and very reasonable prices. And they have decided to let you all in on the cloth fun with a Christmas Cloth Giveaway, here at RRSAHM.

Up for grabs we have a large Fattycake AI2 made by Leah from Fluff E Stuff. The sizing is 10-18kg, and the RRP is AU$45.

And it just looks delicious.

OK, jellybeans… entry is simple and open to everyone, including those of you outside Australia- in the case of an overseas winner, full postage must be paid, to be organised with Rascal Rumps following the draw..


Simply visit the Rascal Rumps site and have a browse. Then leave a comment here, on this post, telling us which product you would choose to stuff your Xmas stocking.


Answer that most amuses or confuses our judges- Lee and Erin from Rascal Rumps– wins. Bonus points for creativity.


Entries close midnight, AEST, on Friday the 2nd of December.


Winner will be announced via FB, Twitter and this blog soon after.


The winner will be emailed by myself or Rascal Rumps soon after the draw is finalised. They have 48 hours to respond to this email, or the prize will be redrawn.


For your entry to be valid, you must leave a valid email address with your comment.


The judge’s decision is final and no discussion will be entered into.

I think that’s it. Go, browse, drool, my lovelies. Leave comments and hope Santa’s elves are very, very nice to you.

This post also marks the beginning of Xmas here at RRSAHM.

Humbug.

I’ll catch y’all tomorrow.

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{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }

palazzogurl December 2, 2011 at 11:32 pm

I wish I had some witty banter or equally as clever five verse Haiku that I just happened to whip up about the gorgeousness of the Rascal Rumps Site….. but as much as my talents run deep, my writing skills were sadly overlooked :)

So I will simply say that I would squish into my way too small Christmas stocking a ImseVimse Swim Nappy – Pink Frill because the name is sooooo cool. The nappy is devine as well of course but how awesome would it be to be asked at swimming lessons "what is that swim nappy?" "Oh what, this old thing? :) why its her "ImseVimse Swim Nappy, in Pink Frill, of course"

hahahahaahhha

staceygurl21@gmail.com

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Anonymous December 1, 2011 at 4:03 pm

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all over Rascal Rumps website
Not a nappy was available, not even a Bum Cheeks rainbow stripe
Santa had bought all the nappies, in the pre-Christmas sale
He received them on Christmas Eve, sent by express mail.
The soap nuts and Squishies were all placed into his sack
And don’t forget the Bum Cheeks and the Seedling Baby Christmas pack
The MCN lovers were tucked into bed, dreaming of new fluff
Something made by Bear Bottoms, Itti Bitti, or Fluff E Stuff.
Santa arrived in his sleigh after a speedy dash
Spreading cloth love by sharing his stash.
He filled all the stockings with bamboo, microfiber and minky
And plenty of Rockin’ Green so the nappies wouldn’t get stinky
All of his goodies are irresistible to a cloth addict like me,
But what I wish for the most is an Itti Bitti Tutto in Galaxy.

Helen Jones
helen_dekker@yahoo.com.au

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Anonymous December 1, 2011 at 1:54 am

Christmas time
HIS Son was given
Regal gift
Immaculate child
Star bright night
The wise men came
Mary & a boy King
Awake in His manger
Swaddled in a cloth bott

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Amanda November 30, 2011 at 10:39 pm

For my Christmas stocking this year,
There’s quite a few things that would bring good cheer.
I’m only very new to this cloth deal,
But I’m really loving the minky feel.
My wishes are hidden and encrypted for now,
Can you work out what would make me say wow?

Within my poem (as dodgy as it is, lol) there are clues for 7 Rascal Rumps items. :)
If Lori, Lee or Erin want to know what the clues and/or items are, I'm happy to fill you in. :P
Here goes…

I would take a soggy carrier to the local fair,
Or maybe to space, if bubbas cloth bottom was bare.
I hear there are 3 bent pandas and a striped horse
To keep my bubba’s bottom dry of course.
We saw a silly squirrel that didn’t like his dinner
They made him burp bubbles, so he got a little thinner.
I remembered to take a little geological jade,
To be sure those cloth nappies do not fade.
So, next time I go to the fair, or even to space
Cogs to cover the nudie rear must be put in place.

Thanks for the opportunity.
amanda.williamson@live.com.au

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Melhanie November 30, 2011 at 5:29 pm

We have a 2yr old in cloth and another on the way, starting out again as we are replacing our stash, we would love an assortent of things from your lovely website its too hard to choose one, and lets be realistic I will need much more than one item! so I have made you a little poem!

C -Cloth wipes from itti bitti
H -Honey Amber necklace for bub
R- Rockin green
I- Imse Vimse Black Lizard swim nappy
S- Seedling baby christmas pack
T- Tuttos in LE prints
M- Mothers essentials breast pads
A- Adult amber for me
S- Soap nuts

Yes I think this would be divine in our stocking! and we would use it all, great for now and once bub gets here we would be pretty set!

…………(¯`O´¯)
…………*./ | .*
…………..*♫*.
………, • '*♥* ' • ,
……. '*• ♫♫♫•*'
….. ' *, • '♫ ' • ,* '
….' * • ♫*♥*♫• *'
….* , • Merry' • , *'
' …* ' •♫♫*♥*♫♫ • ' * '
'' * ' •. Christmas . • ' * ' '
' ' *• ♫♫♫*♥*♫♫♫• * ' '
…………… x♥x♥x………..

melhanie_n13@yahoo.com.au

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Christie November 30, 2011 at 9:55 am

Oh how gorgeous is that nappy?!
Not entering, I just wanted to say thanks for linking up ;)
Take care hun and good luck to all the entrants!
xx

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Anonymous November 30, 2011 at 9:25 am

So, my Christmas stocking fillers – I would tell hubby I'm getting a "big squishie" and hoping he will think that this is an icy drink of some sort and maybe he'll just say can you get me one too (that means 2 nappies!!) ….then I'll also mention that "Rockin Green" is pretty good and we need them in the house and hopefully he'll nod his head in
agreement thinking its the latest music CD!

Thanks for the comp :)
Sue x
Email: suetam80@gmail.com

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Cassondra November 30, 2011 at 2:01 am

Dude, I've totally gotta get me some soap nuts! How the heck does that work?

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Anonymous November 30, 2011 at 12:17 am

oh my stars… to stuff my xmas stocking… would have to be a Big Squshie.. love love love them… well i am the proud owner of one & i need to make that a proud owner of two, then three, then four, then five & so on & so on… um hello becoming obsessed… that big squishie can squish it's way right to mumma's stocking… Merry Christmas & Happy New Year from Leonie Norris (Facebook)

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Sarah November 29, 2011 at 8:04 pm

My sister is just starting my nephew on cloth nappies now so it's all new for her & her hubby. I think I would put some dryer balls & soap nuts in my nephew's stocking to leave his daddy wondering what on earth they are!

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Anonymous November 29, 2011 at 5:48 pm

This year for Christmas I hope my hungry little Caterpillars can eat some yummy cloth nappies it would be such a treat!!
On the first day of Christmas my caterpillar would eat a Bum Cheeks VHC Nappy;
followed by a matching mother and child amber bead necklace;
a Seedling baby Christmas pack;
a Bum Cheeks VHC Spot Jeans Nappy;
a Big Squishie
and Lil’ Squishie in a rainbow of colours to fit both my boys!!
You would think by now my caterpillars may be full?!
But a Itti Bitti Luxury Daquiri Wet Bag would soon be devoured!!
followed by some Rockin Green Detergent in Mighty Mighty Marshmallow (of course);
a pack of Rainbow Brite Ulitmate Wipes would taste good too!!
A D’lish AIO;
A ImseVimse Swim Nappy;
and Bodysuit genie Extender for all that food which has been eaten!!
So as you could imagine by the 12th day of Christmas with all those delicious cloth nappy treat my hungry little caterpillars would need a big sleep!!
And then my baby boys can turn into a beautiful butterfly thanks to Rascal Rumps!!

kristylangford1986@tpg.com.au

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Shammy November 29, 2011 at 4:39 pm

Hungry caterpillar on my soon to be babies toochie would be a super cute sight! Having a cloth nappy would help me decide which nappy to buy! The makes of cloth nappies are too numerous to help me make a decision! This would go along way in navigating my way to a happy mummy and a happy cloth bottomed baby! sharynnwilliams@ hotmail dot com

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Natalie November 29, 2011 at 4:28 pm

Christmas day should be lots of fun, With a little girl who's just turned one.
Eating food and making a mess,
What she looks like, she couldn't care less!
After the big day of play,
I'll need to wash the muck away,
So my favourite stocking stuffer to help me clean up with ease,
Would be a BIG bag of Soap Nuts please!

natalie_bond85 {at} hotmail {dot} com

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Mummy cyclone November 29, 2011 at 3:26 pm

ANY of the bitti delish…especially the zeebra…as little miss cyclone is an animal!!! lol
Both my cyclones have been in cloth from day dot….first with the terry cloths (thanks Mama!!!) and now with the MCN's and I LOVE THEM!! Thanks for the comp!!!
katie.millwood4@bigpond.com

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Anonymous November 29, 2011 at 3:24 pm

OOOOOOHHHHH EEEEEEEEEK!!! I'd take any of the bitti delish…especially the zeebra one as little miss cyclone is a bit of an animal!!!!!
I've got two cyclones now…and both have been in cloth since day dot. First with the old terry squares (thanks MUM!!) and now some MCN's and I LOVE THEM!!!! Thanks for the comp!!
katie.millwood4@bigpond.com

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Hope’s Mama November 29, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Since I already have waaaaaaay too many nappies for the two little cherubs I have in cloth (a son who is two and a daughter three months) I'd have to say some Rockin' Green detergent as this stuff, well, rocks! Gree nappies, green detergent, happy babies, happy mummy.
This nappy would be great for my son this Christmas and great for my daughter the Christmas after.
Long live clothy bums :)
mamaofhope@gmail.com

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Anonymous November 29, 2011 at 2:49 pm

just a simple post, the red galaxy nappy perfect for my little boy to enjoy the magical star filled time that is christmas.

thanks for the competition

louise
taylormadecakes@hotmail.com

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Ms Kate November 29, 2011 at 12:06 pm

Oh I love washing, I agree, people think I'm odd too! http://blog.mummybrain.com/2011/11/climbing-mountain-washing-mountain.html I even wrote about it, and got some odd looks! Not my fault I'm an oddbody.

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Natalie November 29, 2011 at 11:37 am

I LOVE cloth nappies! My old school terry cloth & my modern cloth both get good work outs.
I try to get friends onto cloth (I've persuaded a few and now there cloth addicts too)
In my stocking there would be a jeans nappy, those hand dyed fluff e stuff, the itti bitti tutto, some embroidered & Some wet bags!!

Natalievega@live.com.au

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Anonymous November 29, 2011 at 11:25 am

My christmas stocking will be filled with all things bright.
Nappies for day and
nappies for night.
A Turqouise, a yellow and a red
Royal blue, green and popstar pink!
I love them all, especially in mink!
And even better than all of these is a nappy with christmas cheers
A Gingerbread House with Gingerbread men!
skeep86@hotmail.com

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Amy-Leigh Karban November 29, 2011 at 11:02 am

This Xmas I would have to take in the Booroi side snap PUL cover. The poor thing needs to go to a good home where it will be loved! =)and the colour tells me, its fate! ;)
amykarban_85@hotmail.com

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Janet NZ November 29, 2011 at 10:44 am

I've got cats, not kids – but, I too love doing the laundry, hanging it on the outside line to let the wind do its thing.
The scent of clean, sunshiny laundry makes me happy XO

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twinsmummy November 29, 2011 at 10:36 am

haha i love your honesty about the smugness! everyone is always preaching about the environmental factors (which i agree are great) but finally someone has admitted that we also do it for the self gratification.
i love all the embroidered nappies, particularly the hungry caterpillar, as my twins just love love love that story. i also like the fluff e. stuff dyes too.
the give away nappy is just gorgeous; hope i win :)nessluvsnate@hotmail.com

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Ashlee November 29, 2011 at 10:15 am

Oh where would I start? I have been using cloth for 6 months now and honestly wouldn't change it!! I'm now obsessed with looking and buying all different types! If I had the money, my stocking would definately need to be a sack! I'd like all the boy printed BCheeks! I'd really love some more wet bags, oh look, I'll just take the lot!! He he he.
Ashlee.
Smashlee33@hotmail.com

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Oldie November 29, 2011 at 9:12 am

Go the cloth Nappies!!

My now teen-girly-monster had the benefit of cloth nappies in her day.. and yep.. bringing those white as white nappies in off the line, folding them all ready for use.. well, that was one of my jobs as a new and still married dad…. something I was proud to do.

If everyone returned to using cloth nappies, landfills would take longer to fill.. and you would never find a disposable nappy at your favourite 'natural' spot, swimming hole, bush walk, etc.

Lead by example Lori!

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tattoomummy.com November 29, 2011 at 9:06 am

Ohhh!
I'mnot going to enter because it's too big for here, but just wanted to say that it is completely gorgeous!

And I definitely get the smugness of taking a load of nappies off the line ;)

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Tram-ampoline!!!! – RRSAHM

Tram-ampoline!!!!

by Lori Dwyer on July 17, 2011 · 16 comments

Vlog! Watch?


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theKatieKitten July 21, 2011 at 7:32 pm

I'm going to reach through the screen and SWITCH THAT DAMN TWITTER OFF! breathe….

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Andrea July 19, 2011 at 7:40 pm

Yay, awesome. I'm saving up for one next year. I am. I will. I want one. Woohoo, lucky you. they also make great places to lie in the sun and read a book.

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Hear Mum Roar July 19, 2011 at 2:27 pm

Congrats on the new gig:)

Also, your tramp is very similar to ours. Except our staffy tore it to shreds. Little shit.

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Crystal Cheverie July 19, 2011 at 12:16 am

Awwww, I wanna tram-ampoline… tram-popoline… tram-poopaline… You know, a bouncy thing that's fun!! Lol… You are sounding and looking just awesome and that does my little heart good. Enjoy your gig on In the Powder Room!! :-)

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MamaRobinJ July 18, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Loved seeing your face and hearing your voice. Makes me miss my Aussie friend. xo

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wjcsydney July 18, 2011 at 10:47 am

Love the trampoline but be careful of the balls,… a friend's daughter had to have a mega-knee reconstruction (including a ligament donation from her dad) after jumping on a ball on a trampoline.

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mamagrace71 July 18, 2011 at 9:49 am

Just.Love x

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Sophie July 17, 2011 at 11:44 pm

Hhmmmm maybe you need to put subtitles up for your international audience? Lol.

You look and sound great Lori. :)

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Melissa July 17, 2011 at 11:29 pm

woo-hooo!!!!

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Glowless @ Where’s My Glow July 17, 2011 at 7:25 pm

I've got that joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart now. I think it's down in my heart to stay.

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bookwormkaz July 17, 2011 at 7:16 pm

Hey Lori, I have followed your blog since the Before (but only just) and I've never commented because I'm chicken and I just have never had the words to express to you how I feel about what you have been through.

Just wanted to say that I LOVED this vlog. It's so awesome to see you smiling and having some fun.

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Shellye July 17, 2011 at 3:05 pm

Loved your vlog. How is your dermal piercing infection healing?

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Miss Pink July 17, 2011 at 10:09 am

I love Glee SFM. How good are some of their spins on songs. I especially love that one.

We were going to get the kids a trampoline last Christmas. But it didn't work out, so hopefully this Christmas. I can't wait for it!!!

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Kelloggsville July 17, 2011 at 9:31 am

happy vlog, made me smile. xxx

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happymumsathome July 17, 2011 at 8:40 am

Hi Lori…I voted for you re: powder room posse – congrats, thats uber kewl that you landed it!

one small tidbit if I may be so cheeky is that you may have to slow down your chit chat a bit if you're vlogging for a North American audience…which you will be cos you are rocking it!!
~Kirri

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Mrs Woog July 17, 2011 at 10:19 am

Mega smiling xxx

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Welcome To Paradise- the Vlog Edition. – RRSAHM

Welcome To Paradise- the Vlog Edition.

by Lori Dwyer on April 8, 2011 · 41 comments

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ow01oczAp3M?hl=en]

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nellbe April 20, 2011 at 4:14 pm

Lovely to see you smile. My Mr 20 month old was watching too and he smiled back – did you catch it? Enjoy Paradise lovely lady. xx

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Hear Mum Roar April 12, 2011 at 9:09 pm

So great to see you doing well:)

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Toots April 11, 2011 at 7:12 am

Awesomeness to see you smile sweetpea. It's amazing what 'big kid' beds can do to kid's bedtime motivation ;)

Love Sophie xxx

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Melissa April 9, 2011 at 8:39 pm

What a lovely vlog – so good to see you smile :)
I adore that post on newborns and will be sending it to every first-time mama I come across :)

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bloodsigns April 9, 2011 at 1:31 pm

You are lovely.

Lovely.

Thinking of you and yours.

XO

Pam

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Donna April 9, 2011 at 12:07 pm

Sounds like paradise is the perfect tonic – you sound and look great – hope you are also feeling that way too. Now go get stuck into that garden :-)

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Trish April 9, 2011 at 9:57 pm

So lovely to see a smile on your gorgeous face Lori. It would seem "Paradise" is the perfect place for you all to be right now.

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rin.dell April 9, 2011 at 10:53 am

Oh Lori, you are just beautiful! So great to see a smile on your face. You are amazing!!!

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me-wife-mother-you-food-everything April 9, 2011 at 8:22 pm

I love your blog have been reading since the before
And have never commented
But tonight I am because your whole vlog made me smile
All I can really say is thank you

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Marianna Annadanna April 9, 2011 at 9:58 am

You look lovely. Can't wait to see the garden. And get me a pic of those Roos! And maybe I can get you a pic of a moose or a beaver or something. (from Canada, eh?)

xo
Marianna

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Kelloggsville April 9, 2011 at 6:11 am

'ner' right back at ya. looking good girl. Great idea about the big boy bed.xx

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Jen D April 9, 2011 at 2:36 am

I'm an irresponsible reader and don't comment nearly as much as I read (sorry) so I wanted to tell you how awesome it was to see your beautiful face. Thanks for vlogging, and your new home sounds lovely.

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Steph(anie) April 9, 2011 at 1:01 am

So good to hear your voice. I do love a tin roof and a veranda. Good luck with the Chop's bed.

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Madmother April 9, 2011 at 10:15 am

Really good to "see" you. Paradise sounds perfect.

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Jennifer Kay April 8, 2011 at 10:04 pm

Thanks for the usual commentary at the end, I have missed your vlogs so much!!! It's nice to see YOU again, it felt like old times. :)

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Danielle April 8, 2011 at 10:02 pm

wow! your little paradise looks great!
Have a wonderful day doing your garden up tomorrow hun . Lucky that you are so close to the beach!
Enjoy and chop slept through your vlog as well lol…

So glad we got to meet up even if it was for like 5 mins and a quick hugs :-)
Love your sweet smile Lori xxxxxxx

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Ms Styling You April 8, 2011 at 10:00 pm

Love the idea of a verandah out the back and the front and the beach 8 mins away. The beach is 10 minute walk from me and keeps me grounded knowing the water is just there. x

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thatblogyoudo April 9, 2011 at 6:58 am

Looks lovely down there, Ps smaller is better, less to clean. love Ya Lori x ox

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Dorothy April 8, 2011 at 8:21 pm

Sounds and looks lovely. I hope Paradise is good to you and your kids. I'm looking for my own slice of paradise right now, but can't seem to find it. Now I have you as my inspiration…. I got chills down my spine watching you just then, it was like watching me, a future me…. Thank you, Lori…

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Jane April 8, 2011 at 7:04 pm

You are so unbelievably beautiful. Loving the new place. It really does sound like paradise xxx

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Kakka April 8, 2011 at 7:04 pm

Hi Lori – lovely to see you in the flesh (so to speak) again, hope Chop soon settles into his big boy bed when it arrives. It might be small, but don't we all want a small slice of paradise? xxx

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Joni Llanora April 8, 2011 at 7:04 pm

Nice to see you smiling again. Keep us updated on your gardening.

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Melissa April 8, 2011 at 6:04 pm

Great to see you again, Lori. Paradise is sounding better all the time.

(I have a sofa-sleeper as well).

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Rachel April 8, 2011 at 5:48 pm

Good to see you looking happy in Paradise gorgeous xoxox

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Sarah April 8, 2011 at 3:44 pm

You look so happy & relaxed in paradise, that's what i like to see xxx

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Jo April 8, 2011 at 3:38 pm

You look so happy. It was like we were sitting in the lounge room having a chat. Keep on vlogging. You are an amazing girl.

Jo.
xx

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Suz April 8, 2011 at 2:53 pm

sending much love Lori xx

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Wanderlust April 8, 2011 at 2:47 pm

You look gorgeous. I want to come stay in your spare room, k?

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Dazee Dreamer April 8, 2011 at 2:33 pm

Loved seeing your new place in paradise. Sounds so cool.

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Photographer Mum April 8, 2011 at 2:23 pm

Lovely to see you. Sounds like you have a nice little spot in paradise. You are looking good.
xxx

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Kimmie April 8, 2011 at 2:20 pm

Hugs
xxx

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MaidInAustralia April 8, 2011 at 2:18 pm

You are so beautiful … congratulations on moving and you look very happy and content. Thanks for sharing with us. xo

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MissPosy April 8, 2011 at 1:49 pm

You're lovely, Lori xx

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robyn April 8, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Nice to see you- you're looking good!

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Miss Pink April 8, 2011 at 1:34 pm

I love it! A 4 bedroom cottage? With a tin roof?
And i am wondering, do you have some gum tree's and plum tree's to go with your verandahs, tin roof and kangaroo's? Don't forget to get the rocking chair happening! :P

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Megan Blandford April 8, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Love it :)

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Squiggly Rainbow April 8, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Hi Lori

It was so lovely to 'meet' you! You are sweet! hehe, Paradise (is it really called that) seems oh so lovely – a gift for you! I am so glad to hear that there are little joys popping up for you and your babes.

We are in a little cottage in the hills with lots of trees, my spot of paradise!

Your post on newborn babes – wow. My youngest is now almost 6, oldest 11 – I remember those days and it was so hard. My middle had special needs – oh so hard. They seem so old now!

Love Rach x

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Being Me April 8, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Paradise sounds deeply satisfying, Lori!

That's one of my most favourite DC songs too xxx

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Rebecca April 8, 2011 at 10:38 pm

You are looking really well.
Your little cottage sounds great, I live in a little cottage too – it feels like my own paradise away from the rest of the work.

Take care- you are doing great!
Bec x

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Good Golly Miss Holly! April 8, 2011 at 5:13 pm

Love this, love Dixie Chicks, love you ♥

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Mrs Woog April 8, 2011 at 1:31 pm

Do I spy a little bit of sparkle in your eyes? Love seeing your face on my screen. Enjoy your gardening tomorrow. xx

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Waiting. – RRSAHM

Waiting.

by Lori Dwyer on February 20, 2011 · 132 comments

Blog like no one is reading…

It always going to hurt.

That’s the thing, I think, that my brain doesn’t quite get. That it’s always going to hurt.

Because I feel like I’m waiting.

I’m not sure what for.

Tony, perhaps. that’s what it feels like. Like I’m waiting for Tony to come home.

I guess I am.

I don’t want to live here, in this house, anymore.

I can’t handle it. The shattered happy ever after.

But I can’t move. Not yet, not until Something happens with the finances.

Waiting.

For it to hurt less?

For my mind to process it a bit more?

I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s too sad, and it hurts too much, and my brain plays tricks on me every time I wake up. Every time, especially here, at home. I wake up and just for a second, half a second, I’m happy.

And then I remember.

What the fuck is going on here? How was it Christmas less than two months ago?

It feels like a lifetime.

I guess it is.

If someone had told me, at Christmas, that this would happen, I would never have believed them. Never. I would have laughed.

My whole basis of life, it’s gone.

How do I do this, without Tony? He protected us. Now I’m in charge, of two tiny people. That was always something we joked about- we couldn’t have another child, it would leave us outnumbered. And now I feel outnumbered.

Capable. It’s auto-pilot- nappy change, water, food, sleep. It’s the rest of their lives I worry about.

Because this is it. Single parenting, sole parenting, in it’s essence. All by myself.

I’m terrified.

How did this happen? We had plans. Tony was my life, from the second we had our first date- that was it. We were meant to be.

It was never supposed to end like this. We had plans, a whole life mapped out. A new house, in a year or two. A holiday, this year. Our kids in the local public school. Us growing old together.

We planned to retire to a lighthouse by the coast. And live out the last of our days, together, by the ocean.

I still can’t quite believe he’s gone.

I know, of course- I’ve been living with that reality for weeks now, although it feels like years.

I keep waiting for that exquisite purple happiness to come back. So I can grieve it, maybe.

Maybe it’s less painful if it doesn’t.

This hurts, dammit. This is beyond pain, beyond rage, beyond disbelief. This is everything I ever wanted, gone.

I was so easily pleased. I had my husband, my house, my kids. The only thing to cross off my list of Stuff I Wanted To Do With My Life was learn to ride a motorbike.

And now it’s gone. I had it all, and lost it a huge chunk of it. All before I turned thirty.

The future scares the shit out of me. Day after day after day stretches out before me. Endless. Painful.

I’m missing him so much, it’s driving me insane.

The image of him, slipping the rope on his neck, then hanging, lifeless, it burns into me, hurts me, hates me, every second of the day. And there is nothing I can do to escape it.

I feel like it’s going to drive me insane. There is only so much stress the human mind can take.

And my kids… I can barely speak about them. Especially my son. His pain, and mine, they reverberate against each other. I dread putting him to bed, as much as I love it. Because there is always a conversation about daddy, especially now that we send rainbows, from our heart to his in Heaven. Chop is so confused, hurting so much. Missing his best mate desperately.

And he checks with me, every time “Daddy’s in Heaven, up with the stars, Mummy? And he can’t come back?”

And I reply that no, he can’t, and we all miss him very much.

Just tonight, my little man continued to talk, sharing memories of his time with daddy that I can’t even recall now, it hurts too much. And he looked at me and said “No, Mummy!! Just talk to me, don’t be sad!!”.

And I realised I had tears rolling down my cheeks.

We’re lost without him. All three of us. The big kahuna, the protective, guiding, strong force in our lives is gone.

My children are without a father.

Forever.

I am raising two little people by myself, for the rest of my life. I never planned to do this by myself. I need Tony, who calmed me, who picked up the slack and smoothed out the stress.

What am I going to do? I know, it’s one day at a time, one foot in front of another, and time is the only thing that will heal it.

But it’s just so hard to keep going. When every day is so, so long, and it hurts so much. And the little things that made up our lives have just vanished.

No more beers with neighbours out in the street. No more beers in general. No more roast dinners, no more ironing his shirts at night. No more curling up on the lounge and watching movies together. No more weekend trips with the kids to the markets, to the beach, just out for a drive.

How could he do this? How could he just go and leave all this? We were so happy, fuck it. That what makes it worse. Just four days Before this happened, we were talking about how happy we were, how lucky we were, how good life was. We had our house, our cars, our pigeon pair of gorgeous children, our dog. A stable, suburban, happy family life. That was all either of us ever really wanted.

Why did he leave me? How could he do this? What am I going to do, without him?

The rest of my life. The rest of my kid’s lives. Without the man who was our rudder, our rock, our strength.

I’m terrified. Exhausted. And desperately lonely without my soul mate, without the company of a man. I miss having adult conversation. I miss having someone to nurture and take care who actually appreciates it. I miss cooking for him. I miss him teasing me.

I miss hearing him make our children laugh.

I thought it would be better, by now… I thought I’d be starting to feel better, glimpse some kind of light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m even sure what I’m searching for, what the light at the end of the tunnel should look like. Is it someone else who’ll love me, tell me I’m beautiful and take care of me? To wake up and not think everything is OK, for that one horrid second?

Or just to have a few hours a day where I feel normal, where I’m not just killing time, killing minutes, slaying seconds..?

I don’t know. I feel like I need a miracle.

Something, anything, to take the pressure off. To make me feel just that little bit better. Just for a moment.

Please.

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{ 132 comments… read them below or add one }

Anonymous March 18, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Lori – I saw someone mention that you are in Perth. If so, you may wish to check out the Buddhist centre in Nollamara – visit http://www.bswa.org.au for details.

I'm not Buddhist, but I go there often, and it is a welcoming place with welcoming people, and a very funny abbot. It has helped me through some dark times. :)

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Kath May 9, 2011 at 10:48 am

Lori I only discovered your blog today from the article about the top 50 blogs of the year. My heart goes out to you & your babies. I haven't stopped reading & i'm sitting here typing this with tears running down my cheeks. I can't begin to imagine what 2011 has been like for you. To all the haters, fuck them! Surround yourself with love

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salwa March 6, 2011 at 3:15 pm

I have no words to offer, just the tears in my eyes that I won't let fall, and the aching lump in my throat…these and the desire to make you aware that there is yet another person whom you don't know who wishes she could take away your pain. Nobody deserves this.

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Alice March 1, 2011 at 3:20 pm

Don't be heart broken;It's very difficult situation for you but soon everything will be okay.Bow to gods will and have patience.

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Anonymous February 24, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Lori – I want to say 2 things I think are really important (coming from my own point of view – which is all I can offer):

1. Living with someone with depression is hard, damn hard; but you ARE NOT responsible for their disease or the ultimate consequence of when the disease took over Tony. Yes I am responsible for the hurtful things I retaliate with because my husband, the person I love desperately and who is supposed to love me, is in so much pain he can only think of himself. Yes I admit with perfect hindsight I could respond better when he is in a dark place, but most times I am coming from my own hurt. The thing I have learnt is that he feels better when he makes me feel worse, I can forgive it as it is not who he is, but the disease. If I wasn't emotionally invested I wouldn't say the things I say, but if he wasn't unwell he wouldn't say the things he says. Many of my friends tell me to leave – they hate seeing him put me down, but I am learning that is his only coping mechanism, I am finding mine and whilst I still love him and choose to be with him, I will continue to make my own mistakes. BUT I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS ACTIONS and YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR LOVED ONES ACTIONS.

2. Mothers who are self aware raise beautiful, emotionally healthy, balanced and functioning members of society – no matter what tragedies lie in their past. You are a brilliant mother, allowing yourself to feel and grieve and react and reach out and not internalise everything. Do not let anyone tell you any differently – like they say in the in-flight safety talk, put on your own oxygen mask first, then you will be able to do that for your babies. There is no time frame, there is no right or wrong, but there should be a medal for you forging your way back from the darkness. I celebrate just how strong you are, your children are blessed to have you as their mother, do not doubt yourself there. Your love is abundantly evident – that is what matters: your love and the fact that you are so self aware is a gift to them.

Actually – can I add a 3rd thing: some people want to help you, some people want you to help them. You have already done enough trying to help Tony – for those that are so consumed with their own grief (or demons), let them drain someone else. Surround yourself with the ones who want to help you and do your best to switch off those that allow the black dog to manifest in you. You don't need ANYONE in your life who makes you feel worse – now or ever.

(although I have normally signed my comments, I hope you don't mind that I make this one anon, my hubby is not in a good place at the moment and this wouldn't help him)

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Anonymous February 24, 2011 at 12:42 pm

Hello Miss Lori
I have 3 grown kids. Two sons and a daughter. Life had me raising these kiddos on my own. They have been my savior and my joy. The other day as my daughter in law presented me with another pic of me and the grandson, my big kid said Ma, It looks like you have done that, being hand in hand with a toddler a thousand times looking at that picture. You look like the perfect Mom. The kids were always going to be your joy. Every day, when they sleep or play with each other, when they do something new or something goofy you will see your miracle Miss Lori. It is already here and for this there is no waiting. Joy is yours when you are ready and you will feel it when it is time. Kiss those babies! Love and Peace to you from a Ma who did it all and got it all in return!

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bigwords is… February 23, 2011 at 9:46 pm

I wish I could reach right through the computer and hold you x

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Be A Fun Mum February 23, 2011 at 9:40 pm

Lori, I'm here just to send some love. Not that it helps but you're not far from my thoughts. Know that. xx

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Alioops February 23, 2011 at 3:11 pm

Honey I just want to say that as much as everyone thinks you should be doing xyz, them pushing you is going to do the opposite. Freud is different for everyone, and in time the new "normal" will come. Tony will always have a huge place in your heart, and posting your daily life will help you to a) remember and b) find yourself. Just keep doing the essentials Hun, everything else will be there still when you are ready.

Much love Alioops (BB)

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Anonymous February 23, 2011 at 1:08 pm

I started reading your blog just a little bit Before.

From what I can see from here you & Tony had a complex relationship. So do a lot of couples.(We do). OK, you were no angel, but neither was he. Neither am I. None of us are. We're human.

What is clear from here is that you loved each other & wanted to be together.

My wife & I have had rows, sometimes vicious. Afterwards I often feel like shit, & yes, even suicidal. But guess what: I'm still here.

I don't care what you or he did or didn't do, no one does what he did just 'cos they're unhappy with their wife!

I saw his comment on your blog a few days Before. Just a bloke sharing some light-hearted banter with his wife. 4 days Before, as you said, he was talking about how happy you were together.

A man who's been driven to suicide by his wife doesn't behave like that!

Did you want this? Did you plan this? Of course not!!

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

You're surviving & have already taken a massive first step: reconnecting with your children.

I'm sure it doesn't feel that way, & all you feel is pain,. Of course you do. The hurt will always be there. But I'm sure it will get better, over time.

You're here, you're surviving, you're doing wehat you can. that's all you can do for now. Keep doing it.

Hang in there! x

Love,

A bloke

(PS: I've read all your posts & have commented on most of them. I'm anonymous now because of the personal nature of this comment, & as it doesn't just involve me).

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Renee February 23, 2011 at 11:11 am

Been thinking about you since I woke up this morning. Praying for you, that today is bearable. I'm cheering you on today. xoxoxoxox

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Anonymous February 23, 2011 at 8:18 am

Lori my heart breaks and my tears fall for you and your kids. No one should have to through the hurt, the pain, the suffering that this has caused. Sending you a big hug

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l-tek-4 February 23, 2011 at 5:11 am

I check in with you every day, Lori. And the thing I most in regards to the Blood post is this:

Don't let Their Lies become Your Truth.

Deep down, I have to believe that you know that Tony saying those horrible things were lies, part of his mental illness. And even people who blame you now for his death, I am hoping you can see it's a lie. To make you uncomfortable. To shut you up. To make you smaller.

I want the "Fuck you" Lori back. I know she's in there. It tears me up that right now you feel diminished and alone.

It's hard for me to put into words, but I feel like you're this lovely, sun-warmed rock of a person – who, in her good times, in the Before, always knew that. Now I feel like with the After, there are people telling you to lie down, stick your head in the sand; eroded until you're pulled out to sea.

It bothers me how deserted you've been. Cast aside with unfair accusations and threats to your children and to who you really are – that some would have preferred a pretty lie to the ugly truth of what happened to your purple life.

In Revolutionary Road there is a line that goes:

"Tell me the truth. Remember that? We used to live by it. And you know what's so good about the truth? Everyone knows what it is however long they've lived without it. No one forgets the truth, they just get better at lying."

Your Blog. Your Truth. Your Reality.

We're right here for you, Lori.

Tara

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Heather February 23, 2011 at 2:34 am

You can do this. You can raise your children. You will be able to move on eventually, when you are ready. You have already proven how strong you are in the past few weeks. You will make it through this. We are all here supporting you and hoping the best for you. People you don't know, people that you will probably never meet. We all have confidence in you. We all are hoping and praying for the best for you and your family. YOU CAN DO THIS LORI!!!!

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Glowless @ Where’s My Glow February 23, 2011 at 12:46 am

Blog like no one is reading – I like that :)
xxx

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Carly Findlay February 22, 2011 at 11:52 pm

Sending you love and thoughts Lori. Hope you are doing ok x

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marketingtomilk February 22, 2011 at 10:57 pm

The miracle is time.
what a frickin' cliche, and i know it doesn't help you now, but it's the truth.
you are waiting, but it won't happen suddenly. one foot lori, one foot

M2Mx

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meeks February 22, 2011 at 10:11 pm

Hi Lori,

Big hugs to you.
We had an earthquake in Christchurch today, and it reminded me of a comment from a Mother her lost her 4 year old son tragically. She said that after the last Christchurch earthquake in Septemeber, she felt like, for the first time, the world reflected how she was feeling.
Thinking of you tonight.

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Anonymous February 22, 2011 at 9:57 pm

Sending hugs, hoping that you find strength in all the people who support you here.

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Blue Is Bleu February 22, 2011 at 6:40 pm

You lost your Tony a few days before I lost a loved one. I've been reading your blog since, sharing your grief. Admittedly, my life wasn't as shattered by my loss as yours has been by yours, but grief is grief, and no one warns you of the pain it brings. My thoughts are always with you, and I pray one fine day your grief starts to hurt less.

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Anonymous February 22, 2011 at 5:38 pm

Mary sent me over, and I've just spent a long time reading your posts of the past several months.
There is no "right way" to grieve. I pray that your raw pain is soothed a little bit more each day.
Your openness helps me understand what a friend went through (years before I met her) when her husband took his own life. Over the past 10 years she has created a safe family life for her 2 children. It's been tough, but like you, she kept at it. Please hang onto hope.

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Rachael Acklin February 22, 2011 at 4:55 pm

Lori, my heart is with you. You are not alone.

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Laura Weight February 23, 2011 at 1:52 am

I just wanted to send you a massive warm hug, thinking of you xx

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Anonymous February 22, 2011 at 11:22 am

I've never lost a spouse but I have lost a parent when I was a child, and what I've learned from the grieving process is that it never ends, it just evolves. Sometimes it's hard and awful and sometimes it gives you strength and appreciation for life. Take your time, do what you need to do, find support. I'm in awe of your strength and your courage!
I also second what your son said… Keep talking about Tony. You have to be your kids' memory in the years to come. It's so hard, but make it a daily habit. My dad couldn't do it, he buckled under the grief and we all stopped talking about my mom. We lost so many memories and now she's just a fuzzy if lovely cloud in my mind.

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Lillian2611 February 22, 2011 at 10:44 am

You are in disbelief. You are empty and you are on fire.

Your world has changed in a way you couldn't have fathomed before. You've lost the person who helped you define yourself and your life. You went to Tony with everything and that made life real. Now you've got nowhere to take your stuff – at a time you really need to talk to someone.

You can be ok. The kids will be ok. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. It's ok if it takes more than a day to take one step.

In the meantime, it's definitely ok to resent the hell out of the fact that the world is still turning.

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Cheryl Gerbera February 22, 2011 at 10:42 am

Hi, I only come across your blog.. I just want let you know that my heart (as well as the other 82 bloggers) are with you.. It's heartbreaking for anyone to see you in such a pain. I can only hope that time will heal, and that you can take comfort in those who care about you through this process.
Hope strength be with you always. **Hugs and Prayers**

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Being Me February 22, 2011 at 10:08 am

Sending a rainbow to you, Lovely, from my heart to yours and your dear sweet kids. I hope with everything I have in me that you are given the briefest moments of respite from this soon. Huge hug to you, Lori.

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Cate February 22, 2011 at 9:51 am

Thinking of you Lori and sending you love.

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Kristina Hughes February 22, 2011 at 7:18 am

Oh Lori. I can't begin to imagaine. One second, one minute at a time…. I reckon there's a silver lining out there somewhere. I just hope it comes soon for you xxxx

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Anonymous February 22, 2011 at 6:29 am

Thank you for letting us come back and comment. I am well aware that nothing that I write here can really help you, but I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and that I hope so badly that some day you get your miracle.

Sending you lots of love.

Fine

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Janet NZ February 22, 2011 at 6:18 am

We're still here Lori, still struggling to find any words that will help, but we're still here, thinking of you, hoping for you. Do what the Bloggess says – send the arseholes to her – she'll sort them out.

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K February 22, 2011 at 5:35 am

I have just recently started reading your blog, and I have to commend you on being honest and open about your feelings, about what happened.

My heart aches for you, when I've read some of your posts about how people expect you to be back to normal, better almost after just a handful of weeks. I am by no means an expert and I by no means understand what you are going through. However, I can understand what you mean when you say that the world expects you to get on with life, to get over it in just a short period of time. Because by no means is there a time-line for grief nor should there be. We all handle/process/deal with things differently. I know the future is scary, sometimes we need to take the day one second at a time. Maybe that will help, make it through the second, the half an hour, the hour, the 2 hours. Celebrate in those victories, because understandably the future is scary.

Under all the hurt, the pain I see a strong woman. I see a woman who's fighting to survive when something horrific has happened to her and her children. All I can say is that I see that strong woman in you and I applaud you for doing everything you can to pick up the pieces. It will be ok, you will be ok.

*Hugs* K

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lori February 22, 2011 at 4:53 am

Oh Lori, I just ache for you and your kids. I want to tell you that it will get easier, but what do I know? I haven't been through anything like what you're going through. But other commenters have and I hope their words that come from the same place where you are (or close to it) help you and give you hope that, in time, things will get better.
I wish I had something more insightful to say. Just know that you're loved and thought of by people around the globe and you're in our prayers and thoughts.

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Barbara February 22, 2011 at 4:26 am

I am glad that you turned comments back on. I have absolutely nothing helpful to say but I'm glad that you're still writing and I hope it helps in some small way. I hope that knowing there are lots of us who read you and care for you and are hurting for you helps a little too.

xxx

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Anonymous February 22, 2011 at 3:34 am

Dear Lori
We're all here for you, surrounding you and your little one with love, coming to you from here, there and everywhere.
One foot in front of the other, one day at a time.
God bless
Stella

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jbakstudios February 22, 2011 at 3:21 am

I don't have anything substantial to add to the comments, I just wanted to leave a **hug**

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Anonymous February 22, 2011 at 1:56 am

Lori,
is there anyway you can move? not right now, but maybe in a year or so? i know almost what you mean about what he said to his friends and family about you. you're not fucked up. you're human. so is everyone. including his friends and family that blame you. you need to get away from these people before you start to really believe this. it is not true. don't forget who you are. you're gonna pull through this. get away from those assholes.
love from philadelphia.

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Georgia February 22, 2011 at 1:41 am

Just stopping by to leave you some love Lori.

Tony taking his life was not your fault. It was his mental illness.

Out of all the people in the world, Tony chose you to be his life partner, to be the mother of his babies.

Mental illness is a nasty beast, as you know. It was mental illness that was the reason for Tony leaving. Not you. Never you.

This was not your fault.

Post like nobody is reading. Let it out. And know that we care.

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Tania February 21, 2011 at 11:45 pm

Love you Lori

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robyn February 21, 2011 at 11:40 pm

The way you are writing is so…. honest. It's just so brilliant. Words can't describe it. Thank you for being brave enough to keep on writing. It is helping people more than you know. I am praying so much for you Lori. I really do believe that God can heal this.

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Helena February 21, 2011 at 10:08 pm

i'm so very proud of you. Healing takes time and there is no order, time limit or protocal for the stages of grief. We're all just so glad that you're still writing, still breathing and able to accept our love once again.

that was a beautiful post

i'd like to say to anonymous, that was very brave of you, apologising like that. I'm not sure if Lori has or will forgive you, but we all say things we regret when we're in pain, just look what Tony said to Lori. I hope you guys can support eachother, God knows you both need it at such an awful time.

much love to you and your little family, keep on keeping on, we're all behind you to catch you if you fall. xox

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vickie February 22, 2011 at 8:38 am

Andy and Tony are watching us:) It does get better and the one second in the moment you wake does get to two seconds and then minutes and eventually it is now a few hours for me. Suicide is horrible especially when you love them so much and you are with them minutes before and it all seems so unreal…..Be how ever you want to be. The pain does pass to a lesser pain. Funny it has been 20 months since Andy killed himself and the other day I just howled. You are right to blog, talk, be by yourself, whatever is needed. Thinking of you from the other side of the world.
KangaUK Vickie

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Anonymous February 21, 2011 at 9:04 pm

Lori

We recently lost a friend in very tragic circumstances. I just wanted to share a poem that my daughter (aged 10) wrote a few days after.

 
Sadness,
 
Is a curse,
 
My heart,
 
Is an ocean,
 
Made of tears,
 
That have been shed,
 
From the curse,
 
Of the sadness,
 
Sucking the beauty out of life,
 
So all you can see is the bad,
 
And the sadness,
 
Becomes the normal,
 
And the happiness,
 
You once had,
 
Becomes a reverie,
 
But then,
 
The light shines,
 
And slowly,
 
Love returns.

Thinking of you. Hope your light shines soon.

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Brenda February 21, 2011 at 8:40 pm

I wanted to say something that would somehow ease your pain. But I can't seem to find the right words. All I have is my love and hope that you'll find the light.xxxxx

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Hope’s Mama February 21, 2011 at 8:16 pm

It is the "rest of my life" thing that still gets me too. Still here, still reading, still supporting you 100 per cent.
xo

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River February 21, 2011 at 7:09 pm

Lori, just look at all the love up there ^ for you. There isn't much more I can add.
I do know the light at the end of the tunnel isn't something you work towards, it's something that you realise you've passed when the day comes that you haven't thought of Tony and cried every single waking moment. When you've laughed at something funny your kids have done, instead of thinking I wish Tony had been here to see that. of course you'll think it, but the laugh will come first. There will be moments of joy. Not tomorrow, not next week, but these things will happen.
{{{{hugs}}}}

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Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo February 21, 2011 at 5:28 pm

There will be ups and downs. Times where you cannot breathe for the enormity of it all, and then all of a sudden you can't breathe because you forgot. Just for a minute.
And then it will be an hour.
Or even a few.
There will be days where you are right back at day one again, and then others where you feel almost normal.
Life will never be what it was, but you will adjust to a new kind of normal.
Trust me on that.

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Lisa Walton February 21, 2011 at 3:34 pm

Just wanted to leave you hugs and prayers.

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deardarl February 21, 2011 at 3:10 pm

I know I know I know I know.
That screaming in your head…. I hear it too.
That *forever* that stretches out in front of you.
The sudden single parenting.
All I can say is that recently (11months out) I've had moments of clarity, seconds of grace, glimpses of acceptance … usually followed by the walloping sadness, the knowing, the fear of the future.
A future that I have to be in for my kids.

But as bad as it is, I'm doing my own version of this hell alongside you. and sometimes that helps.

Hugs.

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Anonymous February 21, 2011 at 2:29 pm

Love you lori, keep holding on baby girl x x x

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Rebecca February 21, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Just want to give you hugs. There has been some lovely words and I cant had anything more.

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Jules February 21, 2011 at 2:10 pm

Lori,
I have not commented before today as so many others have given you such wonderful advice. I just want to say, I know you feel like all your plans for the future are now gone and life as you used to know it is forever changed, but what you have now is a new future to write for you and your children, a new dream to follow. It is ok to mourn not just the loss of your husband but the loss of your hopes and dreams for the future. Once the fog clears and the light comes back into your life (and it will) you can start to lay down your new hopes and dreams for the future. You can start new routines and occasions for you and your children. Letting go of what you thought your future was going to be is the hardest part but once you do, you will see your life open before you with limitless possibilities. Just remember that no matter which way your life goes and which dreams you choose to follow, Tony will be there with you, he will not be alongside you but he will be inside you and your children’s hearts. You can do this and you will do this. Your new dreams are just waiting for you to discover them. xxoo

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KerryMorgan February 21, 2011 at 2:00 pm

if I could for one single moment take the pain from your heart I would. I just started reading your blog and think of you often in my day. My own heart aches when I read your feelings. Keep feeling. Keep hoping, keep screaming in pain. Just keep being you.
Much love to you and your people!
lotsa luv from Seattle, WA.
Kerry

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Jodi Gibson February 21, 2011 at 1:57 pm

Your pain is agonising Lori. Even though I don't know you, I admire your courage and wish I could make things okay. I don't know what else to say but wanted to say something.

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Clarinda February 21, 2011 at 1:34 pm

This tunnel is now pemanent, but you can brighten it yourself, as you heal. You will brigten the tunnel with life and love as your heart repairs, you will still have the scars, and it will take time, your time and agenda, not anyone elses.

There will be light again, nd it will come from you when you are ready.

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bloodsigns February 21, 2011 at 1:22 pm

I am here Lori, listening and thinking of you and your children, holding you in my heart. The joy will find its way to you and I believe Tony is watching out for you, the little ones. I had a therapist when I was 16 and in so much pain tell me that I had a guardian… cynical me, I scoffed then but believe it now. My father's spirit only left me when he knew joy had found me.

love to you,

pam

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Jenny, the Bloggess February 21, 2011 at 1:09 pm

You have to give yourself permission to feel. To laugh without guilt, to hide when you need to and to take however long you need to heal.

Find your new life. One for you and for your children. And if anyone gives you a hard time about your personal way of dealing with this grief you send them to me.

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bekkles February 21, 2011 at 1:05 pm

The discussions you have with your beautiful boy at bedtime are heart breakingly beautiful. You are a strong, beautiful Mum to have those conversations with him and allow him to try and understand when you are sufferring such unimaginable pain.
Much love to you Lori, I admire your grace and courage under fire and wish those who are unnecessarily adding to the hell you are living could take a breath and lay the fuck off.

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Roseanne February 21, 2011 at 12:48 pm

You're an amazing mum Lori. I know you don't want to have to be amazing. You just want your life and future back. But all the same, you're doing damn well. I hope you get your miracle. Anything, something to help heal a bit of the hurt. You don't deserve this pain. No one does. I don't have the right words, but wanted to let you know you still have people who care and support you even if we can't be much physical help or change things. Thinking of you and sending you love. xx

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Kimberly February 21, 2011 at 12:20 pm

No words my friend. Just lots of love and lots of prayers. Know we are all here to support you. Lean on us. You're never alone. XoXo

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thepixiechick February 21, 2011 at 12:14 pm

I wish there was something I could say or do to take this all away. I wish it was a nightmare, and you could just wake up, tell Tony about it, and laugh a rueful laugh, and forget it.
There is only one way to do this Lori – your way. Whatever that may be. You're doing amazingly so far. Of course it doesn't feel that way, but I can see it in what you write. As for anyone who tries to tell you different, get rid of them. They don't deserve to be part of your life anymore. I have been very worried about you and so, so angry at the vicious 'anonymous' people in your life. I've only just managed to comment without more swear words than not.
I'm hoping that something gives a little relief soon, if only for a while.
Thinking of you always… love xoxoxox

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Jess February 21, 2011 at 12:13 pm

I am so sorry for all this waiting you have to do. You will find your way out when it is the right time for you. I don't know if it will come on all at once or slowly over time but however you manage to "come back" will be right for you and your family. You are doing this as best as you can….you are doing this right for you. You are in my thoughts.

Jess

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Katy February 21, 2011 at 12:01 pm

Hi Lori,

I only started reading your blog in "the after". I haven't been brave enough to comment until now. I didn't feel like I had a right to.

I lost two of my friends to suicide at different points in my life. Both were totally senseless and incomprehensible.

I never stop thinking about them.

I don't have the right words. I don't have any grand bits of advice that will fix things. But I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you. I am worried that your loss is swallowing you whole, taking everything out of you. It scared me that you turned the comments off. But I think I understand why you did.

And now that they are on again, I wanted to offer my support. I want you to be ok. I know that's a stupid thing to say, but I do.

Katy xx

Please email me if you want to: sisyphianrainbow@hotmail.com

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x0xJ February 21, 2011 at 11:25 am

:(
All i know is the pain doesn't stop, but you just get used to the weight of it, eventually. You will always carry the pain around, but eventually it will sit in your backapck instead of your lap and you will have moments where you can push it out of your mind for a bit.

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CheezelMonster from BB February 21, 2011 at 11:20 am

Just leaving some love xxx

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Colleen February 21, 2011 at 11:14 am

Oh matey I wish there was something I could do to help you, but yep, I too live too far away. I know what you mean about not being able to go on without your "rock",,,,I am always so scared about something happpening to my Hubby, he is away for work right now and I sit here terrified that something horrible will happen. Its crazy but thats how it is. I know when he is away the days drag on forever, it is horrible.

No one ever plans to be a single parent when they have children, but sadly it happens way too often. I have no advice to give, only words of encouragement which don't do jack shit, I know.

I feel for you immensely, I log on every day to see if you have made any new posts, to make sure you are okay. I wish there was something I could say or do to help, even a little, but for now please know that we are thinking of you all the time.

Hugs to you and your children
Colleen

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Valerie February 21, 2011 at 10:56 am

Sending much love and peace from Ohio, USA. Please know you are loved and wished nothing more than health, peace, and a beautiful life with those you love and who love you back… I too wish I could be there for you personally. You have touched so many hearts and will continue to do so every day– You have a permanent place in mine.
Much love,
Val in Ohio

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Anonymous February 21, 2011 at 10:24 am

I came across this Lori, a beautiful poem that brings tears to my eyes. Tears as I relate it to the man I love, and tears as I think of your sorrows:

You can shed tears that he has gone
or you can smile because he has lived
You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back
or you can open your eyes and see all that he's left
Your heart can be empty because you can't see him
or you can be full of the love you shared
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday
You can remember him and only that he's gone
or you can cherish his memory and let it live on
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
or you can do what he'd want
Smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

Unsure who wrote it, but it's a beautiful reminder to let his memory live. Hugs to you Lori xx

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ezymay February 21, 2011 at 9:24 pm

Love you my darling

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Lyn February 21, 2011 at 9:58 am

Being suddenly on your own caring for very young children is terrifying. It happened to me with my 16 month old when my partner walked out very suddenly. I spent most of the time beating myself up for being such a terrible, emotional, overwrought mother who couldn't keep it together in front of her son. After a long time I realised that just being there for him, even if I wasn't in a perfect state, was enough, and that as awful as it was for him to have to experience this he was learning that mummies get really sad sometimes too and struggle and don't always get it right. But he was loved, and over the last 18 months has thrived and is growing into a beautiful young boy.

Loneliness is something you can't prepare for not when you've lost your best friend. You realise that they were the only ones you talked to about certain stuff especially to do with the kids. And suddenly you don't get to talk to anyone about the stuf fon your mind anymore.

All you can do is move gently through each day. Be very kind to yourself, and take whatever little bit of time or space you ever get to look after yourself. I joked I was going to work on 'project me'. Read things that inspire you, only listen to music that uplifts you, try to look at one beautiful thing every day. Socialise when you can, because you have to nurture this aspect of your life – a little time away from the kids. A time to escape for a bit.

The person who'll be waiting for you at the other end of the tunnel? Well, it will be you, Lori. Because there will be no end, there just will be now, and now will get brighter, slowly but surely. It may get bright then dark again, but it will be better. It is all about adjustment, and it is all just very very very hard.

Have faith in yourself – have faith in the process. You will get through this.
x

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bgirl February 21, 2011 at 9:55 am

Oh Lori!! THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! Tony was sick. In his last few months that illness took over. The demons he carried with him are responsible for this, not you. I'm sure if Tony were able, he'd tell you that you could not have loved him better, that no one could have loved him better. That those people blaming you are just idiots who are angry at him for leaving and are taking it out on the easiest target – you. That all of these what-ifs are just going to eat you up inside.
Please, Lori. You need to give yourself time and permission the heal. You can't hold your children above water when you are drowning yourself. I know this us not the life you planned. But you will manage to make a new life. For you and your children. And there will be joy. But it will take time. We are here every day for you. Big hugs. B xox

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bgirl February 21, 2011 at 9:40 am

Oh Lori! I know many others will agree that THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You cannot be responsible for Tony's actions. He was unwell, and was blinded by his illness. It was those demons that took him away, not you. You could spend the rest of your life playing what-ifs, but the only thing it is going to do is cause you pain. I'm sure if Tony could, he would tell you that you loved him the best you could, that no one could have loved him better, and that all the love in the world couldn't keep those demons away.
You need to heal in your own time Lori. All of those that are pushing you to resume normal life need to piss off. Can't they see that if you are drowning, you can't also hold your children up above water? Its true that your life will be different than you planned, but you will find joy again. But in your own time. Please don't let anyone stop you from being you, for getting this all out there. And know that we are all here, holding your hand. And we don't blame you. B xox

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Kobi February 21, 2011 at 9:36 am

Lori much love to you right now, please be gentle with yourself

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Victoria Masterman February 21, 2011 at 9:35 am

Just tears, love and big warm hugs today Lori xxoo

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Saja February 21, 2011 at 8:25 pm

I forgot to write the most important thing!

My friends Mum, the one who's hubby killed himself. She was the one that we all wanted to be around. She seemed to have much more insight about things and a better attitude. She was obviously interested in our state of mind and our life dreams, not just our grades or who our boyfriends were. Also her son turned into a fabulous man. I'm not trying to show you a 'silver lining', but hopefully this might help you see that you can do this, and you can be awesome just being you.

I hope that makes sense.

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Saja February 21, 2011 at 8:13 pm

I wonder if people do blame you or if it just seems that way because many people feel deeply uncomfortable around someone bereaved and tend to back off. It's easy for people to deal with your children because… well, they are kids, but adults are difficult.
One of my friends dad's suicided when he was seven and it was, like yours, completely out of the blue. My friends mum told me that she coped by never really adjusting and never locking him into the past. She just did it her way, at first speaking to him out loud a lot, telling him how pissed off she was, but later forgiving him for doing such a crap thing in an impulsive moment. She would say things like 'what a great party, I bet X regrets killing himself now' (quite a conversation stopper, I might say).

I'm sure Tony didn't think too hard about the hurt he would cause you. He was caught up in his feeling at that moment and couldn't see past it, at that moment. It's not your fault. He could have told you what he was struggling with. Are you supposed to be psychic as well as running a household and looking after two little kids?

Everything you are experiencing is normal for you. There is no 'typical' way to react to such a thing. Just do what you need to, do it your way, whatever that may be.

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Kelley Simpson February 21, 2011 at 9:04 am

I wish I lived down the street from you so I could visit with you and tell you you'll be ok. I'm frustrated that I can only leave you a quippy little comment in this square.
Pain like this will not be gone in two months. If anyone tells you this, they don't need to be around you right now. You need to be allowed to go through every inch of this at your own pace. Every minute brings you closer to healing and sometimes those minutes feel like days. Just breath through each minute and be glad when you've made it to the other side of each day.
It's important to have the "knowledge" that this was not your fault but I also think it's part of the process to feel the feeling it was. It goes along with all the other feelings. Truth comes later but for now it has to be ok to flounder around in what is feeling and not what is truth.
The most important thing I heard during one of my darkest hours was that it is ok to feel all these things and that I was allowed to fall apart. I was told my process was probably going to take about 3 to 5 years to feel better. Somehow that gave me permission to slow down in my heart and travel through it rather than try to get over it. I never lost a person but I'm smart enough to understand that loss is part of who you are now, like a new arm or leg attached to you forever. It will be different every day and you WILL learn to use it and live fully with it but for now you have to suffer through it's addition and it's terrible.
This will be a roller coaster, from good to bad to good again, and just when it feels really good you are reminded how bad it is.
If you felt fine right now, I would be really worried. What happened to your life is not normal and there is no reason you should feel "normal" or fine about it. The sun will rise and set again, just stay in the game and ride out each setting. It will get better when it's time.
You will be in my heart each day. I remember days when the only reason I had to live was because I had my daughters to take care of, thank God for those girls. Hold tight to them.
I hope what I said is ok.

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Anonymous February 21, 2011 at 8:45 am

Lori, I am sorry for my hostility in my recent comment. I guess I couldn't look past my own grief to see yours & why you are doing certain things. Your hurt is nothing like mine he was only a friend to me. I'm sorry for causing you any pain when your already so clearly in so much of it. Please accept my regrets. I wasn't thinking of how my post would effect you & maybe deep down I wanted it to hurt you a little, but I dont think you could possibly hurt anymore. How horrible of me. I am very sorry.

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Now a Mum February 21, 2011 at 7:38 pm

Please believe us when we say Tony's death was NOT YOUR FAULT. If you can't believe those words when you say them to yourself, please try to believe it when others say it.

IN NO WAY WAS THIS YOUR FAULT.

Try to be kind to yourself. I think it's the most important thing you can do right now.

Thiking of you. xxxx

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Linda February 21, 2011 at 8:16 am

Would some time away from home help?

Keep talking Lori. There are lots of us out here still listening.

xxx

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Melissa February 21, 2011 at 8:11 am

I don't know that there's a 'miracle'. I don't know that there's any way through this but to trudge through it like mud.

I don't know that I possibly could. For the reasons that you have said – they are EXACTLY how I imagine I'd feel. The rest of forever, without the boys father. The rest of forever where they aren't the people they were supposed to be as they grew up.

I don't know how you're doing it, Lori. I've been reading your posts and the comments, and I dont' know how you're doing it.

I don't know how 6 weeks in, this could possibly feel any different than the end of the world. Apocalyptic. You've survived the worst kind of trauma.

For now I guess, it's the best there is – survival. God I wish it weren't so. I wish so desperately for you that it weren't so.

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Bec @ Bad Mummy February 21, 2011 at 8:09 am

I don't know what to say. I've read your last few posts and am just at a complete loss. I can't understand how people could do that, I realize that they're hurting but does lashing out at someone Tony loved actually make them feel better? Does it make them feel proud?

Regardless of whether or not you're to blame (which I sincerely doubt), even a blind man can see how much you're hurting, do they think Tony would be proud of their cowardice?

Lots of love Lori.

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rin February 21, 2011 at 7:57 am

Darling Lori,

Your pain and suffering chokes me when I read what you are going through. Be brave for yourself and your kids. No one knew Tony like you did. Not his mother, sister or any so called friend. You knew him better than anyone else so please take comfort in that. I can't imagine just how alone you must feel but even though we are not physically there for you, there are a lot of people praying for you and trying to offer as much support through words as we can.
You are in inspiration to every single reader out here. You are doing an amazing job and are showing us how strong, determined and brave you are. I guess all you can do is keep going through the motions of each day until something shifts for you. I am sending you prayers and hugs that some time part of every day becomes better than the day before xxxxxx

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Adalita February 21, 2011 at 7:43 am

Hugs Lori,
You blog has touched my heart. I have cried over your powerful posts, yelled at the Pc and wanted to hurt those who have verbally hurt you. I especially connected with darkness. You must remember it is not your fault. People make their own decisions. Know that all your blogging family is here for you. I suggest you ignore those people who criticise you for not being a good Mum. You are grieving and it affect people in many ways. You are in my thoughts. Big Hugs! Love ADALITA

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Amy xxoo February 21, 2011 at 7:42 am

None of us can answer those questions for you Lori – we can tell you what you SHOULD do, or what will eventually happen, in the end… but the doing, in the journey to reach the eventuality? Only you can make that bit up.No right way, no wrong way, and no time limits.
Just you. And your bubbas. Any which way you can…

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Anonymous February 21, 2011 at 7:34 am

Sending you love from the UK. No other words except that I acknowledge your pain, it is real and raw and ugly. Let it all go in any way that suits you, maybe get a punching bag and belt the Sh!t out of it.

Belinda

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aussiebummummy February 21, 2011 at 7:31 am

just leaving you some love and hugs xx
thinking about you everyday xx

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Donna @ Nappydaze February 21, 2011 at 7:26 am

My heart still breaks for you Lori, I think it always will. I only hope that you know in the darkness and sadness you are making a difference to the others who are wresting with grief or suicide. Cold comfort probably, but you and your blogs are revealing the true aftermath of a terrible tragedy and we are all learning and growing and becoming better people because of the lessons you are teaching us.

Hold your babies tight, together you will make it through the other side, I promise x

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Anonymous February 21, 2011 at 7:24 am

We all wish we could fix it but we know we can't. We all care and want you to feel better. Keep blogging if it helps and we are all here to support you through this.
I wish we could do more……but alas we are too far apart on this globe.
Blog like no one is reading, but know we ARE and we CARE.
Hugs to you!

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Jane February 21, 2011 at 7:05 am

You are amazing. I haven't stopped thinking of you since it happened. Huge, huge hugs. I'm certain that SOMETHING will come along and give you the strength to get through this. You will get through this xxx

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flask February 21, 2011 at 7:03 am

oh.

it's not much. it's not enough. nothing is enough.

i'm still here with you, still reading, still praying.

it's never going to be enough. i'm sorry. it's the best i can do from here.

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Kiri February 21, 2011 at 6:40 am

I check everyday to make sure you've left a post, that you are still there and talking. I have no clever words to help you, but I am willing you on. Echoing all the 'distant' friends leaving comments – if there is something we can do from afar – just put it out there. Kia Kaha Lori, Kiri

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Wanderlust February 21, 2011 at 6:06 am

You know, I've composed so many emails to you in my mind over the last week, but I haven't written them down. My mind isn't working so well. But I've wanted to tell you that none of this is your fault. At all. If someone is unhappy in a relationship for whatever reason, they have so many options (counseling, separation, divorce, etc.). No one makes another person commit suicide. It just doesn't work like that. If he, or anyone else, led you to believe that, they're wrong. That's simply a false equation. I understand how in your darkest moments you could feel that way, but it's not your fault.

I love you Lori and I hope you get your miracle. I hate to see you hurt so much. I'm praying that your pain eases and that the light appears and gives you some hope. xo

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Claire February 21, 2011 at 5:47 am

Oh my goodness. My heart just goes out to you, Lori. I am thinking of you and praying for you…

Cxx

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Marianna Annadanna February 21, 2011 at 5:46 am

Just saw this: http://thestir.cafemom.com/big_kid/116422/lesson_11_bullies

The Bloggess posted it. At the bottom, it says this:

"A surprisingly real aside: If you are being bullied, tell someone. Tell a friend, a teacher, your parents. Bullies can totally fuck up your sense of logic and make you feel like you’re worthless. You aren’t, and it’s not weak to say you need help. Even now I turn to friends when I start to think that the assholes might have a point. Then my friends remind me to ignore the assholes. Because they’re assholes. You are awesome and this will pass. Promise."

Sending love and strength, as always,
Marianna

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Lucy February 21, 2011 at 5:20 am

Each time you write like this, it moves you a tiny step closer to the light, I think, Lori.

xxx

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Mary February 21, 2011 at 4:20 pm

To the anonymous who came back to apologize …thank you…therein lies the seeds of grace and healing…Everyone has the right to their own privacy but bring anonymous to hurl further hurt into the situation is cowardly so at least this anonymous had the decency to come back to apologize for their words.

It is gut wrenching that Lori is in such agony..let us all be a peaceful,loving presence here for her in this, her space.

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Watercolor February 21, 2011 at 5:05 am

Hugs sweetie pie. One day at a time. One second at a time is all you have to do right now. You are in my prayers. Hugs.

And to all those people who love Tony and said you loved Lori, too, and have backed away, HELP HER! LOVE HER! Omgosh what is WRONG WITH YOU?? Get your head out of your ass and hold her tight!! She needs you so she can fall apart for a while! Lordhavemercy.

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Christie February 21, 2011 at 4:27 am

Keep writing. Keep telling your truth the way you need to tell it.

Thinking of you every day.

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alltheshinythings February 21, 2011 at 4:08 am

Please know that you will be okay. The pain and anguish you feel are normal. And only you know what yOu need to feel to get over this – even if you aren't aware of what you need.

Pour your heart out, feel it all and let it go – all in your own timeframe.

So glad you turned comments back on.

Sending you love and strength.

Xoxo

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alltheshinythings February 21, 2011 at 4:06 am

Please know that you will be okay. The pain and anguish you feel are normal. And only you know what yOu need to feel to get over this – even if you aren't aware of what you need.

Pour your heart out, feel it all and let it go – all in your own timeframe.

So glad you turned comments back on.

Xoxo

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thelexhex February 21, 2011 at 4:01 am

It would be nice if I could, like, say something that would help, that would somehow make things easier, but sadly, things just don't work that way. Instead, I'll send a cheesy little heart:

<3

there you go, and I will cheer you on from the sidelines. You'll find a way to get through it — you've been through so much already and you're still going; it says a lot (of good things, mind you).

(PS: tell all of those poisonous people around you to get fucked.)

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Melissa February 21, 2011 at 3:52 am

Hang in there, Lori. Just hang in. Hang on. So many people are pulling for you – here for you. Sending love your way. You are good. You are worthwhile. You're going to get through this.
One second at a time.
xo

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The Richardson’s February 21, 2011 at 3:50 am

You and your children are in my thoughts and prayers.

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Shelley February 21, 2011 at 2:36 pm

Sweetheart
i've been a single mum of 2 little boys for 4yrs now, my boys are nearly 6 and 3 1/2yrs old. give yourself time you'll get there i wish i could help u walk this bumpy road to help with those 2 precious little men so that U can take a break when u need it.

U are held in my heart and prays constantly

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Anonymous February 21, 2011 at 3:27 am

OK, So here it is. I have been reading your blog since a friend told me about "that post". You know the one. I knew Tony and yes we have met but i would rather not mention my name as it would serve no purpose. And the reason it wouldn't serve any purpose is because those other anon people that are posting comments, those friends etc they have made up their minds. At first i was horrified that the details were there for everybody to read. But i have now been reading your blog on a daily basis and if those anon people pulled their heads out of their arses they would realise that this blog is helping you deal with the daily struggles that is beyond anyone elses understanding. I really wish that everyone could understand that. You are dealing with what happened every waking hour. I know what Tony did has shattered your little family to pieces and that it will never fit back together the way it once did. But i'm sure he wishes he could change what happened that day. I pray for you and the kids everyday.

xoxoxo

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Michael February 21, 2011 at 2:58 am

Yes, thank you for putting comments back on.

Lori-

What to say? I ache for you, someone I've never met, someone I can't help, someone I don't know but I can somehow feel the pain of.

This isn't your fault.

I don't think it's ever going to get any better, and you'll never, ever forget, but I think it will fade to an ache, like a tooth you never replace.

I wish for you nothing but the very best, and I hope knowing that people world wide are wishing you well, in some small way, helps.

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Laura Bullock February 21, 2011 at 2:53 am

Dear Lori,

I've been following your blog.

I must tell you I've been in Jungian analysis for 14 years and it's helped me cope with life and its uncertainties and surprises.

You have to know, and I am sure you've been told that you did not cause Tony to take his life. I am certain you've heard that the one left behind often feels they are to blame. They feel as if the person who killed himself killed himself because they did not help him. If that is the case, then the world let them down, not just their significant other. Their children, their parents, siblings, friends, co-workers are all to blame. We who are not going through this know this is irrational. It is irrational to shoulder the blame or expect anyone else to take the blame for someone taking their own life.

Carl Jung wrote: The idea of suicide, understandable as it is, does not seem commendable to me. We live in order to gain the greatest possible amount of spiritual development and self-awareness. As long as life is possible, even if only in a minimal degree, you should hang onto it, in order to scoop it up for the purpose of conscious development. To interrupt life before its time is to bring to a standstill an experiment which we have not set up. We have found ourselves in the midst of it and must carry it through to the end.(1973, p. 434)

Following is a letter which Dr. Jung wrote to a friend who had suffered the loss of a young child.

“Dear N.,

I am sorry you are so miserable. “Depression” means literally “being forced downward.” This can happen even when you don’t consciously have any feeling at all of being “on top.” So I wouldn’t dismiss this hypothesis out of hand …

I would seek out one or two people who seemed amiable and would make myself useful to them … I would raise animals and plants and find joy in their thriving. I would surround myself with beauty — no matter how primitive and artless — objects, colors, sounds. I would eat and drink well.

When the darkness grows denser, I would penetrate to its very core and ground, and would not rest until amid the pain an light appeared to me, for in excessu affectus Nature reverses herself. I would turn in rage against myself and with the heat of my rage I would melt my lead. I would renounce everything and engage in the lowest activities should my depression drive me to violence. I would wrestle with the dark angel until he dislocated my hip. For he is also the light and the blue sky which he withholds from me.

Anyway, that is what I would do. What others would do is another question, which I cannot answer. But for you too there is an instinct either to back out of it or to go down to the depths. But no half-measures or half-heartedness.

With cordial wishes,
As ever, C.G.Jung

I hope you find peace somehow, someway. You are a beautiful, talented individual with a great sense of humor and a lot to offer people, the strangers or friends who read your blog, your friends and your family, especially your children. You will find the light in the darkness. It just takes time and it will be all the more worthwhile when you do come across it. Even now, I suspect there are brief moments of light piercing its way through to you. You just have to see it and this will come in time.

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Jenn @ South of Sheridan February 21, 2011 at 2:37 am

Thinking of you, as always. *hugs*

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april February 21, 2011 at 2:35 am

I wish I had the right words – or any that would help. But I don't. Because I don't know. I can't know. Because I haven't been you. But I can send hugs and love. So I do. As well as deep admiration that you have kept going, are still going. I know that I couldn't.

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Marianna Annadanna February 21, 2011 at 2:08 am

Thinking of you Lori.
I made my birthday candle wish for you – wishing you'd somehow start seeing that light again soon. Even just tiny glimpses.
Sending LOVE and STRENGTH
Marianna

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mummy_chelle February 21, 2011 at 1:58 am

I wish I could organise a miracle for you. i will continue to pray for one for you and your littlies – but mostly for you. you have touched my life and I am sorry it is through some a trauma for you. I thank-you for sharing your pain and hope it is helping a little? You are so brave and strong.

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Doodah February 21, 2011 at 1:10 am

I've been worried as well after reading your last few posts but then I remembered you saying that your counselors told you that weeks 4 – 6 were going to be particularly hard. This is where you're at.
Keep talking, keep writing and know that all your online friends are thinking of you and wish we could be there in person to give you all those hugs you need and just to be there to listen to you rant and rave.
All we can do is send those hugs through cyber-space and hopefully sometimes you can feel them.

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WendyCarole February 21, 2011 at 1:08 am

I wish there was something I could do to help. You are in my thoughts

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Hear Mum Roar February 21, 2011 at 12:57 am

Hey, Lori:) I know you feel stuck and all, but I can see that you are growing in this, improving, getting slowly stronger. Look back at how you were straight after his death, can you see how far you've progressed in this? I'm not saying you're over it or any such ridiculous thing.

But the good stuff is happening, because you're letting yourself feel it. I think the good things will come in tiny doses. They won't be what you're looking for. Just look for small good things here and there, and let them grow into bigger things over time.

And go easy on yourself. You're doing great. ((HUG)) Before you know it, your days will feel full again.

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Anonymous February 21, 2011 at 12:44 am

Oh Lori, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I know it seems impossible, but you've shown such amazing strength the last six weeks. You CAN do this, you can find a new path for yourself & your children. And you don't have to look for it or find it, it will just happen. Slowly, one day at a time without you realising, until some time down the line you'll look back & be amazed at how far you've travelled.
You are amazing. There are hundreds of people out here who truly believe that. And we'll believe in you, for you, until you are able to do it yourself.

Tonnes of love, Sophie xxx

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Teacher Mommy February 21, 2011 at 12:39 am

Oh honey. I have no words. Sending love. <3 <3 <3

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kylie February 21, 2011 at 12:08 am

I have been so worried about your these last couple of days. I feel for you Lori, I truely truely do. What an impossible situation to be in. All I can do for now is send you hugs across australia and let you know that your family are in our prayers and thoughts. Your situation, what you are going through, has touched our lives over here. Its our reality as well. Please when you need help or anything, let us know. xx

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TheBoyandMe February 21, 2011 at 12:06 am

Oh sweetheart. I feel so much sorrow for you.

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Wendy B. February 21, 2011 at 12:03 am

I really wish I could come over to comfort you, to listen to you and just help you…..but unfortunately I live too far away. So I'll be just thinking of you and praying for you and your little ones.

Love, Wendy

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Toni February 21, 2011 at 11:00 am

I've been trying for hours to think of something helpful to say but I just can't.
The experts say that you're in the middle of the worst of it, now – that it will start to get easier soon. Well, what kind of comfort is that? You hurt so much, right now, and all we can do is watch helplessly.
I wish you peace. In your head, in your heart, in your home, and here.
xxx

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Kimmie February 20, 2011 at 11:51 pm

Hi Lori

Your comment about retiring to a lighthouse made me smile. It reminded me of a special poem my Heartpoet wrote for me awhile back. I wanted to share it with you.

Love's Lighthouse

In later years when we look back
the memories will glow
Incandescent light will burn
to spell I love you so
Each day each smile a longing touch
a globe upon the hill
A lighthouse built for you and me
our memories will spill
And time will last for evermore
for you and I are one
Though separate upon our path
our hearts still beat as one
So take a moment now my dear
and treasure second's skip
As together in this universe
we sail our own love's ship
~*Heartpoet*~

Lori you would like a special poem written in memory of Tony please email anytime.

Much love

Thinking of you often

Kimmie
x

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Emily February 21, 2011 at 10:49 am

I have been reading for weeks, I just never know what to say.
I hope you start to find some happiness soon. What a horrible, horrible thing to have to go through! :|
My heart melted just reading what your son said about his Daddy.

I think your children will be what gets you through this. x

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Jennifer Kay February 20, 2011 at 11:43 pm

I've said this before, my two babies are the same age as yours and I don't know if I could raise them alone…It's HARD work!!! I guess you just go into survival mode and do what you have to do.

Fuck anyone who tells you how grieving should be done, they aren't doing it. If you decided to go out and screw every guy in town tomorrow thinking it would make you feel better for a minute, then so be it.

Don't make me fly to Australia and kick somebody's ass.

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mamabred February 20, 2011 at 11:36 pm

I've been crying ever since I started reading your blog 3days ago. So much has happened in my mind, to my mind, in that time, so much has shifted, slow as a glacier but it has shifted all the same. The things that have shifted, moved into focus for me since being touched by your story and your way of processing everything out loud so bravely like this, THOSE things have not so much shifted but MELTED. THANKYOU for being you. For writing. I'm praying for you to feel something, anything, shift inside. I truly do not know why things have been made to be like this for you now but I honestly pray that some tiny relief can come your way very very soon. Thinking of you and sharing your story with my husband as often as I feel I can. Thats all I can muster by way of a humble comment in the face of the magnitude of your feelings and painfully human suffering

:( Sarah xxx

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Jade February 20, 2011 at 11:32 pm

You're in my thoughts. I wish I could do something to take the pain away.

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Sarah February 20, 2011 at 11:27 pm

I'm praying you get your miracle hun.
Sending love and strength. xoxo

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Winter from BB xox February 20, 2011 at 11:26 pm

I'm so glad you've put comments back on because I've really wanted to reach down the computer and grab you and hug you beautiful Lori! I'm so sorry for those awful 'friends' making you feel like shite and I just want to come to you and look after the kids for you so you can sleep or not be there or something, anything, whatever you need to do to get through to the next moment and I don't even know you. How can your 'friends' not want to do the same?? Big hugs Lori, this is not your fault. Winter from BB xox

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Anonymous February 20, 2011 at 11:22 pm

Just leaving some love <3
Hugs to you

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Denyse February 20, 2011 at 11:33 pm

Tonight I can't say much ..yet I want to..but not sure you want to read anybody' s stuff .. but, wait, you've opened the comments. So that's a start.

Hi Lori,
I know what you mean – about "waiting"

That's been my over-arching thought for the past 2 years.

I can guess what/where/why I'm waiting but, gee, it's really sucky, waiting.

I've read what your waiting is about,
The ' back to where we were' scenario..make it good..no T hanging ..no tragedy… Picking up the pieces …NOPE. Ain't gonna happen.

My waiting concerns a hub. One who is getting more unwell each day due to Parkinsons Dis, and been a chronic pain sufferer and depressive.it's been my burden since 1978.
I've just realized my reason for "waiting" I'm waiting for a life I want to lead like other newly retired couples…. NOPE. Ain't gonna happen.

WAITING it would seem for both of us is WASTING our time & lives.

What will you do about that?

I have decided that I cause myself too much angst, worry, sadness by the waiting for what will never come, and I, only I, now plans for a solo retirement based on hub's status eg he has in-home respite so I travel.

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Autumn Du Pré-Moore February 20, 2011 at 11:29 pm

I wish I had the words to take this away, to take away the pain, to take away the pressure. To take back the last several weeks. If I could, I would. But your Man, your Tony, is still with you, with your kids. All the time. Talk to him. Yell at him. Vent to him. And when your heart is still, you'll hear him, talking to you. I don't have the words, but I have love; endless support, and all the positive energy in the world. The people who REALLY have your back, who REALLY love you, aren't going anywhere, and support you, for however long you need.

Lots of love. Still.

Autumn xxx

Email me if you need anything. I mean it.
pulpandpalette@gmail.com

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Miel Abeille February 20, 2011 at 11:20 pm

Your protector is still with you! You can't see him, but I believe his spirit is omnipresent, protecting you and your children every second of the day. He's watching you & them. He is at peace. Try to take comfort in the thought that your children have an angel guarding them. Peace.

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Nailed It. – RRSAHM

Nailed It.

by Lori Dwyer on October 11, 2013 · 3 comments

This post bought to you by Woolworths.

***

As previously established- repeatedly- I suck at cooking, and I don’t do food much.

But what the kidlets want, the kidlets get. And given their recent obsession with Woolworths Aussie Animals cards, they wanted to make one of the animal-inspired recipes in their card folder.

No worries. Really, how difficult could it be?

The instructions for the Echidna Snack are deceptively simple. Take one apple, cut in half, remove core.

Slather liberally with peanut butter.

Add marshmallows for spines, sultanas for eyes.

Add two pretzel sticks and another sultana for the ‘beak’. (Sadly, I forgot the pretzel sticks when I did my shopping. Choc covered malt sticks sufficed as a substitute).

Construction was not at all painful, except for the peanut butter-covered kitchen table part.

After twenty minutes or so, the kidlets and I stood back to admire our creation.

This is what the echidna should look like.

 

Echidna Nailed It

And these were our echidnas.

‘Hem. Nailed it. Totally.

***

The Aussie Animal collectible cards obsession continues- you have until Tuesday October 15th before it’s all over and your shopping trips can return to some form of normality.

The things we do for our children.

 

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Suzy Mac October 13, 2013 at 11:50 pm

From a similarly culinarily challenged individual..WELL DONE YOU!!

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Vanessa October 12, 2013 at 8:44 pm

I can’t believe how popular those trading cards are – a local garage sale type facebook group has people trading them. Not only that, but they marked the posts as “urgent” haha.
Vanessa recently posted…Catch Your DreamsMy Profile

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Manda October 12, 2013 at 7:01 pm

We have all of them except #3. These cards will be the death of me.

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Stumbling Along – RRSAHM

Stumbling Along

by Lori Dwyer on September 13, 2010 · 14 comments

Whoops,

I recently bowed to peer pressure and signed up for Stumble Upon. It is, apparently, an awesome blog-whoring tool*, and we all know I’m up for that. I’m up for any kind of blog pimping, really. Twitter, FaceBook, forums, carnivals, I’m there. It was only a matter of time before I got sucked in to Stumble. Twitter is a gate way drug, you see. It leads to bigger, harder things.

Apart from being a dirty tool of the blog whore, Stumble is also one of the biggest time wasters on the InterWebs, what with it’s random collection of bizarreness and the illusion of power it brings.

I’m not exactly sure how Stumble works. Click the Stumble button, up comes a seemingly random webpage, which can probably be filtered into one of the following categories- “Cool!“; “What the hell is that?“; or “Dirty spam.“

If you like it, you click the Thumbs Up. No like, Thumbs Down. Hence the illusion of power. Everyone likes the idea of killing a page with a click.

I’m making a sweeping assumption that once a new site is ‘discovered’, it’s Stumbled to other Stumblers with similar interests to the ‘Discoverer’. If they give it the Thumbs Up, more people get fed it. If enough people give it a Thumbs Down, the page is sent to the Stumble equivalent of InterWebby heaven, with the likes of AOL and Napster. Never to be seen again.

On Stumble, I suck. As you can clearly see- or not so clearly see, click the image to make it make bigger, nanna- my stuff dies a lonely Stumbly death very, very quickly.

It’s not you, Stumble, it’s me. I think. I give the Thumbs Up to all kinds of random bits and pieces of popular culture that takes three seconds to absorb. I am a product of the electric generation. You have half a nanosecond to engage me, or I’m outta there. I Stumble stuff that is either stupidly funny, brimming with an assumed knowledge of pop-culture or a wee bit bizarre. So Stumble gives me more o’that, baby. And there is plenty of that available. Believe me.

And all that is fine. Except for one little thing. My own blog posts keep getting killed within a few Stumbler’s clicks. Because the things I Stumble are nothing like my own posts. Which actually tells me that if I were not me, I wouldn’t read my own blog. Or something

So, with that in mind, I have to stop Stumbling random crap and only Stumble super cool bloggy mum stuff that other people who are not like me but would like to read me would like.

All of which makes perfect freaking sense from here.

Sadly, one of the first thing I Stumbled was a StumbleCard. The *ahem* “latest phenomenon to hit the InterNet”- right after MySpace and this fan-dangled groovy new gadget called YouTube, I’m guessing. Apparently, these things were once collectibles, before they were bastardized and degraded by various online advertising companies and the evilness of Google AdWords.

There you are, innocently Stumbling along and bumping into other people’s whacked out imaginations and- bam!- you get hit by a StumbleCard out of nowhere.

I’m not sure if they really are a viral marketing campaign or simply the nerdy brainchild of someone very disturbed, but the general feeling among the Stumble community seems to be  that StumbleCards should be not-so-gently killed, maimed, and then cremated in a sacrificial ceremony to the Google God. I have to say, I’m rather inclined to agree.

So, there you go. I’m on Stumble. Check me out. Come join me, if you’re so inclined. Just remember- Stumble Cards are evil. And don’t Stumble your own blog, if you wouldn’t actually read your own blog, if you were someone other than yourself.

Or something.


*I know, I know, that totally goes against the sanctity of Stumble and it’s no wonder my stuff always gets killed. Whatever. At least I’m honest. I’m a dirty, dirty blog tart and I’m OK with that.

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Emma Clark September 15, 2010 at 9:08 am

I don't think there is anything wrong with liking different kinds of blogs than your own! I'm 18 years old, blogging about my year abroad, and I follow all these mommy blogs because I think they're interesting and they make me laugh. But I do want to get a little more traffic going to my blog so I'm glad I saw this post!

-Emma*
http://www.thebelgiumblogger.blogspot.com

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Maxabella September 14, 2010 at 4:46 pm

I had an afternoon of stumbling everywhere and then I thought "what am I doing". That was months ago and I am still the only person to stumble upon my own blog. THat's right, I have 1 hit (me). Bugger it, I don't care. Just one more way the internet has dreamed up to make me feel inferior!! That said, handily I still have my stumble tool in my header so I'm stumbling your site as soon as I finish typing this…

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Farmers Wifey September 14, 2010 at 2:02 pm

I am so confused with this Stumble grumble stuff….I was going to join tonight…should I shouldn't I, what should I do??????

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In Real Life September 14, 2010 at 1:56 pm

Cool! I am going to have a peek at Stumble.

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Veronica September 14, 2010 at 1:44 pm

To get a good stumble run, you need to have your page added by someone with good stumble power – someone with lots of stumble followers is good.

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Glen September 14, 2010 at 7:49 am

I stumbled once, but forgot all about it until today.

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Wanderlust September 14, 2010 at 7:03 am

Just wait until you get stumbled by some teenager with 14k stumbles under her belt. That will shoot your post into the stratosphere! Have stumbled, btw. :-)

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Tenille September 13, 2010 at 10:31 pm

The interweb was invented purely for the purpose of wasting time, and circulating porn. As I'm not into porn, I'm up late stumbling…

Did you know about the StumbleUpon toolbar?

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Very Bored in Catalunya September 13, 2010 at 10:22 pm

I've only just recently delved into the world of stumbled upon, I've added you and thumbsed you up.

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A dose of Dannie September 13, 2010 at 10:14 pm

hey hun i stumpled you and gave you the glory thumbs up stuff LOL… i only have stumbled etc… as well so we shall work this all out together hey!

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Kymmie September 13, 2010 at 10:07 pm

Never heard of it, but I'll give anything a shot once…

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disydoit September 13, 2010 at 8:54 pm

Have seen the button on blogs and had no freaking idea that it meant and file that in the – work that out some other day basket. Think you explained it perfectly…good luck with that!!

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Eva Gallant September 14, 2010 at 4:50 am

I stumbled in and out of StumbleUpon. Too much of this is confusing!

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MMBB September 13, 2010 at 8:48 pm

Fantastical! I'm going to give it the thumbs up right now lol

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Exploring the Putty Road. – RRSAHM

Exploring the Putty Road.

by Lori Dwyer on December 19, 2012 · 6 comments

”You never know what you’ll find on the Putty Road.”

I know, I keep saying that… but really, that’s what lies at the truth of the matter. Mention that you’re driving up there, tell a story of some odd sight you’ve seen amongst the winding roads, tiny creeks and sandstone caves; and I can almost guarantee you that someone will chime into the conversation with that very sentiment– “You never know what you’ll find on the Putty Road.” Which will be accompanied, probably, with a small bemused smile and a slight shake of their head. This long, lonesome drive was the route we built our Brilliant Road Trip around.

There is just over one hundred kilometers of the main stretch of road, no mobile phone reception, no service stations. Houses are very few and far between– the numbers on letter boxes seem to jump from 340 to 8769 with alarming lengths of isolation between them. The Grey Gum Cafe (last food for 66 km’s, or so the sign says) boasts not only air conditioning that barely tempers the 35 degree heat, (and I say a small prayer of thanks for the air efficient iciness) but also wifi. Which apparently hasn’t been working for a week or so now. And I find myself thinking “How do you live up here…?”

At the same time, I get it. The air is crisp and clean, the sky seems to stretch for miles. Craggy bush rock cliffs are dotted with precariously perched gum trees clinging to sandy soil with an astonishing persistence. The rocky cliffs are pocked with caves, large and small. One huge cliff we cruise past sports dozens of them, room for a bustling community of hidden rock people, and I, so briefly I barely realize it, wish my son years older so stopping the car and facing uncharted bushland on a trek to find a network of natural caves was yet another bizarre activity his mum could strong arm him into. Low topography and lush greenery provide visual markers for the veins and rivulets that make up the Wollemi’s knotted river system; and we pass over rickety bridges with signage that announce the names of tiny creeks, only to be unable to see any water– just a deep, green crevice that winds and swirls back across paddocks or bends out of sight behind lichen–coated canyons. (The infamous Wollemi pine was, they say, discovered quite by chance by someone who happened to be… canyoning. The bravery)

The thing about the Putty Road is, it takes you completely by surprise every few kilometers. While you’re still marveling over the last oddity– an overgrown, abandoned junkyard,perhaps, or the vibrant Batman symbol painted on corrugated iron and attached to tree on a bend in the road, not a driveway or property to be seen nearby– you’ll suddenly spot something else by the roadside, a licker of oddity at one hundred clicks. The remains of a an ancient house, only the chimneys and foundations surviving; a face painted onto a tree; a set of massive brick and stained glass gates adorned with pristine white crucifixes and flanked by acres of manicured lawn.

Auntie Mickey pulls the Elantra over as we spot, a few hundred metres ahead, what seems to be a whole abandoned village, there are so many buildings set at varying depths back from the road, but too clustered together to have been even the smallest of towns. One of my BookFace likers suggested that perhaps it was abandoned camp, and the first two or three buildings– those closest to the road– do look like dormitories, rectangular and squat with rows of doors on one side. One structure seems to have been, maybe, a store at some point in the past, a tiny one like the Grey Gum, with ice creams and milkshakes and friendly staff who know all the truck drivers and tradies that take this road on a regular basis.

But the further in I venture, through knee high bracken fern spring from sandy, gritty soil (snakes… it’s so hot today, and my God I hate snakes with a seething, slinking disgust), the more out of sync the ruins become. A tiny house, a low lying shed. A car with its paint still intact, but huge clumps of moss growing from the windows rotted rubber seals. A rusted out bus– not the one we’ve set out looking for– is flanked by occasional piles of metal oddments rusted a deep ocher red, stark contrasts to the oceanic fields of short, scratchy green ferns. Beyond the bus, over a rise, is what appears to be a bunker, next to rusted out water tank on creaky, rotting wooden stilts. There’s another tiny cottage, and this one seems older again, a small verandah off it’s one room, climbing ivy threaded through the unboarded window. Leading past the tiny house (someone’s first home, quite possibly, the home someone’s first baby was bought into the world in) is a corridor through the scrub and pitted piles of metal debris. It leads to a graveyard, an elephant ceremony full of rust–ridden, disintegrating cars. Every make and model, vans and sedans and old steel cruisers in varying faded shades of original paint, only the tiniest sparkling tinkles of chrome left among them.

Returning to the car and looking back into this deserted camp–place, everything appears green– the moss and lichens and moulds coating the walls of each building are almost the same murky color of pond water brimming with tadpoles as the bushland that’s slowly eating them. It’s as if the entire place is trying to camouflage itself, to disappear back into the foothills of the Yengo National Park that it’s set in.

There’s a payphone close to the road, next to the car with my sleeping child inside. Taped to the payphone’s perspex outer wall it is a hand written missing persons poster, with a photo of a man about the same age as me. Last seem a few weeks ago, somewhere on the Putty Road.

“He’s not missing,” says Auntie Mickey, and I know her well enough to know she’s only half joking, “he’s somewhere in there.” She nods towards to the maze of overgrown life I’ve just returned from, and I shiver involuntarily. She may just have a point.

Back to the car.

The Wo-Man.

It’s maybe another twenty minutes of driving before we turn a corner and, entirely unannounced, a massive, ,gleaming silver sculpture comes into view. “Oh wooooowwwwwww…..” breathes the Chop from his backseat view, just woken up and totally entranced by this completely bizarre spectacle, exactly the way I hoped he would be. This is the relatively new pinnacle of the Putty Road drive– the burnt out Halway RoadHouse, now home to the Wo–Man. And the rather eccentric bloke named Dave who built the steel him. Her. It. Whatever.

The HalfWay RoadHouse was, only ten years ago, the only petrol station on the Putty Road and– oddly enough for a structure that houses litres upon litres of fuel beneath it– the skeletons of not only the roadhouse but even the bowsers remain. The front facade of the building and the covered petrol filling area remain, as do most of the interior walls. But the roof is entirely missing, and the edges of everything that does remain are charred and blackened, one large room missing almost it’s entire wooden floor.

The RoadHouse, from the inside, with the Wo-Man in the background.

Not that Dave seems to mind. He bought this place two years ago, he tells us, and is gradually, slowly fixing it up as he goes. For now, he mans a small shelter tucked into the side of the roadhouse. He’s got an Esky full of cold drinks for a dollar a pop. And he sells sausage sandwiches and bacon and egg rolls that he cooks, as you watch, on the barbecue he has welded himself from scrap metals. The barbecue has a horse head for a chimney.

There’s more metal creatures and sculptures dotting the picnic grounds next to Dave’s barbecue and the ghost of the roadhouse– a massive spider, twin Futurama Benders, a family of emus with a plaque that reads ’emulation’. Beyond the picnic ground is a huge field that Dave tells us is filled with roos on dusk. He also points out his house, a tiny one room shanty shed. And his boat– a massive, sixty foot sail boat dry docked at the top of a mountain, behind a burnt down building.

‘Emulation.‘

We chat and take photos and Chop examines an exquisitely crafted metal hand and a troop of squat, welded Ned Kelly’s, their bellies and helmets made from cut down LPG tanks. As we’re leaving– really, once you’ve taken in the brilliance of a fifty wo–man gleaming silver in the afternoon sunshine, there’s not much to do here but relax and shoot the breeze–Dave hugs us goodbye and reminds us to pass the word on, to tell people about his metal artwork and his business atop the Putty Road. “And, if you know any ladies who’d fancy coming to live out here… let them know, too”. And with that sentence I get a funny pang. It’s the first time the dusky, ethereal, weirdly romantic cataract is removed from my mind’s eye since our car pulled to a stop here. The whole place suddenly seems just a bit lonely, like clouds coming over to chill a warm summer’s day. It tugs at me, desolate and sad.

The Chop in Dave’s backyard, with the giant sail boat behind him.

Before we hit the road again, I make inquiries of Dave regarding this bus, the one I know is down here somewhere. The one were looking for, an urbexing holy grail road tripping. Dave, with the knowledge of a local who enjoys a chat, gives us directions that are accurate almost to the metre. A woman lived there, he tells me, Up until just a few years ago. She had a life set up in that stationery bus, a virtual paradise by a tiny creek. She was ninety four years old when she passed away, and they found her body in the creek that runs just metres from the vehicle in which she lived. The bus has sat there, unclaimed, on what is, I suppose, essentially unowned land, ever since. I’d spotted it, just a flicker of it, as a pillion passenger on the Black Dog Ride… I think. But the bus I remember seeing was pale yellow, not blue like this, and it was parked much closer to the road. Maybe it was a different bus, broken down by a different creek and towed out of the gully by now, six months on from the last time I came through here. Or maybe human memory is just a funny monkey thing, substituting images from it’s stock footage to fill gaps in the internal sequence.

We would have missed this bus entirely, passed by without even knowing it was it was there, especially travelling North as we were. After doing a quick u–turn the mammoth, unmoving was easier to spot… but still barely more than a flash of blue and white in the greenery as you passed by.

The bus.

This bus been vandalized, this funny, almost cheerful vehicle secluded in place where no one lives now on this land that no one really owns. The contents and furnishings of the bus, left behind when their owner died, have been spread across the grassy plateau behind where the bus sits. The ground seems it drop away in levels– the first the road. Parked on the second step down is the bus itself and what was once the small, and seemingly w
ell tended, courtyard that framed it’s two doorways. Another drop in levels, a steeper and higher slide down across damp soil rooted with low–growing foliage and the occasional biting stinging nettle– all three of us cop sharp, sudden burning lashes on our ankles (”Why do they sting?!” Asks my little man through his tears, “Because, honey, it’s to protect themselves. So animals won’t eat them.” “But we weren’t going to eat them!!” “The nettles didn’t know that, baby…”)– and you find yourself at a creek, a trickle of clear water to the left that gathers into a tiny, crystal millpool on the right. I can’t help but wonder where they found her, the lady who was here, and exactly what she would think of her possessions, scattered and scorched and laying about on the ground, with the lush cold climate growth slowly gathering them as its own. I wonder, too, what happened to the dog she must have kept as a pet, the animal who’s dish and bowl still sit on the edge of the vandal’s leftovers. I do hope someone took him home with them.

It’s almost always fascinating, seeing what’s left of something’s life that stopped, one way or another, not long ago. The bus is gutted. It’s traditional fittings– seats, steering wheel and so forth– were, I suspect, pulled out by it’s rightful owner before she installed her own creature comforts, the ones that now lay abused and disrecpted over what once was her space, her tiny garden. We spot a mattress, a microwave, a chest of drawers, glass bottles, a radio. The remains of a small portable pool, mostly stil intact but the walls sagging sadly inward– it still has a hose running into it, and it’s only later, after we’ve driven away, that it occurs to me that we didn’t look to where exactly the other end of the hose was connected– surely, there was no running water to this makeshift caravan in the middle of nowhere…?

Looking back at the bus from a distance, my imagination fills in the blanks, sorts the visual clues, to spot where a veggie patch once resided– a metal trellis for climbing beans and snow peas still exists, suspended between the trunks of two close together gum trees. And the bus itself was a permanent fixture here– it wasn’t intended to be moved, it seems for quite a while. There’s a concrete step at the front door, it’s formation also, oddly, still intact. The back door also features a concrete step, but not so conventionally made– this step is not molded carefully like its fraternal twin. This step simply three bags of concrete mix stacked atop each other. They’ve been here so long, exposed to so many freezing Hunter winters and so much run–off from torrential rain pour being pulled down toward the creek, that they’ve solidified completely, still in their original bagged shape.

There’s even a car here, in this unofficial allotment, parked a little while up from the bus, on a concrete slab to prevent it becoming bogged in the same heavy wash–off rains that sent the concrete solid. Nothing it a rusted out body atop a chassis remains. It’s obviously been parked here much longer than the bus. I stare at it, entranced, realising there is a set of rusted number plates still attached.

The RRSAHM #BrilliantRoadTrip

I try to imagine a woman, ninety four years of age living here, tucked away next to a creek on the border of a national park. No phone, to connection to the outside world. A pool and a creek and a dog and a veggie patch. A little slice of earthly heaven that must have cost her just cents a day to keep functional. There’s nothing eerie or creep about the vibe here– she was, by the feel of it, a very happy woman, who lived out the last years of her life in chosen, contented isolation.

We hop back in the Elantra, even the Chop (blessedly) silent for a little as we continue our cruise along the Putty Road. This isn’t the last time I’m going to be doing this drive, I’m sure of that… I know that before we even turn off onto the New England Highway. There are so many more places to explore here. I’m to even sure why, but this road is a very strange place. It’s got so many secrets to be found.

And here’s our super cool, completed road trip map… 

View Lori @ RRSAHM #BrilliantRoadTrip in a larger map

***
For those who happened to be following the adventures of Bob the #BrilliantRoadTripBear on Instagram and wondered how he’s coping, being back home… he’s not, really.
Bob was last seen at a payphone close to the start of the F3. It appears he really, really liked Scone, or the Putty Road or… something.
Any information on his whereabouts much appreciated. There’s no telling where he’ll show up next.
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rent Mountain Manor Camping Tent April 15, 2014 at 11:05 am

S5620 upward cool website! Guy. Attractive. Incredible. I’m going to save your blog along with make nourishes also? I will be glad to locate lots of useful details right here inside the post, we need determine much more approaches on this consider, thanks for discussing.

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Mc OZ January 19, 2013 at 9:11 am

Hi Lori Re the old bus. Yes it’s a shame the bus has been trashed BUT The lady lived there for 20 years or a bit more she was an institution there She did not die there but it got too much for her, she went to a nursing home and passed away 2/11/2008 she was 83. A facinating story. It was her little bit of paradise She done it tough in the droughts, bush fires and bitterly cold winters . That old austin car was hers also. She had a lot to put up with over the years. RIP Desiree 1925 / 2008….

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Lori Dwyer January 30, 2013 at 6:24 pm

Wow- McOZ, that is incredible, thanks so much for your comment! Would you sending sending me an email so I can pick your brain a little further about the amazing Desiree? I’d love to tell her story :)

lori (at) ladefrickinda.com

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Mark March 9, 2013 at 2:23 pm

Lori send me a PM adress and I’ll send you some onfo

Hilori (at) ladefrickinda.com dont work…………

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Gryphonn December 20, 2012 at 8:58 am

You girls are far too cool for school :). Big hugs for Christmas Lori xox

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woahmolly.com December 19, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Amazing journey. I love a good road trip, they make me nostalgic for my youth: the F3, The Pacific Highway, summer days, windows rolled down, cigarette smoke drifting and being sucked out the window…(well, we didn't have nay kids in the car…!)

I'm really glad you had such an awesome time! There are some beautiful places along that road and it's cool you found so many great cool things to explore.

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